


I Should Tell Her That She's Everything To Me

by ZoeWithNoY



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: AU, All the Usual Warnings for DEH, BandTrees, Bullying, But He Can't Lie to Zoe, Character Development, Evan's a liar, F/M, First Time, Fluff and Angst, Forgiveness, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Protective Evan Hansen, Protective Zoe Murphy, Sorry No Connor in This One, T Rating But One M Chapter, The Connor Project (Dear Evan Hansen), Zoevan, canon adjacent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-10-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:06:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 130,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25431340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZoeWithNoY/pseuds/ZoeWithNoY
Summary: “What do you want Evan? Are you here to tell me more about how wonderful my awful, awful brother was?” Zoe says, her glare piercing and fierce, and Evan is slightly terrified for a second, making him hesitate in responding.Zoe turns away, trying to close the door on him, clearly annoyed at his presence, but Evan finally moves, reaching out for her, pulling her to face him again.Evan does his best to look her in the eye—something he hated doing—and tells her, “Everything I just told you and your parents was a lie.”
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Zoe Murphy
Comments: 89
Kudos: 50





	1. Two Friends, True Friends

**Author's Note:**

> Hi Everyone! I'm really excited about this new multi-chapter fic for Evan and Zoe! I'm going to try to stick to weekly updates on Tuesday, so stay tuned for those! 
> 
> I love any and all feedback as always! Thank you for reading!!!

It’d been three days. Three anxiety-riddled days since Connor Murphy had stolen Evan’s therapy letter. He hadn’t told anyone because who did he have to tell? He hadn’t seen his mom since the first day of school. She was either at work or in class or sleeping. And it’s not like she’d understand anyways, even if he got a chance to talk to her. He didn’t have any friends. He had considered telling Jared, but even the thought of explaining why he had a letter addressed to himself had him spiraling further. Jared would just make fun of him and make everything worse, not better. He couldn’t even talk to Dr. Sherman about it, someone who was literally paid to listen to him talk. Evan couldn’t get past the disappointed sigh Dr. Sherman had made when he’d shown up to therapy without a letter and nothing to say. 

And it’s not like he’d seen Connor since then either. He’d been missing from school and so had his sister Zoe. That freaked Evan out even more. He should have never written anything about her in his letter. It was so stupid. He was never going to get the chance to know her. It’s not like there was a real chance before and now it was completely out of the question. She probably thought he was a freak, especially after the way he acted when she apologized for Connor. God why couldn’t he just do something normal for a change? 

Connor had definitely told Zoe and probably their parents about his letter. They were probably filing like a restraining order or something against at the moment, that’s why they weren’t at school. Evan was pretty sure court things took time so that’s where they were. And then he’d get served court papers and they’d probably cost a whole lot of money. And then his mom would hate him more. He already cost so much money to begin with, with his therapy appointments, medication, and not to mention his ER visit and surgery this summer. She’d probably want nothing to do with him now. Tell him what he always knew was true, that she didn’t want him around anymore. Then what would he do? 

_“Evan Hansen, please report to the principal’s office, Evan Hansen to the principal’s office”_

Everyone in the class stops what they’re doing and turns to look directly at Evan, which makes him freeze in place, paralyzed with anxiety. He can feel his heart racing and his hands getting sweaty and he can vaguely hear his teacher call out his name, but she sounds like she’s underwater. He thinks she might be coming closer, but he’s not completely sure. 

Evan doesn’t know what to do because this was definitely about his letter. He’d never been to the principal’s office before, so that was the only thing it could be about. Maybe Connor and Zoe wanted him expelled. How would he explain that to his mom too, on top of the court orders he was sure were coming? 

“Evan,” Ms. Holmes says softly, placing her hand gently on Evan’s arm, breaking him out of his thought spiral, “Do you need someone to go with you? I’m sure it’s nothing bad.” 

“No, it’s okay, I can go alone,” Evan says so quickly that Ms. Holmes probably didn’t even understand him. Worried that she was worried about him and might try to talk to him more, Evan suddenly finds himself able to move, awkwardly grabbing his backpack from the ground and shoving his notebook inside, shuffling out of the room, without looking at anybody or anything. 

The barrenness of the hallway is somehow more suffocating than the hordes of students watching him in the tiny stuffy classroom. Evan leans against the lockers lining the wall, attempting to get his breathing under control. He knew if he didn’t get it together fast enough, he’d have a full-blown anxiety attack in the hallway, which would probably make Mr. Howard mad too, because then he’d have to wait for Evan. He was probably super busy to start with and dealing with Evan was just taking up more of his time. He just needed to get it together. 

The cool metal of the lockers against his forehead help make him feel more grounded, and Evan does his best to use the exercises Dr. Sherman had wanted him to learn for these exact moments.

_In for five. Out for seven. In for five. Out for seven. In for five. Out for seven._

When he feels like he has a tiny semblance of control back (his heart was still racing and he could feel his shoulder tightening, so he knew it wasn’t over), but it’s the best he can do given the circumstances, he forces his feet to walk towards the office. 

He wasn’t sure why he was able to calm himself even a little, maybe it was because subconsciously he’d given up already. He knew what was coming didn’t he? He would have to face multiple adults who were probably disgusted by him and his pathetic actions. They would call his mom tell her what he did, and then every person in his insignificant life would want nothing to do with him. He didn’t have to worry about any anxiety from “what if’s” if he already knew the outcome. 

Evan’s hands are shaking as he opens the door to the office, and he stumbles through the door, tripping as his foot catches the corner of the door. He knew his face was probably already red from the anxiety, but now it was red from the embarrassment too. He can’t even walk through a doorway without messing it up. 

The attendance clerk looks up from her computer when she hears Evan floundering in, looking at him with a look Evan knew all too well. _Pity._ It flashes across her face for a moment before it’s replaced with a softer one asking Evan, “Can I help you dear?” 

“I’m here to see Mr. Howard,” Evan mumbles looking at the ground and picking at the fraying edge of his cast. 

“It’s right through that door,” she says kindly, which confuses Evan. Didn’t she already know what was awaiting him? Why would she be nice to him? He didn’t deserve it; he was about to get expelled or worse.

Evan doesn’t look up to her but sees where she’s pointing and slowly makes his way to the door, opening it hesitantly. Evan glances up just to check Mr. Howard’s expression. He wanted to prepare himself for the yelling that was sure to be coming his way. But Evan doesn’t find Mr. Howard in his office. He finds a couple that looks a little older than his mom, sitting in two of the chairs, with one across from them, clearly for him. The man is what Evan expects most dads to look like, sturdy, with a grim expression, and his arm is gently placed around the woman. The woman looks despondent, like she tried to dress-up and put on make-up, but had cried over it, smudging it in weird places on her face.

It takes Evan moment, but then it clicks that these must be Connor’s parents. Who else could they be? They were probably so upset that their children were upset because of Evan. Evan had freaked Zoe and Connor out, so now their parents were freaked out about being around him too. They hadn’t started yelling at him yet, but Evan was positive they would start soon. Go on about how he needed to leave their children alone, or else they’d take him or court or have him expelled. 

The sound of the door opening causes the Murphy’s to glance up towards Evan, and they just stare at him, which makes Evan incredibly uncomfortable, more so than he already was. Why were they waiting so long? Couldn’t they just get on with it? Evan just looks at the ground unable to look at them, shifting his weight back and forth on his feet until he hears Mr. Murphy say gently, “Evan? Would you like to sit down? We’re Connor’s parents, and we just want to talk to you.”

Evan can’t control the way his head shoots up, looking directly at them with wide terrified eyes, confused as to why they were being so nice to him. Evan finds himself nodding frantically and moving towards the chair across from the Murphy’s, scrunching his body into the smallest position possible, afraid to take up any space in front of these people. 

Mrs. Murphy is sniffling, on the verge of tears, continually folding and unfolding the piece of paper that was in her hand, opening her mouth like she was going to say something, but nothing comes out. Evan has no idea what is going on and keeps his mouth shut, avoiding making eye contact with either Mr. or Mrs. Murphy. 

“This, um, Connor wanted you to have this,” Mrs. Murphy finally manages to say, holding the piece of paper out to Evan, but she was clutching on to the edge like she didn’t want to give the paper away. Evan takes it hesitantly, like he might burst into flames spontaneously if he grabbed it too fast from Mrs. Murphy. 

Evan glances down at the paper and his heart starts racing again when he sees the first words that read _Dear Evan Hansen_. He can’t make out exactly what Mr. Murphy is saying, too focused on the letter in his shaky hands. The one Connor had stolen from him. Why would they think Connor wanted him to have this? He’d _stolen_ it from him three days ago. 

“Connor, um, Connor gave this to you to give to me? I don’t understand,” Evan tells them, setting the paper on his lap, unable to keep looking at it. He anxiously starts picking at the plaster of his cast, letting it crumble to the ground, waiting for the Murphy’s to explain more. 

“We know you and Connor were close friends, and we honestly didn’t think that Connor had any friends until now, but he had you,” Mrs. Murphy says, giving Evan a watery smile, once again about to cry. 

Why did they think him and Connor were friends? Because of one letter? Had Connor mentioned he had taken it from him? They weren’t friends. Connor hated him and thought he was a weirdo who was stalking his little sister. There’s no way he wanted to give Evan his therapy letter back. It was all the proof Connor would have needed to ruin Evan’s life even more. Seriously, what was happening right now? Did they know that _Evan_ had written this letter? Did they think Connor had? 

“Do, do you…Um, you think Connor wrote this to me?” Evan manages to ask, the desperation evident in his voice. He needed to know if the Murphy’s knew the truth. 

“Yes, these were his last words, and he wanted you to have this. It’s right there, Evan. _Dear Evan Hansen_. He even signed as _your best and most dearest friend_. It’s all right there Evan,” Mr. Murphy says, rubbing his temples, trying to ease out the tension there, and Evan’s not sure if it’s because of him or not. Was he upset that Evan was asking dumb questions?

“What, do you mean last words?” Evan asks, glancing between Mrs. Murphy who was crying fully now, and Mr. Murphy, finally realizing what Mr. Murphy had said to him. 

“Connor, he um, he took his own life, and this was all we found with him” Mr. Murphy tells Evan, lifting his hand like he was going to place it on Evan’s shoulder, but thinks better of it, returning to consoling his wife. 

“He, he what?” Evan asks even though he heard Mr. Murphy very clearly, and he doesn’t even listen as he repeated himself. Suddenly everything was starting to make sense to Evan. They thought Evan’s therapy letter was their son’s suicide note. Evan simply can’t let them think that. 

“He didn’t write this. Connor didn’t write this,” Evan says, the pace of his words quickening the more anxious he was getting. He had gone into this thinking the Murphy’s were going to have him expelled, not referring to him as their son’s only friend. Especially if said son was no longer with them. 

Evan’s not sure they heard him, as they were still going on about how they didn’t think Connor had any friends and that he’d never mentioned Evan before, but that it meant so much to them that he had been there for Connor. Evan doesn’t know how to get them to stop, to listen to what he was trying to say. He raises his voice a little and tries again, “Connor, he didn’t write this.” 

Evan’s declaration seems to get their attention, because now both of them are staring at Evan with perplexed looks on their faces. Evan thinks they might finally understand what he was trying to say, but then Larry says, “That’s not true, obviously he wrote it to you Evan. You’re just in shock. It’s a lot to take in, we know.” 

Evan wasn’t in shock or denial or anything really, he just wanted to tell them the truth, that their son may have had this letter with him when he...but that didn’t mean he was the one who _wrote_ it. 

“If he didn’t then,” Mrs. Murphy trails off, looking down at her lap, and Evan is about to explain more, but Mr. Murphy cuts him off, turning to his wife telling her, “Please calm down Cynthia. Of course Connor wrote this. It was with him when we…when we found him.”

Mrs. Murphy glances over to the letter, forgotten on Evan’s lap, pointing at it, and asking Evan softly, barely above a whisper, “But did he say anything to you? Did you see anything? Did he tell you why? This is all we have and your name’s right there, Evan please.” 

Evan doesn’t know what to say to these people who were insisting their son wrote his letter, he told them he hadn’t, so he’d done his part right? What they did with that was up to them. But Evan looks up and sees Cynthia’s face, so clearly grieving and distraught. He doesn’t want to hurt her more than she already was. It makes him think of his own mom. Is this what she would’ve been like if things had been different this summer? Evan had always thought she would’ve been relieved, but maybe Connor had thought that too, and Connor will never know how his mom reacted. But he can’t think about those things right now, so he pushes them out of mind, trying to focus on the situation at hand. It was getting harder and harder to breathe the longer he was with the Murphy’s and he’s not sure how much more of this he could handle. It was probably best if he just left. 

“I think I should go,” Evan says, picking up the letter off his lap, looking back and forth between it and Mrs. Murphy, who was looking directly at the letter. Evan stands up, and against his better judgement, tries to push the letter back into Mrs. Murphy’s hands, telling her, “You should have this.” 

Evan knows he’s made a mistake when he hears Mrs. Murphy say, “Larry, look at his cast. His best and most dearest friend”. He knows exactly what they’re looking at and the connections they think they’re making. He should have tried to hide or get rid of the big bulky letters spelling “CONNOR” across his left arm. He’d honestly figured no one would’ve noticed it the same way they don’t ever notice him. 

“Evan, we understand if you have to leave now, but please come over tonight. We just want to know more. We just want to know more about our Connor,” Mrs. Murphy pleads with him, and Evan finds himself nodding along, unable to say no to her. He feels almost like this an out-of-body experience, that his body was reacting in a way he couldn’t control.

Evan turns to leave, needing to get out of there before he let them believe more things that were untrue about their son, but Larry grabs ahold of his good elbow, pulling him back. He presses another piece of paper into Evan’s hands, with their address and what he thinks might be their cell phone numbers. 

“We have dinner around six if you want to join us Evan, but after works too, whatever you need,” Mrs. Murphy tells him kindly, and Evan briefly thinks she really does mean it when she says, “We just want to talk to you more.” 

Evan can’t think of a single instance in his life where someone had wanted to talk to him more. That they wanted to hear what he had to say. He really wishes this weren’t the reason people wanted to talk to him. Because they didn’t want to hear _Evan_ , they wanted to hear something about Connor. Their son. Their son who _died_. 

Evan nods his head again and scurries out of the office, racing quickly past the clerk. There was no way he could go back to class after this. He only had two periods left, so he decides on the spot to just leave. He didn’t really care if they called his mom. She probably wouldn’t answer to start, and if she did find out and asked him about it, he’ll just say he was confused about when his study period was. _I was just in the library Mom. I was confused Mom. I didn’t know if I could ask Mom._ It’s sad, but he knows she’ll believe him.

The only place Evan can think of going to that wouldn’t feel so smothering is Ellison. He’d spent almost his whole summer there, until his apprenticeship got cut short because his injuries when he’d fallen out of a tree. He knows he can’t climb with his arm still broken, and he’s not sure he would try even if he could; climbing could lead to falling. But he needs to be somewhere where people aren’t. It’s funny really. He’d do anything to have people notice him, to be his friend, but whenever he actually interacts with other people, he just ruins it, and he craves returning to the safety of solitude. 

As he walks, he contemplates the weird position he’s found himself in. Connor’s parents thought they were best friends and that Connor wrote his suicide note to him. These things weren’t true, but maybe he could just let them think they were. Would it really be that bad to just let the parents of a dead classmate think their son had a friend? That maybe Connor wasn’t as alone as Evan was? Give them one thing to hold on to as they grieved? 

Remembering the way Mrs. Murphy looked when she begged him to tell her more about Connor, Evan thinks that just maybe it wouldn’t be so terrible. He’d be lying, yeah, but it was for a worthy cause, right? They already believed that him and Connor were friends. 

Evan wouldn’t have to do anything past going to dinner tonight and say a couple nice things about Connor. He did have one nice thing to say that was true. Connor did sign his cast. He noticed no one else had and offered to do it and that was more than anyone else had done that day. Connor had noticed him. 

He could do this. Evan could sit through dinner and let Connor’s parents have this one thing. 

==

Dinner with the Murphy’s in incredibly awkward and Evan is already a very awkward person to begin with. To start, Evan was pretty sure he was sitting in the chair that used to be Connor’s, directly across from Zoe. He feels like he’s desecrating Connor’s memory or something, being in the exact spot he’d been so many times in his life. An unworthy replacement for a son that was actually missed. Second, Zoe was glaring at him pretty adamantly and he had no idea why. It’s possible that she knew Evan was filthy liar and secretly wrote about her in his letter that was masquerading as her brother’s suicide note. That was a pretty good reason to be glaring at him. Third, Mr. and Mrs. Murphy had invited him over to talk, but they weren’t saying anything. The only thing Evan could hear was the clinking of forks and knives against the china plates, and it was slowly driving him mad.

Finally, it’s Mr. Murphy who breaks the silence asking Evan, “Would you like some more chicken Evan?” 

Evan can appreciate that he’s trying, but he doesn’t know how his basically untouched meal was an indication that he wanted more food. He was too stressed to eat, doubting his plan the longer he was with them. They would know immediately that Evan was lying about anything he said about Connor. 

“I think you’re the only one with an appetite Dad,” Zoe mumbles, taking a break from glaring at Evan to glare at her dad. It makes Evan think that maybe he’s not the only thing she’s mad at. 

“The Harris’s brought it over, I’m just trying to be polite,” Mr. Murphy says, sighing deeply and looking over to his daughter and Evan can’t really tell his emotions, he just looks tired. 

“Evan, did Connor ever talk to you about the Harris’s? We used to go skiing with them every winter. Did he tell you about that?” Mrs. Murphy asks the anguish evident in voice, begging Evan to confirm something about her son. 

Evan opens his mouth to say something like “yeah” or “he thought it was cool” but before he can say anything Zoe interrupts remarking coldly, “Connor hated skiing and he hated Brian Harris. He spent the whole time getting high at the lodge.” 

“Zoe,” Mrs. Murphy chastises, looking apologetically over to Evan, “Please don’t interrupt, it’s rude. Now Evan what were you saying?” 

“Just that um, Connor loved talking about how much he hated skiing,” Evan tells her, and he doesn’t even believe what he just said, so he doesn’t know how Mrs. Murphy is looking at him like he just hung the moon or something. He glances over to Zoe and her eyes are narrowed, clearly on to him, so he looks back down at his plate, painfully eating some of the dinner, if only to avoid more direct questions. 

“So you guys, you…you hung out a lot?” Mrs. Murphy asks Evan, still looking at him hopefully, enraptured by the basic things Evan had said. 

“Yeah,” Evan replies vaguely, swallowing and choking just a bit, making his face turn red. He couldn’t bear to look at any of the Murphy’s, so he looks down to his lap and starts fiddling with loose gauze of his cast. 

“Where? Where did you guys hang out?” Zoe asks eyeing Evan suspiciously. He was sure she was going to call him on his bullshit and then he’d just look awful, a creepy liar, not like he was trying to do something nice for a grieving family. 

“My house I guess mostly. Sometimes here if no one was around. We didn’t always hang out in person. We emailed sometimes. Connor didn’t always like to hang out in person, you know,” Evan says trying his best to not give concrete details, pointedly not looking over to Zoe. He’d never really seen a side of her that wasn’t nice and bubbly, and he knows it’s weird but he kind of likes it. She was confident in a way that Evan probably never would be, not afraid to speak her mind, even if she was targeting her suspicions at Evan. 

“No you didn’t. We went through all his emails and there weren’t any from you,” Zoe says soberly with a light sense of superiority, confident that she’d finally cracked him, exposing him to her parents as a fraud. 

Evan doesn’t know why but he glances at Mrs. Murphy and she just looks so _sad_ , so without thinking he says, “Well you probably wouldn’t you see, because we um, he had another account. A secret one. We used that one mostly. I’m sorry that was probably really confusing.” 

Zoe rolls her eyes at her parents when she sees they’re completely enamored by Evan, even though the things he was saying didn’t make that much sense. Evan flinches when Mrs. Murphy snaps at Mr. Murphy saying accusingly, “He knew you were going through his stuff. His room, his emails, that’s why he was hiding this.” 

“Somebody needed to be the bad guy,” Larry huffs, going back to stabbing his chicken, looking away from his family and Evan. 

“So, here’s the thing, the only time I ever saw you and my brother interact at all, was when he pushed you down in the hallway at school. Why would he do that?” Zoe questions, and Evan swallows nervously, he’d kind of forgotten that Zoe had been there, that the reason she’d been talking to him that day was because Connor had pushed him. 

“Connor, he, he shoved you, Evan?” Mrs. Murphy asks, confused as to why her son would be so aggressive towards his “best and most dearest” friend. 

“I, um tripped?” Evan says more like he was asking a question that telling them what actually happened, he has a feeling that this was all going to come crumbling down around him, the more Zoe poked holes into his story. This is what he gets for trying to do something nice. Shouldn’t he know by now that he ruins everything he touches? He should’ve just left the Murphy’s alone. 

“No you didn’t. I was there and I saw everything. Connor shoved you hard and you fell to the ground,” Zoe tells both Evan and her mom, like she was pleading with her mom to see what she was seeing, that things weren’t adding up and that Connor wasn’t the kind of person who had a secret friend. 

“Oh, well I guess he did push me, but it was a misunderstanding. He was mad, well more annoyed really, that I was trying to talk to him at school,” Evan starts and that is vaguely true so he keeps going, “He didn’t want us talking at school, and I did it anyways. So it was my fault really. I probably deserved it.” 

Zoe softens a little at that, there’s no way anyone _deserved_ to be shoved to the ground, and asks a little more kindly, “Why wouldn’t he want to be seen with you at school?” 

“Um, people at school aren’t, um, nice? So he didn’t want people to know we were friends. I always thought it was because he was embarrassed of me,” Evan says, looking down again at his cast again. What he said wasn’t true, but he imagines it’s probably something Connor would do. That’s what Jared did too. Nobody ever wanted to be real friends with him. _Family Friends_ is what Jared called them, so why couldn’t he and Connor be _Secret Friends_? 

“Dear, why would he be embarrassed by being friends with you?” Mrs. Murphy asks softly, setting her hand gently on Evan’s shoulder. Evan feels bad that he’s actually comforted by her gesture, no one usually voluntarily touched him or tried to comfort him. 

“Well, I guess because I’m not very popular, more of a…” Evan starts to say, then Zoe cuts him off, filling in for him with, “Nerd?” 

“Zoe,” Larry says sternly, scolding her for being rude to their _guest_ again, but not really contributing to the conversation at all, just swirling his wine glass. 

“Isn’t that what you were going to say though,” Zoe challenges back, and she still seems angry, but Evan isn’t sure it’s about him being there anymore. That it might be more about her family. 

“Loser, is actually what I was going to say, but I guess nerd works too,” Evan tells her, daring to look up at her. He thinks he might have caught the tiniest glimpse of a smile directed at him, maybe she thought he was funny in a self-depreciating way, but it fades as soon as her mom says, “That wasn’t very nice of him.” 

“Connor wasn’t very nice, so it actually makes a lot of sense,” Zoe retorts, glaring at her mom. Evan starts to feel really guilty now. He just wanted to do something nice for these people, and he does think it’s helping Connor’s parents, but he thinks trying to force a fake version of Connor onto Zoe was only making things worse for her. Evan thinks she probably knew the real Connor, and he didn’t want to make her feel like her actual memories of him were wrong. 

“Connor…Connor was a complicated person,” Mrs. Murphy offers, knowing the relationship Connor and Zoe had wasn’t good, but only wanting to remember when he was her sweet little boy, not someone who shoved people in hallways or terrorized their sister. 

“No, Connor wasn’t a complicated person, he was a bad person and there’s a difference,” Zoe insists, demanding that her mom listen to her. Evan can see Mrs. Murphy starting to break down, little by little and it makes his heart break for her. Mrs. Murphy clearly cared a lot about Connor, and it makes him wonder what his mom would be insisting about him if the situation was different.

“Zoe, you refuse to remember the good things, refuse to see anything positive” Mrs. Murphy says to her daughter, her voice getting louder as if that would make Zoe agree with her.

“Because there weren’t any good things, Mom. If there were, tell me. Tell me all the good things about Connor,” Zoe yells back, looking like she might start crying, fed up with everything that was happening around her, distressed that her mom wouldn’t just believe her. 

“There were good things, there were good things,” Mrs. Murphy is saying quietly, like she was trying to convince herself more so than her daughter. 

Evan must really have a no sense in him because he blurts out, “I remember some good things about Connor”, in an attempt to diffuse the tension that was building between Zoe and her mom. He regrets it immediately because now Zoe is back to glaring at him and Mrs. Murphy is looking at him with her eyes full of hope, hanging onto every word. 

Looking at Zoe again, Evan doesn’t think he can continue, and he tries to back out of it by saying, “Never mind. I shouldn’t have said anything. It was stupid of me really. It doesn’t matter.” 

“Of course it matters, we want to hear what you have to say Evan,” Mrs. Murphy tells him and Evan thinks it might be the first time anyone’s ever told him that what he was saying mattered and they wanted to hear more. Evan reminds himself that he was there to do something good for Connor’s parents and that involved telling them nice things about Connor, even if they weren’t true. Even if they would crush Zoe. 

Evan hesitates, looking back and forth between Mrs. Murphy and Zoe and decides to keep going, hoping that he might be able to apologize to Zoe later. That was his new plan. Say a couple nice things, go apologize to Zoe, and then never see the Murphy’s again. Leave them alone to grieve their son. 

“Um, we had this one day this summer, where Connor um, he took me to this place, it had apples I think,” Evan says, floundering only a couple words into his lie, making use of the odd bowl of apples sitting as a center piece to the Murphy’s table. 

“He took you to the orchard?” Mrs. Murphy asks, filling in the story for Evan without even trying, and Evan just nods along, agreeing with her. 

“Connor loved going to the orchard when he was little. We used to take him and Zoe on little picnics there, but I thought it had closed down a while ago. I can’t believe he took you there. You two must have had a lot of fun,” Mrs. Murphy says, lost in the memories of when her kids got along so nicely, played together, and she didn’t have to worry over Connor so much. 

“Yeah, we did. It was a great day. We just hung out and talked about all sorts of things. Things we wanted to do when we got older, like write a book or learn to sail, silly things really. We talked about girls and stuff. Inside jokes. Things good friends do, all fun things. We even started climbing trees there too. Connor wanted to see what the orchard looked like from up so high, so we climbed as high as we could, looking over everything. It was perfect. Until the branch broke and I fell. That’s how I broke my arm. But everything was okay, because Connor was there and he helped me, yeah everything was okay,” Evan says, wishing that what he was saying was true. Imagining what it would have been like if someone had been there when he fell. What it would’ve been like if he had a real friend. If someone had heard him when he crashed to the ground.

The way Mrs. and Mr. Murphy were looking at him, like they believed him, like they cared about the things he was saying, that their son wasn’t so dreadfully alone, convince him for the slightest moment that he was doing the right thing, then he sees Zoe. She looks devastated and infuriated at the same time. He didn’t think his story was that bad, but he knows his lie was affecting Zoe differently and he couldn’t do that to her. He didn’t actually know anything about Connor and Zoe did. Her feelings mattered more.

He doesn’t get a chance to say anything else, because all of sudden Zoe’s out of her seat and stomping upstairs without a word to anyone. Evan can hear her door slam and he flinches, looking remorsefully at Mr. and Mrs. Murphy. 

“Zoe’s going through a lot, we’re sorry if she’s made this unpleasant, you’re going through a lot too,” Mrs. Murphy tells Evan, setting her hand back on his shoulder comfortingly.

“No, she’s, Zoe’s fine, but maybe I could go talk to her? Would that be okay?” Evan asks, knowing this might be his only chance to go apologize to her. She might hate him forever, and he’ll never get the chance to make it up to her, but he can’t lie to her. 

Mr. and Mrs. Murphy look at each other, and Evan can’t get over how sad they look, about their son, about their daughter, about everything and he thinks his ask might be too much for them.

“Yeah, that’s okay. I think she needs to hear some good things about Connor. They didn’t get on well,” Mrs. Murphy tells Evan, dropping her hand from his shoulder. She gets up and starts clearing the table, and Evan takes that as his dismissal, an okay to go find Zoe. But he definitely wasn’t going to be telling her good things about Connor. Not even neutral things. Because he didn’t know him. He didn’t have anything to say about Connor Murphy. 

Evan walks up the staircase because he heard Zoe do it when she left, but he has no idea where to go in the Murphy’s large expensive house. He looks at all their photos on the wall as he searches for Zoe’s room. In the photos they look like the perfect family. Baby Zoe and Connor holding on to one another, posing for photos, smiling because they were happy. As the get more recent and Zoe and Connor age, all the photos start to look forced. Staged. All of them fake. Maybe the Murphy’s were used to lies. 

Evan finally finds what he thinks is Zoe’s room, if the large elaborately decorated “Zoe” hanging on the door was any hint. He knocks hesitantly, still unsure if he was doing the right thing, but he doesn’t think he can let Zoe believe his lies. 

Zoe opens the door angrily and Evan thinks she’s wiping tears away from her eyes hastily, which seals it for Evan, he has to tell her. 

“What do you want Evan? Are you here to tell me more about how wonderful my awful, awful brother was?” Zoe says, her glare piercing and fierce, and Evan is slightly terrified for a second, making him hesitate in responding. 

Zoe turns away, trying to close the door on him, clearly annoyed at his presence, but Evan finally moves, reaching out for her, pulling her to face him again. 

Evan does his best to look her in the eye—something he hated doing—and tells her, “Everything I just told you and your parents was a lie.”


	2. The Devil’s in the Details, But You’ve Got a Friend in Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan tells Zoe the truth about everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi Everyone! I was so excited to hear that people are excited for this story and I hope this chapter doesn't disappoint! 
> 
> It's always been a small headcanon of mine that Zoe already had a crush on Evan before the events of the musical. I think it's cute and that's what I'm working from. I think it explains some of her actions this chapter, because her emotions/actions are a bit of a rollercoaster, but I think they are in the musical too, so hopefully it flows okay!
> 
> Also this chapter is all Evan/Zoe, I think Cynthia has a single line, but otherwise it's just these two awkward beans talking the whole time. I think it's pretty cute, so I hope you do to, and I hope you can see how Zoe's going to get pulled into Evan's lies more and more :) 
> 
> Thank you to everyone for reading/commenting/subscribing/kudos-ing/bookmarking! I love that people are interested in this idea!!!!! Thank you!!!!

Zoe’s just staring at Evan, eyes narrow, and Evan has no idea what to do. He was still gently holding her wrist, should he let go? Does he just walk out of their house now that he’d said he was lying? Should he start listing off all the reasons why he did it? Would Zoe even care? 

He doesn’t have time to decide on anything because Zoe’s switching her grip and grabbing him, pulling him into her room and closing the door. She drops his hand and crosses her arms across her chest, asking Evan, “What are you talking about?”

“I made it all up. I didn’t know Connor. You were right, the only time I’ve ever talked to him was when he pushed me in the hallway, and then when he tried to apologize by signing my cast. We weren’t best friends, we weren’t anything,” Evan tells her, looking anywhere but her face, trying to wring his hands together (failing because of his cast), shifting uncomfortably on his feet. 

“How do I know you’re not lying now?” Zoe questions him, and Evan can’t tell how she’s feeling based on her tone, so he actually looks up to her, meeting her gaze. And it shocks him a little. Zoe doesn’t look like the girl he idolized for almost all of high school, she just looks like a girl who was nervous about what was happening, unsure what to believe in the wake of everything. 

“Why would I lie to you about lying?” Evan asks her, genuinely puzzled as to why Zoe would think he was lying now and not earlier. But he’s looking at her and she looks less tense than when she answered door, which Evan thinks is probably good, but he hates that she still looks defensive, and still nervous, arms wrapped around herself protectively. Is this what he looked like to other people? No, Zoe still looked more put together, he was sure of it. He was always a mess, but he was trying to make her feel better, not worse. And he’s not sure his plan was working, but he probably should have foreseen that, his plans almost never worked out. 

“I don’t know Evan, you’re the liar here, not me,” Zoe says scrunching her eyebrows down at him like it was obvious, but also letting her arms fall away from herself, a little less on edge. Evan takes it as a good sign, even with her slightly icy tone, that he should continue, tell her that he wasn’t lying now and why he lied earlier. 

“I’m not lying to you now, I swear. I tried to tell your parents at school, I did. I told them Connor didn’t write that letter, but they just wouldn’t listen. Your parents,” Evan pauses and without thinking takes a small step closer to Zoe, “Your parents looked so sad and desperate, and I thought maybe just letting them think that Connor had a friend wouldn’t be that bad. It’s not like I have any friends either, so it’s not like anyone could’ve confirmed it. Something was telling me to just let them have this one thing, you know? That it might be the only thing they’d have.” 

Zoe is just staring at him again, but she hadn’t stepped away from him when he stepped closer, so this time he makes the decision to step closer to her again, hoping that she was believing what he was saying. He still can’t exactly read her expression, but he thinks she might be. She didn’t look angry like she had at dinner, and she no longer looked super defensive. The emotion that was left though, Evan doesn’t ever really want to see her look that way again. 

“I was going to just say we were friends and then leave you and your family alone,” Evan tells her, his voice desperately trying to convey that he wasn’t lying or a total weirdo. He had just wanted to do something nice. Be a good person who did something for someone else instead of someone who cowered behind his own thoughts and fears like he always did. 

“Why are you telling me all this Evan?” Zoe asks softly, not looking Evan in the eye either. Maybe Zoe wasn’t as confident as Evan liked to believe. Maybe she was just as anxious as Evan was right now, trying not to mess up this incredibly bizarre conversation Evan had started, the very same way he was. 

“At dinner, you looked so hurt and the things I was saying weren’t comforting you the way they were comforting your parents, and I couldn’t do that to you. You obviously knew who Connor was and I wasn’t about to invalidate all that. You should be able to remember Connor for who he was, not some version I made up for the sake of your parents,” Evan tells her, somewhat proud of himself for telling her the absolute truth. He wasn’t fumbling over his words or saying the wrong thing or awkwardly laughing because he didn’t know what else to do. It gives him a little hope that this was a good idea. Zoe needed to know the truth, and that’s the very least he could do for her. 

“Connor wasn’t good person,” Zoe says, looking up a little to Evan, hesitant, thinking that he might immediately jump to correct her or try to neutralize her feelings like her parents had been doing. 

“I believe you Zoe, I really do, and I won’t ever try and tell you otherwise, not ever again,” Evan tells her and for the briefest second, he sees relief flood into her eyes. It’s encouraging that she wasn’t throwing him out on the spot, but then her eyes narrow once more, as if she was remembering something important, asking him, “How do you explain the letter then? Why did Connor have it? Why was I mentioned? Why was it addressed to you?” 

Evan can feel his own shoulders slumping, embarrassed of what he was going to have to tell Zoe, and even though their conversation wasn’t going too terribly, he was pretty sure Zoe wouldn’t want anything to do with him after this next part. There been a tiny piece of him that was hoping she would be okay with it, that she wouldn’t instantly think of him as a stalker the way Connor had. But shouldn’t he have learned by now not to hope for things? Especially not when he knew what the actual outcome would be. 

“I have to go to, to um, therapy for my anxiety, and the letters are assignments from my therapist. They’re supposed to help boost my confidence. ‘Dear Evan Hansen, today’s going to be a good day and here’s why’ and all that,” Evan tells her, gesturing a little wildly with his hands, unable to look at Zoe, sure that he’d find either pity or disgust on her face if he did. 

“The letter Connor had didn’t exactly sound like a confidence boost,” Zoe says, not in disbelief, but somewhat concerned, and Evan can see her mismatched socked feet take a tiny step closer to him from where he was looking on the ground. He can’t believe it when he feels a light pressure on his arm, was Zoe Murphy was touching him? On purpose? He forces himself to look at her and she doesn’t look disgusted or full of pity for him. She kind of looks like she understands. Her green eyes were sad for the both of them. And she doesn’t move her hand. 

“Yeah, I wasn’t really having a good day. I don’t really have a lot of good days, just ones that are less bad, I guess,” Evan tells her, not really sure why he was telling her that, there was no way Zoe cared. Or maybe she did? She hasn’t moved her hand away from him his arm and Evan swears he feels her squeeze his arm in support. He can’t focus on that though, he needed to finish telling her what happened.

“But, um, I was printing it before therapy and Connor found it and stole it. I tried to tell him that he didn’t understand and to give it back, but I was really panicky, so I probably didn’t explain all that well. And he was so angry and then just stormed off with it. I thought he’d just tell everyone how much of a freak I am, and I didn’t, couldn’t think about anything else,” Evan says glancing at Zoe’s hand on his arm, still in disbelief that she was touching him freely. Her touch was soft and little hesitant, but there, and Evan can’t really decide if it’s making him more nervous or more relaxed. Maybe a little bit of both. 

Zoe finally takes her hand away from Evan and he immediately misses it, even though he knows he shouldn’t. She didn’t mean anything by it. He wasn’t even sure why she was being so nice to him. 

“So why did you say all your hope was pinned on me? What did you mean by that?” Zoe questions in a way Evan didn’t expect. She didn’t sound mean or even disturbed that a creepy senior had said he had all his hope stuck on her, in a letter to himself, that had been mistaken for her brother’s suicide note. Evan must be worse at reading emotions than he thought because there’s no way she was okay with any of this, but he still owes her the truth. He didn’t get this far to start lying to her now. 

“Because, um, because I think you’re amazing. And you talking for me for five seconds on the first day of school was the best part of my day, even though I ruined it by being all weird. You’re kind and confident and talented, all things that I’m not. And I always had it in my head if I could just be more like you, if we could be friends or something that maybe things would get better and everything wouldn’t be so terrible all the time. But I understand if you never want to see me ever again. This whole thing was probably so weird, and you’re probably so creeped out right now. I won’t bother you, I swear, and I’ll stay away from your parents too,” Evan says looking away from her again and back to the ground, his words getting faster and faster the more he talked. Any sliver of anything was gone now that Zoe knew he was like obsessed with her. 

Zoe isn’t saying anything, and Evan can’t bear to look at her, therefore he can’t see the tiny blush creeping onto Zoe’s cheeks, highlighting the trail of freckles across her nose. There wasn’t anything malicious about her silence, she was just taking in everything Evan had told her. That he thought she was amazing and nice and talented. Not once did he mention her being Connor Murphy’s little sister. Evan saw her for her, and she liked that a lot. 

Evan can’t bear the silence anymore and he still hasn’t checked Zoe’s reaction to everything he said and his head is just telling him to leave, get out before he makes it worse, so he takes a step away from Zoe, apologizing, “I’m just really sorry I’m putting you through this. I never meant for this to happen. I should go.” 

He’s taken by surprise once more by Zoe Murphy when she grabs his good wrist, sliding her hand to his, tugging him back gently, saying, “You don’t have to leave Evan. I’d actually prefer it if you stayed with me. Can I tell you why I got so mad at dinner?” 

Evan’s frozen in place, staring at her hand in his and in total disbelief of what was happening. He finally lets himself look up at Zoe and sees the fading tinge of pink on her cheeks, how her shoulders were relaxed, no longer tense and distrustful, and how her eyes looked like she wanted him to desperately say yes. To let her speak without fear of being talked over or told how to feel or just completely ignored. 

Evan finds himself nodding and telling her, “Yeah I’m all ears,” then regretting it, because who says that? He tries again reassuring her, “You can tell me whatever you want, and I won’t say anything to anyone, unless you want me to, which you probably don’t. But I’m a good listener is what I’m trying to say.” 

Zoe starts to tug on Evan’s hand again, leading him to the foot of her bed and pulling him down so they were leaning with their backs against the footboard. Evan lets her lead and is glad they weren’t standing in the middle of her room anymore, because somehow this felt safer. Evan tries not to be disappointed when Zoe drops his hand as they sit. He was probably imagining it, but her hand felt like it fit perfect in his and he didn’t want to let go. 

“Connor almost broke my arm when I was thirteen and I never told anyone about it because I was scared,” Zoe says, her voice barely above a whisper, sitting with her knees pulled into her chest, not quite able to look fully at Evan while she told him. 

Evan knows there’s probably more to the story and he’d promised he’d be a good listener, so he fights every urge he has to over-talk words of comfort to her. He doesn’t like the way Zoe’s sitting or talking, like she’d still afraid that Connor might do something to her for telling him. He hates it actually. But he just waits, picking at his cast, letting Zoe continue. 

“I still idolized him at time. He was my big brother and he meant everything to me, so when he asked if I wanted to hang out, I happily agreed. I didn’t know he was high at the time, or I like to think I wouldn’t have gone with him. But we were talking and I was happy because he’d stopped talking to me a couple months before and it felt like I had my brother back,” Zoe says, angling herself slightly more towards Evan, as she moved her feet to sit cross-legged. It felt like she was opening up to him, and it gives Evan a reason to sit closer to her too, almost so that their knees were touching, but not, he didn’t want to freak her out.

“Then he grabbed my arm and tried to twist it behind me, and he wouldn’t stop even when I told him he was hurting me, he just twisted it further. Then he just stopped. I don’t know why he did it or why he let go eventually, but my wrist was hurt for weeks. I couldn’t play, it was hard to write, but the worst part was how scared I was of him. I never let myself be around him alone again after that, except that day when my parents forced me to drive him to school,” Zoe continues, her voice incredibly sad, staring at the tiny gap between her and Evan’s legs, carefully avoiding his gaze. Evan once again keeps himself from trying to compulsively soothe her, and just listens, letting her set the pace of her own story. 

Zoe finally looks up at Evan, and Evan forces himself to meet her gaze, watching her eyes turn a striking shade of green as they started to well with tears as she says, “So the thought that Connor was there for you when you broke your arm? That he was caring and considerate and helped _you_ , when he’d done that to me, his own sister, I couldn’t handle it.” 

“I’m so sorry Zoe. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. I’m sorry that the story I made up brought back those memories for you. You shouldn’t have had to deal with Connor all by yourself, scared to tell your parents. Your mom was just filling in stuff for me, believing everything I was saying. I’ve always imagined what’d it be like if I had a friend, the things we’d do, and it was just so easy to replace a figment of my imagination with Connor’s name. And I just really wish someone had been there when I fell; it’s the one story I want to rewrite every day,” Evan tells her, his voice never once faltering. He hates that they’re telling each other some of their worst experiences, their deepest fears, and faults, but he can’t shake the feeling of relief and he wonders if Zoe feels it too. She wipes away the tiny tear that had escaped, and Evan’s not sure if it’s for him or for her, or both of them. 

“This won’t make you feel better, but I really did fall out of a tree, but I was completely alone. No one found me or really even realized I’d been gone. When I finally managed to stumble back to the resource center it’d been like two hours and my boss had to drive me to the hospital, but then he just left. I had to have emergency surgery to reset the break and I guess I had some internal bleeding or something, I don’t really remember. My mom didn’t even know until I’d been at the hospital for like six hours, and she works there,” Evan tells her, wiping away his own tears that had somehow slipped out. 

Zoe scoots a smidge closer to Evan, letting their knees touch ever so delicately, leaning closer to him, and Evan thinks that she might lean against him completely, she doesn’t, but it doesn’t stop him from enjoying her closeness. He wasn’t sure if he’d ever get another chance to be open and vulnerable with her because even if she was okay with him now, she’d eventually come to the same conclusion that everyone else did and decide he wasn’t worth it. 

“I’m sorry you had to go through all that alone Evan. There’s a lot of things I wish I could rewrite too, so I can see why you lied about that and why you lied to my parents. And you told me the truth, which no one has done in a while. Almost everyone is trying to make Connor out to be this person he wasn’t, and then they get so mad when I remind them who he was. It’s nice you just let me talk, about him, about everything,” Zoe says softly, meeting his eyeline, and she sounds so sincere, so different from when she’d been accusing and distrustful of him earlier. 

Evan can’t control what he’s saying, and he just really wants to comfort Zoe, so he looks up at her, and leans his body against hers, so that their shoulders and knees were touching now, and he just starts rambling, “I could be here if you want to talk about Connor. I won’t judge you or try to say anything about him if you want that. Or you don’t have to talk about him if you want that. I’m being weird again, I’m sorry. I just mean that if you need someone I would be here.” 

“Thanks Evan, I actually really appreciate that, but only if you promise not to lie to me again,” Zoe tells him, looking up at him hopefully, going out on a limb by deciding to trust him. Evan can only nod his head, amazed that Zoe appears to not only have forgiven him but could also possibly want to talk to him more. And she hasn’t pulled away from him, which Evan thought would have made him panic a little, but it feels nice and what started as his typical anxiety has turned into more of a fluttery giddy-like nervous state. And Evan’s pretty sure it has everything to do with Zoe. And the fact that she didn’t hate him. That she was talking to him like a normal person. 

“And Evan, I don’t think you’re weird by the way, so you don’t need to keep apologizing,” Zoe says smiling just a little, trying to hide the way her cheeks were turning pink.

“You don’t?” Evan asks incredulously, not at all believing that Zoe didn’t think he was weird. Everyone thought that, it’s why he didn’t have any friends. 

“Well, maybe a little, but in a good way. You’re not like everyone else Evan and I like that. And it’s kind of endearing when you ramble on,” Zoe tells him, her blush still very apparent, and her small smile was slowly turning into a real smile the more they talked. Evan really hopes she isn’t lying (which would be incredibly ironic if she were) and decides to just take it as a compliment. Zoe liked something about him, and it was more than he could say of anyone else in his life, so he lets himself cherish it.

Evan and Zoe are just sitting there, enjoying the fact that their sides were touching, that they were finally on the same page. Evan knows he made the right choice in telling Zoe everything. But Evan can’t shake the feeling that there was one more thing he’d needed to apologize for or fix or something, but he can’t remember everything he’d said at dinner.

It’s Zoe who reminds him when after a beat of comfortable silence, she says to him, “Evan, you do realize you told my parents you and Connor had secret emails. They’re going to want to see those.” 

“Fuck,” Evan says putting his head in his hands. Why had he said they sent secret emails to each other? Why did he always over complicate things?

Zoe just smiles at him, laughing a little at Evan cursing. It wasn’t something she’d expected from him and it was cute. Evan however, realizing he’d just cursed in front of her and she’d probably think he was rude or something, jolts back up apologizing, “Oh my god, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say that. I don’t normally say things like that.” 

“Evan it was fine, you’re ruining it by apologizing. I think you’ve earned the right to say fuck after tonight,” Zoe says still laughing light heartedly at him. Normally Evan would get upset knowing someone was laughing at him. But it feels different than when Jared laughed at him. Zoe’s laugh was pretty for one. Evan wanted to hear her laugh all the time, even at the expense of himself. But it didn’t really seem like she was laughing _at him_. He can’t explain it, but it was different. 

“Sorry,” Evan says sheepishly, blushing at the way Zoe was smiling at him, “But no, I’d kinda forgotten I’d said that. Sometimes I just start talking and I don’t know exactly what I’m saying. I was just supposed to say a couple nice things and then never bother you again. I messed up even the simplest of plans. Everything got all messed up when I couldn’t lie to you, I couldn’t think straight anymore, not really that I do anyways.” 

“Well I’m glad you didn’t lie to me. And I think it might be okay if we just let my parents think what they want,” Zoe starts, speaking in her soft sincere tone again, making Evan believe that she was telling him what she actually thought. Evan is still a little shocked, even though he believed her and his expression prompts Zoe to explain more, “You were right in thinking they’re not in a good place and they can’t really function right now with everything. Tonight’s the most put together they’ve been and that was because you were coming over. Maybe it wouldn’t be that bad for them to have this.” 

“Do you really think that?” Evan says just to make sure, offering, “I could tell them, explain that I tried to tell them at school today too.” 

“Yeah, I really think they might be better off thinking that Connor had a friend. The last couple years Connor was just so far away, and my parents tried but they could never connect with him, so I’m sure they feel like what happened is partly their fault. I think this might help them a lot,” Zoe tells him, looking down at her hands in her lap. Evan thinks she has more to say, so he waits instead of jumping in to thank her for going along with his lie. 

“I could probably help you make some emails too. It can’t be that hard to change some dates around,” Zoe says looking up to Evan to gauge his reaction. Evan is apparently only going to be shocked by the actions of Zoe Murphy tonight, because he can’t believe she’d offering to help him add to his lie. 

“Why would you do that for me? Help me lie even more,” Evan asks her, slightly concerned that getting Zoe involved could be even worse. It was one thing that she knew he was lying, and it was a whole other thing helping him perpetuate the lie. 

“I don’t know. I like talking to you and it’s really more about my parents, like you said. Plus, it shouldn’t be too hard to write something as Connor. All he ever was like was Angry. Drugs. Emo. Angry. Black nail polish. Books. Emo,” Zoe says raising her eyebrows and attempting to deepen her voice while doing it, and Evan can’t help but laugh at Zoe’s terrible impersonation of Connor and soon enough Zoe joins in laughing too. Evan supposes they’d be more realistic if Zoe helped and they’d only have to do a couple, he could claim he deleted the rest. Evan nods at her, okaying her plan. Plus it’d be less likely that he would mess something up if Zoe was involved, she wasn’t even close to being the disaster that Evan was. 

“So if I’m going to be Connor, I need to know more about my supposed best friend. I already know you like jazz band,” Zoe teases him, moving their conversation to something much lighter. Evan immediately blushes, remembering the way he talked about jazz band in the hall to her on the first day of school. 

“Ugh, I can’t believe I said all that. I’m sorry I was being so weird,” Evan says, and Zoe gives him a look pseudo-reprimanding him for calling himself weird again, and Evan smiles a little, nodding to her, continuing, “Everything was just really overwhelming that morning. Alana told me her grandma died then walked away and then Jared was being Jared and made Connor upset and then he pushed me and then I was so taken aback by you talking to me, I was just making no sense whatsoever.” 

“It’s okay. I didn’t know it was Jared who made Connor mad, I just assumed Connor pushed you for no reason,” Zoe tells him and Evan can tell she doesn’t think too highly of Jared Kleinman, so he tries to steer the conversation back to them.

“But, for me, I guess there’s not too much to say. I’m not super interesting, mostly just really anxious about everything. And I try not to draw attention to myself,” Evan says, fiddling with his cast once more, unsure of when he’d stopped before. He didn’t really like talking about himself. When he did, it gave people more reasons not to like him. 

“I notice you, and I noticed you before this too,” Zoe says sweetly and it makes Evan look up at her again, stopping himself from picking at his cast. 

“Really?” Evan asks, not really believing that _Zoe Murphy_ noticed someone like him before he was a target of her brother’s. 

“I knew your name, didn’t I?” Zoe says blushing furiously, but refusing to look away from Evan, challenging him in a sense. 

“Yeah, you did, that’s true. Um, I guess I like trees. I was a junior park ranger this summer at Ellison. I like to write sometimes too, but I’d rather hear about you Zoe,” Evan tells her, proud of himself for saying two mostly normal hobbies, but still really wanting to stop talking about himself. When he sees Zoe, she’s smiling like it’s the first time anyone’s ever asked to hear about her and only her, not lumping her in with her brother. Evan would never bring up Connor ever again if it meant that Zoe would smile like that more. 

“Um, I got my driver’s license this summer, which has been really cool. Let’s see, I play guitar, but you already know that,” Zoe says, having a slightly hard time talking about herself too, not used to people wanting to hear about her specifically. 

Evan smiles at that and blushes a little, deciding to tell her, “And you’re really good. I wanted to tell you that after the jazz band concert last spring, but I was too nervous to say anything.” 

“You came to see me play?” Zoe asks, stunned that someone wanted to watch her that hadn’t been forced to. She usually had to beg her parents to come to any of her shows or concerts because they were always having to deal with something Connor had done or was about to do. It was nice that someone cared, even if they’d been too nervous to tell her before now. 

“Yes?” Evan tells her hesitantly, feeling the need to apologize because she was probably thinking how weird it was to go to someone’s concert when you don’t even know them, so he follows up with, “I’m sorry if that’s weird.”

“It’s not weird Evan, it’s really sweet,” Zoe says, smiling at him, and leaning against him just a little more, setting her hands on the ground to prop herself up, telling him more, “I can play piano and ukulele too. I’m trying to learn how to play bass this year too.” 

“Really? That’s so cool Zoe. I don’t think I could play one instrument, let alone four. That’s incredible,” Evan tells her, feeling more normal than he’s ever been. He was still worried he’d say something dumb or weird but talking to Zoe was becoming more and more natural. She seemed like she liked talking to him too.

“It’s just something that’s always come pretty easy to me. And music gave me something to focus on after Connor started getting into drugs. I’ve spent a lot time alone in my room or at the school, which is just more practice time,” Zoe says sadly, and Evan can’t relate 100%, but he knows what it’s like to feel alone with nowhere to go, and he hates that Zoe’s felt like that. 

Evan doesn’t know why, but he’s gently setting his hand over hers on the ground, attempting to comfort her. He doesn’t at all expect Zoe to take it a little further and lace her hand in his, squeezing it gently. He hadn’t thought about his hands being sweaty before but now it’s all he can think about. His hands were probably sweaty, and he was probably grossing Zoe out, but she was too nice to say anything. And he couldn’t pull away because he didn’t want to, but he didn’t want her to think he was rude either. 

“Evan your hand isn’t sweaty,” Zoe says giggling a little, making Evan realize he’d said all that out loud, and oh my god he’d said all that out loud in front of Zoe. Evan is sure his whole face is bright red including his neck and ears and he can’t believe he just did that, but Zoe said his hands weren’t sweaty. He’s not sure he believes her, but he doesn’t take his hand back and neither does she. And he’s pretty sure he was right earlier, their hands fit together kind of perfectly. It’s nice and it’s comforting and if he had to stay like this forever, he wouldn’t mind at all. 

Neither of them says anything, and just sit there holding hands, blushes on both their faces, and for the first time probably ever, Evan doesn’t have the urge to fill the silence with needless chatter. Everything is just nice and he’s just really happy he told Zoe the truth. 

They’re interrupted by a knock at Zoe’s door and her mom entering in slowly without waiting to hear a reply from inside. She looks shocked that Evan was still there, assuming he’d left a long time ago. Evan gets super nervous by Mrs. Murphy just barging into Zoe’s room and quickly pulls his hand away from Zoe’s. He’s sad that the moment they were having is over, knowing that it wasn’t likely that they’d have anything like it again. And he hopes Zoe isn’t offended. 

“Oh Evan, you’re still here. I’m glad you guys got some time to talk, but it’s late, do you need a ride home Evan?” Mrs. Murphy asks, forgetting about the reason she came into Zoe’s room in the first place. Evan doesn’t like how Zoe was brushed to the side the minute her mom knew he was there, because he hoped she’d been there to check on her and see how she was feeling, but maybe not. 

“No, I’m okay Mrs. Murphy. I can walk home, it’s not far really,” Evan says politely, getting up off the floor to stand in the middle of Zoe’s room once more. He knew that his house was at least a 45-minute walk from the Murphy’s. He didn’t want to inconvenience her, and he didn’t really want to spend a whole car ride alone with her. He didn’t exactly trust what he might say, knowing that she’d try to talk to him about Connor. He absolutely didn’t need to validate more dumb things he was sure he’d say. Emails were already going to be enough.

“Evan, it’s dark, you can’t walk home. I can drive you, if that’s okay Mom?” Zoe says suddenly on her feet as well, standing next to Evan, almost protectively. Evan thinks that she probably wasn’t offended at least, unless she was and was planning on yelling at him in her car for being rude. 

“Um, okay, I guess you’re right Zoe,” Evan says, shakily agreeing to Zoe’s plan looking at her and seeing her small smile. Maybe she really wasn’t upset about the hand-holding thing. Neither of them sees the small smile on Cynthia’s face, a real smile, as she looked between the two of them, noting Zoe’s much improved mood from dinner. Evan really was a gift to them if he could get Zoe feeling better about her brother. 

Zoe grabs her bag off her desk and heads out of her room, brushing past her mom and gesturing for Evan to follow her. 

Evan, not wanting to be rude to Mrs. Murphy, but also not wanting to keep Zoe waiting, quickly says, “Thank you for having me Mrs. Murphy,” and tries to scurry past her to Zoe. 

But Cynthia grabs him and pulls him into a hug, telling him, “Evan, you’re welcome any time here, we’d love to see you more often. And dear, please call me Cynthia.” 

“Okay, I’m sorry. I will. Thank you again,” Evan tells her quickly, wiggling out of her hug and fleeing to Zoe’s side, eager to leave now that Cynthia knew he was still there. He didn’t want to talk about Connor anymore tonight, he was exhausted. 

Evan and Zoe walk out silently and get into her cute little yellow slugbug and Evan fears the easy conversation they were having before is gone, that they’d reverted back to awkward, probably due to something he did. 

But Zoe surprises him by handing him her phone and saying, “You can choose any playlist you’d like; I like them all. And I’m sorry about my mom. She can be super overbearing and weird sometimes.” 

Evan can’t handle the pressure of choosing the music and randomly hits play on the first playlist, setting Zoe’s phone in the console as fast as he can, hoping she didn’t secretly hate what he’d picked. He almost doesn’t register her apologizing for her mom. Evan agrees she’s overbearing but he would never say that out loud, but tells Zoe, “I don’t know, it’s kind of nice. My mom’s not really around much, yours at least seems like she’s trying.” 

Evan sees Zoe face falter a little in the glow of the streetlights and immediately feels bad. He didn’t mean to act like he ‘had it worse’ or anything, and he especially didn’t want Zoe to feel bad about her own feelings towards her mom. 

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what I’m saying really, I didn’t mean to make it weird. You don’t care about my mom not being around and it makes me sound ungrateful and I’m not. I know she has to work because she has me and she studies all the time so that maybe one day she could work less. She does all these things for me and I should just be a better son and be grateful,” Evan says rapidly and a little uncontrollably. He shouldn’t have said all that to Zoe. Why was he so weird all the time? 

“Evan, you don’t need to apologize for everything, especially for having feelings. You can miss your mom the same way I can think sometimes my mom is too much. I bet both our moms could do with some balancing,” Zoe says, taking her eyes off the road to look at him. Evan meets her gaze, noting her half smile, and can’t help but agree with her. Zoe turns up the music a little, letting herself sing along and Evan is mesmerized by her for the rest of the drive. 

Pretty soon they’re pulling into Evan’s driveway and Evan doesn’t want her to leave. Even if their night had started shaky and distrustful, Evan can’t remember a time where he felt better than tonight, just talking to Zoe Murphy. 

Zoe is also stalling unbeknownst to Evan until she asks, “If your mom isn’t home, do you want me to stay until she comes home?” 

“No, you don’t have to. She won’t be home until past midnight probably,” Evan says, looking down at his cast and pulling at the fraying edges a little frantically. 

“Are you sure? I don’t mind,” Zoe says, looking at Evan, almost pleading with him to say yes. She wasn’t going to just invite herself to his house. 

Evan semi understanding what she wanted, but still not quite believing that she wanted to hang out with him more, hesitantly asks, “Do you want to?” 

“Yeah, I do,” Zoe says sheepishly and Evan is glad she can’t see the blush forming on his face again, she’d seen him blush enough tonight for a lifetime, continuing, “Honestly, I haven’t really been able to leave the house all that much, and everything reminds me of Connor. Being away and being with you would be much better.”

“Okay, you can stay as long as you like then,” Evan says, daring to return her smile, happy that she had a place to go and totally not because that place was with him. He tries to tamp down the fluttery feeling that had returned to his stomach, liking that it was replacing his normal anxiety, but still not wanting it to mess things up with Zoe. 

They both get out of the car and Zoe follows Evan to the front door, close to his side the whole time, until he unlocks and opens the door, holding it for her. She smiles at him again then starts to aimlessly walk around Evan’s house, looking at everything. 

Evan is worried for a second that Zoe would feel weird in his house, unaccustomed to things that weren’t new and expensive. His house wasn’t like the Murphy’s, not even close. But his worry strangely washes away as he watches Zoe make herself completely at home. She looks way more comfortable here than she did in her own house and Evan suddenly realizes how bad it must have been, feeling trapped there. 

Evan finds her smiling and staring at the pictures his mom has up of him as a baby and while growing up, making him smile too. 

“Evan, you were so cute as a baby, but this haircut is so unfortunate. A bowl-cut? Really? What was your mom thinking?” Zoe teases lightly, reaching up to touch his hair now, which definitely was not cut into a bowl shape. 

Evan laughs with her because he does know how terrible it looks, and he really likes the feeling of Zoe’s fingers running through his hair, but he has to defend himself telling her, “Hey it was the early 2000’s, everyone had terrible haircuts and it’s not like I had a say.” 

Zoe just laughs more, walking down the hallway, and Evan never wants her to stop. He’s really happy she offered to drive him home because he wants to spend as much time as possible with her before the inevitable happens. Then at least he’d have some good things to remember her by. He couldn’t really remember any good memories with anyone besides his mom and the ones he made up. 

Zoe eventually finds his room and Evan is glad it’s clean, he didn’t want Zoe thinking he was sloppy. But he watches her as she’s immediately drawn to the large physical map of the US he had pinned up on the far wall. Every trail and every mountain he wanted to hike someday was marked with different color pins. He’d started it at the beginning of the summer before he’d broken his arm. 

“Evan, what does all this mean?” Zoe asks, genuinely curious about the colors and locations. 

“They’re just different places, trails and ridges and stuff, that I want to hike one day, if I get a chance to,” Evan says, joining her by the map, but not standing too close to her. 

“Well, it’s really cool, I like it a lot. This one is close to here,” Zoe says pointing to a trail that was maybe thirty minutes outside of their town, “Have you done this one yet?” 

“No,” Evan replies, looking away from her, he almost wants to lie and say it’s because he’s been too busy, but he’d promised her he wouldn’t lie to her, so he tells her, “There’s an advisory to not go alone because of one kind of tricky spot, and I’ve never had someone to go with me.” 

“I’ll go with you. I’m not much of a hiker, but it sounds fun,” Zoe says, glancing at Evan, noticing his bewildered face, wondering if he would always be this shocked every time she suggested doing something together. 

“Really?” Evan asks her, truly not sure if that was something she wanted to do, especially with him. 

“Yeah, are you doing anything next weekend?” Zoe asks him, taking it upon herself to ask him, getting the feeling after spending the evening with Evan that he wasn’t going to ask her without thinking he was being weird. Evan nods his head “no”, still a little struck by Zoe wanting to something with _him_ , just the two of them.

“It’s a…plan then,” Zoe says, blushing and catching herself before she said something like “date”. Evan doesn’t pick up on it, still a little dazed that she offered to go hiking with him, solidifying that, yes, she did want to hang out with him more after tonight. 

“So, Evan which one do you want to do the most and why?” Zoe asks, returning the conversation to the map, giving Evan a second to process that she was being sincere. She had a feeling she was going to have to remind him often that she was serious about the things she offered. 

“Probably the Appalachian Trail. It’s supposed to be beautiful and reconnect you with nature and not a lot people do the whole thing, so I think it would be cool to have an accomplishment like that. Might make me a little more interesting,” Evan says quietly, not particularly used to people asking him about his interests in an honest way. He didn’t think that Zoe was going to make fun of him for his reasoning. Or at least he hoped not. 

“I think you’re interesting Evan,” Zoe says quietly back to him, gently leaning into him. All Evan can manage to do is give her a small smile and press a little into her back. He wasn’t used to this at all. He doesn’t know if he should take Zoe’s kindness at face value or start preparing himself for the other shoe to drop, wait for her to decide she didn’t like him anymore.

But Evan does find himself relaxing more and more as they continue to talk, enjoying that Zoe wasn’t talking over him or letting him anxiously ramble too much, she was making an effort to make him feel included and part of their conversation. It’s nice and easy and he feels less fluttery and more like his body was tingly and warm. And he really likes it. He really likes Zoe. She’s even better than every time he’d imagined her.

“Hey Evan,” Zoe asks suddenly as they were sitting on his bed, remembering something, “On the first day of school, did you ask me to sign your cast?” 

“Yeah, and then I got nervous because you were already walking away, so I pretended that I hadn’t said anything and I just made things more awkward,” Evan says, picking once again at the very cast in question. 

“I can sign it now if you want? I think you should have at least one signature from someone you’re actually friends with,” Zoe says confidently, already getting up off the bed to rifle through her bag for an assortment of sharpies in different shades of purples and blues. 

“No Zoe, you don’t have to, not if you don’t want to,” Evan tells her, pulling his casted arm in closer to his body protectively, denying that she now thought of them as friends. He did want Zoe to sign it, but he was worried people at school would see it and tease him or something. 

“Of course I want to Evan,” Zoe says, sitting back down extremely close to him, reaching gently for his cast, and pulling it into her lap. Evan just lets her, knowing he could probably hide it if things went south. Zoe flips his arm so that she can draw on his forearm, the exact opposite side of Connor’s name. 

Evan watches her as she writes her name just as big if not bigger than her brother’s, claiming she had less letters, so they needed to be bigger, and then continues to draw differently sized stars and music notes, taking up the entirety of his arm. Evan is taken back by her gesture, and no longer cares what kids at school might say, Zoe was drawing a whole scene, focusing so hard on making them perfect that she starts biting her lip and he loves it. He’d probably keep it when they took his cast off, knowing that Zoe drew it for him. He can feel that same warm feeling spreading from his tummy to all over his body, and he wants to feel like that all the time. 

“So when do you have to go back to school?” Evan asks casually, both for his own curiosity and because he wants to keep their conversation going. 

Zoe audibly grumbles, “Ugh, tomorrow”, while refusing to look up from her continued drawing, and Evan thinks he might’ve made a mistake in asking about school.

“Do you not want to? It might be nice to not be at your house,” Evan asks trying to save their carefree mood they’d established while Zoe was drawing.

“No, I don’t really know. People are going to know about Connor because the school’s making an announcement or whatever and everyone’s going to want to be best friends with the dead kid’s sister. Try and talk to me like they knew Connor and that they’re sorry for my loss and all that bullshit. I just don’t want to deal with all that stuff. But actual school, I’m excited about that,” Zoe says inspecting her artwork, deeming it good and capping all her sharpies, looking up to Evan once more. 

“Um, there’s a pretty good spot in the library that’s kind of hard to find if you’re not looking for it, I eat lunch there a lot. I could show you, if you need a place to hide from anyone,” Evan offers, looking down away from her to admire all the little stars she’d drawn, just in case she said she didn’t want to see the spot. 

“Does that mean you’ll eat lunch with me tomorrow?” Zoe asks playfully, hoping Evan would say yes. Instead Evan gets nervous and says, “No, um, not if you don’t want that, um that’s not what I meant by telling you, um I don’t know Zoe.” 

Zoe just giggles, enjoying Evan being all flustered about the thought of eating lunch with her tomorrow, confirming explicitly that she wanted him there, “It would be nice, and I think you should Evan.” 

“Okay then I will,” Evan says softly, giving Zoe a very shy smile, even though his insides were bouncing all over. Zoe Murphy wanted to have lunch with him tomorrow at school. Someone needed to pinch Evan because he was pretty sure he was dreaming. This couldn’t possibly be reality.

Zoe starts yawning while laughing, causing Evan to laugh too. But he knows Zoe should probably be heading home soon, it was past ten and he didn’t want her to drive while tired. That was worse than driving drunk according to his driver’s ed teacher. And he did not want anything to happen to Zoe. 

Zoe seems to know it was time for her to go home too, slowly standing up off of Evan’s bed, pulling him up at the same time. Evan looks around to make sure Zoe had all of her things, then walks her to the front door, sad that she had to leave. 

“Hey Evan,” Zoe says turning to face him, looking up to meet his eyeline, standing in the doorway, “Thanks for not lying to me and listening to me about everything.” 

“I’m really sorry I tried to, and I swear I’ll never do it again and I’ll listen anytime you need me to,” Evan tells her earnestly, holding onto the slightest hope that Zoe would want to continue to be his friend even after everything with Connor blows over. He really wants that. 

And for Zoe Murphy’s last surprising action of the night, she reaches up a gives Evan the quickest, tiniest kiss to his cheek, and then flees to her car before either of them can totally freak out. Evan barely registers what she’s done, standing there dumbfoundedly in his doorway, until he can no longer see the headlights of her car. 

_Did Zoe Murphy just kiss him?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Evan just does not believe that Zoe could possibly like him back, but let me tell you, she sure does. And eventually Evan will learn that, but it's cute when he's flustered so that will continue for a bit :) Especially after Zoe thought she could kiss him and run away. Just a heads up if anyone is wondering, Jared won't be in on any of Evan's lies, but he will be in the story, just in a different way.
> 
> Next chapter will feature Zoe and Evan at school and some email writing, so stay tuned!


	3. I'll Show You Every Version of Yourself Tonight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zoe goes back to school. Evan and Zoe work on some emails.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Everyone!!! So when I was outlining this chapter I was somehow worried that it would be too short. Nope. I think it's the longest chapter I've ever written, and I kind of like its chaotic energy. There's a lot of ups and downs from both Zoe and Evan, and lots of cute subtle flirting based on mutual, uncertain crushes. 
> 
> Musical-wise this chapter is like a mix of Sincerely, Me and If I Could Tell Her and that was really fun to write. Deciding who would say Jared's parts in Sincerely, Me was also a good time. On that note, warning that Jared doesn't come off well in this story. It is my personal opinion that Jared is a much deeper character than the musical shows, but when he is shown, he's really mean to Evan. And he does help Evan but is continually mean to him and then gets mad later on, which I didn't think was fair. So this Jared is less dynamic and more often portrayed to make Evan upset. 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who is reading this story! I've gotten some really positive responses and that is so exciting! Thank you for reading, bookmarking, subscribing, or kudos-ing! I appreciate it all! Enjoy the chapter!!!

Evan finally manages to get back inside his house and lock the door, making his way to his room, pacing and fretting over Zoe. Had Zoe really just kissed him? Was it possible Evan had just imagined the whole thing? No, he hadn’t because he could still feel the light pressure on his cheek, tingly and warm, and Evan didn’t have that realistic of an imagination. But why would Zoe have done that? What if she was trying to play a trick on him? Getting him to think that they could be friends, only to humiliate him at school. She was probably going to expose him as a liar and freak tomorrow when she went back. Because why wouldn’t she? Evan probably deserved it. 

But Zoe didn’t seem like she was that type of person, someone who would do that to him or to anyone. She was so nice to him when they’d been talking, even when she wasn’t sure about him. But then again, Jared had been like that when they’d been little, and now? Evan knew Jared would do all of those things instantly, thinking it might make him cool or just to be mean, he wasn’t sure when the line started to blur for Jared. So how was Evan supposed to trust Zoe’s intentions when the only baseline he had for friendship was Jared? He never considered all the second guessing having a possible new friend would cause. He hadn’t had it for so long, and he never thought he’d get the chance for it again. He just didn’t know about anything. 

But then again, again, Zoe had called them friends. She said she thought he was interesting. She made plans to go hiking with him. She held his hand a few times. She’d trusted him with her story about Connor. She offered to help with the email hole he’d dug himself into. They were eating lunch together tomorrow. She signed and decorated his cast. She had freaking kissed him before she left. She made him feel warm and fluttery. Those were all good things. Good signs. Right? 

Evan doesn’t normally trust his gut or the voices in his head, neither of them ever led him down a good path, but this time he really wants to trust his gut and ignore the doubts flooding his mind. He felt like Zoe meant the things she said, and she did want to be his friend. And he really, really wants that. He wants to be more than friends with her, but that was probably selfish of him. He’d settle for plain old friends. Real friends. He’d settle for anything she was willing to give.

Evan runs on autopilot getting ready for bed, continuing to overthink the entire situation with Zoe, not even getting a chance to process his whole dinner with Cynthia and Larry. That he somehow was going to have to show them emails, proving his and Connor’s alleged friendship. 

Evan can hear his mom come home, trying to be quiet, thinking Evan was asleep. And for the briefest moment, Evan considers getting up and talking to her. Asking for her advice about Zoe, what he should do about the Connor situation. A chance to be close to his mom, to let her comfort him. 

Then he hears her door close, and he remembers she’s coming off a twelve-hour shift and a three-hour lecture. She needed to sleep. She didn’t need to worry about Evan’s problems. She shouldn’t have to worry about Evan in the first place. And it’s not like she’d even understand why he did it or why he was worried Zoe was maybe lying about wanting to be friends. She didn’t know how much he lied to her, about school, about Jared, about this summer. Heidi Hansen had no idea that her son lied about every aspect of his life and honestly, she probably didn’t care. It was probably best if she didn’t know anything. So Evan turns onto his side, pulls his pillow closer and pretends to sleep, hoping eventually he might. 

==

Evan wakes up to the blaring of his alarm, shaking him from what had actually been a rather pleasant dream. Which is strange, he never had dreams, good or bad, when he fell asleep during one of his spirals. It was a weird dream though. Connor was there and so was Zoe. They weren’t doing anything but smiling, sitting on a picnic blanket together with Evan. It felt peaceful and comforting and Evan has absolutely no idea what it means.

But for some reason it makes him feel better about what to do with Zoe. He feels slightly more confident in deciding to trust Zoe. He was going to trust the things she was doing and saying, things that actually happened in real life versus the things his anxiety convinced him might happen. Zoe said she wanted to be friends, so he was going to try and be her friend. 

Besides, she already knew he was lying to her parents about being friends with their dead son, and that was pretty terrible. And she still talked to him. Honestly, talked to him more once she knew he was lying. Evan was going to let this happen, let himself have this one thing, even if it might be temporary, even if she did eventually decide he was an awful person. 

But he wasn’t going to mention the kiss to her unless she did first. He didn’t want to make anything weird. Or for her to think that he thought about it as much as he did. Or that he expected it or anything like that from her ever. Or that he was pressuring her somehow. Or that he wanted to do it back unless she wanted that? How was he supposed to know something like that? 

No. Evan needed to stop that. He’d been up for less than ten minutes and he was already starting to anxiously spiral again. His anxiety could fuck right off. Just don’t mention the kiss. That’s all he had to do. And he could do that. If he got super worried about it or it came up somehow, all he had to do was be honest with Zoe. He’d promised her he would do that. Yes, he could do this. He could have a friend and not make it weird with his huge crush on her. The plan was to not make it weird and he would try his best. 

Evan quickly goes through his morning routine, hoping to maybe see his mom, even if it was for only a few minutes. He doesn’t know what he’d say to her, but he was in the mood to try something. When he gets into the kitchen all he finds is a note and some money, presumably for takeout. It was barely past seven and his mom had already left. He pretends he isn’t sad, forcing himself to take a couple bites of a Pop-tart, before tossing it in his bag along with a quickly made PB&J for lunch at school. It was probably better his mom wasn’t here, then she’d ask about his cast or if he was writing letters or if he needed more meds or whatever, and it was probably just easier for both of them in the long run. That’s what he tells himself at least. 

Evan at least enjoys his walk to school. He always cuts through the dog park because it was faster, and he liked to see the dogs that were there sometimes. There was one old lady with a cute golden retriever who was there most days and she always waved to Evan, which always made him feel better. And he got to admire Zoe’s signature on his cast in better lighting, appreciating all the little details she put into it. Last night he hadn’t noticed all the different music notes, but he doesn’t know what they mean. Maybe he could ask her? She liked to talk about music and Evan loved to hear about it. 

When Evan gets to school, he stays to the edges of the hallway, out of people’s way, and probably spends an unnatural amount of time staring into his own locker, pretending to be organizing or grabbing new textbooks, taking them in and out of his backpack repeatedly. Evan jumps at the sound of Jared appearing next to him yelling, “Acorn, you’re never going to believe it. Did you hear that Connor Murphy died?” 

“Jared please don’t call me that, and why do you sound excited? It’s horrible, think of how his family must feel right now,” Evan tells him, for once standing up to Jared, but hastily pulling down his hoodie sleeves, covering his cast from Jared. Evan didn’t want Jared seeing or commenting on Connor or Zoe’s signatures. Evan might have lied about knowing Connor, but he was never excited about it. He didn’t see it as an opportunity for something. That was truly terrible. Evan knew that Connor wasn’t the greatest person, especially to Zoe, but that didn’t mean it was okay that he died. Especially in the way that he did. 

“Everyone knew it was coming. Plus, people are going to be like mourning for at least two weeks. I think I’m going to sell Connor Murphy buttons and make bank,” Jared tells him, and Evan can’t help but feel disgusted by what Jared was proposing. Using Connor’s death to make money? All he can think about is Mr. and Mrs. Murphy’s faces last night, and what they’d think if they knew how people really treated Connor at school. Evan may not have friends but at least no one at school actively tried to make his life harder like they did to Connor.

In an instance of bravery, Evan closes his locker and tries to just walk away from Jared. He didn’t need to deal with this too, he had enough on his plate. He didn’t need to think about what Jared would have done if he hadn’t just broken his arm this summer. Would he be selling commemorative buttons for him too? Or not because school wasn’t in session to make money? How could Jared care so little about Connor and the Murphy’s?

“Evan, where are you going? I was telling you about my plan,” Jared says jogging to catch up with Evan as he tries to walk away. 

“Sorry Jared, but I think you should really think about what you’re doing. Are you going to try to sell one to Zoe too? To Connor’s parents? Explain that the last thing you said to him was that he was a freak and a school shooter?” Evan says letting his voice get a little louder, knowing he’d regret it probably very soon when Jared realized Evan was actually upset. 

“Dude it’s not my problem Connor was those things. And of course you’d think of Zoe. It’s not my fault you’re obsessed with her and jack off to her pictures all the time. Why don’t you use this to get close to her? Be her shoulder to cry on? Oh wait, you can’t because you’d never be able to talk to her. She thinks you’re a freak just like her brother,” Jared sneers, pushing Evan a little before walking away from him, like he was in the right and Evan was the one who couldn’t understand. 

Evan’s glad he left though, Jared told him all the time they weren’t friends, he didn’t need him at school. Not if he had Zoe. Which he’s starting to question his confidence from this morning. What if Jared was right? What if Zoe secretly did think Evan was just as bad as Connor? No, he can’t think like that. That was just Jared getting into his head. The same things he thought this morning were still true. Zoe was his friend. Jared was his so claimed _family friend._ And there’s a difference, didn’t Evan know that? 

Selfishly Evan wants to throw his friendship with Zoe in Jared’s face. Prove that he could talk to her and not be weird. But he would never. Zoe meant too much to him than to be something held over Jared when Evan was upset. He wasn’t going to do that to her. 

Evan can’t really focus during any of his morning classes, still upset about what Jared had said this morning, that he hadn’t gotten a chance to worry about the fact that him and Zoe never set a meeting place for lunch until the bell rings. What if Zoe can’t find him and thinks he blew her off? He didn’t have her phone number either, so he couldn’t text her.

But he’d said his hiding spot was in the library, he remembers that, so Zoe was probably heading to the library. That made sense. That’s what a normal person would do. So Evan walks to the library and loiters around the entrance waiting for Zoe, deciding against going inside to check for at least a few minutes. 

Evan keeps fidgeting with his hoodie drawstrings, checking his phone excessively to see the time. _Three minutes_. Zoe probably got held up by something, but she was still coming. _Five minutes._ Zoe was maybe in the library already, deciding that Evan wasn’t coming, and leaving. _Six minutes._ Zoe definitely wasn’t serious about yesterday. He was stupid to believe that she wanted to have lunch with him. _Seven minutes._ Evan wants to leave, curl up in the very spot he was supposed to be taking Zoe, and ignore all his feelings. Why would anyone want to actually be friends with him? But he stays, just in case. Because even if Zoe never showed up, at least he tried, right? 

But then turning the corner and hurrying as fast as she could with all her books and school bag, is Zoe Murphy, looking incredibly happy and relieved to see Evan waiting for her. And Evan throws all that he’d been feeling seconds ago, out the window. Zoe came. He hadn’t made a huge mistake by trusting her, trusting his own feelings. She was here and real and excited to see him. The fluttery feeling that Evan loves so much, is slowly returning, the closer Zoe got, and he never wants it to go away. 

“Thanks for waiting for me Evan. I couldn’t get away from everyone in jazz band trying to talk to me, even though I told them I had somewhere to be. I could really use that hideout right now,” Zoe says smiling at him, shifting her many books around to hold them with one hand, which looks like it’s incredibly uncomfortable to hold. Evan wants to grab them from her, but he thinks that might be weird so, he doesn’t, plus he only has one functioning arm so it might be worse if he tried to take them.

“It’s okay Zoe. And I never even told you where to meet me, so I thought maybe you were looking for me somewhere else or that maybe something better happened. I wasn’t sure if you’d be here or not,” Evan tells her, looking at her feet instead of her face, noticing the way her jean cuffs matched the pattern she’d drawn on his cast. 

“Of course I’d be here, we talked about it yesterday Evan, maybe not exact meeting spots, but I figured library was good enough. Did you really think I wasn’t going to show up?” Zoe asks sadly, setting her free hand on Evan’s arm, making him look up to meet her gaze. 

“Um, no, maybe, I wasn’t sure exactly. Because here’s the thing, I don’t have a lot of experience with being someone’s friend, so I kinda just always think the things people say to me are just to be nice in the moment, not because they actually mean it. That or they’re just trying to play a joke on me. But it’s okay now, so I don’t think that anymore, but sometimes it’s just really hard to know for sure,” Evan says quietly, trying to save himself at the end in an attempt to make Zoe not look so sad for him.

“Evan, I’m not going to do either of those things. I would never try to play a mean joke on you or say something I didn’t mean. I like talking to you. I want to have lunch with you today. And I want to keep hanging out with you,” Zoe tells him earnestly, squeezing him arm comfortingly, hoping that he’d believe her, but knowing she’d tell him as many times as it took for him to do it. 

Evan wants to believe her so badly, wants to take everything she said to heart, and just know that she means it, but it’s so hard for him. He finally manages to give her a small smile, a step towards that belief, growing as she smiled back at him. 

“Okay, um, do you want to go inside?” Evan asks, looking down awkwardly at Zoe’s hand that was still on his arm, unsure if he should take hers, only to lead her though, not for any other reasons. Evan can’t make a decision, so his hand just twitches oddly at his side as he looks to the door and then back to Zoe’s hand, as she watches the whole interaction.

Zoe being just as brazen as she’d been last night, lets her hand trail from Evan’s bicep down to his hand, interlacing their hands together, saying, “Lead the way Evan. This is your spot.” 

Evan blushes as her boldness, but also kind of loves it. Even if she never meant her affections romantically, Evan likes how they both ease him and make his heart beat just a little quicker. Maybe he was just affection starved, but maybe it was all Zoe. Evan pushes the door open with his hip, tugging Zoe along, excited to share his favorite hiding spot with her. He leads her through a maze of shelves and carts, leading to a back corner of the library. Evan was right, Zoe doesn’t think she could get back to it if she wanted, and it is really out of the way. She can’t hear or see any of the students from when they walked in. It’s exactly what Zoe needed. 

Zoe doesn’t drop Evan’s hand as soon as they’re there, so Evan doesn’t either. He likes the way her hand fits in his, the weight a nice reminder that this was real. And if his hand is actually sweaty and gross, Zoe doesn’t say anything and thankfully he doesn’t say that out loud again. Zoe pulls them down to sit against the wall, and then lets Evan’s hand go, reaching into her bag for her lunch. Evan supposes that’s okay, they were there to eat lunch, not hold hands.

Evan genuinely wants to see how Zoe’s day had been so far and in an attempt to start a conversation, he asks her, “So, um, was your morning okay Zoe?”

“Yeah, it was okay, I guess. Just as I thought it would be. Everyone kind of surrounding me, asking me how I’m doing, telling me how brave I am, that they’re praying for me and my family, and all that. It’s exhausting,” Zoe sighs, squishing the fruit snack in her hand, setting it back in the packaging without actually eating it.

Evan feels like she’s not quite done, so he doesn’t say anything yet, just shifts a little closer to her, letting their knees touch again like the night before. He thinks she finds it comforting because she continues, “I don’t know any of these people and they don’t know me, and they didn’t know Connor. Like Alana Beck tried to hug me after second period, and I’ve literally never talked to her before today. I just feel so fake. I feel like I have to act sad and thankful for these people, but I’m neither. I’m thankful for this break though.” 

“I’m sorry you have to deal with all this Zoe. That’s really hard and it sucks,” Evan tells her, meeting her eyes, and pressing his knee against her a little more, adding, “You’re doing your best. It’s kinda incredible that you’ve lasted this long though. I probably would’ve had to go home already.” 

“As if my parents would let me leave early. They told me it was important to be strong today. Be strong for Connor, he would’ve wanted that. As if Connor wanted anything for me,” Zoe says dejectedly, going back to forcibly smashing her fruit snacks between two fingers, watching the little shape distort.

“Um, maybe he would’ve. But you don’t need that, you can be strong for yourself,” Evan tells her quietly, wishing that were it something he could do for himself too. He believed Zoe could do it, him, he wasn’t so sure about.

Zoe smiles shyly at him, pressing her knee back against his, feeling a little better about the whole school situation, telling him, “I’m not going to band today though because I’ve been excused for ‘however long I need’”, adding sarcastic finger quotes at the end. 

“Do you not think that playing could make you feel better?” Evan asks, concerned that if music couldn’t make her feel better, then how would he be able to? 

“Not surrounded by everyone, because it’ll be like it’s been all day but worse, because I know everyone better. Or they’d be way too like soft? Like let’s let Zoe pick the warm-up, Zoe what do you think about this, Zoe do you want to do the arrangement? I’d rather play at home,” Zoe says, rolling her eyes, annoyed by something that hadn’t even happened yet. Evan knew how that felt, well kind of. 

“That’s makes a lot a sense. I think you should definitely try to play at home though. Whenever I get too anxious to think about anything, I always go outside or on a walk and it helps. I think music is like your outside,” Evan says sheepishly, not particularly thrilled he’d brought up his anxiety even though Zoe already knew about it and his therapy for it.

“I could play something for you, if you want to come over after school? We could try to figure out some of that email stuff too,” Zoe asks, looking hopefully up at Evan, clearly wanting him to agree to come over. 

Evan wants so badly to say yes, he would love to watch Zoe play anything on her guitar. Seeing her up close would probably be a million times better than squinting from the back row of the auditorium, double and triple checking the program to make sure he knew what songs and arrangements she was a part of. But he feels guilty about the email thing. He didn’t want her thinking he was using her to get out of his lies or something. 

“Yeah, if you want me to. Not because I don’t want to. I do, but only if you want me to too. Sorry. Yes, is what I’m trying to say,” Evan says, stumbling over his words a little because he was excited to hang out with Zoe more, that she wanted to, but still a little awkward, continuing, “But we don’t have to do any email stuff if you don’t want to. Maybe your parents won’t ask about them?”, knowing realistically there was only a slim chance that Cynthia and Larry wouldn’t want to see the “new side” of Connor they hadn’t known about. 

Zoe smiles at him again, grabs her sandwich from her bag, then her expression turns a little unreadable, when she registers Evan’s words past “Yes, I’ll come over”. She takes a bite and swallows contemplatively, finally telling Evan, “Hate to break it to you Ev, but they were both talking about it this morning. Trying to figure out how to ask you without it feeling like an invasion of ‘your and Connor’s privacy’,” using air quotes again to emphasis privacy. 

Evan can barely focus on his disappointment that yes, the emails would have to get done, because Zoe had just used a nickname of sorts for him, and he really liked it. No one had ever done that before, besides all the mean “nicknames” Jared had given him, like Acorn. He especially hated that one because it was making fun of his fall. The way she said it so naturally kind of makes his heart skip a little beat, and he was positive he was blushing again. 

He really didn’t want to disappoint Cynthia or Larry, so he kind of just accepts that he’d make the emails, furthering his lies, but he doesn’t want to feel that guilt right now. He wants Zoe to know he’s excited to hang out with _her_ , not just because the email thing, so he says excitedly, “Okay, we can try them, but only if you play something first. You and your music are more important and should come first.”

Zoe’s just smiling at him sheepishly, nodding a little, agreeing to those terms. Then Zoe’s eyes light up a little, telling him, “That reminds me, let me see your phone.” 

Evan reluctantly grabs his phone from his pocket, a little embarrassed that it was pretty old, not off-brand like Jared had said, but Zoe doesn’t seem phased, taking it out of his hands as he asks, “What do you need my phone for?” 

“So I can put my number in silly, and then when we hang out we can confirm things like meeting spots and times. Then you won’t have to worry about it ‘cause you can just see the text message or call me. And this way we can talk more,” Zoe says, letting her head fall down, hair slipping past her ears, covering her blush as she typed in her phone number and texted herself so she’d have Evan’s number too. 

Evan doesn’t really know what to say, but he can’t really get his dopey smile off his face. He’s sure his smile gets even more lovesick and his face redder when Zoe hands his phone back and he sees she’s added a little purple heart emoji after her name. Maybe she did like him. Maybe the idea of them being friends or maybe something more wasn’t so crazy after all. Maybe he could let his guard down around her. Maybe he could mean as much to her as she did to him. 

“Okay, so after school you can meet me by my car, does that work for you?” Zoe asks, smiling at Evan’s reaction to her contact, her blush never fading. 

“Yeah, I’ll be there,” Evan says, finally looking up from staring at the heart emoji, taking a wee bit of a risk trying to flirt just a little, adding, “I’m looking forward to it.” 

Zoe just continues to smile sweetly at him, shifting closer to him so that their sides were flush against each other. Evan wants to keep her smiling like that, so he continues their conversation, asking, “Zoe, what’s your favorite song to play?” 

Zoe likes that Evan asks her these things like this, like he really wants to know more about _her_ , like he’d never really be happy until he knew everything about her. It makes her feel warm too, and makes her wonder if Evan feels like that too. 

“I like to play a lot of oldies, but I like some new stuff to. I like singing and playing to Taylor Swift because there’s so much and the lyrics are so good. But um, sometimes I write my own songs too,” Zoe replies, and Evan notices the way her voice gets a little quieter when she talks about her own music, like it was a secret she was only sharing with him. It makes him feel special. 

“That’s really cool. I’m sure they’re amazing,” Evan tells her, glad that they’ve stopped talking about emails and anxiety, about Zoe’s terrible day, and have moved on to things they love. Zoe loved talking about her music and Evan loved anything Zoe said. 

“I don’t know, I’ve never shown anybody before. I’ve always been too scared,” Zoe says quietly, looking up at Evan, and now he knows he’s the only one she’s told about her own songs. 

“Um, if you ever want to, I’d love to hear them, but only if you want to,” Evan tells her shyly, looking away from her and down at his cast, starting to trace the little stars instead of anxiously picking away at the plaster.

“Okay,” Zoe whispers, leaning into him and joining him in tracing the small stars and notes on his cast. Evan still had his doubts about Zoe, he wasn’t sure the incessant voice in his head telling him “she’s faking” would ever truly go away, but that voice was starting to get quieter, no longer screaming at him, the more and more time he spent with Zoe. 

When the bell rings, both of them audibly sigh, disappointed that lunch was over, and they had to face the real world once more. Zoe looks particularly disheartened, so Evan tries to comfort her saying, “There’s only two periods left, you can do it Zoe. Do them one by one and soon it’ll be over, sometimes that’s the only way I can get through things.” 

“Thanks Evan,” Zoe says softly, grabbing his hand and pulling him up off the floor, squeezing his hand just a little before letting it go. Evan’s a little disappointed as he leads out of the maze that they weren’t holding hands, but they were entering the hallway full of students and Zoe didn’t need even more reasons for people to be talking about her. But Evan continues to walk with her at least, because he wanted to and because he wasn’t sure if he was supposed to leave her at the library. Going with her seemed like the better option though and she looked happy that he was there. They stop in front of Zoe’s classroom and Zoe tells him, “I’ll see you after school Ev,” complimented with a cute small wave.

Evan can only wave back to her, nodding his head a little spastically, making Zoe giggle, until he hears the warning bell and hurriedly makes his way to his own classroom. Evan might not have been able to focus this morning, and he definitely can’t now. He was too happy to think of anything other than Zoe Murphy. 

==

Zoe is already at her car, sitting on the hood when Evan gets to the parking lot, and he wonders how she could have possibly gotten there so quickly, he thought he’d been hurrying. 

“I practically ran out of sixth period, dodging anyone who looked my way,” Zoe laughs making Evan realize he’d been speaking his thoughts aloud again. He really needed to get that under control around Zoe, or he might say something really embarrassing. 

“I wanted to be here before you, so you’d know I was here,” Zoe tells him, and she doesn’t say it in a condescending tone or like she was being mean. The way she says it makes Evan think it was a really sweet gesture, she didn’t want him worrying about meeting her or not being able to find her, or anything else he would have definitely thought was happening. It was like the same reason she wanted to be able to text him confirmations. Evan thinks Zoe might actually care about his feelings and his anxiety. Understanding it wasn’t something he could just turn off by being told to “calm down”. 

“Thanks Zoe, that was really nice of you,” Evan tells her quietly, standing right in front of her, offering her his hand to help her hop off the car. 

“Now let’s go before someone tries to talk to me about Connor,” Zoe says opening her car door and stepping inside. Evan follows her lead and quickly walks around the front of the car, getting in, proud of himself for not tripping while moving quickly. 

Zoe once again just hands her phone off to Evan, like she’d done it without thinking, like Evan was a permanent fixture in her car. Evan feels a little more confident picking the music out today, so he picks a playlist labelled “Good Vibes” followed by the same colored heart emoji Zoe had put into his phone. As soon as the first bar starts playing, Zoe starts dancing and Evan can see why the playlist is named Good Vibes, because it has instantly put Zoe in a good mood. 

When the lyrics start, Zoe sings along with them and Evan can’t think of anything better. He feels safe enough in this space to also nod his head and move his shoulders a little with the beat, not fully dancing, but trying. Evan absolutely loves it, especially at red lights when Zoe actually turns to him to sing, encouraging him to dance more openly, not at all making fun of him. He wishes every time he went somewhere it was like this. 

When they pull into the Murphy’s driveway, Zoe turns down the music, explaining, “We’re going to sneak upstairs, because if my mom finds out you’re here, all she’ll want to do is talk to you. And when we’ve completed our mission, I’ll sneak back down for some snacks. You ready?” 

Evan nods with her, enjoying how playful Zoe was being, even though he knew she did not want her mom “stealing” Evan away. And he didn’t want that either. So he follows Zoe through her house, being careful not to make any noise, he even thinks he might’ve been holding his breath while concentrating. 

They make it to Zoe’s room, and she says she’ll be right back, leaving Evan alone in her room. He was in her room for quite a while yesterday, but he didn’t really get to look around, too focused on the things that were happening in the moment. He decides right then and there that he loves Zoe’s room, it was perfectly _her_. There was a music corner where Evan could see her guitar and a keyboard and her little ukulele propped against an old-fashioned record player, with shelves and shelves of vinyl records. He sees she has a couple of plants growing in the windowsill and that makes him smile. And the soft purple of her walls is warm and welcoming in comparison to her all white furniture. And he notices even more sharpies of all colors scattered on her desk, somewhat covering up a bunch of teen magazines. 

Evan wishes he had more time to just look around and absorb all the little details, but soon Zoe is back closing her door again, carrying a bag of mini Oreos and some gummy bears. 

“My mom is on this gluten-free paleo kick or whatever, but my dad always has snacks hidden because he hates that stuff just as much as me,” Zoe giggles, proud of herself for finding her dad’s stash of edible snacks. Evan laughs along with her, taking the handful of gummies she was offering him. 

Zoe sets the snacks on her bed and goes to grab her guitar from its stand, returning to her bed and gesturing for Evan to join her. Evan hesitantly sits on the bed across from her, blushing at the way she was smiling at him. 

“I believe I promised some music, but you can’t laugh even if it’s bad,” Zoe tells him, and Evan’s baffled that she could think anything she did could be bad. 

“I would never,” Evan says softly, making Zoe blush too and look down at her guitar. 

Zoe finally starts strumming the tune and Evan can’t quite place it. He thinks maybe he’s heard the song before, but it’s not until Zoe starts singing,

_Yesterday,  
All my troubles seemed so far away  
Now it looks as though they're here to stay  
Oh, I believe in yesterday_

_Suddenly,  
I'm not half the man I used to be  
There's a shadow hangin' over me  
Oh, yesterday came suddenly_

Evan realizes she’s singing a Beatles song and he remembers his mom playing them when he was little before his dad left. They’d all dance around the kitchen together, happy, and carefree; he must have been four or five at the time. His mom never listened to music in the kitchen anymore, especially not The Beatles. 

_Why she had to go, I don't know, she wouldn't say  
I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday_

_Yesterday,  
Love was such an easy game to play  
Now I need a place to hide away  
Oh, I believe in yesterday  
Why she had to go, I don't know, she wouldn't say  
I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday_

Evan’s really listening to the lyrics and he thinks about how sad the song is and Evan can see why Zoe’s been connecting to it recently. And why she said she’d rather play at home. He’s having trouble balancing simply being in awe of Zoe’s talent and wanting to wrap her up in a hug and tell her everything would be okay, even if he didn’t know that for sure. But Zoe doesn’t look that sad, she was smiling at him.

_Yesterday,  
Love was such an easy game to play  
Now I need a place to hide away  
Oh, I believe in yesterday_

Evan can’t help but clap as Zoe finishes, making her blush even more. He feels incredibly blessed that he’s gotten the chance to watch her sing and play for him. He can’t even describe how talented she is, there were no words for it. 

“Zoe, that was incredible. You’re incredible,” Evan tells her a little breathlessly, and Zoe’s sure if there was a color darker than maroon, it would be her face color at the moment. But it doesn’t stop her from awkwardly tying to flirt back, “Well, next time I’ll play one of my own songs.” 

“Next time?” Evan questions hopefully, looking at her instead of his cast. He wanted nothing more than to have this happen again. He’d have Zoe sing for him everyday if he could.

“Yeah, next time,” Zoe replies, setting her guitar down, and grabbing his arm, pulling him to come sit by her by her headboard, almost exactly like the night before only they were on her bed instead of the ground. 

Evan tries not to jump when he feels Zoe’s hand on his, not at all expecting her to hold his hand even though she’d done it a few times over the last two days. But she doesn’t quite lace her hand completely with his, letting only her pinky grab onto his and she plays it off like she wasn’t doing anything at all. Evan thinks it’s really cute and they stay like that for a while, just talking more about music, the things Zoe loved about it, the songs she hated, the vocal range she would kill for. Evan doesn’t understand all of the terms she was talking about, but Zoe has no qualms answering his questions sweetly, loving that he was engaged with what she was saying, his focus solely on her. 

Evan truly can’t believe how not panicky he feels about their whole situation. How could he feel so at ease when he was with Zoe and then let himself spiral as soon as she was gone? Maybe that would stop the more they hung out and the more confident Evan felt with their relationship. He could kinda see that happening now. He no longer thought that Zoe would ever trick him or use him as a punchline to a joke at school. Get tired of him and see he wasn’t worth it, yeah that was still on the table, but it was seeming less and less like a possibility the more he was able to show her himself, unguarded and true, and the more she continually accepted it. 

Eventually Zoe lets go of Evan’s pinky and gets up to grab her laptop from her school bag, but she comes back and sits very close to him, letting their shoulders and knees touch again, like it was their go-to sitting position. From afar, one might even say it looked like they were cuddling.

“So, I made an email for Connor during fifth period and I looked some things up, it honestly shouldn’t be that hard. All the date functions are just in the settings,” Zoe tells him pulling up the gmail she had already set up. 

“You already did all that?” Evan asks, both impressed and a little guilty that he hadn’t done anything for this. He hadn’t even looked up a single thing about Connor Murphy to contribute to his lie. 

“Yeah, I said I wanted to help. And I do want my parents to feel better. Before this I was sure they’d be getting a divorce, but I think they’re trying for each other and maybe a little for me. I think there was a lot my parents could have done differently to help Connor, but I don’t think they’re fully responsible for what happened. I just want to help my family,” Zoe says looking over to Evan a little desperately. 

“You’re a really good daughter and a really good person Zoe Murphy,” Evan says in awe this time of Zoe’s compassion and love rather than her talent. She cared a lot about her family and Evan thinks she probably cares a lot about Connor too, and maybe this email thing was for more than just her parents. Zoe looks very contemplative for a moment, taking in Evan’s compliment and gives him a small smile. 

“What if we do like maybe two back and forth?” Evan asks her, hoping it would be enough, at least for now.

“Yeah, I think that should be good,” Zoe replies pulling up a word document and starting to type,

_Dear Evan Hansen,  
We’ve been way to out of touch._

“They shouldn’t think you were like too close, you know?” Zoe says looking for Evan’s approval, which he gives, telling her, “Yeah, that’s good. We were like good friends, who maybe kind of fell out of touch recently. That’s good.” 

Zoe keeps typing, going with vibe that Evan and Connor maybe didn’t talk that much, especially since she knew that Connor wasn’t doing that well last spring, based on all the times he’d yell at her, 

_Things have been crazy, and it sucks that we don’t talk that much._

“Okay, yeah. I think this is good so far, keep going Zoe,” Evan tells her, leaning in over her shoulder a little more without thinking and without noticing Zoe’s faint blush had returned. 

_I gotta tell you life without you has been hard._

“Um, maybe not hard, has been bad?” Evan offers, just not liking the way hard was sounding in the flow, but Zoe crinkles her nose a little, looking at him, questioning the use of “bad” too. 

“Okay, so not ‘bad’ either. What about rough?” Evan suggests, kind of enjoying the little back and forth he and Zoe had going on. It was like a group project that he actually enjoyed doing. 

“Rough? We don’t want it to sound kinky Ev,” Zoe teases a little, giggling at him, enjoying the blush forming on Evan’s face now. 

“Okay, okay. Back to hard then. Life without you has been hard, that’s okay,” Evan replies, laughing along with Zoe too, probably the first time he’d ever laughed at himself without becoming unbearably embarrassed. Zoe had that effect on him. Zoe keeps typing along adding, 

_I miss talking about life and other stuff._

“I don’t want to put like anything too specific in there. Knowing my mom, she’s going to reread these constantly,” Zoe says, settling into Evan’s side a little more.

“Well then maybe something nice about your parents next? Something like ‘I like my parents’”, Evan says, thinking that maybe Cynthia would want to read something about Connor loving his her and Larry. 

“I like the sentiment, but I’m not really sure that was true or if I’ve ever heard anyone say something like that before,” Zoe tells him, running her hands through her hair, trying mull over something similar to what Evan had suggested, until she writes,

_I love my parents, but each day’s another fight._

“This is closer to the truth I think,” Zoe says a little sadly, looking down at her hands, away from Evan and her computer screen. 

“Do you think he was starting fights with your parents and you because of the drugs?” Evan asks quietly, tucking a piece of her hair behind her ear gently, not even realizing he was doing it.

“Yeah I think it was part of the problem for sure,” Zoe says, looking over to Evan’s hand that had somehow landed on her shoulder, liking the ease at which Evan was starting to interact with her.

“Maybe he was considering stopping them? Possibly? Maybe he would have said something like, ‘If I stop smoking drugs then everything might be alright’, what do you think about that?” Evan asks, finally realizing his hand was on her shoulder, so he moves it quickly, hoping that Zoe didn’t think he was weird. 

“Um, Evan do you know how drugs work?” Zoe asks playfully, looking considerably less sad than she was before. 

“No, not really,” Evan laughs, having no problem admitting he didn’t know a thing about how to do drugs recreationally. He only took what Dr. Sherman prescribed and even then, he didn’t really like it.

Zoe laughs and just continues to write, 

_If I stop smoking crack, then everything might be alright_

“Crack Zoe! Do you really think he could’ve been smoking crack?” Evan says slightly aghast, really only knowing the things his DARE teacher said about crack in like the second grade. He really didn’t think Connor was doing crack. 

“I don’t know he could’ve, but I wasn’t going to keep it Evan,” Zoe says playfully, already deleting the words from the draft, filling them in with, 

_If I stop smoking pot then everything might be alright._

“I do know for a fact that Connor was always smoking weed, so that’s the most believable,” Zoe adds, setting her laptop down for a second to shift around a little bit, keeping her closeness to Evan. Evan gently takes her laptop into his own lap, adding to the email, 

_I think I’ll take your advice, I’ll be more nice, to Zoe, to my mom, to everyone. I’ll turn it around, just wait and see. I’ll try, I swear. I can reinvent myself, be the person they need me to be._

“Connor wouldn’t have said any of that Evan,” Zoe says not sharply, but adamantly in a way that makes Evan heart break a little more for her. That she thought there was no way Connor could have changed or possibly wanted to.

“Are you sure Zoe? He could’ve wanted that and just didn’t know how to do it without asking for help. Or that it wouldn’t matter if he did it or not. Maybe Connor didn’t think anything mattered anymore,” Evan says softly, honestly not sure if he was talking about Connor or himself. 

“Do you really think that Evan?” Zoe asks, setting her hand on his arm, looking up at him, like she wanted to believe him so badly, like she wanted to believe that Connor maybe did want to change, but didn’t know how. 

“Yeah, I do,” Evan tells her, placing his good hand over hers, squeezing just a little, watching as she nodded along with him, turning her eyes back to the screen, not moving her hand away from him. 

“Let’s just end this one now,” Zoe tells him, pulling herself impossibly closer to him, “Write something like ‘we should hang out some time soon’ and then sign off. I think it’s good enough for a first one.” 

“Okay, so the next one’s from me,” Evan says, blushing slightly at Zoe’s position on his arm, even though she wasn’t that much closer than before, but somehow it felt more intimate. Evan starts typing on the document, 

_Dear Connor Murphy,  
Yes, I also miss our talks. Stop doing drugs, just take deep breaths and go on walks, that sometimes works for me. _

Zoe’s nodding along with no objections so far. Evan thinks it’s a little easier to for him because he doesn’t have to guess what someone else was like. Well, more like he felt a little more comfortable being himself around Zoe and it felt like he was writing more to her, which made things slightly better for him. He continues to type, 

_I’m sending pictures of the most amazing tress. You might think my forest expertise…isn’t lame like everyone else. Dude I’m proud of you, just keep pushing through. You’re doing better, I can see! Sincerely, Me_

“Do you think this one is okay?” Evan asks Zoe, hoping she wouldn’t hate everything he just wrote. 

“Yeah, I think it’s good. Also Evan, it’s not lame that you know a lot about trees and stuff. You like it, which makes it cool, even if other people say different. No one in jazz band thinks it’s cool that I like to play older music, but I still like it,” Zoe tells him, hoping to boost his confidence even if it was only temporary. She liked that he liked trees and nature and hiking, it was refreshing, and she wanted him to trust that. To trust her.

Evan smiles at her gratefully, then asks, “How could they think that about you? You’re amazing at them and they are really cool.” 

Evan feels slightly embolden by the smile Zoe was giving him, coupled with the fact she was still cuddled up against him, so he adds to his email, 

_P.S. You should be nicer to Zoe. She’s pretty cool, especially now that she dyed her hair_

Asking her at the same time, “This is supposed to be from last spring, right?” 

Zoe’s nodding her head, looking up at him again, this time in a little disbelief that Evan remembered when she had put indigo dye in her hair, asking him softly, “You liked the streaks in my hair? My parents hated it and I didn’t think anyone at school noticed.”

“Um, I noticed it, and not in a creepy way, I swear. I just saw you and thought, oh those look really pretty, they match the color of the little stars on her jeans,” Evan says realizing that remembering those little details could make him come off as obsessed with her or something, and he didn’t want Zoe thinking that, any more than she probably did already. 

But Zoe doesn’t look creeped out, she looks happy that he mentioned it, like no one else ever had. And Evan settles down a bit at that. Maybe Zoe liked the attention he paid to her, the small things he noticed. 

After a beat of silence, Zoe looks up at him again, asking timidly, “Evan, do you think Connor maybe noticed them too?” 

Evan absolutely can’t lie to her, especially about something like this, so he says, “He might have Zoe. And if he didn’t it was his loss, because I promise they were cool, and you looked really pretty.” 

Zoe’s blushing at the compliments, accepting that she’d probably never know what her brother thought about things like hair streaks, but enjoying Evan’s take on them. 

“Okay, start the next one,” Zoe instructs, making no move to take her laptop back, so Evan keeps writing, 

_Dear Evan Hansen,  
I can try, but I don’t know. It feels like I’m a million worlds away from my family, and I don’t think I could even start. Everything feels like so much constantly. I don’t know if I should even be telling you, what if it’s better kept all inside my head?_

“This is how I feel a lot of the time, especially about my mom. That she’s so far away that it’s not even worth trying anymore. Maybe Connor felt like that too,” Evan says a little self-consciously, not knowing how Zoe would react to something that deep, something he barely even admits to himself. 

“I think you’re right Evan. But um, if you ever feel like keeping something inside your head, um, you could tell me. I’m not a million worlds away, I’m right here,” Zoe tells him, and Evan almost wants to burst into tears on the spot. No one had ever offered anything like that to him before. Any small traces of doubt he still carried about Zoe, about her thinking he might be weird or that she secretly didn’t want to talk to him were fading away. There was no possible way Zoe could be faking all this, and Evan loves that it means he didn’t have to fake anything with her either. 

Zoe’s eyes light up a little, like she had a good idea, and she reaches for the laptop from Evan, typing, 

_I liked your pictures. You’re good at photography, you should keep taking them and sending them to me. Maybe then I’ll go outside more instead of smoking up my room._

Zoe sees the look on Evan’s face, not used to such a direct compliment, and tells him, “I was looking at those pictures in your room last night and I just had a feeling you took them. They were really good Evan.” 

“Thanks Zoe,” Evan says blushing some more but feeling less like he was going to cry, then remembers what Zoe wrote, “Did Connor really do that to his room?” 

Zoe’s glad the slight smile has returned to Evan and that she had something to do with it, telling him lightly, “Yeah, all the time. I’m surprised my room doesn’t smell like weed too. Hey Ev…” 

Zoe’s interrupted by her mom once again just barging into her room unexpectedly, this time without knocking, and it’s clear that Cynthia is surprised to see Evan. Zoe hastily closes her laptop and looks up at her mom, clearly annoyed and blushing at how close her and Evan actually were. Evan’s in the same boat, clearly shocked and embarrassed even though they hadn’t been doing anything. 

“Oh Evan, what a lovely surprise. I was just going to ask Zoe about dinner, would you like to stay over?” Cynthia asks kindly, and Evan knows she wants him to say yes, but he hesitates. He didn’t want to put the Murphy’s out again, he had dinner with them last night too. Is more than once too many times to have dinner with someone else’s family? Or would it be more impolite to decline her offer? But then he remembers the note his mom left and the crumpled money underneath it. His alternative was to sit in his room alone and not eat (because there was no way he was ever going to order delivery). But if he said yes, he’d get to spend more time with Zoe, and it’d definitely make Cynthia happy. It’s not like his mom would know either way. But just to double check, Evan glances over to Zoe, trying to gauge what she thought, and she also looks like she wants him to say yes. So, he was apparently having dinner with the Murphy’s again. 

“Um, sure, Mrs. Mur-um Cynthia. Thank you for the invitation,” Evan says looking down at his cast instead of up at her, passively tracing a small star over and over again. 

“Well you kids keep working on homework. I’ll come get you when dinner’s ready,” Cynthia says as she leaves, smiling widely at both of them, closing the door gently. Evan is surprised Cynthia didn’t want to keep talking to him, but he was going to take the opportunity to keep hanging out with Zoe. 

“I hope it’s okay I said yes to your mom, my mom’s not going to be home again tonight,” Evan tells Zoe, knowing that it had looked like she wanted him to say yes, but he just wanted to make sure. 

“Of course it’s okay Ev. As long as you want to. If you feel like my mom’s bullying you, tell me, and I’ll tell her to calm down. But I think my parents are going to like having you here,” Zoe tells him, scooting back to the close position curled up next to him. 

“I like being here, your parents are nice, and I like being with you, um being around you I mean,” Evan says shyly, meeting Zoe’s gaze, not exactly feeling confident, but not feeling anxious either, just feeling the same fluttery feeling he always seemed to get around Zoe.

“I like when you’re here too,” Zoe says just as shyly, but not looking away from Evan, taking a chance and glancing down to his mouth, thinking that she wouldn’t mind if Evan leaned in to kiss her right now. But he doesn’t. And she doesn’t lean in either. And that’s okay. 

She doesn’t want to freak Evan out even more than when she kissed his cheek yesterday, so she’d wait until he was maybe comfortable making that move or until she was 100% confident that he’d be okay if she kissed him. Today wasn’t that day. But she thinks it’s a lot closer than it was yesterday. 

“Should we finish Connor’s email?” Evan asks, slightly unaware of the inner battle Zoe was having of deciding whether or not to kiss him. But he does like that she said she liked him being there. One more piece of evidence that could calm his anxiety when she wasn’t around. 

“If this is last spring, then I know, my parents will definitely think it’s real,” Zoe says, smiling at Evan and grabbing her laptop once more, writing, 

_My parents forced me to go to Zoe’s concert and she sucked. I don’t know why she tries so hard, she should just stop._

Without saying anything, Evan grabs the computer from her lap, and erases what she wrote. 

“What? He said that to me in real life,” Zoe says, remembering it very clearly, but also kind of expecting Evan to write something nice in its place. 

Evan replaces Zoe’s text with, 

_I went to Zoe’s concert because my parents made me, but I was surprised about how good she was. She has this half smile, like she’s letting you in on a secret and I don’t think she knows she’s doing it, but it’s kind of subtle, but perfect and real. Somehow it made her solo even better than it already was. I want to tell her, but I don’t think she’ll believe me after the awful things I said to her before. Once I told her she sucked and should stop, but that’s not true. Do you think it’s worth trying? Sincerely, Me_

Evan keeps writing, already starting his reply from himself, ignoring that his letter from Connor’s point of view sounded vaguely romantic, but knowing Zoe needed to hear these things, and it was easier to write it than to say it. And Evan has a feeling deep down, that there was no way Connor hated Zoe’s music or thought she sucked. No way. 

_Dear Connor Murphy,  
It’s always worth trying because you’ll never know unless you try somehow. I bet Zoe would appreciate it. She seems like a really amazing person and sister. Maybe you could start closing that divide, little by little. It’s easy to do if you give your attention. All you have to do is just believe. Believe that you can change your guy’s relationship. Believe you can be who you want to be. And I think you want to be a better brother and I think Zoe wants that too. Just tell her. Your best and most dearest friend, Me_

Evan turns to Zoe and sees that she’s started to cry, large hot tears that were slowly falling down her cheeks, and he panics, thinking he’s made a huge mistake writing all that down. He starts apologizing to her, “I’m so sorry Zoe, I didn’t mean to make you cry. I can erase all of it.” 

“No Evan, don’t. I know you didn’t know Connor, but do you think any of this might be slightly true?” Zoe asks, hiccupping a little through her tears, causing Evan to move the laptop and hold her hand, hoping to ease some of her hurt. 

“Yeah I do, Zo,” Evan says, not realizing he’d shortened her name the same way she’d done to his as he continued, “The things about the concert? Absolutely the truth. And Connor would have had to been so clueless if he never knew what an incredible sister he had. And, um, and I think me and Connor were similar in a lot of ways. Except I when I can’t deal, I get inside my head and retreat from everything, talking myself into anxious spirals. But I think, from what I saw and the things you’ve told me that Connor maybe lashed out instead, probably didn’t even realize he was doing it until it was too late. When the damage was already done. I didn’t tell you this yesterday, not on purpose, I swear I just thought of it. But um, when Connor got freaked out about my letter, it was because he saw your name and he got super protective of you. So I do think deep down he cared and I’m sorry you never got to see that.” 

“Why couldn’t he just tell me then? Why’d he try to hurt me instead?” Zoe cried, breaking down and breaking Evan’s heart, hating that he couldn’t answer her question, wishing that he could. He would do anything to make her feel better, but all he can think to do is to wrap her up in a hug, laying her head against his chest and hope his cast wasn’t physically making it worse. 

“I don’t know Zo,” Evan whispers to her, continuing to hold her, rocking a little bit, hoping he was bringing her comfort, saying again, “I just don’t know.” 

And he knows he’s telling her the absolute truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Zoe is sad about Connor and is finally starting to deal with that. Evan is sad about a lot of things, but Zoe is starting to not be one of them :) Next chapter they'll be some Heidi/Evan and the classic Taco Tuesday/scholarship essay scenes as well as Jared Kleinman starting some rumors at school....and possibly some beginning inklings of the Connor Project. Stay Tuned!


	4. A Friend To All Is A Friend To None

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heidi talks to Evan about college, Jared is mean, and Evan and Zoe have lunch together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone!!!!! 
> 
> I really like this chapter and I hope you do too! Today's my birthday, and I thought that meant that I'd be able to stay home from work and post a chapter to both my stories today, but I had to go to work this morning :/ meaning I didn't finish the chapter for Good Things Are Finally Coming My Way, so I'm sorry about no Two-Update Tuesday today. But I will be posting it as soon as it's done hopefully in a day or two!! And it's only because it's kinda long and filled with Connor/Wyatt fluff! 
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone who is reading this story! It means so much to me! And thank you to everyone who has been commenting, I absolutely love hearing everyone's thoughts! And of course anyone who is reading, kudos-ing, subscribing, or bookmarking! Thank you so much!!! Happy Reading!

Evan’s not sure how much time has passed as he holds Zoe, letting her cry. He doesn’t exactly know how she was feeling, but he can understand getting overwhelmed by feeling too much all at once. He understands that better than probably anyone. So he keeps brushing her hair back gently, determined to be there for as long as she needed him. 

Eventually Zoe pulls away from him slightly, lifting her head off his chest, still sniffling a little and Evan doesn’t know why she looks embarrassed, she didn’t have anything to be embarrassed about. 

“I’m sorry about all that. I don’t know why I’m crying for a Connor that probably wasn’t real, now I’m all snotty and gross,” Zoe says looking away from Evan, but not moving away from his hold on her. 

“You’re not gross Zoe, not at all. And it’s okay to be sad about a Connor you didn’t know and to be angry about the one you did know,” Evan tells her, moving his arm to gently rest on her low back, hoping that she wouldn’t be freaked out about it. Zoe doesn’t move or tell him otherwise, so Evan figures his hand is okay, and that he can keep saying, “Remember yesterday when you told me that I’m allowed to have feelings?” 

Zoe nods her head, resting it against Evan once more, reaching out to his cast, tracing the little shapes she had drawn. 

“Well so are you, no matter what they are and when they come. You can totally be mad one minute then sad the next and happy ten seconds later. There’s no right way to grieve or feel,” Evan tells her, not really sure where this advice, if it could even be called that, was coming from. Maybe he actually did learn something from therapy. But he always made himself feel guilty about getting upset. Maybe that was why. He never wanted Zoe to feel guilty about being upset, especially when she was upset about Connor. 

“Thanks Evan,” Zoe says quietly, sitting up, but once again staying very close to Evan, not moving her hand from his cast or from around his neck. 

Evan moves his hand from around her back, letting the sleeve of his hoodie drape over his hand as he moved it, using his thumb to wipe away the stray tears from Zoe’s face, giving her the smallest of smiles, before returning his hand to her back, pulling her closer. They don’t say anything after that, but they don’t really need to. And neither one of them lets go of their hold on the other. 

Evan liked that Zoe trusted him to be vulnerable with, to express exactly how she was feeling about Connor with because no one had ever trusted him with anything before. And he was going to do his best to not mess this up. He probably would, but at least he hadn’t yet.

“Zoe, Evan, dinner is ready!” They hear Cynthia yell to them, finally moving from their cuddled-up position with each other, blushing as they realize just how close they’d been. Zoe leads the way from her room down to the dining room, Evan following behind, starting to feel more comfortable moving around the Murphy’s house. 

Evan once again has to sit in the seat that was so obviously Connor’s but he tries not to dwell on that, letting himself somewhat enjoy being around the Murphy family. It’s nice when he isn’t stressed about being caught in a lie or being grilled by a very angry Zoe. Cynthia brings up Connor a few times, but Evan manages to keep his responses vague and happy, letting Zoe help him out when she could. 

And Cynthia and Larry seem so happy, so much more so than any other time Evan has seen them. And he thinks it might be because of him, that they liked having him over, that they liked hearing the watered-down version of their son Evan was serving them. Maybe Evan was really doing what he set out to do all along, help two grieving parents through the loss of their son. 

Zoe shoots him a couple of smiles too, that make his insides feel gooey and like maybe, just maybe, his so called “ridiculous” crush on her might not be so ridiculous after all. 

And even without those, Evan feels welcomed and seen by these people and it makes him feel like he’s part of something. Like he’s part of a family. The type of family he’d always yearned for since his dad left, and his mom started working so much to make up for it. A family whose parents were home and asks about their kids, where dinner existed because Evan didn’t have to attempt and fail at ordering delivery, where he was lying, but not in the same way that he lied to his own mom. He can’t help but like it. Did that make him a horrible person? Evan’s not entirely sure. 

Zoe once again offers to drive Evan home, putting another smile on Cynthia’s face as she asks Evan, “Evan dear, Larry and I understand if you don’t feel comfortable sharing, but do you think we could see some of your and Connor’s emails? We just want to see the Connor that you saw. It would mean the world to us.” 

“Um, yeah. I can, um, do that. I can print some out,” Evan tells her looking at the ground, knowing there was really no turning back once he did this, once he gave them some tangible to cling to. But Zoe thought it would help her parents, and Evan thinks so too. It even seemed to help Zoe as they were writing them. Evan was doing a good thing; he was sure of it. 

“That’s wonderful, thank you. Feel free to come over whenever you like, you’re always welcome here,” Cynthia says once again pulling Evan into a semi-awkward hug. It’s less awkward than the night before, probably because Evan relaxes a little and lets himself enjoy being hugged by a mom who cared. It was probably just as comforting to him and it was to Cynthia. 

The drive to his house with Zoe is just like every other time they’ve driven together, filled with music and dancing and fun. He thinks the drive is cheering Zoe up from crying earlier, he knows it’s doing that for him. 

Zoe can’t exactly come in and stay like she did yesterday, which Evan is sad about, but he gets it. She did have things to do like homework and they didn’t need to spend every minute together, no matter how much Evan wanted to. But before he gets out of her car, Zoe leans across the console and pulls him into a tight hug, wrapping her arms around his torso. Evan sets his arms around her too, squeezing just a little. He doesn’t let go until she does, appreciating the feel of her being in his arms again, and for some reason it feels different. But a good different. Like they were headed somewhere special. He didn’t know where, but it was a good feeling. 

Evan waves to her from his front door until he can’t see her headlights anymore, forcing himself to go into his own empty house. He already missed being at the Murphy’s. His house was too quiet, a reminder that if Zoe left, he’d be all alone and he hates it. He knows he was worried about accepting a second dinner invitation tonight, but he thinks he’ll say yes anytime he’s invited from now on. When he was at the Murphy’s he wasn’t alone, and he was sick of being alone all the time. 

Evan does some of his own homework, until he can’t focus anymore, and he gets ready for bed. In bed he starts scrolling through his social media accounts, something he didn’t do very often because, well he didn’t follow many people, and even less people followed him, making his feed a bleak reminder that he didn’t have any friends. But he does open Zoe’s profile and hits “follow”, something he’d never felt brave enough to do, hoping that she’d follow him back tonight. Her Instagram was public, so he’d always checked it for any new posts, keeping up with her from afar, but he doesn’t have to do that anymore. They were friends now. 

He sees some posts from Alana (he was pretty sure she followed their entire class, he wasn’t special, but he’d followed her back anyways), she was posting pictures of Connor from what Evan thought looked like their yearbook from sophomore year with captions like, 

_Still can’t believe the terrible news about @ConnorMurphy_

_Three days ago, Connor was here and now…he’s just gone_

_If Connor meant something to you, please repost. Or private message me if you just want to talk. At times like these, we could all use a friend._

Evan thinks the sentiment is nice, maybe Alana was trying to help people too, but he thought it was kind of a lot, giving it a sort of fake-ness. But Evan can’t really judge her, he literally had a completely fake friendship with Connor, made up because of a misunderstanding about a letter. If Alana was maybe faking a little, maybe that was okay. Evan likes the second post anyways and locks his phone setting it aside for the night. 

Evan lays in bed thinking about anything he could remember about Connor Murphy. They’d been in the same grade together since probably kindergarten, not always the same class, but still. He remembers Connor reading a lot, sitting alone on the playground, head in a book. At the time Evan was trying desperately to be liked by anyone in his class, being nine was hard when you weren’t aware of your own social anxiety. He never tried talking to Connor, let him fade into the background, which Evan’s sure is how he would be depicted in many people’s memories as well. 

By high school, Evan just started hearing Connor’s name being tossed around through rumors. That he’d gotten kicked out of school and sent to military school, that he was gay and trying to hide it, that he tried to sell drugs to the football team to get them kicked off (that one Evan knew was fake, similar to him, Evan was positive Connor didn’t give a shit about football). He can’t remember anything nice though, except him offering to sign his cast. That’s the only thing Evan can think of. Maybe he could go through some of his own yearbooks with Zoe, and they could try to remember some more positive things. Maybe that could help Zoe too. 

Evan eventually falls into a dreamless, easy sleep, something he didn’t have often, and lets his ever-buzzing mind rest, if only for a couple hours. 

==

Evan wakes up feeling calm, which actually makes him start to feel anxious, because he never woke up calm. What was going on? Was this how normal people felt waking up, people who regularly talked to other people? That’s the only thing Evan can think of, that his calmness was brought upon by Zoe. That he had someone he could talk to, that he no longer had to keep everything bottled up inside. And it’s a nice feeling. Having a friend. 

Evan wonders what Zoe is up to right now and wonders if she had plans with her other friends for lunch. Maybe he could text her? He thinks that might be okay. He had her phone number now, so he definitely could, but he won’t, not yet. He doesn’t want to bombard her with text messages first thing in the morning, he would wait for a more reasonable time. But the thought of texting her and knowing that she (probably) wouldn’t be weirded out by it makes him feel happy and excited. And that’s something he’s for sure never felt before going to school. But he really likes it and he wants to wake up like this every day. 

Evan goes through his morning routine with a little extra pep, putting in slightly more effort to do his hair, he even smiles at himself in the mirror, not remembering a single time he’d done that in like the last two years. He usually hated seeing himself in the mirror, it made him over think and question every little thing about himself, but not today, today he felt good.

Evan walks out into the kitchen ready to hastily make a PB&J and think about maybe eating a Pop-tart, like he did every morning, so he was not expecting to see his mom sitting at their table, leafing through a stack of paper. Probably more bills. He’s decidedly less excited to see his mom, his entire posture slumping as she says, “Hey you! I have very exciting news. Look what I found yesterday!” 

Heidi is pushing the stack of papers into his good hand, looking just as excited as Evan had been 30 seconds ago. 

“They’re college scholarship essay contests. NPR did a whole thing about them. Have you heard of these? There are hundreds of them. Hundreds of different topics you can chose from,” Heidi questions, either not noticing or not caring the way Evan was retreating into himself, completely overwhelmed by what was happening. 

“I think maybe,” Evan tells her quietly, only starting to process that his mom was actually here, and he was seeing her for the first time since Monday. He wasn’t exactly prepared for an onslaught of information about essay contests. Couldn’t she just maybe ask how he was doing? See how his first week back at school was? He’s pretty sure he’d lie to her, but at least it’d make her look like she was trying. But he guesses if she only sees him a few times a week, she has to prioritize her interactions with him. It’s stupid, he should just be grateful that she was home. He selfishly wonders what Cynthia was doing right now for Zoe, probably not forcing contest applications into her hands. 

Evan had completely zoned out while he’d been wallowing in his own misery and it seems like Heidi was listing some of them off, saying, “John F. Kennedy Memorial Scholarship, $5,000. The Henry David Thoreau Society, $3,000. All to the college of your choice and you just have to write an essay.” 

“Wow,” Evan says, his tone not at all matching his word usage. He wasn’t excited about this at all. He starts to play with the fraying edge of his cast and starts to shift back and forth on his feet, his go to nervous habits, knowing that the small window of him feeling happy and excited about the day was now gone. 

“College is going to be so good for you honey. How many times in life do you just get to start over?” Heidi asks him, and Evan doesn’t know if she wants a response or not, so he mumbles, “Yeah, I guess.” 

“You have so many wonderful things ahead of you, high school isn’t everything. All those popular kids who like high school all end up miserable anyways,” Heidi tells him, he thinks maybe to make him feel better, but it doesn’t. All it does is remind him that he’s not popular and he’s already miserable. 

And he doesn’t have the heart to tell her he can’t even fathom the idea of going to college. Before this morning, he could barely fathom the idea of getting out of bed every day to go to school. The vast unknown of the future was way too much for Evan to handle right now, let alone put in the effort to plan for. Right now, he was functioning on a day-to-day basis, honestly more like hour-to-hour most of the time. He really hadn’t been lying to Zoe about the one by one thing yesterday. It was sometimes the only coping mechanism he had. He couldn’t possibly do the things his mom was asking of him. 

But she was looking at him so hopefully, like she’d found something that he’d love, something that he could be excited for, so he looks down at the stack, flicking through them, like he was interested. 

“College is going to be so good for you. You’re really going to find yourself, and I just thought they were kind of neat idea,” Heidi says, getting up from her chair to look over Evan’s shoulder, like they were looking through them together, even though Evan knows they’re not. 

“It is for sure,” Evan tells her meekly, unable to even moderately sound excited about this, but his mom smiles even wider, taking his apathetic tone as enthusiasm. Another lie easily bought by Heidi Hansen from her son, one more in the bucket that was already so close to spilling over. 

“You’ve always been such a good writer and we’ll need all the help we can get to pay for college,” Heidi tells him leaving his side to start packing her work and school bags, once again not noticing the look on Evan’s face as it briefly flashed annoyance. 

Evan can’t help it, but he feels resentful. When was the last time Heidi read anything that Evan wrote? His freshman year English analysis paper on _Sula_? How would she know if he was a good writer or if he even still liked it? He did, but that wasn’t the point. 

And besides, Evan isn’t even sure he wants to go to college. A small part of him did, but the larger part keeps telling him that college will be even worse than high school. Just a bigger school to feel even more isolated than he already did. And his mom never talked to him about any other options, only that he was going to college and that was that. 

Evan doesn’t respond to her, and he knows he wouldn’t even be able to stomach a Pop-tart at this point, he felt like throwing up already. He wants to leave and just go to school, unable to deal with this conversation any longer. He starts to make his way towards the door, but Heidi stops him saying, “Hey bud, there’s something else I wanted to talk to you about. Your school sent an email yesterday about a boy who killed himself, Connor Murphy. I had no idea.” 

“Oh yeah,” is all Evan can manage in response, knowing that “you have no idea about a lot of things” was probably not an acceptable thing to say to his mom. 

He was caught between being annoyed again, and completely panicked, not sure where Heidi was going to go with bringing up Connor. Was she going to ask more about Connor? About Evan lying? How would she even know about that? Or worse. Was she starting to connect the dots about what really happened this summer? Evan would absolutely not be able to handle talking about his fall with his mom right now, so he briefly glances up at her, and he sees just a regular amount of worried over a classmate of Evan’s who died. There’s no way she knew about this summer. She barely paid attention to him, she definitely still thought it was an accident. 

“I didn’t know him,” Evan tells her, looking back down at his feet, when he realizes she wants him to talk more about it. 

“Well, if you ever feel like that you know you always talk to me, right? I know it must feel like I’m always working or at school, but…” Heidi starts but is cut off by Evan telling her, “It’s fine Mom.” 

He couldn’t take this conversation any longer. Evan didn’t _feel_ like she was always gone, she _was_ always gone. He felt like he was going to cry or get too panicky to get himself to school on time. Maybe he could just skip again. Why did his mom have to want to talk to him about this specifically? She didn’t care about anything else in his life, so why this? 

“Well, I’m here,” Heidi says, and if Evan wasn’t focusing so hard on not letting his eyes fill with tears, he was sure he’d be rolling them. Did his mom actually believe that she was there for him? 

“And if I’m not here-here, I’m always a phone call or a text away, even an email,” she says, trying to sound comforting, possibly just now realizing how uncomfortable and anxious Evan was. 

A phone call away? Yeah right. Like when he was lying on the forest ground with no one else to call but her and she didn’t answer. Like when the ER staff asked for his guardian information to call her and she still didn’t answer? When she hadn’t even known he’d been in the hospital until he was out of surgery? Like when she made him an extra therapy appointment, promising to drive him, only to cancel right before? Like when he felt too guilty to even talk to her two nights ago because he knew that sleeping was more important than his insignificant troubles. Like how she clearly still didn’t know he skipped three classes on Wednesday. Clearly didn’t answer her phone then either. How could she be promising him these things when she obviously didn’t mean them? 

“Thanks,” Evan tells her not meaning for it to come out as sharply as it did, but she probably didn’t notice. She didn’t notice a single thing about him. And he turns to go further towards the door, forgetting that he hadn’t pulled his hoodie sleeve down over his cast. And apparently Heidi notices six very large letters sprawled across his cast because she asks him, clearly annoyed, “Why does it say ‘Connor’ on your cast? You said you didn’t know him.”

Shit. Evan presses his cast into his side as a reflex, making sure his mom couldn’t see Zoe’s signature on the other side. He doesn’t want her questioning that too. If they started talking about Zoe, he might actually lose it and be unable to go to school completely. 

“No, no, no. Um, I don’t, didn’t know him. This is a, um this is a different Connor. This isn’t Connor Murphy,” Evan stammers, knowing that there’s no way that sounded believable and his mom was going to call him on lying again. 

“Oh, okay, I was so worried for you there for a second,” Heidi says returning to packing her bag, not at all questioning Evan’s cobbled-together answer. It’s because she didn’t care. She took everything he said at face value. It would take too much effort to look any further. His mom didn’t actually care that Connor was dead, and she probably wouldn’t care if he were either. 

Evan doesn’t say anything, too focused on keeping the other side of his cast hidden, reeling from the fact that his mom just believed him, proving his inner voice that told him constantly that she didn’t care about him, right. He’s standing awkwardly partly in their living room, partly in their kitchen, wanting to leave so badly, but frozen in place. 

Heidi must mistake his frozen-ness as something else because she walks over to him, setting her hand on his shoulder, making him jump in place, saying excitedly, “Why don’t I bag my shift next Tuesday? I mean when’s the last time we did a ‘Taco Tuesday’?” 

Evan pulls away from her, shaking his head, “No, no, you don’t have to do that Mom.” 

“C’mon Evan, you’ve been back at school a week and I’ve barely seen you,” Heidi tries to reason with him, taking her hand away from him, not registering that it was making Evan feel worse. 

How was it his fault that she wasn’t here to see him? And now’s the time she’s commenting on this fact? After she’d already ambushed him with the essays and Connor, now it matters how school’s been? He’d been home alone all week, most days really needing his mom, but she hadn’t chosen him. And the days he hadn’t been, he’d been with the Murphy’s, been with Zoe, but he’d never tell his mom that.

“We could start brainstorming those essay questions. That’d be fun right?” Heidi tells him acting as if this was actually going to happen. But Evan knew better than to get his hopes up. There was no way this dinner thing was going to be a reality. Heidi wouldn’t ever just give up a shift and miss class, especially not to hang out with him for a night.

“Great,” Evan tells her, hoping if he just agreed with her maybe she’d stop talking about it, talking to him, and he might finally be able to leave. 

“Well, that’s exciting, something to look forward to, yeah?” Heidi says looking for an enthusiastic answer that Evan would never be able to give. 

Heidi just happens to check her watch, realizing that it was past seven now and she might be late, rushing to say, “Shit, I’m late, I have to leave honey. Are you okay on refills?”

Evan just nods his head “yes” and Heidi isn’t even paying attention to his answer, scooping up all her things, telling him, “Okay, well I love you. It’s Friday night, so don’t stay up too late.” 

Evan can’t even answer her because she was already out the door. And in less than fifteen minutes, Evan’s good morning, the first one he’d had since, ever, was snatched away. And Evan wonders if he’d just hit snooze once, delaying his arrival into the kitchen, if she would have just left, without giving Evan a second thought. 

==

Evan tries his best to shake away all his feelings about his mom and college and maybe-on-purpose accidents on his walk to school. He fills his mind with thoughts of Zoe, remembering everything that had made him so happy yesterday. Watching Zoe sing and play her guitar, just for him. Holding her hand sweetly, not worrying if his hands were sweaty or not. Watching her put her phone number into his phone and seeing the tiny purple heart right after _Zoe_. Watching her dance in her car and trying his best to dance with her awkwardly. Happy things. Things that made him feel like someone cared. He lets the thoughts of Zoe flood through his mind like a wave crashing onto the beach, letting them wash away everything he was feeling. 

And it surprisingly works. Evan feels calmer, no longer like he was on the verge of tears, but not quite back at the happy state he’d been in before his run-in with his mom. He was at more of a neutral, which in itself still kind of sucks. And the old lady and the golden retriever aren’t even in the park today, which normally wouldn’t upset Evan that much, but that sucks too. It feels like a sign that his whole day was just going to be bad. And he just wants today to be over already. 

Evan’s employing his usual strategy for looking busy at his locker, avoiding contact with any students and shuffling books and notebooks back and forth from his backpack to his locker expertly and he only has like five minutes before the bell rings. He could make it until then. 

“What were you doing with Zoe Murphy yesterday?” the voice of Jared Kleinman asks harshly from behind Evan, making him jump, scaring him just like he’d done yesterday. Jesus Christ, why did Jared keep sneaking up on him at his locker? Was it really necessary? 

Evan doesn’t say anything in response, unsure how to respond and honestly not really wanting to. What he did with Zoe wasn’t Jared’s business, seems like something he’d share with a friend, but him and Jared weren’t friends, so why would he tell Jared anything? 

“I saw you guys talking, if that’s even what you could call your awkward stuttering and rambling. Zoe looked so weirded out. Was she telling you to stay away from her, that you’re incredibly creepy?” Jared says laughing at his own interpretation of their conversation. It makes Evan feel bad, had Zoe really looked like she was freaked out by him? He didn’t remember any of the time they spent together yesterday where she seemed upset, by his presence specifically. But maybe he was remembering things differently, too involved with his own perspective. 

“No, no, she was, she wasn’t,” Evan starts trying to defend himself, maybe Zoe did look weirded out by him, but she definitely hadn’t said anything like that to him, that he knew for sure. 

“Oh, was she confessing her love for you or was that you? Maybe you imagined it happening as she told you to stop stalking her. Does she know how you really broke your arm?” Jared says cruelly, raising his eyebrows mockingly and making a hand gesture that made Evan super uncomfortable, because he was not doing _that_ when he broke his arm, and why was Jared dead set on thinking that. It was weird how much he brought it up. 

“No, no, we were just talking. We’re friends,” Evan says quietly, looking down at the floor, knowing that Jared wasn’t going to believe him anyways.

“Friends?” Jared criticizes him, the look of shock on his face making Evan feel even worse as he continues, “There’s no way you and Zoe Murphy are friends. Do you even know what friends are Evan?” 

Jared had said a lot of hurtful things to Evan over the time he’d known him, but that stung even more than normal. Jared always made sure to throw the fact that he didn’t consider them friends back at Evan whenever he got the chance. So no, maybe he didn’t know what friends were, considering Jared made it ever apparent that he didn’t have any. But there’s a tiny sliver of light in Evan’s head. Zoe. Zoe was nice to him. Zoe said they were friends and he was going to believe that. 

“Yeah, I do. And me and Zoe are friends and I was friends with Connor too,” Evan tells him, stupidly adding the part about Connor. Why had he just said that? Why was he continually telling people this lie about him and Connor? 

“I don’t believe you. There’s no way you, Evan Hansen, were friends with either Murphy, there’s just no way,” Jared says in disbelief, staring at Evan like he’d grown a second head or something. And it makes Evan mad. He was friends with Zoe, and he could’ve been friends with Connor, how would Jared know anyways? 

“If we weren’t friends then why did Connor sign my cast?” Evan challenges him, leveraging the only piece of evidence he had, digging himself deeper into his lie. He’d tell Zoe later and when she hated him for lying more…well at least Evan had one good day with her. Evan continues on telling Jared, “You said you wouldn’t because we aren’t friends, so Connor did instead after you laughed at him.” 

“So you’re telling me that you and Connor Murphy, who threw a printer at Mrs. G in the second grade, were friends?” Jared says skeptically, still not 100% sold on Evan’s story, but he can’t exactly argue with the large, prominently displayed “CONNOR” across Evan’s cast. 

Evan keeps the inside of his cast pressed against his chest, hiding Zoe’s signature from Jared the same way he’d hid it from his mom. He knew he could use it as evidence that they were friends, but Evan really liked Zoe’s signature and he wanted to keep it to himself. Keep it special, because he knew if Jared saw it, he’d ruin it for him. It wouldn’t be something that reminded Evan that Zoe was sincere and liked him anymore, but something that reminded him that Zoe shouldn’t like him, that he wasn’t worth her time and energy. So he hides it, shoving his hoodie over his entire cast once Jared had seen Connor’s name. 

“So what did Zoe want then? To know why Connor offed himself? It’s not like she’d just talk to you for no reason. She’s like a million times cooler than you, her reputation would be tanked if more people saw her with you,” Jared says, still not accepting that Zoe and Evan were friends as an answer to why they had been talking yesterday, tossing in how much of a loser Evan was, probably just for fun. 

Evan doesn’t point out that _Jared_ was with him right now talking to him, like he’d done two other days this week. Was Jared not worried about his own “reputation” tanking by being seen with him? He doesn’t focus on that for too long though, ears ringing with the reminder that Jared had said was true. If more people saw him and Zoe together, she’d definitely get a loser label too, and Evan didn’t want that for her. She probably didn’t want that either. That’s probably why she didn’t hold his hand in the hallway yesterday. She could probably make up some excuse as to why he’d been with her walking, hand holding was a lot harder to write off. 

“No. I don’t know why Connor did, um, and you shouldn’t talk about him like that. We were just talking. Why are you so obsessed with this? Me and Connor were friends. Me and Zoe _are_ friends. That’s it,” Evan says his voice getting higher and louder the more upset he was getting. Why couldn’t Jared just drop this? Why was he still even talking to Evan? He just wanted to leave, slam his locker, and go, but his arms and legs don’t move, trapping him there with Jared. 

“Fine. But don’t expect to get a free button just because you were allegedly friends with Connor, they’re still $3.50,” Jared says, unzipping his backpack to show Evan his pile of buttons, which Evan just now noticed was pinned to his t-shirt as well. 

“I don’t want your stupid button Jared. You shouldn’t sell those,” Evan mumbles, finally closing his locker, looking away from Jared’s stupid face and back to the ground. 

“What? You’re not going to support your best friend Connor Murphy? You’re just mad because it’s a good idea and you just wish you’d have thought of it first,” Jared says smugly, zipping his bag back up and Evan seriously just wants to leave. Was it possible that his day could get any worse? 

Finally Evan is saved by the bell and he has a reason to escape Jared, turning to walk towards his class, not saying anything, but still close enough to Jared to hear him say to himself, “Friends with Zoe Murphy? Yeah right. He’s delusional now too.” 

There was no way his day could possibly get worse. 

==

Evan just seriously wants to go home. Go home and curl up in his bed and do nothing for the rest of the day. For the rest of the weekend possibly. Everything just felt like too much to deal with. Both his mom and Jared had made him upset for different reasons and it’s all he can think about during class. He was pretty used to just going through the motions of being in class, but today even that felt impossible. And during all his spinning about this morning’s events, he forgets about his maybe-plan to text Zoe about lunch.

But about halfway through third period, Evan feels his phone vibrate and he doesn’t know what to do. He’s never had someone text him during class before, therefore having a plan about what to do had never even crossed his mind. He’d never paid attention to any of the classroom rules regarding cell phones because he never thought he’d need it. He’s probably not supposed to check his phone, but his teacher was droning on and on, and what if it was an emergency? What if something terrible had happened to his mom at work? What if it was Zoe? What if something terrible happened to her too? 

The thought of this text message maybe being from Zoe makes him feel brave enough to sneak his phone out of his pocket and slide it onto his lap. And sure enough there’s one notification from _Zoe Murphy 💜_ saying, 

**10:26 A.M. Zoe Murphy 💜:** Today’s been the worst, wanna do lunch in the library again? 

And Evan is completely stunned, somewhat unable to believe that Zoe had actually texted him wanting to hang out. Zoe wanted to ditch her friends and have lunch with _him_ again. She was coming to him when she was feeling bad, looking to him to make her feel better, which Evan finds comforting. Not that he liked that she was upset, he actually hated that and wanted to do everything possible to immediately fix that. But she wanted _him_. He made her feel better, happy even, even if it was only for a little bit. He was her one tiny escape from the hell that was school. 

Evan has some difficulty trying to text her back without his teacher noticing and only using one hand, but he manages to write out, 

**10:28 A.M. Evan Hansen:** yes please

And almost immediately he sees Zoe’s chat bubble appear, then the message comes up, 

**10:28 A.M. Zoe Murphy 💜:** Good :) Meet at the library after 4th? 

Evan doesn’t even have to think of a response, doesn’t once second guess himself as he types back, 

**10:29 A.M. Evan Hansen:** Yes :) 

He normally wouldn’t have added the little smiley face, too worried that Zoe might think it was odd, but it felt right and a little flirty and Evan just tries to go with that. To trust himself for once. To trust that Zoe meant what she said. Finally, something good was happening to him today. Two simple texts from Zoe and suddenly his mood was completely lifted.

Evan’s so excited about having lunch with Zoe again, he doesn’t think about his mom or Jared or anything horrible for the rest of class or during his fourth period. All he can think about is Zoe. He wonders what could be making her upset today. He knows there’s a laundry list of things going terribly for her, but he thinks it’s probably the same as yesterday, more students trying to talk to her about Connor. Annoying classmates trying to weasel their way into her tragedy and her grieving process. Why couldn’t they just leave her alone? 

It doesn’t even cross his mind that he’d also somehow done that, managed to find a way into her life somehow. But at least he was honest with her, he can’t say that for anyone else. Evan’s so caught up in his own little dream world about Zoe that he doesn’t notice any of _his_ classmates watching him, whispering about him. 

As soon as the bell rings, releasing him from fourth period, Evan practically runs to the library, hoping that Zoe might already be there. That she might have been able to dodge the hordes of students like she’d done yesterday after school. Zoe’s not there before him, which disappoints Evan, but he was positive she was coming, they had a concrete plan unlike yesterday. 

Zoe does show up shortly after Evan, looking frazzled and like she just wanted to escape. Evan knows he probably looks the exact same way, so he does his best to smile at her, letting her know that he was excited to see her. Zoe smiles back at him as she gets closer to him, and without thinking or even saying ‘hi’, Evan extends his good arm out to her, offering his hand. Zoe gladly takes it and intertwines their hands together as Evan pulls them into the library, quietly leading them back to their hiding spot. 

Zoe doesn’t let go of Evan’s hand as they slump against the wall, making no move to grab her lunch or do anything other than sit there holding Evan’s hand. So Evan does the exact same thing. 

Eventually, Zoe turns to him and just says, “Today sucks and it’s even a Friday.” 

“I agree, today’s been absolutely terrible. And I even woke up feeling excited and then everything went downhill from there,” Evan tells her, subconsciously starting to move his thumb back and forth over Zoe’s hand. Zoe for sure notices and glances down at their hands, liking this new development. It was comforting to her that Evan was becoming less and less scared about their growing relationship, both platonically and possibly romantically (she wasn’t as sure about that one) and she thinks that her being around and giving him the chance to express himself is comforting to him. It makes her really happy. 

“Do you want to tell me about? You don’t have to, but maybe I can help?” Zoe says, leaning into him more, trusting herself in thinking that Evan might open up more to her and that she really might be able to help him. Or at least make his day a little better. 

Evan looks over to her gratefully, squeezing her hand in thanks and starts to tell her, “I saw my mom this morning, for like maybe five minutes. And all she wanted to do was push these essay contests on me for college. And like I don’t even know if I could handle college or not, when every day right now is already a struggle.” 

Evan doesn’t really mean to share that much with her, but it all comes spilling out anyways. And Zoe looks like she understands, like she isn’t pitying him, which encourages him to continue, “And then she tried to talk to me Connor because of the email the school sent. That she’d be there if I ever felt like that or whatever and I know it’s not true. It wasn’t true then and it’s not true now. She’s never there.” 

Zoe squeezes his hand comfortingly, and she can’t help but focus in on the fact that Evan said, ‘it wasn’t true then’ and it worries her just a little bit. She doesn’t bring it up though. She might have known who Evan was for longer, but they’d really only been friends for two days, she didn’t want to scare him off by pushing for a story he probably wasn’t ready to tell yet. 

Evan pulls his hand away from her for the next part of why his day had been so awful, ready for her to be angry when she told him. He’s staring at his cast, so he doesn’t see the way her face falters at his actions. She sits even closer to him, leaning her head on his shoulder as Evan tells her, “And um, this morning Jared kept teasing me and insisting that there was no way we were friends. He um, he saw us talking yesterday and he just wouldn’t stop, so I told him we were talking because I was friends with Connor. That that was why Connor signed my cast. And I’m really sorry I keep telling people Connor was my friend. I just kind of panicked and wanted Jared to stop. He just kept saying that I was too much of a loser, that you being seen with me would kill your reputation and he wouldn’t drop it. I’m really sorry Zo.” 

Zoe’s a little shocked, but not for the reasons that Evan thought she’d be. She lifts her head from his shoulder, but only so that she could look at him properly, moving her head to catch Evan’s eyeline as he looked at the ground.

“Well, first I’m sorry about your mom. That really sucks that that’s what she chooses to talk to you about when she sees you. I can see how that would be really stressful,” Zoe starts, taking Evan’s hand away from his cast and lacing it together with hers once more, letting him know things were okay before continuing, “And second, I don’t really care that you lied to Jared Kleinman. If saying that you were friends with Connor made him stop, then it’s whatever. Jared was mean to my brother and he’s mean to you and I don’t like bullies. I got bullied enough by Connor at home, so I don’t have put up with it at school.” 

Evan is stunned that Zoe was once again okay with him lying about Connor. But he supposes she makes a good point. He wasn’t going around telling people that he was friends with Connor for attention or to be part of something he didn’t belong to. He’d told Zoe’s parents to console them and he’d told Jared to get him to stop harassing him about Zoe.

“Also Jared can fuck off. Don’t listen to anything he says, none of it’s true. We’re friends Evan,” Zoe tells him with a small smile of her face, hoping that Evan would smile back at her. He doesn’t, but he doesn’t let go of her hand either, which Zoe thinks is good, until he responds back quietly, “So you wouldn’t be embarrassed to be seen with me?” 

Zoe’s heart breaks a little for Evan, for this boy who was so sweet to her all the time, always concerned about how she felt and what she needed, never considering that he might need some of the things he was giving out too. 

“Nope, not at all,” Zoe tells him, squeezing his hand once again, waiting until his eyes glanced up to meet hers, knowing she was being sincere, “Because there’s nothing about you that’s embarrassing Evan.” 

Evan smiles at her tentatively and finally squeezes her hand back, and she thinks maybe he believes her just a little, so she keeps telling him, “And ‘reputations’ don’t matter to me. I don’t care if anyone here thinks I’m cool or whatever.” 

“I think you’re cool. You’re the coolest person I know,” Evan tells her sweetly, blushing a little for telling Zoe she was cool and because of the nice things she said about him, definitely not in response to her blushing too. No one had ever said anything nice like that about him before. No one had ever told him that they _weren’t_ embarrassed by him. Well, his mom had never said it to him, but she had stopped taking him places like the grocery store or to the mall at some point and Evan always thought it was because she didn’t want to be around him more than she had too. 

“Um, thanks for listening Zoe, do you want to tell me about your shitty day so far?” Evan asks her, ready to be done talking about himself, and hoping he could make her feel better the way she had for him. 

“Well it started okay, my parents were in a good mood and so was I. They said they were looking forward to the emails and that I should read them, and I thought that was funny, but the point being that everything was fine until I got to school. People seriously just won’t leave me alone. Every passing period is like a new attack on me,” Zoe tells him frowning, making him restart his little movements over her hand, this time consciously. 

“Why do they think they’re doing something nice? I just want people to leave me alone. And even my so called friends won’t stop either, and I even asked them to stop talking about Connor, but they didn’t listen. No one ever listens to me except you. You’re the only one who talks to me like a normal person Evan,” Zoe says, tucking herself into Evan’s side once again. Evan likes being this close to her and that she always initiates being close to him. It makes him feel like she wants it and that she’s not creeped out by him. She fits perfectly next to him, like his side is a spot that she was meant to be in. 

“I’m sorry that everyone keeps bothering you, maybe they’ll forget about it over the weekend? But we always have this to escape to,” Evan tells her, gesturing around the quiet space with his casted arm. 

“You’re right Ev, and this has made my day so much better,” Zoe says, blushing again, using her hand that wasn’t holding Evan’s to grab her sandwich out of her bag, and a tiny bag of goldfish. Evan thinks it’s really cute that Zoe has goldfish for some reason, something he hadn’t eaten since elementary school and he wonders if she hides them from her mom with the rest of the contraband snacks. 

“Same. The thought of meeting you here is what got me through fourth period,” Evan tells her, figuring it was now okay to tell Zoe things like that. It wasn’t like it was a secret that he liked being around her and that she made him feel better. 

“Um, so I know we hung out yesterday, so I get it if you don’t want to, but do you want to do something after school? I think it might be nice to go get some ice cream or something. I don’t know, it kind of feels like something we both need,” Zoe asks, somewhat shyly, and it’s the first time Evan has seen her not be bold and confident when it came to asking him something. He thinks it’s really cute and he wonders if maybe Zoe thinks he’s cute when he gets too shy to actually ask her things. And he’s very surprised that Zoe keeps wanting to hang out with him, that she genuinely enjoyed his company. 

But he doesn’t ever want to waste an opportunity to be with her, so he starts nodding his head quickly, telling her, “I want to. Um, I always want to see you Zoe.” 

Both of them are furiously blushing again, looking over to each other smiling sweetly. And Evan feels so much better than he did this all morning. It’s kind of crazy that spending twenty minutes with Zoe Murphy can completely turn his day around. And she seems a lot happier now too. Maybe they could always be there to make each other feel better. Maybe they’d always be able to be this close. 

They keep chatting about little nothings, eating lunch, sharing Zoe’s once she realized Evan didn’t actually have a lunch (he’d forgotten this morning because he was too stressed about his mom). Evan thinks it’s a really sweet gesture and he remembers how good goldfish are, jotting down that Zoe liked them for future reference. And Evan’s really sad when the bell rings and they have to split up again, another two periods before school was out and they could leave together.

When they get up, Evan is not expecting Zoe to grab his hand and lace it with hers once more. Maybe he needed to start expecting the unexpected from Zoe Murphy. But he didn’t want her to feel like she had to hold his hand for any reason, so he tells her, “Zoe, um, you don’t have to hold my hand in the hallway, um, not if you don’t want to.” 

“Oh I do. I only didn’t yesterday because I didn’t want you to be worried about it. But like I said, I don’t care what anyone thinks,” Zoe says, smiling brightly at him, pulling him along into the busy hallway. Evan just squeezes her hand in response, a little too overwhelmed to say anything real. Zoe wanted to hold his hand. Zoe didn’t care that people saw her holding his hand. That was a lot, but a lot of good. 

Zoe walks along the hallway confidently, leading Evan the way he’d led her in the library, and Evan once again doesn’t notice any of the students whispering about him. He doesn’t notice anything except Zoe. They agree to meet by her car again after school, and almost on instinct Zoe reaches up like she was going to kiss his cheek again, but she catches herself and plays it off, thankful that Evan didn’t seem to notice, waving to her until the warning bell rings. 

He couldn’t wait for school to be over, but for a very different reason than this morning. 

== 

The rest of the afternoon is much easier for Evan, the only thing stressing him was that he’d have to order for himself when him and Zoe got ice cream, and he hated that. But he keeps telling himself that it would be okay, that he could do it if Zoe was there with him. And it nice actually that he ended up eating at the Murphy’s two nights in a row, because now he had money to actually go out with Zoe. 

Finally the bell rings and Evan’s teacher dismisses them, and Evan hurries out the door, carefully avoiding most of the students. He stops at his locker briefly, just to grab a couple things he needed for the weekend, but he wishes he hadn’t because it’s where Alana Beck finds him, stopping him from finding Zoe.

“Hey Evan, it’s Alana. How are you? This week must have been so hard for you,” Alana tells him cheerfully, which confuses him. Her tone was so upbeat, but her words weren’t. 

And he truly has no idea what she was talking about, every week was hard for him. If he weighed everything that happened this week it honestly probably would have ranked into a slightly better week than most. But he doesn’t tell Alana all that, all he can say it, “Um, fine, thanks.” 

“Jared’s been telling everyone about you and Connor and how close you guys were, that you were best friends,” Alana tells him rapidly, and Evan hopes she can’t tell how nervous he was getting, mumbling back to her, “He, um, what?” 

Jesus Christ, of course Jared took the one thing he told him and went and told the entire senior class, probably the whole school. He probably knew people would start coming up to him like they did to Zoe. And that it would make Evan extremely uncomfortable and anxious. Jared definitely did this on purpose to make Evan upset. Why did he have to be like that? Why couldn’t Jared just leave him alone if he didn’t want to be friends? 

“Everyone’s been talking about how brave you’ve been,” Alana keeps talking, barely registering that Evan was even trying to respond to her, quietly asking, “They are?”

“I mean anyone else probably would have broken down by now, but not you. It’s remarkable really how strong you’ve been as Connor’s best friend. Dana P. was crying so much because she’d never get the chance to ever know Connor,” Alana chatters still in her oddly upbeat voice, like they weren’t talking about the fact that Connor died. People at school were talking about him because he _died_. Did no one at Evan’s school seem to get that? 

“What?” is all Evan can get in, now that he was super overwhelmed about everything Alana was saying. People were talking about him? People were talking about him and Connor being best friends? He was going to have to keep this lie up now to his whole school? Why was Alana telling him all this? 

“Connor is really bringing the whole school together. People I’ve never talked to before want to talk to me now because they knew how much Connor meant to me,” Alana tells him, which freaks Evan out the most. Were Alana and Connor friends? Good friends even? Was that why she was talking to him? To call him out on his lies because she actually knew Connor? Would she tell Cynthia and Larry too? 

“You, um, were friends with Connor too?” Evan manages to ask, needing to know if Alana was about to tell everyone that he was liar, that she was actually Connor’s best friend.

“No more like acquaintances, but _close_ acquaintances. I started a blog about him though, a memorial really. You should check it out,” Alana says, not all noticing the way relief washes through Evan’s body. Alana didn’t actually know Connor; she didn’t know he was lying. She wasn’t going to tell the Murphy’s. 

“Um, yeah,” Evan tells her, agreeing in hopes that it would speed their conversation up, knowing that Zoe was hopefully waiting for him already. He didn’t want her to think he wasn’t coming. That he’d ditched her.

“Can I tell you something? Part of me always knew you guys were friends,” Alana starts, and Evan literally cannot believe that she was about to back up his lie without knowing anything. What was happening to Evan where this kept happening? First Cynthia and the orchard, and now Alana and “knowing” they’d been friends. 

“You guys did a really good job of hiding it, but I don’t know I could just tell. Anyways, you should check out the blog, maybe you could add something. I’m sure people would love to hear from Connor’s best friend,” Alana tells him, finally getting to the point. She wanted him to add to her blog because people were reading it for now, she wasn’t out to get him. 

“Um maybe Alana, but I have to go,” Evan tells her, not really waiting for her response, which he knew was rude, but it was also rude to keep Zoe waiting. And honestly, he cared more about how Zoe felt than Alana. 

As he rushes towards the parking lot, he can’t believe that Zoe’s been dealing with this for two days. Random people just coming up to her, talking about Connor. He could barely handle one conversation from someone he kind of knew. He hopes no one else tries to talk to him about it. Maybe he’ll get lucky. He wasn’t brave enough to handle it. Zoe was the brave one. 

And thankfully when he gets to the parking lot, Zoe was still there, waiting for him, sitting on her car again. She had huge headphones over her ears and was glaring fiercely at anyone who tried to come her way, and it eerily reminds Evan of Connor. 

But when she sees him, she slides her headphones down to her neck and starts waving at him, glare turning into a very pretty smile. And Evan lets his anxiety over his conversation with Alana go. He had Zoe and she was real. And it was starting to feel like Zoe might be a permanent part of his life too, that no matter what, he might always have her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Evan always be lying to Heidi, which is not good. I also kind of love writing this different version of Evan and Heidi because they're super close and open with each other in all my other fics. But not here, at least for now :) More of mean Jared, spreading rumors about Evan and Connor. And most importantly more of very cute Evan/Zoe which we all know is the cutest. 
> 
> Next chapter will be the start of The Connor Project and of course more very sweet Zoe/Evan especially when Evan explains to her why something like The Connor Project is so important. Stay tuned!!!!


	5. You Drew Stars Around My Scars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan gets excited about having dinner with his mom. Alana is insistent that Evan needs to do something for Connor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone!!! 
> 
> Okay so this chapter has a lot of angst and I just want to give a heads up that this chapter discusses Evan's "fall" as well as Connor's suicide. But this is a _Dear Evan Hansen_ fanfic so hopefully those themes aren't upsetting to anyone and I hope I did okay with them. But this chapter is where the idea of the Connor Project starts to bloom, which means we're almost to You Will Be Found and almost to Evan and Zoe getting together _romantically_ and that's pretty exciting! 
> 
> Once again, I am behind on Good Things Are Finally Coming My Way, but I am hoping to get a chapter out later tonight or tomorrow, so be on the look out for that! 
> 
> As always, thank you so much to everyone who is following along with this story by reading it every week! It means so much to me and please feel free to leave your thoughts, because I love hearing them! And thank you for all the subscriptions, kudos, and bookmarks! Happy reading!!!

The weekend is just what Evan needed to feel better and forget about his weird interaction with Alana, forget that Jared told the whole school that him and Connor were _best friends_. Getting ice cream Friday after school and just driving around together, talking, is the most fun Evan’s had since the last time he hung out with Zoe.

But it was different kind of fun. They don’t talk about Connor or her parents or fake emails or anything, they only talk about themselves. Things they love, things they hate, things they want to do, everything. And Evan’s favorite by far is learning the very small things about Zoe. She likes coffee with lots of cream, but no sugar. Her favorite color was deep purple (the same that she’d dyed her hair), but her mom painted her room light purple instead when she was eight. She loves astrology just for fun and can name the majority of the constellations in the sky (that’s how they ended up stargazing for most of Saturday night right outside of Ellison). She loved flowers except for roses because she thought they were too cliché. She liked to make her jewelry or buy it vintage. She only liked really old movies or new ones, claiming that the late 90’s and the early 2000’s were a tragic time. She loved fruit snacks more than anything. And Evan thinks he kinda loves her more than anything. Well maybe not love yet, he wasn’t sure what it felt like to love someone, but he thinks this is the closest he’ll get, probably. 

And he also likes that Zoe gives him space to talk about his likes and dislikes, pretty much realizing for the first time that he had them. She didn’t want him to just agree with her for the sake of avoiding conflict, she wanted to hear his actual thoughts on things, even if they sometimes turned into anxious ramblings. Even if he told her gummies you can’t see through creep him out when she’d just said they were her favorite. She’d shown him this during the week when they’d been hanging out, but he actually believes her now. But what he likes the most, even more than just learning about Zoe, is that he doesn’t have to lie to her, and he’s not compelled to do it either. He doesn’t obsess over the things he’s trying to say, and he’s never felt calmer around someone, ever. He really likes it. 

He spends every day with Zoe, staying over for dinner at the Murphy’s both Sunday night and Monday night. Monday night mostly because Evan just really wanted to hang out with Zoe and forget again. School had been awful, with so many people coming up to him and trying to talk about Connor, faking their sincerity, wanting to know more details, and he hated it, hated that Jared did that to him. He was able to forget about it over the weekend, but he couldn’t escape it at school, and he wanted to return to that blissful bubble. And, he had to give Cynthia and Larry the emails him and Zoe had made and reassure them that he could bring them more. There was that too. 

And that’s how he ends up with Zoe in her room Monday night, laying on her bed on their bellies together, hips barely touching, just doing homework, avoiding going home to his empty house. He hadn’t seen his mom since Friday, and he wasn’t sure when he’d see her again. She had said tomorrow for ‘Taco Tuesday’, but Evan knew that wasn’t real. But it doesn’t keep him from stressing about it, fidgeting so much that he was shaking Zoe’s bed a little, grabbing her attention. 

“Evan, are you okay? You’re wobbling the bed,” Zoe asks him, laughing a little at the end so he knew she wasn’t mad or anything, just slightly concerned that he wasn’t okay with something. 

“Sorry Zo, um I am, I guess. It’s just that my mom said she wanted to have dinner with me tomorrow and I don’t think it’s going to happen. She, um, she tends to promise things a lot and they don’t really happen, just more of what I was telling you on Friday. And I was just thinking about it,” Evan says trying not to sound pitiful or whiny, knowing Zoe probably wouldn’t pity him or think he was unjustified in complaining, but there was always the chance. 

“It might though Ev. Maybe everything with Connor has her paying more attention. Maybe she’s really looking forward to seeing you,” Zoe says comfortingly, placing her hand on his arm, leaning in a bit more.

“Maybe, but I doubt it. I don’t know,” Evan tells her, thinking it was stupid of him to bring it up anyways. He hated getting his hopes up, only to know they’d be crushed when reality set it. Of course, he could think the best outcomes were possible, but why should he? They literally never happened to him. Zoe was the only time the best-case scenario had happened to him, the only exception to his always. 

“Well, you won’t know for sure unless you’re there to try. You told me that too. It’s always worth trying,” Zoe says remembering what Evan had written in response to “Connor”, telling him to try to apologize even if it was hard. 

“Yeah you’re right. Sometimes it’s just really hard to try Zoe, sometimes it’s easier to just give up, but I shouldn’t. Maybe she is trying. But, if by some miracle she’s home, she’s going to want to go over those essay contests, which are really stressing me out. She wants me to apply for so many of them, have ideas for all of them, and I just can’t. And I’m sorry I’m going on and on about this,” Evan says dejectedly, letting his head fall into his arms, but continuing to look over to her, liking that Zoe wasn’t pulling away her hand. He didn’t get nearly as shocked when she touched him anymore, it was something he wanted all the time now. And it usually happened, they were almost always touching in some way or another. Evan assumes it’s because Zoe finds it comforting too. A reminder that he was real too. 

“Don’t be sorry. That’s what friends are for, you can talk to me and I can help you out. I know you’d do the same for me. Do you have any of the prompts with you? We could take a look at some together and maybe having at least one idea to tell your mom will make you feel better,” Zoe says, moving her hand up his arm to brush away a piece of his hair that had fallen over his forehead before letting it trail back down his arm, settling on top of his hand.

Evan honestly doesn’t understand how the stars aligned or whatever, however fate works, that allowed Zoe Murphy to be a part of his life. How was it possible that he got to be so lucky, that he got the chance to get to know her? For her to consider him as a real friend, maybe headed towards something more? Was it the universe trying to make up for every shitty hand he’d been dealt so far? Maybe. 

“Yeah, I have some of them,” Evan says, getting up to grab his bag, pulling the stack of papers that he’d hastily shoved in there Friday morning out, attempting to flatten the corners. He hands them to Zoe, who rolls to her back to read them, and Evan tries extremely hard not to look at the sliver of skin across her stomach from where her shirt had ridden up. He fails miserably, so he moves back to the bed, in the same position as before, hoping that Zoe hadn’t noticed his weird staring. 

“Evan, this one is on the lower side, but it’s specifically for students interested in ecology, maybe you could talk about being a park ranger this summer and the work you did, and here’s one about wildlife conservation, not exactly the same, but maybe. Oh and maybe this one if you want to go a more English/journalism route,” Zoe tells him, setting all the other ones aside, and rolling back over, settling right next to Evan, handing him back the prompts. And Evan’s kind of amazed that she could pick out three that fit him almost to a tee in under a minute. That she paid attention to the things he said. That she was starting to know him the way that he felt like he knew her. 

They spend the next hour talking over them and roughly outlining some things and Evan’s actually kind of excited about submitting them, hopeful that he might have a chance. And Zoe was right, if by some luck Heidi was home tomorrow, he had something to show her, something that might actually make her proud, instead of just always telling him she was. And it was a good feeling.

And when Zoe eventually drops him off at his own house for the night and he starts missing her the minute he steps out of her car, looking forward to seeing her again.

==

Evan was correct in thinking that being with Zoe after school on Monday would help him forget how terrible school had been because he’s brutally aware of it once more when he gets in on Tuesday. And Zoe was correct when she said they wouldn’t stop. Evan can barely get from class to class without at least two random students coming up to him to talk about Connor, wearing those stupid pins Jared was selling. At least they mostly stopped bugging Zoe though. Probably because she yelled at a freshman, scaring the majority of the other students. Evan would probably never be daring enough to do that, so he just let these kids talk at him until they realize they weren’t going to get more than a “Thanks, I guess” from Evan and walk away on their own. 

After school Zoe only drops Evan off at his house, wishing him luck with his mom and he does the same, knowing Zoe was going to go do something with Cynthia, their first time doing something together in a long time too. She said she’d call him later though, which makes him feel all fluttery again, knowing that she meant it. 

Evan gets all of his homework done while waiting for his mom, and even starts adding to the outlines he and Zoe had made the night before, getting himself excited to show her. He’s so focused on them, he almost misses a call from Zoe, not really expecting her to call him so soon before dinnertime. 

He’s fine talking on the phone with _Zoe_ because it helps pass the time and he loves hearing about her afternoon with her own mom. Apparently, they got their nails done (the only thing Cynthia could think to do with her) and now Zoe had little music notes on her nails, which Evan hasn’t seen but he knows is probably adorable. And most importantly, it sounds like Zoe had a good time and so did her mom, one of her first times out of the house since Connor… 

And Evan’s really happy for her, for both of them really, and he doesn’t hear his mom come into his room until he turns around and sees her, quickly tells Zoe, “Gotta go bye!” and hangs up on her abruptly. He would call her back or text her an apology soon. 

“Who were you talking to?” Heidi asks, clearly noticing Evan hanging up as soon as he saw her standing in the doorway. 

“Um, no one. It was nothing,” Evan says quietly, looking away from her, not ready to tell his mom about Zoe yet, knowing she’d go completely overboard wanting to know every single thing about her, stressing him out. He thankfully has just started to always wear his hoodie over his cast, never bringing any attention to it, except when he wanted to see it. 

“Was it Jared? It seems like you and Jared are spending more time together,” Heidi says not at all seeing Evan physically react to that comment. Where did she get the idea that him and Jared had been spending time together? Did she somehow know that he hadn’t been home most of the weekend? How would she because she hadn’t been either. Did she just assume that the only person who could tolerate Evan on the phone was Jared? 

“You know, I always thought Jared was such a great friend for you,” Heidi adds, making Evan cringe and think about how it just showed how much she didn’t know about him. Didn’t care to ask about. She had no idea that Jared was incredibly mean to Evan, his biggest bully at school. The only things that Heidi knew were supplied from Jared’s mom who told her they were friends because Jared told her that for his car insurance. Heidi only asked Jared’s mom because she thought Evan wasn’t capable of making real friends, needing to cling to a childhood one out of desperation. 

Evan doesn’t have a response besides a very sarcastic, “Yeah really great” mumbled under his breath. And he can’t help but think about how hard school’s been the last two days because of Jared. Evan told the lie, but Jared didn’t need to spread it just to spite him. 

“Well, I’m heading out,” Heidi starts, making Evan look over at her again, realizing she was wearing scrubs and carrying her purse. She must have come home just to change, dropping by Evan’s room as an afterthought. 

“There’s money on the table. You can order whatever you want,” Heidi tells him excitedly like it was an amazing opportunity, not his everyday nightmare. And Evan’s feeling just as resentful as he did on Friday morning, cusping on angry because he knew it. He knew his mom wasn’t serious, that she wasn’t going to remember the things she’d promised _four_ days ago. He was never going to be as important as work or her classes. He’d always just be the afterthought. 

He could not say anything, let her leave and not make a big deal about it, knowing that he shouldn’t have hoped for anything when it came to his mom. But he was hurt because he was hoping for the best this time. Zoe had given him this tiny glimmer of hope (not that he was mad at her, she was trying to be a good friend) that maybe like Cynthia, his own mom would want to see him. All he was hoping for was one night. One night where he wouldn’t be a disappointment to her. He’d done what she’d asked. He’d put in the work for the contests and he wanted to show her. 

“I thought we were doing tacos, looking at essays?” Evan says sadly, the hurt clearly evident in his voice. He doesn’t know why he says it as she’s turning to leave. Maybe he wants her to feel guilty. To feel how he felt constantly around her. Maybe it would make him feel better. It doesn’t. 

“Tuesday, that’s today. Oh god. Oh my god, I completely forgot. Shit,” Heidi says starting to pace around his room, like if she looked upset enough it could replace an actual apology. 

“It’s okay,” Evan tells her the same way he always does when she breaks one of her promises. It was fine. Honestly, it was his own fault, really. He should have never thought even for a second that she’d follow through. 

“No, um, you know what? You should still look at them and then you can email me your ideas! And I can, I can write back. Yeah that’s good. That’s probably better anyways, then you can really take your time,” Heidi tells him, like him being alone all night _again_ was actually a better idea than seeing him. She didn’t care about the dumb essay contests or any ideas he had about them. She didn’t care that he was excited to share something with her for once, that for once he wasn’t going to lie to her. But then he remembers the only reason she even wanted him to go to college was so he’d leave, be out of her house and her mind. So that he’d finally leave her alone. He tried that before and it didn’t work, so now he was just stuck. 

“Yeah, no for sure,” Evan says trying to blink back the tears that were starting to form, getting up from his desk and shoving things into his bag. If she wasn’t going to be home, then neither was he. Maybe he’d go to the park or to Ellison or something. Anywhere that wasn’t here. 

Heidi can tell he’s upset and horribly, Evan’s glad. She should know that it hurt him every time she lied to him. How it felt to hope for something, only to correctly guess that his own mom didn’t care enough about him to stay. That he’d never be good enough for her, never be a good enough reason to stay.

Instead of comforting him though, Heidi’s voice takes on a harsher tone telling him, “We can do tacos another night Evan,” as if he was overreacting. If anything, Evan felt like he was underreacting. He should be screaming, stomping, throwing things, because that’s how he felt inside, but all he says is a neutral, “Okay.” 

“We, um, we could do tomorrow night. How about tomorrow night?” Heidi offers and Evan doesn’t even know why. Did she remember she had group discussions Wednesday that counted towards her grade? She wasn’t going to miss that either. Why did she continually tell him things she was never going to do? Continually set him up to be disappointed? Maybe that’s why he always thought anyone talking to him was setting him up for something horrible. It’s all his mom ever did. 

“I can’t tomorrow. I’m busy,” Evan says curtly, knowing that he wasn’t really busy, but he could be. It was better than listening to empty promises for another night. 

“Shit. I’m late,” Heidi says looking at her watch frantically. But what’s new about that? Anytime Heidi spent more than five minutes with Evan she suddenly was late for something. He wasn’t shocked by that anymore either. 

Evan’s zipping up his bag, attempting to walk by her through the doorway, when Heidi stops him, tugging on his hoodie sleeve, saying, “Evan, wait. Let’s figure this out.” 

“It’s fine. I’ll figure out dinner myself. And I just remembered I have a group project anyways, so I’m going to the library. See you later, I guess,” Evan lies to her, shaking off her hold on him as the first few tears began to fall. Later, as in several days when she decides she wants to talk to him for five minutes again. When she remembers she has a son, a lonely, incredibly sad son. 

His entire house feels suffocating as he walks down the hall, like the walls were closing in on him. Everywhere he looked just felt like a reminder that his mom didn’t _want_ to see him, didn’t want him. So he has to get out, has to leave. And he doesn’t want her seeing the tears either, displaying just how pathetic he really was. But he shouldn’t have worried about that either because she’s not following him, not calling out to him, making no attempt to get him. 

And he doesn’t know why he stops, but when he’s out of the door and far enough way, but still close enough to see his house, he watches his mom leave. Get in her car and drive, and not towards him, but towards work, like it was just another night. 

It causes a fresh wave of tears and he just starts walking aimlessly with no actual destination in mind. Anywhere was better than where he just was. 

It takes him about 10 minutes of walking before he calls Zoe without even really thinking about it, like it was the natural thing to do. But she was really the only person he could call. She was the only person who liked him, her and her parents. And he really doesn’t want to be alone, not when there’s the slimmest possibility that he could be with Zoe instead. 

Zoe picks up on the first ring, which honestly surprises Evan, he was used to going to voicemail or people picking up right at the last second. And Zoe doesn’t even greet him, because she already knew why Evan was calling a short 18 minutes after their last phone call, asking him sadly, “She didn’t remember, did she?” 

“No, and I um, didn’t have anyone else to call and I’m sorry that I hung up on you earlier, and um, I don’t even know why I called, but I don’t want to be alone,” Evan tells her, between sniffles, trying to get his breathing and crying under control. 

“I’m always here Evan. Do you want to come over right now? We haven’t eaten yet, and my parents would love to see you…I want to see you,” Zoe tells him, and it sounds like she already moving. 

“Are you sure? I mean, I really shouldn’t be this upset. I’ll probably be fine,” Evan says, not sure why he was lying to her when he’d promised he wouldn’t. He definitely wasn’t going to be fine. And he definitely would rather be at the Murphy’s. 

“Yeah, we want you here Evan. Where are you? I’ll come get you,” Zoe tells him, and it’s finally sinking in that she said her family wanted him with them, the opposite of what his own family wanted. 

“I, um, I already left my house. I think I went towards yours. I’m by, um,” Evan pauses to actually look around and figure out where he was before responding back to her, “I’m by the park on St. Clair Ave. But you don’t have to come get me Zo, um not if you don’t want to. I can walk to your house too. But um, also it would be nice to see you and have less time with my own thoughts if you came.” 

Evan’s feeling too many things at the moment to even consider that he just told Zoe he didn’t want to be with his own thoughts anymore. He didn’t really like talking about his anxiety, it always made him feel less than. But he had opened up to her about it over the weekend, more than he’s ever done with anyone, even Dr. Sherman, and she was so sweet about it and understanding. So it’s a little more comforting knowing that she at the very least wouldn’t think he was completely out of his mind. 

“I’ll be there soon Evan, just stay there,” Zoe tells him, and he can hear her keys jingling and her quickly going down the staircase, and he feels minutely better. Zoe was coming to him.

“Thank you Zoe,” Evan tells her before they hang up, which was probably good because Zoe shouldn’t talk on the phone and drive at the same time. It was dangerous. 

Evan walks over to a bench and pulls his legs up to his chest, setting his head on his knees, trying his best not to spiral out of control. He’d gotten his crying under control during his phone call to Zoe, so breathing was next. _In for five. Out for seven. Repeat._ It’s working a little, until he thinks about his mom driving away again. Making no actual effort to ‘figure it out’ like she’d suggested because she didn’t want to. Because she would always choose work. She had when he’d broken his arm, so why would any other time be any different? 

She was probably thrilled that Evan left before her, so she wouldn’t have to deal with him and his neediness. Though was asking for one night really that needy? Especially when he hadn’t asked, and she’d offered? It probably was. Asking for anything at this point was too needy. He knew she couldn’t wait for him to not need her anymore. He wishes that this summer had been— 

He doesn’t finish his thought because Zoe’s yellow car is pulling up in front of him, parking where Evan’s not really sure is legal, but he doesn’t care because Zoe was there. She came faster than he thought was possible and she was literally racing out of her car to him. Zoe pulls him up from his dismal curled-up sitting position, wrapping him up in a hug before saying anything at all. 

And he hugs her back just as tight, regretting the last thing he’d been thinking. If this summer had been different, he wouldn’t have gotten this chance to be with Zoe, this chance for some reason he’d been given, to have a friend. And he didn’t wish their friendship were different. It’s the only thing he had right now, and it was the best thing. 

“I’m so sorry Ev. I feel so bad that I contributed to you feeling this upset. You tried to tell me that she’d forget, but I convinced you she wouldn’t. You could’ve already been at my house or somewhere else and I’m just really sorry,” Zoe says, looking up at him, pulling away from their hug slightly just so she could look up at him, her eyes giving away how upset she truly was that he was upset. 

Evan can’t even remember the last time someone has sincerely apologized to him and he hadn’t even expected Zoe to. She hadn’t done anything wrong. It wasn’t her fault that his mom didn’t care about him. It’s not like she’d even bothered to actually apologize for leaving him. But did she even have to apologize for something that was a regular occurrence? No, and Evan didn’t expect one at this point anyways.

“It’s okay Zo. You didn’t do anything. You helped me and you were being really nice. I really hoped that I would be wrong, and you’d be right. But it’s not at all your fault and you didn’t make me upset, my mom did that all on her own,” Evan tells her genuinely, only sounding bitter towards the end, trying to remedy it by hugging Zoe in tighter, so she didn’t think his change in tone was about her. 

“Well, I’m still sad that you’re sad,” Zoe says, starting to move her hands in small circles on his back, the same way he had when she’d been crying the other day over Connor.

“I’m not really that sad now that you’re here,” Evan says quietly, extremely glad that Zoe couldn’t see him blushing because she was still pressed into his chest. Zoe just squeezes his torso a little in response and Evan thinks he knows what she means. That she was glad to be there, that she wanted to be the person he could call and who would actually come.

“Also, um, thank you for inviting me over. I know I’ve been at your house a lot the last couple of days,” Evan tells her, suddenly self-conscious about how much time he really did spend with her and her parents and it hadn’t quite been a week since that first very tense dinner. 

“Don’t worry about it. I like that you’re with us and my parents like it too. We all like having you around. Which, um, I hope you’re not mad, but I did tell my parents you were coming over and why,” Zoe pulling away from him, but letting her hands intertwine with both of his, well his right hand and her best attempt with his left. 

“Um, no it’s probably okay, but do you think they’re going to like feel bad for me and try to talk about like my parents or whatever?” Evan asks, knowing he had a kind of good thing going with her parents, hating that it could be ruined by them pitying Evan, feeling sorry that his own parents didn’t want him. He didn’t want that influencing their opinion of him either. One set of parents already had abandoned him, and he didn’t want this pseudo-second set to do the same. 

“I mean, I don’t think so. My mom will probably try to hug you, but she kind of already does that a lot,” Zoe tells him, smiling to reassure him a little. Evan nods along knowing that literally every time he’d gone home from the Murphy’s that Cynthia had hugged him, sometimes when he got there too. 

“If anything, they’ll probably ask for more emails, which we should probably do some time soon, but I think that’s probably it,” Zoe says, deciding that she needed to hug him again, but this time wrapping her arms around his neck, letting Evan’s wrap naturally around her waist. 

Shocking Evan just as much as the first time she’d done it, Zoe leans up and kisses his cheek lightly, blushing profusely as she pulled away. Zoe knows there’s no way he was thinking about his mom now, if the blush that was spreading across his cheeks was any indication of how he was feeling. 

Zoe smiles at Evan’s stunned posture, guiding him to her car, deciding it was time to go back to her house, happy that she knew he’d be okay, at least for the time being. 

Zoe opens the passenger door for him, and Evan thinks it’s really cute, still not quite processing that she’d kissed him _again_. Because she had wanted to. She wanted to make him feel better. She cared about him and how he felt. He thinks she cares about him a lot. And he would never rush anything, but the small feelings that he had that she could possibly like him back in the same way he liked her, were growing more and more. 

Zoe quickly walks over to the driver’s side smiling at the way Evan was just sitting there, continuing to blush, looking at his cast, his face never changing from the sappy smile that Zoe thought was just adorable. 

Evan’s surprised when Zoe doesn’t automatically hand him her phone, instead choosing a playlist herself, being a little secretive about it, but Evan doesn’t really care, he probably wouldn’t be able to choose a good playlist right now anyway. Evan glances at her phone before it locks though, and he swears the playlist Zoe chose was called “For Evan 💙” but he probably just imagined it.

But maybe he didn’t because he really likes every song that comes on, like Zoe had chosen them specifically for him. Although it might have less to do with the songs themselves, but the way Zoe was singing them. They were softer than her normal upbeat playlists, but not sad and Evan seriously doesn’t know how Zoe did it. She had this soothing effect on him that he’d never experienced before. Lovely is really the only word Evan can think of to describe it, even though that wasn’t quite right either. But with her around, thoughts of his mom and tacos and essays don’t even cross his mind. 

He’s actually kind of glad his mom forgot because now instead of feeling anxious and stressed all night that his mom was going to think his ideas were dumb or having to second guess his every word or action or submerging himself in more lies to his mom, he gets to spend the evening with Zoe. And her parents. The only people Evan knew of (even though he still wasn’t sure why) who seemed to enjoy his presence, anxious ticks and all. Besides, he now knew fairly certainly that his mom would rather be somewhere else anyway, so he shouldn’t feel bad about wanting the same.

By the time they’re pulling into the Murphy’s driveway, Evan feels almost normal, or his version of normal at least, and Zoe can tell too. She’s happy that she was able to cheer him up, even if she didn’t want him to know just yet that she’d made a playlist just for him or that she was secretly hoping he’d kiss her back soon. They get out of the car and Zoe immediately reaches for Evan’s hand, pulling him towards her house. She doesn’t let go until they sit down at the table, across from one another like always.

Dinner is just as nice as it’s been the last few times Evan had stayed over. The conversation between all four of them was getting easier and everyone was just feeling more relaxed in general. Evan felt like this little family he’d somehow become a part of was healing, one day at a time. And Cynthia had even started cooking more normal food too, her fad diets fading away, which made Larry and Zoe happier too just on principle. And it’s the first night that Evan has with them that he doesn’t think about how he was in Connor’s seat, registering it now as his own at the table. 

Evan stays later than normal due to Cynthia suggesting a family board game, something that Zoe whispered to him that they hadn’t done in years. Even Larry participates setting down his phone and actually plays with them. Zoe and her dad make a fierce team, and Evan thinks Zoe had been right, that her parents were trying, for themselves and for her and it makes Evan really happy to see. Zoe looks happy talking with her parents and Evan can’t really imagine anything better than this. 

It’s getting close to ten and Evan knows he has to go home to his empty, stifling home, and he probably had a sad desolate expression on his face, because Cynthia pulls Evan into a motherly hug and offers, “Evan, if you want, if you know your parents won’t be home you’re always welcome to stay the night here. I can set up the guest room for you if that’s something you’d want.” 

Evan is floored by this invitation, by the generosity of the entire Murphy family, and can’t really formulate words at the moment. He’d never been to a sleepover before or had any adult actually care that he was home alone most of the time, even when he’d been little like 11 or 12. He feels like he wants to cry again but for an entirely different reason than before. He glances over to Zoe to gage her reaction to her mom’s offer and she’s nodding her head, like it was something she was offering too, something she wanted him to agree with. Zoe hated that Evan felt so alone all the time, especially when he could be with her family. An easy fix really. 

“Um, okay, um, thank you Mrs. Murphy, that’s really nice of you,” Evan says sheepishly, pulling away from her to go stand by Zoe, letting his arm brush up against hers, feeling a little overwhelmed by the offer. 

“You just let Zoe know whenever you want to stay over and I’ll fix up the room,” Cynthia tells him, smiling kindly at him, walking over to him and Zoe, setting her hand comfortingly on Evan’s shoulder, and opening the front door for them. Evan nods at her while they step outside and walk to Zoe’s car.

Zoe plays the same secret playlist on the drive back to Evan’s house, probably in an attempt to keep his spirits high, knowing that he really didn’t want to go home. It works to an extent and keeps Evan’s mind off going home. But he really isn’t thinking about that anyway, and it had nothing to do with the music. He’s focusing on gathering up all his courage and quieting every voice in his head telling him he was about to do something stupid. 

Because when Zoe pulls into his own driveway, he does the scariest thing he’s ever done in his life and leans over and kisses her cheek. 

He doesn’t wait to see her reaction, running out of her car quickly, just in case he’d just made a horrible mistake, ruined everything he’d just been so thankful for. But he does wait by his door like always, watching Zoe’s headlights fade away and she takes longer than normal, but eventually drives off. When Evan can’t see her car anymore, he feels his phone vibrate and when he checks it, it’s a text from Zoe with just one little blushing smiley emoji. 

And Evan just knows he hadn’t ruined anything, but maybe just changed everything. 

==

_Dear Evan Hansen,  
Life at rehab is all right, I guess. I tried yoga and they make me go to ‘sharing circles’ like every night. Some stories people tell could scare you half to death, you’d never guess what some people do for meth. Thanks for every note you send. It’s my little bit of normal in this place. But I’m getting better every day!  
Sincerely, Me _

_Dear Connor Murphy,_  
I’m just glad to be your friend, I think we have a pretty special bond. I hope you get to come home soon. I found this really cool tree and I can’t wait to show you when we can hike again. Maybe we could invite Zoe too? I hope you’re still trying with her. Keep doing your best and just remember all that it takes is a little reinvention.  
Your best friend, Evan 

==

Two weeks go by and things are finally starting to settle at school, no one is really bothering Zoe or Evan about Connor anymore. It’s like nothing happened, like his death didn’t matter anymore because it wasn’t “new”, like Connor Murphy had just disappeared completely. It’s shocking to Evan how people went from talking only about Connor and buying buttons from Jared, to being completely apathetic, not caring at all. 

But it hasn’t really changed Evan and Zoe’s routine that much. They’re still writing emails for Cynthia and Larry, and Evan’s gotten into the habit of rewriting every mean thing Zoe tells him Connor said to her and changing it into something positive about her. Something he liked and was special about her. He also keeps giving her insight on how Connor might have felt, reasons why he did and said the things he had. Zoe knows that Evan doesn’t know for sure and neither of them have proof, but it makes her feel better about everything with Connor, that maybe he didn’t hate her after all, just didn’t know how to express himself honestly to her. 

Evan spends more nights at the Murphy’s than he does at his own house. And his mom never says anything about it, probably because she hadn’t noticed he’d been gone. And it’s not like she asks him in the cumulative 20 minutes she’d talked to him since the Taco Tuesday disaster. But he doesn’t have to worry about that because Cynthia cares about how he’s doing and so does Zoe. Plus, he likes being at the Murphy’s overnight. It meant him and Zoe got to stay up late watching movies together or talking or doing homework together or playing music. Anything they wanted. Things that made both of them happy and feel more carefree than they ever have. Not to mention Cynthia loved to dote on them together, always having this sly smile on her face when she would find them cuddled together on Zoe’s bed or when she’d walk by Zoe’s room and hear them just laughing together. 

Both Larry and Cynthia are enamored by the stories Evan would tell about him and Connor, because they were getting easier and more realistic as time went on. Mostly because they were morphing into stories about Evan and Zoe and the things they’d do together. Evan didn’t really have to guess anymore about the details or wait for Cynthia to unknowingly fill things in for him, because he finally wasn’t lying. Well, he was lying about the stories happening with Connor, but he wasn’t lying about having a friend and what they’d do together, and that was nice. 

Evan’s happier than he’s ever been and he thinks Zoe is too. With everyone leaving them alone at school, there’s not as big of need to hide away in the library (they still do sometimes), but Zoe takes him along to her table with her others friends, holding his hand the whole time. Surprisingly to Evan, Zoe’s friends are quite nice to him, not caring that he didn’t really talk a lot or add to the conversation in any way and only sits quietly next to Zoe. It’s different but he’s starting to get used to it and he thinks her friends are been genuine too because one time one of them waved to him in the hallway without Zoe being there, and he was actually able to wave back to them, and both were firsts for Evan. 

The only thing that’s gotten worse was Jared. He finds a new way to tease Evan every day, his favorite was implying that Connor and he had been secret gay high school lovers and that Evan was just using Zoe to fill the void of his lost romance. And Evan just doesn’t get it. He’s not mad about him insinuating him and Connor were dating (Evan wasn’t homophobic and didn’t think it was something to tease someone else about though), but more so that Jared seemed so insistent now. Going out of his way to talk to him, just to be mean, when he could just leave him alone and hang out with his other friends. Like why waste his time bullying Evan? 

Zoe tells him it’s just because he’s jealous of Evan and their friendship. A friendship that Evan was thinking about maybe turning into a relationship. Him and Zoe held hands a lot and every once in a while would kiss each other’s cheeks. And he’s literally never been happier with anyone than her. He doesn’t feel nearly as anxious as he did when school started, enough so that he’s thinking about not taking his meds anymore, but he’s not sure about that either. But Evan didn’t want to ruin it by overstepping or thinking more into the little sweet actions than there was. It would be devastating to him if he was wrong and lost Zoe. That one fear keeps him from acting out on his feelings. So for now he was just trying to enjoy where him and Zoe were as friends, even if they were probably a little more than that.

And he’s having an excellent day so far, about to leave to go meet Zoe by her car to walk around Ellison before going home, until Alana Beck once more corners him in the hallway. 

“Evan, everybody has forgotten about Connor. A week ago, everyone was wearing those buttons and talking to each other. People who had never even talked to each other before. And now it’s all gone. It’s like nobody here cares about teen suicide anymore. And they don’t care about Connor. You need to do something about it,” Alana tells him fast enough to give Evan a run for his money on anxiety-induced speech patterns. He doesn’t think Alana even took a breath while piling all this information on him. Maybe she was used to having to convey a lot of information before people started to tune out. But Evan’s taken aback and unsure what Alana wants from him so all he manages to say is, “What?”

“You were Connor’s best friend, so it’s your responsibility to make people care. You can’t let this happen to him,” Alana says stubbornly and it’s making Evan anxious. He was shocked yeah, but also kind of happy that people were no longer coming up to him and Zoe, that the insincere fanfare over Connor Murphy was coming to an end. But he clearly couldn’t tell her that, especially when she seemed so passionate about this.

“Um,” Evan is starting to say something when Alana cuts him off saying, “You can’t let people forget about Connor and his story. Maybe you and Zoe could do something for the memorial page. I think she’s the perfect person to get more people interested again.” 

“Um, you want me and Zoe to do something?” Evan asks shakily, not wanting to lump Zoe into something he wasn’t sure she’d want to be a part of. She was working through Connor’s death in her own way and Evan didn’t think making school even harder was part of that way. 

“Yeah, you guys seem pretty close all of a sudden, I don’t see why she can’t help. I think we should add a new section to the website called “The Connor Project” for like vlogs and stuff. Because if you don’t do anything, then no one will remember him. Is that what you want Evan? You want no one to care about what happened to Connor Murphy, your best friend and Zoe’s brother?” Alana questions, stepping closer to Evan and raising her voice, making Evan back into the set of lockers that were behind him. 

Alana is incredibly intimidating to Evan and he’s kind of afraid of what she might do if he doesn’t agree with her so he just nods his head and says, “Okay, I can um, try. And I can try to, um, talk to Zoe about it.” 

“Great. I’m looking forward to hearing your ideas and collaborating with you on this. See you tomorrow Evan, have a nice day,” Alana says courteously, like she was making a business deal with him, then promptly turns and walks away from him. Evan’s kind of surprised that she didn’t try to shake his hand or something similar, because Alana was always acting like everything in her life was like an interview. Always so professional and calculated. Evan supposes it makes sense that she was president of like every club on campus. But he thinks it might be okay if she didn’t try to be the president of everything. She might be less stressed that way.

He thinks about what Alana was proposing on the way to Zoe’s car though. He had been complaining early on that no one was talking about Connor like he died. And died in a very tragic way, that possibly could have been prevented. And Evan knows that Connor wasn’t perfect and shouldn’t necessarily be turned into a martyr for a cause, but did Connor really deserve to just disappear from everyone’s mind? Prove that he’d been right all along thinking that nobody would care if he were gone? That killing himself was his only option? 

Evan used to think that too. Before he became friends with Zoe, he was positive that no one would have cared if he had disappeared, that no one would have noticed if he just never came back to school. People knew Connor’s name through rumors and being a target of bullying, but no one knew Evan. Or at least they didn’t used to.

And he thinks he does actually want to do something about it. Maybe not in the way Alana had in mind, but something. Nobody deserved to just be forgotten, to just disappear. 

==

Evan doesn’t bring up Alana pretty much demanding that they do something for Connor until they’re back from their hike and just hanging out in Zoe’s room again, laying side by side on her bed once more. He wasn’t hiding it from her, but he wanted them to relax from school and he needed a little time to figure out exactly how he wanted to bring it up to Zoe. 

And he hasn’t really figured anything out so he just kind of blurts out, “Um, Alana came up to me at school again. She’s upset that people at school have stopped talking about Connor. She wants us, but mostly me, to do something about it. Like a vlog or club or something called the Connor Project.”

“Can you just tell Alana to fuck off?”, Zoe says to him, kind of annoyed that once again Alana Beck was pushing her way into Zoe’s family’s business. Alana didn’t even know Connor, even if they were lab partners for a semester. Why did she care so much about Zoe’s brother? 

Evan just looks over to Zoe incredulously, because Zoe knew he’d probably never be able to say something like that to Alana. The look on his face makes Zoe chuckle a little and making her say, “Okay so maybe in a nicer way. But still, you don’t have to do anything for Connor, Evan. If Alana wants to that’s on her, but you’re doing enough by helping my parents and by being with me.” 

“Um, Zo, but I was kinda thinking about it, and what, what if this thing wasn’t just about Connor or like for Connor. What if we did something that was more about what he did and why? Connor’s probably not the only kid who thought or thinks it’d be better if they were dead. That the only way they could escape everything was to just not exist anymore,” Evan tells her rolling to sit up, backing up to lean against her headboard and wrapping his arms around himself protectively.

Zoe follows him and sits up moving to sit directly across from Evan, letting her knees touch against his delicately, her mood completely shifted from annoyed to attentive, listening carefully to what Evan was saying. 

“And um, do you ever think that um, maybe Connor didn’t even mean to do it, that maybe he was hoping someone would find him?” Evan asks feeling completely vulnerable about the direction their conversation was headed. 

“You think Connor tried to kill himself multiple times for attention?” Zoe asks, backing up a little from Evan, in complete disbelief that Evan would think something like that. 

“No, no, no. That’s, that’s not what I’m trying to say, not at all. Just um maybe he was looking for a sign or for someone to stop him and when it didn’t happen, when no one found him, maybe he thought it’d just be easier,” Evan tells her, hoping she’d come back to him, that she’d understand that he didn’t think anything like about Connor. And Zoe’s expression softens, and she does move back in a little closer to Evan, grabbing one of his hands, sensing that Evan wasn’t done explaining himself, and he didn’t think that about Connor, not even close. 

“Maybe he thought he wouldn’t be such a burden anymore. That his mom would just be happier without him. That maybe he was just hanging there and then maybe he was just falling, hoping that it’d be over soon,” Evan says sadly, not meeting Zoe’s eyes, looking down at their intertwined hands, letting the tears that seemed to appear from nowhere start to fall. 

It only takes Zoe a couple seconds to understand that Evan may have started off talking about Connor, but he wasn’t anymore. Evan was telling her about something that happened to him under the guise of Connor. And she flashes back to when Evan was saying his mom didn’t care about him then and how he wishes he could have rewritten the story of his fall. Zoe thinks he maybe already has. Every small thing he’d ever said was suddenly clicking into place.

Zoe pulls herself even closer to him, using her other hand to wrap around him, settling on his back, letting his head fall to her shoulder, not at all caring that he was crying into her shirt. She doesn’t quite know how to comfort him properly, but she wants to make sure that she’s not assuming anything, so she asks him softly, “Evan, was your fall really an accident? Did you fall or did you let go?” 

Evan’s fully sobbing now, and Zoe can only think to let go of his hand and wrap him up completely, letting his arms fall to around her waist. Zoe starts gently circling his back with one hand and lets the other come up to his hair, patting it down in what she hopes is a soothing way. 

“It just didn’t seem like anyone would care, like everyone would be better off if I wasn’t there,” Evan says between sobs, letting Zoe comfort him, truly accepting for the first time what he’d attempted to do. Zoe continues her little ministrations, sometimes whispering small words of comfort to him. 

Similar to when Evan had been comforting her, Zoe doesn’t really know how long they’re just sitting there, but she just lets Evan cry, waiting until he was ready to talk again, hoping she was doing the right thing. 

Evan eventually pulls away from her shoulder, eyes red, but a little more determined, telling her over sniffles, “I think Connor felt like me and I don’t want to prove him right or anyone else. I don’t want other kids to think they should let go too. That nobody will find them.” 

Zoe’s nodding along with him, reaching up to wipe away the stray tears from his cheeks, completely on board with whatever Evan was thinking of doing, understanding exactly why he wanted to do something and promising herself she’d do anything to help Evan.

“I don’t think anyone deserves to be forgotten or just like fade away. I was so close to that Zoe, and I probably would have tried again if we hadn’t become friends,” Evan tells her, wondering if that was maybe too far, but he’d already shared so much with her, it didn’t feel right to leave this out, even when Zoe’s voice cracks telling him, “Evan, don’t say that.” 

“But it’s true Zo. And I’m not trying to put all this pressure on you, because I don’t feel like that anymore, only on my darkest days, and even then you’re like this bright shining light in my life, keeping me here. And I think if there’s something we can do, if there’s a way to help other people who feel like me or Connor, we should. Help them see that they matter,” Evan says, using his thumb to wipe away the tiny tears that had escaped from Zoe, feeling better that he was comforting her, something he was used to doing.

“Yeah, I think we could, and we should. And I’m sorry you had to go through that alone Evan. It was bad when I thought it was an accident and with everything you’ve told me about feeling so alone this summer, it makes everything worse. I don’t want you to feel like that ever again,” Zoe tells him, letting her hands drift back to his now that Evan was mostly sitting up. 

“But, um, please don’t tell anyone,” Evan says quietly, even though he kind of just already knows that Zoe wouldn’t. He’d never thought he’d ever be able to tell anyone about this summer, about everything without judgement, without fear of them looking at Evan differently thinking he was damaged or something. He feels deep in his heart that Zoe wasn’t like that. Zoe was someone who he was pretty sure he loved at this point, in every sense of the word. She was someone he trusted completely. 

“Evan, I would never break your trust like that. But please, promise me if you ever feel like that again, come find me. No matter what. Because I care about you so much, and I’m not lying, no matter what your head says, I promise. I would be devastated if you were gone, and I would have been if you never came back to school this year,” Zoe says softly, but honestly, looking Evan in the eye so he’d know she was absolutely serious about what she was saying. 

“Really? You would have noticed that I wasn’t there?” Evan asks, squeezing her hand gently, not thinking that she was lying but still hard-pressed to believe she would have known about a quiet outcast who wasn’t even in her grade. 

“Yeah, um, I’d been trying to think of a way to talk to you since last year and I did on the first day because I had the opportunity. I could go apologize for Connor and then maybe we’d be able to chat for a bit,” Zoe says, telling the story of their first interaction from her perspective, until Evan interrupts her adding, “But then I was super weird and you left.” 

“Evan,” Zoe chides slightly, not for interrupting her, but for calling himself weird again, “No. I thought I was stressing you out and I didn’t want to ruin anything before it started, so I just turned away, thinking I could try again another time, that at least I had introduced myself to you.”

“Even though you told me I wasn’t, I still thought you left because I was creeping you out and making you upset,” Evan tells her shyly, knowing now that wasn’t the case at all, and finally kind of accepting that Zoe was telling him the truth.

“No, I thought most of it was pretty cute, especially ‘No way Jose’,” Zoe giggles a little remembering it, glad neither of them were crying anymore, but still close and still having a very emotional conversation together. Evan is blushing now, squeezing Zoe’s hand, managing to smile just a little bit in response, glad Zoe wasn’t treating him any differently after what he’d told her. 

“Okay, for this Connor Project thing, what if we did like an online forum? A website, separate from Alana’s, that anyone could go to, to talk to people and have a community of support, even if it was small, even if it was just us,” Zoe suggests, steering their conversation back to how it had started, feeling okay about her idea, adding, “And if Alana wants to make it more about Connor she can plan a fundraiser or something.” 

Evan’s eyes are shining, but not with tears, with appreciation and love for the girl right in front of him, and her ability to just understand him in a way that no one else did or tried to do. 

“Zoe, that’s the exact kind of thing I was thinking of. Just a place where people can go to see that they’re not alone, that they matter, and that someone would be upset if they disappeared, even if it was only us. That’s what the Connor Project needs to be.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope the last bit with Evan and Zoe was okay. I feel like it was a little more from Zoe's POV than Evan's because I don't think Evan was really thinking as much as doing, just running on instinct while he was telling Zoe, so I hope it wasn;t terrible to read. Also Evan is real sad about Heidi. 
> 
> Next chapter we have the school assembly and Evan's speech and we all know happens at the end of You Will Be Found. If you were waiting for more Evan/Zoe fluff, don't worry, it's coming :)


	6. I Don't Want No Other Shade Of Blue, But You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan explains his idea for the Connor Project to Alana and Alana organizes a school-wide memorial assembly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi Everyone!! I think this chapter turned out pretty good and there's some super sweet little moments between of course Evan and Zoe, but also Evan and some of the other characters. I think this chapter is like Disappear Part Two and You Will Be Found Part One and those two songs were cool to change into not songs. So I hope you really like it! 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who is reading and following along with this story, it's gotten such a positive response and it truly astounds me. So just thank you to everyone! Happy Reading!

“That’s really good Zo. I like that a lot,” Evan says leaning into her, pointing to where she was arranging “The Connor Project” in big block letter across the side of the pamphlet they were making. They had looked into how to make a website earlier, and they definitely knew they could do it, but first they wanted to organize their thoughts and ideas about the overall mission of the Connor Project. And Evan knew something tangible like a pamphlet would make Alana more likely to listen to him, to go along with what he wanted. 

“Thanks Evan,” Zoe says sweetly, leaning back into him until her head was resting on his chest, propping her laptop precariously on her knees. Evan likes that Zoe’s laying on him and staying closer to him after everything he’d admitted to her earlier, it’s comforting, but her position puts him in an awkward one, because he had no idea where to put his arm. Did he put it around her shoulders, or would she think he was coming on to her and being creepy? Did he keep it at his side and risk Zoe being uncomfortable because his stupid arm was in the way? Did he hold it above her on the headboard? Did other people worry this much about their arms? 

It’s like Zoe could read Evan’s mind, guessing his inner turmoil because she gently takes his arm and lays it across her shoulders, snuggling into him more and smiling up at his blushing face. Zoe looks away from him and back to the computer and Evan just lets himself relax and go with it. Zoe wanted to be close to him and he wanted to be close to her, he didn’t need to think about it any further. Except he does keep thinking about it, but this time he’s consumed with the thought of how perfect Zoe was and how much better he felt about himself, about everything in general, when she was around.

They keep working until it’s pretty late and Evan knows he should go to the guest room soon, but they both keep thinking of more and more ideas, adding them to the pamphlet and the other running list of things to do to get the Connor Project started. And Evan doesn’t want to leave, he wants to stay by Zoe’s side the whole night. He’s so lost in his head thinking about not wanting to leave Zoe, that he doesn’t notice that Zoe’s set her laptop aside and has turned in to face him more, trying to get his attention.

“Ev, Evan,” Zoe starts and keeps saying until Evan looks down at her, blushing again, and says, “Um, Evan, I want you know I’m super on board with the Connor Project and want to help you in every way that I can…” 

Evan just knows there’s a but coming, and he doesn’t have any idea of what Zoe might say. He’s trying his best to keep his thoughts hopeful, ignore the voice in the back of his mind that was trying to sneak in to tell him Zoe was too good to be true, that now is when she gets rid of him, tells him she’s been lying all along about wanting to be around him. He tamps down those thoughts though, determined to let Zoe speak hers, let real life guide his feelings. It couldn’t be that bad, right? 

“But, um, I don’t know if I want to jump back into the spotlight at school. I just started feeling like things were okay again and people have stopped thinking about me as Dead Connor’s little sister. I think it might be better for me to stay behind the scenes, at least for now. Is that okay?” Zoe finishes, looking a little worried that Evan might not think it was a good idea, that he’d want her front and center for a foundation that was going to memorialize her brother. Something probably everyone else would have expected from her.

That was not at all what Evan had anticipated Zoe was going to say, and he’s glad she told him. As much as he wanted this thing, this project that they’d been discussing to be successful, to reach out to people in need, he’d never want that over Zoe’s well-being, her chance to heal in the way that felt right for her. Right now, she was the one who was real, the person who looked out for him and that made her his top priority. So, if all she was asking for was to not be “the face” of the Connor Project, then that was okay. He wanted to look after her too, in any way that he could. 

“Zoe, that’s totally fine. I get that completely. I’m honestly a little scared too. I don’t do good when people look too closely at me, but I’m willing to try. And this is our thing, our idea, and I don’t really want Alana to try and take it over even more. I knew that would mean one or both of us would need to be upfront, and it can be me. I can do that for us. I’ll do anything that makes you feel okay,” Evan tells her, completely serious. He was actually scared out of his mind of what Alana might want him to do, knowing she’d already mentioned vlogs and videos, and various social media accounts. But none of that mattered if their actual goal was met. If him and Zoe were able to help people, then it didn’t matter who did what. 

Zoe smiles at him again, curling into his side as Evan unconsciously pulls her closer, telling him, “Thank you Evan. And seriously I’ll do anything to help. I’ll be there for you the whole way.” 

“I know,” Evan responds quietly, even though he’d just doubted her not even a minute ago, but he just kind of knows that was only his anxiety talking. Zoe’s proven time and time again that she would be there for him, that she wasn’t going anywhere. And he loves her for that, for the sense of security she brought him, giving him the ability to actually tell his anxiety to fuck off. 

“I don’t feel tired, but I don’t think my brain can handle anymore Connor Project stuff, want to just watch a movie?” Zoe asks, already grabbing her laptop again and setting it between them and laying back against Evan once more. 

“Yeah sounds great,” Evan tells her, adjusting both of them to lay down a little more, making it easier to see Zoe’s laptop and totally not because it was easier to cuddle. Nope, that was not Evan’s intention at all, not even as his casted arm drifts towards her and Zoe does that cute pinky holding again. 

About 20 minutes into the movie, both of them are completely passed out, and Zoe has turned in to face Evan, their hands no longer together, but draped across each other. And that’s how Cynthia finds them on her nightly check-in, something she’d started doing after Connor, making sure Zoe was safe and sound. And Cynthia knows she should wake up Evan and make him go to his guest room, but both of them look so innocent and child-like sleeping snuggled into each other so Cynthia just lets it happen. They weren’t doing anything but comforting each other, and Cynthia knows that both of them needed it. She moves Zoe’s laptop and covers them with the throw at the end of Zoe’s bed, turning the light out as she left, thankful that at one point her son had Evan and now her daughter did too. 

==

Evan wakes up before his alarm which is odd, but he doesn’t really think anything of it. He slept really well, and he can’t figure out why. Maybe he was so emotionally exhausted from yesterday that his brain just needed a night without more anxiety. Or maybe it’s because Zoe’s right next to him, close enough that her hair is kind of tickling his face, and his arm is wrapped tightly around her waist. That could have something to do with how he slept. Because now that he’s awake, he feels all warm and tingly, a truly wonderful feeling, one that only came when Zoe was near. And he definitely wants to wake up like this more often, every day if he could. 

But then Zoe starts to stir, and Evan panics. He doesn’t want her to wake up and think he did this on purpose. That he was touching her without her consent or like trying to make her cuddle with him or something. So as best as he can without fully waking Zoe, he moves his arm off her and rolls away a little bit, putting just enough distance between them to not seem weird. But he can’t help but think it was cute that they gravitated towards each last night, without even knowing it. 

Soon both Evan’s and Zoe’s alarms are going off and it completely wakes Zoe up and Evan thinks it’s pretty funny how Zoe groans and flaps her arm around looking for her phone. Zoe truly can’t seem to find the source of her blaring alarm, so Evan decides to just reach over her and grab her phone, silencing the alarm. With the sound now gone, Zoe immediately tries to go back to sleep and Evan just starts laughing at how adorable Zoe is first thing in the morning. 

Evan thinks she probably needs to get up if they both wanted to get to school on time, knowing that Zoe drove both of them in, so Evan gently starts to shake her shoulder in an attempt to wake her. 

“Evvvvaann, noooo,” Zoe whines, rolling away from him and snuggling back into her pillow. 

“C’mon Zo, we have to go to school,” Evan says lightly, still thinking Zoe waking up might be the cutest thing he’s ever seen. 

“Nooo, I wanna stay here with you,” Zoe says slowing starting to blink her eyes open, clearly not as panicked as Evan was that they had fallen asleep together, rolling back to him, flinging her arm back across his waist. 

Evan can’t really argue with her on that one, so he gives up on trying to wake Zoe up fully, and just lays back down with her, smiling at her antics. A couple minutes go by and Evan is almost positive that Zoe has fallen back asleep when Cynthia comes in, knocking on the door saying, “Zoe, Evan, you need to get up or you’ll be late for school. I’m serious!” 

“Ugh,” Zoe complains, but finally gets up, pulling Evan along with her. Evan’s not really sure what he should do next because whenever he sleeps over, he’s always in the guest room and just gets ready on his own before joining Zoe and her family downstairs for breakfast. He obviously knows he needs to leave her room, but does he just walk out? Does he wait for Zoe to tell him to leave? If he waited too long, was she going to think he was trying to watch her change or something weird like that? 

Evan’s just shifting back and forth nervously, truly not sure what to do to just seem normal, so he waits for Zoe to make a decision for him, which she does by grabbing his hand, squeezing it gently, saying still a little sleepy, “Ev, it’s okay. You can go get ready in your room. I’ll meet you downstairs.” 

Evan squeezes her hand back and smiles at her, nodding his head before dropping her hand and turning to leave her room. Evan gets ready quickly not even stopping to think that Cynthia had started just putting some of his clothes in the dresser, adding things that might have either been Connor’s or possibly new, he wasn’t sure. It made it easier for him to stay over, not having to worry about packing new clothes every night or anything else. Cynthia had even put a toothbrush in the bathroom for him, supplying him with everything he needed to feel like part of the family. 

Evan meets Zoe downstairs and they sit at the table eating breakfast casually, listening to Cynthia and Larry chatter on. And Evan’s noticed over the weeks that his appetite is back too, making it easy to eat in the morning again and at lunch, especially when Cynthia made him and Zoe identical lunches to bring to school, sometimes leaving little notes in them too. It made him feel special, like Cynthia cared about him, unlike his own mom, whose only notes said “Won’t be home tonight” or “I left money for delivery”. 

When they get to school Evan and Zoe separate for the morning, promising to meet up again at lunch after Evan told Alana about the new Connor Project. He was worried about talking to Alana again, but he was confident that his and Zoe’s idea was a good one. And honestly if Alana didn’t like it, she didn’t need to be a part of it (and Evan was secretly hoping she wouldn’t want to, letting him and Zoe control the whole thing). But Alana did run a lot of clubs and would probably be really helpful getting everything up and running, so Evan’s just mostly hoping for a nice medium ground. An Alana that was helpful and on board with the objective, and not overly controlling. 

Evan finds Alana easily in the hallway, hanging up flyers for what looked like several different organizations she was part of. He calls out to her timidly, “Hey Alana. I um, I have an idea for the Connor Project. A way to show that everybody should matter, that everybody is important.” 

Alana turns from the bulletin board, giving Evan her full attention, waiting for him to continue, then when he doesn’t, prompting him, “Okay, so what is it?”

“Oh yeah, um, here,” Evan says, shakily handing her the pamphlet him and Zoe had made last night, that he’d printed off during third period. 

Evan watches nervously as Alana looks over it, reading every single word, taking in every detail, just like Evan thought she would. He can’t tell what Alana’s thinking, so he reverts to picking at his nails, no longer picking at his cast, because he always had it covered. 

“Evan, I really like this. This is exactly what this school needs. This is what so many people need right now. But I think we could do more. We can pull the school in and do a big memorial assembly with students talking all about what Connor meant to them. We can have an account on every social media platform, so anyone can connect with the Project at any time. I think we’ll need to do a pretty ambitious fundraising program as well. Just to put ourselves out there and get started,” Alana says, going on and listing more and more things she wanted to add to Zoe and Evan’s main idea and Evan is starting to get overwhelmed. This was exactly what he didn’t want by including Alana. Maybe Zoe had been right, and he should have just told her to leave them alone. Maybe him and Zoe should have done this on their own. 

“And I’d love to be vice president,” Alana finally finishes with, not caring that Evan was clearly still trying to process everything she had just listed off as “improvements”. 

“Vice president?”, Evan questions, not thinking that they were going to have official roles like that. He didn’t really see this as something to boost his college application, he didn’t need to have a title to want to be involved. 

“You’re right Evan, we should be co-presidents,” Alana says, not understanding that Evan wasn’t offering her a higher “position” but questioning the need for them to begin with. Evan just nods his head along with her, figuring that just letting Alana call herself whatever she wanted was going to be easier than talking her down from it. And Alana keeps talking at her super sonic pace, with Evan trying super hard to catch everything she was saying, focusing so hard that he doesn’t notice Jared Kleinman coming up to them, worming his way into their conversation. 

“Are you guys starting a new club or something? Something to do with Connor Murphy? Can I help?” Jared asks, sounding somewhat sincere, but Evan didn’t believe him. Jared had spent the last couple weeks teasing him about his and Connor’s “friendship” and spent the time when Connor had been alive teasing him about everything. There was no way Jared genuinely wanted to contribute to this. 

“Well, what qualifications do you have?” Alana asks like she was interviewing him, even though there wasn’t a position up for grabs. And she obviously doesn’t notice the way Evan was panicking, knowing that Jared’s involvement would somehow derail all the good he was trying to do. 

“I’m good with tech stuff. There’s a reason I was the only CIT with key card access to the computer cluster this summer. I have skills,” Jared says arrogantly, but apparently not enough for Alana to see as a red flag, because before Evan can argue, tell Alana that they didn’t need Jared for the Connor Project, that they had everything under control, she’s agreeing, saying, “You can be treasurer or secretary, maybe the technical co-producer, but unfortunately the co-president position has been filled.” 

“Well, shit, that’s the one I was gunning for,” Jared says sarcastically, rolling his eyes, but clearly happy that Alana had said yes, adding, “Do you think I could start selling buttons again? Sales have really dipped in the last week.” 

“Sure Jared. That’s an excellent fundraising idea,” Alana says not seeing Jared’s face fall when he realized Alana didn’t want him to keep the profit, because she was turning back to Evan, who was feeling absolutely unnerved at the idea of Jared being part of the Connor Project, asking, “So what’s Zoe going to do?” 

Evan’s taken aback by the question, somewhat forgetting that Alana had originally wanted Zoe to be a big element of this too, telling her, “Um, Zoe, Zoe doesn’t really want to be a part of this. She likes the idea, but would rather stay, um, stay out of it all.” 

“That’s really weird, she should want to be a huge part of this, Connor was her brother. Does she not even care that’s he gone?” Alana asks, crossing her arms clearly annoyed that Evan hadn’t reported to her how much Zoe wanted to help. 

Evan’s actually getting mad at Alana, with her tone and expectation that Zoe would want to be a part of this. She didn’t know a single thing about Zoe or her tumultuous relationship with Connor. She doesn’t know how hard it’s been for Zoe the last couple of weeks, trying to deal with everything. Zoe was doing her best and he wasn’t going to let Alana talk about her like that. 

“You don’t know how she’s dealing with everything. Don’t ever say Zoe doesn’t care about Connor. Leave her alone,” Evan says tersely, looking directly at Alana and seeing how shocked she was that Evan had talked back to her. 

“Look at Acorn, sticking up for his girlfriend,” Jared adds jokingly, reminding Evan that he was there, something that Evan had somehow forgotten in his anger with Alana. 

“She’s, um, she’s not my girlfriend Jared,” Evan says sheepishly to Jared before turning back to Alana and adding, “I asked her like you wanted and she said she’d rather stay out of it. You need to respect that Alana.” 

Alana looks adequately scolded, clutching onto the pamphlet Evan had given her, saying, “Fine. But we need to talk to Mr. and Mrs. Murphy too. Make sure that they’re going to give their full support for this. I can reach out to them on behalf of the Connor Project and let you guys know when they’re available.” 

Alana turns and walks away from them and Evan quickly does the same, not wanting to stick around so Jared could make fun of him anymore than he already had. When Evan’s alone, walking to go find Zoe, he gets a weird feeling in his stomach, it was like his regular anxiety, but somehow worse. He really hopes it wasn’t a mistake letting Alana bet a part of this, thereby letting Jared be a part of it too. He really did want to do a good thing, the same reason he’d told his initial lie. To help people. People who were sad and had nothing else. But maybe if he clung to that, kept that reason in the forefront of everyone’s mind it would be okay. He could help continue to steer Alana from being too ambitious, keeping their goal clear. All he wanted to do was help people in a way that he couldn’t and would never be able to do for Connor. 

==

Once again Alana is completely dominating the conversation they were trying to have with Mr. and Mrs. Murphy about the Connor Project. She keeps cutting him off, explaining more and more about these ideas she had that were not what Evan and Zoe had in mind. And Evan selfishly wishes Zoe were here, knowing she stand up for him, but she had started going back to band last week, and Evan knows she was happy about that. But that left him alone with the likes of Jared and Alana. 

“The Connor Project?” Cynthia asks slowly, letting herself get used to the idea of having something named for and about her son. But ultimately a good thing, something that might change the way most people remembered Connor.

“It’ll mostly be an online thing, a place for people to connect,” Evan starts quietly, looking up at Cynthia from his place curled into the couch, before Alana cuts him off again saying, “They’ll be links to educational materials on the site, but we mostly want to have a big social media presence.”

“And we’re going to do fundraisers and other stuff,” Jared adds, once again reminding Evan that he was there, and adding to his discomfort. Evan just had a bad feeling in general about Jared being involved, even though he hadn’t done anything yet, besides his regular amount of teasing. It was just weird to Evan that he wanted to be a part of something with two people he claimed weren’t his friends for someone he had made fun of on the day he killed himself. And Evan didn’t think Jared was feeling remorseful about it either, or else he would’ve been nicer to Evan and not sold those buttons, right? 

“And for the kickoff event, an all-school memorial assembly next week. Students, teachers whoever wants to, they can get up and talk about Connor, about his legacy,” Alana adds, not seeing the look of disbelief Cynthia and Larry were sharing between each other. 

Cynthia looks over to Evan, noticing his lack of involvement, and timid positioning on the couch (she had gotten used to him coming out of his shell the last couple weeks with them, always chatting and laughing with Zoe in her room, talking with them easily about him and Connor and their adventures), saying, “I just don’t know what to say. Evan, do you want to help me in the kitchen, grab some snacks and tea maybe? So we can all keep chatting?” 

Evan nods his head and follows Cynthia, listening as Alana awkwardly told Larry about her and Connor during their tenth grade English class. And Evan doesn’t have to see Larry to know he was disapproving of this story. Larry was nice to him, but he was pretty strait-laced and probably didn’t want to hear about Connor calling a _Huck Finn_ “Fuck Finn” in front of the class. 

When they get in the kitchen, Cynthia immediately turns to him, concerned, and asks, “Evan, dear are you okay? You don’t seem like yourself.” 

“Um, the Connor Project was really my idea and a lot of the things Alana is describing is not what I had in mind,” Evan tells her truthfully, his tone a little sad, knowing he wasn’t really going to have his and Zoe’s idea come to life in the way they had imagined. 

“Well, what did you have in mind?” Cynthia questions him softly, stepping in towards him, and pulling him into a motherly hug. 

Evan pulls away after a second of seeking comfort from Cynthia to look up and tell her, “I just wanted a place where people could find each other. An online community or forum where people could connect. So that nobody felt like they could flicker out or fade away, completely forgotten and that no one would care. Because I hate that Connor felt like that. I cared. You and Larry and Zoe all cared. His family cared and he just didn’t know,” Evan says, unable to keep himself from getting a little teary-eyed. 

“Oh Evan,” Cynthia starts, pulling him back in, rubbing his arm back and forth soothingly, telling, “It’s a wonderful idea and I think those things will happen, even if Alana and Jared are getting a little carried away with excitement right now.” 

“You think so?” Evan asks pulling away from Cynthia’s hug completely. 

“Absolutely Evan,” Cynthia says, giving his arm one last squeeze, getting a small smile from Evan, adding, “Now I made up some snacks on the tray in the fridge, you can grab that and I’ll bring the tea pitcher.” 

Evan listens to Cynthia, feeling a little better that maybe everything Alana was proposing wasn’t going to happen, that she was just excited and dreaming big. That his and Zoe’s dream that was perfectly reasonable might come true still. 

When Evan comes back into the living room, carrying the tray of assorted snacks, Evan finds that Zoe’s gotten home and was being cornered into a conversation with Jared while Alana talked on to Larry (who had started going through emails on his phone), and Evan immediately knows Zoe’s uncomfortable. She looks to him, thankful he was back, clearly looking for his help in escaping Jared. Evan immediately sets the tray down and stands in between them, close enough to Zoe that their arms were touching, keeping Jared away from coming any closer to her. 

Evan starts glaring at Jared, taking a half step in front of Zoe saying, “Jared, go get some snacks or something. Quit bothering Zoe.” 

“We were just talking, but whatever be possessive of your girlfriend. She’ll get over you soon enough,” Jared retorts haughtily, turning away from both of them to go accept a glass of tea from Cynthia. 

“Don’t listen to him Ev, he’s just mad because I was this close to stomping on his foot before you came, seriously, if my parents weren’t in the room,” Zoe says shaking her head, finally getting a chance to set her guitar down and lean into Evan a little bit. 

“No, I know. He’s been saying stuff like that to me for weeks,” Evan tells her, knowing that Zoe would understand that he wasn’t being possessive, nor did he consider her his girlfriend. Right now she was his best friend and Zoe knew that.

“God, please tell me he’s not going to be part of the Connor Project,” Zoe says, rolling her eyes at the way Jared continually tried to be mean to Evan. She also didn’t know why Jared just wouldn’t leave him alone. She thought it was because he was jealous, and she was pretty positive that was the case, but she was also starting to notice that Jared didn’t really hang out with anyone at school either, she only ever saw him with Evan. 

“Yeah Alana let him before I could say anything,” Evan starts, about to tell her about everything that had happened at lunch and when she’d been in band, when Alana realizes that Zoe’s in the room, turning to her and saying, “Zoe! For the big assembly, maybe you could get the jazz band to perform or maybe you could do something on your own.” 

Zoe looks stunned by Alana’s suggestion, knowing that she didn’t really want to do either of those things, but both her parents were looking at her expectedly, so she just mumbles, “Oh. Yeah, maybe.” 

Zoe’s lackluster response seems to be enough for Alana, making her turn back to the Murphy’s, but it makes Evan annoyed and slightly angry at Alana again. He specifically told her that Zoe didn’t want to be a part of this and to leave her alone and Alana just disregarded that completely, making Zoe uncomfortable in her own home. And Evan kind of figured now that Cynthia and Larry had heard the suggestion, they were going to encourage Zoe to do it, and Evan kind of hates that. 

But finally after like thirty more minutes of Jared and Alana continuing to give these wild ideas to Cynthia and Larry about the Connor Project while Zoe and Evan hang in the background, they leave and Evan and Zoe can go up to her room to be alone. Evan is thankful they’ve gone, and he can relax a little more. It was exhausting trying to constantly rein in some of the things Alana was suggesting in addition to warding off Jared’s mean comments about him, Connor, and Zoe. 

“Hey Zo, I’m sorry about Alana and the jazz band thing. I told her you didn’t want to be a part of this. You don’t have to ask or do anything like perform. I can’t believe she did that,” Evan tells her apologetically, lacing her hand into his. 

“Oh, it’s okay Ev. I figured you didn’t have a part in all that. And I mean I might do something with jazz band, because I won’t do anything alone, that’s for sure. Sometimes it’s easier to blend into to the ensemble,” Zoe tells him, tugging him along to sit on her bed. 

“Um, only if you want to though. You don’t have to,” Evan says squeezing her hand gently, moving them up towards the headboard, letting his body relax as Zoe tucked herself into his side like normal. 

“I know, and I’m glad you’ll always be on my side,” Zoe tells him sweetly, letting go of his hand for a second to grab her laptop, asking, “You want to finish that movie before dinner? I can’t believe we both fell asleep last night.” 

Zoe’s question about the movie throws Evan for a loop as he remembers that they slept together in the same bed last night, all cuddled up, and Evan hadn’t even worried about it all day. Looked too deep into what it could’ve meant or what Zoe thought about it. It just happened and yeah, he was slightly panicked this morning, but after they’d woken up and were fine, he hadn’t thought about it all. Somehow being that affectionate with Zoe had become so normal to him, that his anxiety didn’t set off his alarm bells, making him spin all day long. 

“Yeah, we’ve must have been a lot more tired than we thought,” Evan says kind of awkwardly, thinking about how he hadn’t thought about sleeping with Zoe making him kind of nervous all of a sudden, but also that same warm feeling he had when he woke up was back. And the combination of the two was making him hope that it would happen again, but only if Zoe wasn’t weirded out by it. 

And by the way she brings her laptop back and lays her head on Evan’s chest just like last night, Evan doesn’t think she’s weirded out at all. Maybe Zoe wanted the same things as him. Maybe she was having the same mixes of emotions and just handling them better than him. 

But Zoe starts the movie and Evan can feel her relax against him, and he just lets all of his stress about Jared and Alana, and the Connor Project, and whatever him and Zoe were to each other, melt away.

==

It’s the day before the Connor Project memorial assembly and Evan should have never thought that Alana wasn’t completely serious about everything she wanted for it. She had created an account on every platform Evan knew about, and even some that he didn’t. She had gotten the whole school involved for tomorrow, distributing new pamphlets that her and Jared had made rather than the ones him and Zoe had made. It was kind of overwhelming, but people were sort of interested so Evan thought that was pretty exciting. And he didn’t have to do much for tomorrow, mostly stand next to Alana while she talked, an added benefit that Evan hadn’t anticipated. 

But Evan was absolutely adamant that the actual Connor Project website, the one with the forum to talk to people, was going to be his responsibility (and Zoe’s, but Alana didn’t need to know that). Alana had all the credentials to log in and everything, to post updates and change the layout and whatever. But Evan didn’t care too much about that stuff, he wanted to reply to people and monitor the forum to see what was going on. Only a few people so far had posted anything, but Evan responded and showed Zoe too, getting her advice before writing them back. He was glad that some people were using the site, connecting with others, even if it was just a couple people. And Alana seems okay with this arrangement because she didn’t really think that the main page was that important, that the social media platforms were going to be more popular. 

And Evan’s just hanging out in Zoe’s room, replying to a new message while Zoe went to the bathroom, when Cynthia comes in and sits next to Evan on Zoe’s bed, making him set his laptop aside for a moment, not wanting to be rude. 

“Evan, I’m glad I caught you before you went home. I wanted you to have this, for tomorrow at the assembly, for your speech,” Cynthia says handing Evan a very expensive looking tie. 

“What?” Evan asks, confused as to what Cynthia was talking about. He wasn’t giving a speech. The closest he was getting to the stage tomorrow was during introductions when Alana was talking. He couldn’t give a speech in front of everyone. Last time he gave a speech Jared had told him it looked like he had a brain aneurysm and that was just his English class. He couldn’t do that again. Especially not with the whole school watching. 

“Well Alana said that anyone who wanted to would have a chance to say something tomorrow. I think we all assumed that you would be the first to sign up,” Cynthia tells him, watching Evan thumb across the tie nervously. She had truly thought as Connor’s best friend that Evan would want to say something, tell everyone how wonderful Connor had been, the way he had been telling them for the last couple of weeks. 

“I don’t, um, well the thing is just, I don’t do very well with um, public speaking. I’m not very good at it and I would just ruin the whole thing. And I don’t want that,” Evan says embarrassed, setting the tie beside him and looking away from Cynthia, adding, “And, um, everyone would just laugh at me, and I don’t want that to overshadow everything that we’re trying to do.” 

“Evan, it would mean so much to me, to Larry, and even to Zoe. We want to hear from you, I promise it’ll be okay if you spoke tomorrow,” Cynthia says softly, patting Evan gently on the shoulder, trying to convey that she really did think it was a good idea. 

“Really?” Evan asks, daring to look back up at her, still not sold that it was a good idea for him to say anything at all. He knew all he was supposed to do was stand while Alana talked, but now with the thought of giving his own speech, even that was sounding impossible. Once everyone saw who Evan Hansen was, there was no way they were going to want anything to do with the Connor Project. They would reject it the same way they’d rejected him for years.

“Yeah, and maybe we can do something after the assembly. You, me, Larry, and Zoe. How does that sound?” Cynthia asks, voice hopeful that she was convincing Evan that it would be okay, that he could do it. Evan’s never had someone encourage him like this. Show him wholeheartedly that they believed in him. Well, maybe Zoe, but no adult. Not someone who felt like a mom to him, who treated him like a son. Someone who very clearly loved him. 

“You know Evan,” Cynthia starts again, moving her hand up from his shoulder to pat down his hair lovingly, “When Connor was in seventh grade, all my girlfriends said, ‘here come’s bar mitzvah season’. That Connor would be at a different party every Saturday. So I took him to get all these suits, different shirts and ties, the whole thing. And then he didn’t get invited to a single one. He never got a chance to wear that tie.” 

Evan looks up to Cynthia and sees the tears welling in her eyes, the same color as Zoe’s when she cried, and Evan doesn’t know if it’ll make her feel better, but he says, “Um, me and Connor weren’t really friends in seventh grade, but um, I would have invited him to my bar mitzvah. I didn’t even want to have one, but my mom made me. She handled all the planning and stuff, only knowing the kids from temple to invite. And then no one came. It was just me, my mom, and the rabbi. I wish I knew Connor better then; I know he would’ve come.” 

Both Evan and Cynthia are sitting away from the door, so they don’t notice Zoe hovering in the doorway of her own room, listening to Evan talk about his bar mitzvah. And she does think that a 12-year-old Connor would have gone to Evan’s party. He would have been so excited that someone had invited him. Zoe might have been younger, but she knew that Connor didn’t go to birthday parties like she did, going with their mom to pick out presents and gift wrap. And she knows for sure that little Connor would have dragged along an 11-year-old her, and honestly, she probably would have been excited too. To get an invite to an older classman’s party was cool, even in middle school. 

And she absolutely hates that Evan has been alone for so long and her brother too. The way things could have turned out so differently if they’d gone to Evan’s 13th birthday party. That her and Connor could have been there for Evan. That Evan could have been there for Connor, for real. Their whole lives could have been completely different. 

“Just think about it, Evan,” Cynthia tells him, getting up and giving his head one final pat before turning and noticing Zoe in the doorway for the first time. 

Cynthia walks over and hugs her gently, saying, “I’m looking forward to hearing you play tomorrow with the band too sweetie.” 

And Zoe’s a little shocked as Cynthia walks out of her room. It’s the first time her mom has ever said anything like that before. It was normally a struggle to get either of her parents to anything that she did, which is why she thought it was so sweet that Evan would come to hear her play. She wasn’t used to it and it gives her this little swelling of happiness, of something to look forward to tomorrow. Something that made her feel a little better about agreeing to play with the jazz band. Maybe tomorrow would be a good day for everyone.

Zoe walks over and sits down where Cynthia once was, but sits a lot closer to Evan, grabbing his hand as soon as she notices that Evan probably didn’t think tomorrow would be a good day at all.

“Zo, now I have to give a speech tomorrow. Your parents are expecting it and I can’t let them down. I don’t have anything prepared; I don’t know what to say,” Evan tells her, suddenly finding it hard to breathe normally, and he knows that Zoe can feel his hand shaking. 

Zoe tries to start saying something, something to hopefully reassure Evan, but he keeps talking, his pace getting faster and faster, “And everyone is going to laugh at me like they did when I tried to give that oral report about Daisy Buchannan last year, and I just froze and my mouth was opening and closing, but I wasn’t saying anything, and Jared kept telling me that I looked like a dead goldfish for two weeks. And I don’t want people to think that the Connor Project is a joke because of me. Because I’m involved with it. I’m going to mess everything up tomorrow and then Alana will hate me, and your parents are going to be so disappointed that they believed in me and it wasn’t worth it. That I’m not worth it. And then everything will come tumbling down all around me.” 

“Hey, hey. Evan, breathe. C’mon breathe with me, nice and slow,” Zoe says interrupting Evan’s spiral to try and help him, breathing in deeply and exhaling slowly, giving Evan something to follow while she placed her other hand on his back. This wasn’t like when Evan was telling her about his fall or when she picked him up after Heidi had forgotten about dinner with him. She didn’t know if just being there, holding him would be enough to help calm him down this time. 

But Evan’s trying, trying to match her breathing, and trying to meet her gaze, but looking away often, but still letting Zoe guide him. And Zoe thinks she’s doing an okay job of helping Evan, gently rubbing circles onto his back, and squeezing his hands in the intervals that she was exhaling with. 

Zoe doesn’t stop even when she feels Evan’s breathing start to even out, doing even more by kissing his temple gently, in what she hopes is soothing to Evan’s panic, not adding to it. And when she feels like Evan wasn’t going to get any worse, she tells him, “It’ll be okay Evan. If you don’t want to, you don’t have to. My parents won’t hate you; I promise. But if you think you have to, it’ll be okay because I’ll help you.” 

“Y-you will?” Evan manages to ask quietly, still gasping just a little, and feeling worse that Zoe had to keep dealing with his anxiety attacks all the time. She shouldn’t have to constantly calm him down. He was seventeen and he should have a grip on his anxiety. Maybe he would if he actually participated in therapy, but he hated therapy. All Dr. Sherman did was make him write dumb letters and talk about him to his mom, both of them plotting about when he’d be gone. He wonders if Zoe thinks about when he’ll be gone too, when she won’t have to deal with this anymore. 

But he stops thinking that when he looks up at her, and just sees the way she was looking back at him. Like she’d do anything to make sure he was okay, like she maybe loved him in a way no one else ever would. And if that was as a friend or more, Evan didn’t really know or care. 

“Of course I will. We can write it tonight and when you’re up there, don’t look at anybody but me. I’ll be right there, and it’ll be like no one else matters. You can just speak to me, like we’re the only two people in the room, it’ll just be us and only us. Do you think you could maybe do that?” Zoe says softly, wiping away the stray tear that Evan hadn’t known had fallen. 

“Yeah, I think I could do that,” Evan tells her, letting go of her hand to wrap his arms around her in a crushing hug, hoping to convey his thanks for her from one simple action.

Zoe squeezes him just as fervently, whispering into his ear, “Good things are going to happen tomorrow, you’ll see Ev. We’re starting something that’s going to be good. It’s going to help so many people.” 

And Evan really hopes she’s right. 

==

Zoe adjusts Evan’s tie for the hundredth time because he kept untying it, only to retie it the exact same way. Zoe thought it was pretty cute, but she knew he was only doing it because he was incredibly nervous. But they had practiced his speech so many times the night before and this morning. Evan could do it; he just needed a little encouragement. 

“Evan, you look really nice,” Zoe tells him, blushing a little. She never really complimented him on his appearance, not that she didn’t always think he looked nice, but she usually had less superficial things to compliment him on, like how sweet he was or how much she liked his photography or essays, other things. Evan gives her a small smile in return, a light blush emerging on his cheeks too, so Zoe keeps going, telling him, “And I’m really proud of you. You’re going to do so, so good Ev. And remember I’ll be sitting right there in the front row, as long as you just talk to me everything will be okay.” 

“Thanks Zoe,” Evan says shakily, knowing he had to go on stage soon to start the assembly with Alana. He was the first one speaking and he hated that, but Alana had insisted once she found out he was going to give a speech. And then the jazz band was performing last, so it’s not like he was going to get the chance to be immediately calmed afterwards by being able to focus on Zoe playing. He would have to just go off stage and wait, wondering what everyone thought about him. 

Zoe kisses his cheek (just for good luck) and squeezes his hand one last time before leaving to find her seat in the front row, and Evan has a tiny glimmer of hope that everything would be okay. Zoe had a tendency to make him believe in the best outcomes, and he was really hoping this would be one of them. 

“Are you ready Evan? This is it!” Alana says excitedly, appearing from nowhere, standing beside him in the wings of the stage, listening as Principle Howard got the crowd to quiet down. Evan was decidedly not as excited as Alana, he for sure felt like he was going to throw up. Probably all over the stage. And that would just be horrifying. 

“Let’s welcome the co-presidents of the Connor Project, the organizers of this event, Alana Beck and Evan Hansen,” Mr. Howard says, beckoning for them to come on stage and take his place by the podium, and Evan hesitantly follows Alana out into the spotlight. The crowd is hardly clapping, but Alana is launching into her introduction speech like she’d just won a Grammy or something. 

And Evan is using the time that Alana’s talking to search through the front row, looking for Zoe. But he can’t find her. Where was she? The lights were so much brighter than Evan thought and it’s making it hard for him to see any of the audience. But he needed Zoe, he wouldn’t be able to do this without her. Where was she? 

He’s sure he’s squinting and looking like a total weirdo in an attempt to find Zoe and he wonders if she knows he can’t find her. But he doesn’t have any time to think more about it because he hears Alana say, “The first person talking today is Connor’s best friend Evan Hansen,” and he has no choice but to start. 

Evan shakily walks to the podium and tries to grab his notecards out of his pocket but struggles with his hands shaking so badly. He glances around to find Alana at least, but she’s gone too, leaving Evan alone on this vast stage, illuminated by the shining lights for everyone to see. He’s terrified but knows he has to say something, so he looks down at his notecards, reading straight from them, “Good morning, students and faculty. I would um, I would just like to say a few words about, um, about…my best friend…Connor Murphy.” 

That wasn’t too bad, Evan had managed to get through the first sentence, and he pauses in an attempt to again find Zoe, but he’s met only with bright lights hiding her from his view. So he looks back to his notecard continuing to read from it, his pace getting faster and faster, “I’d like to tell you about a day that me and Connor went to the old Autumn Smile Apple Orchard. We um, Connor, um, liked trees. And we were um, standing under this tree and Connor wondered what the world would like from all the way up there. So we decided to find out. And then we started climbing higher and higher. And then I looked up and um Connor, he was, he was smiling at me, like he always did. And then well, um, I fell.” 

And Evan looks up again from his notecards, and he wishes he hadn’t because the audience is still so massive and dark and he still can’t find Zoe and it’s making his palms sweaty. He tries to wipe them on his shirt, but it’s hard with his notecards and cast, and it’s making him flustered, but he remembers the next line on his own, saying, “I lay there on the ground, and um…” 

He knows he’s supposed to talk about Connor coming to get him, the same thing he’d told Cynthia and Larry weeks and weeks ago, but he can’t remember and he doesn’t want to mess up this story, so he looks back to his notecards, reading again, “Good morning students and faculty.” 

No, that wasn’t right. That was from the first card. Evan realizes when he was wiping his hands somehow his cards got out of order, because of course they did. First Evan can’t find Zoe, and now his speech is all messed up, so he frantically tries to put them back in order, but he doesn’t know where they go, and he can feel the eyes of all the students on him even though he can’t see them. And then he starts to hear faint laughing from the audience, and it makes him even more flustered, because he just knew this was a bad idea from the start. He shouldn’t have tried to do anything but watch from the wings. He shouldn’t have even tried to start something like this, knowing that he’d ruin it immediately. 

But he keeps trying to rearrange his cards anyways, hoping maybe he could finish quickly and just be done, but then he drops them all over the stage. They’re scattered everywhere and he rushes to pick them up, crouching down as the laughter that was once faint was now becoming louder and louder and Evan doesn’t know if it’s real or he’s imagining it. 

But somehow, by some grace of god, in his position on his knees scrambling to collect his cards, he can see Zoe. And she wasn’t laughing at him. She was looking up at him, still so proud even though Evan knew he was blowing it. Ruining everything they’d practiced. 

And when he stands back up, he can still see her, like someone had fixed the horrible lighting from the stage and Zoe calms him down. And he remembers what she said to him. _Just talk to me Evan. It’ll be like it’s only us_. 

So he starts again, disregarding his notecards completely, talking just to Zoe, “Have you ever felt like nobody was there? Have you ever felt forgotten in the middle of nowhere? That if you were to fall, no one would hear? That’s how I felt when I fell, but then, see the thing was, Connor was there when I looked up. That’s the gift that he gave to me. To show me that I wasn’t alone, that I mattered, that everybody matters. Every person who feels so alone, thinking that nobody would come for them, they will. That’s the gift Connor gave all of us. And I really do wish we could have given that to him.” 

Zoe’s watching Evan, meeting his gaze and she knows he talking to just to her, about her. He might have been saying Connor’s name, but she knew. 

“He made that lonely feeling wash away, gave me a reason to just believe that everything would be okay. That I didn’t have to worry so much all the time. Because when it felt too much, like I wasn’t strong enough, like I couldn’t stand, that I could just reach out for them and they’d come running,” Evan keeps going, confessing everything Zoe did for him, the way she made him feel. 

And he’s just thankful that he found her, in this moment, but also for every moment he’s needed her. Every time he’s leaned on her to help him through even the smallest of problems. And the way she did it, no questions asked, just to make sure he was okay. Evan Hansen was in love with Zoe Murphy and everyone around him thought he was talking about Connor Murphy, her dead older brother. But it didn’t matter what they thought, the only thing that mattered was Zoe. 

Zoe starts to tear up watching and listening to Evan, thinking how even though he was saying she did those things for him, he’d really done them for _her_. Evan saw her when no one else did. Evan told her all the time how much she mattered, that he’d do anything for her. And she thinks she’s kind of in love with this anxious boy on stage. And maybe, just maybe, he was ready to hear it. 

“So they were there when I needed a friend to carry me, when I was broke and on the ground, I was still found. All I had to do was just reach up and rise again, lift my head and look around, and I was found,” Evan finishes, and immediately just walks off stage, unsure of what to do next. Luckily for him, Alana appeared once again to monitor the flow of her assembly. 

Evan can’t believe he just did that. He gave an entire speech to the entire school without passing out. He didn’t start off too great, but then he did it. He didn’t freeze or have a stroke or anything like that. And he did it by telling Zoe exactly what she meant to him. And instead of getting weird about it and stressing over what Zoe would think and do and feel and how that was going to ruin everything they had together, he just feels content and kind of whole. And it’s better than anything he’s ever felt before. 

The rest of the assembly goes on in this hazy state for Evan, until the jazz band performs, and he zeroes back in on Zoe. And even in an ensemble, Zoe stands out to him. And he has no idea if she can see him or knows that he’s in the wings still, but it feels like she’s playing just to him. 

And when the assembly’s over Alana says she has everything handled and that Evan can leave, so he doesn’t think twice about it, leaving the stage to go find the Murphy family. He finds them quickly in the crowd outside of the auditorium, hugging and congratulating Zoe on the jazz band’s performance. 

And Evan can tell that Cynthia has been crying again, but he hopes they were happy tears and not because she was upset that he messed up the first part of the speech. 

But as soon as she sees Evan, Cynthia comes to him, wrapping him in a hug, telling him, “Oh Evan, it was wonderful. You did a great job; your speech was beautiful. It would’ve meant everything to Connor.” 

Evan hugs her back, except he’s looking over her shoulder to Zoe, looking to see her reaction. She’s blushing a little and smiling that half smile at him, and he has an overwhelming urge to go hug her too. And he does that as soon as Cynthia lets go of him, racing towards Zoe and holding on to her waist tightly as her arms settled around his neck. 

They don’t get a chance to say anything to each other, because Cynthia is quickly behind them, talking about how lovely everything was and the whole family needed to do something together, and to everyone’s surprise it’s Larry who interrupts her suggesting, “Why don’t we go to A La Mode and drive by the orchard?” 

Zoe’s nodding her head, eyes a little misty, and Evan feels her slip her hand into his, so he squeezes it gently, knowing what it would mean to her to go back to those places with her family once more. 

Zoe’s small nod seems to settle the plan and Larry’s guiding them all to the car, letting Cynthia continue to chatter on about the entire assembly. And the afternoon is nice, listening to the Murphy’s talk about the memories they had there when Connor and Zoe were small. But Evan can’t say he isn’t thankful when they get back to the house and him and Zoe steal off to her room, their first chance to be alone since before the memorial. 

Zoe pulls him to her bed, their usual spot, and throws her arms around him, hugging him snugly to her, pulling away from him slightly to say, “I knew what you meant during your speech. Everything you said, everything you’ve done. You don’t know how much, what you’ve given all of us Evan.” 

And then she’s kissing him, soft and sweet, and it takes Evan by surprise, but he finds himself kissing her back, drawn to her in a way he couldn’t describe. But then it registers that he’s _kissing Zoe Murphy_ and he pulls away from her. 

Evan looks away from her, staring at the bed, breathing heavily, wondering if he’d just destroyed their entire friendship by kissing her back. It wasn’t possible that Zoe actually wanted to be with him, no matter how many little hints she dropped, no matter how close they’d been before this. None of that mattered because Evan would find some way to ruin it. He was his own worst enemy, obliterating things from the inside out, and this would be no different. 

Until he glances up Zoe in a moment of self-loathing, expecting her to be angry or frustrated that he’d somehow taken advantage of her in an emotional state, but all she looks is hopeful. Her green eyes were wide and bearing into his, wanting him to do something, to show her how he felt. And it changes his mind. 

Maybe this thing between them would be good, an exploration of everything they’d been feeling since they’d become friends. There was no one in the world Evan trusted more than Zoe, loved more than her. So maybe it would be okay if it were her by his side. Helping him, guiding him like she always did. Maybe Evan did deserve this chance. This chance to be with this perfect girl who meant everything to him. 

So he decides right then and there, to not look back and to not look forward, but to be there in the moment, to enjoy it for what it was, and Evan kisses Zoe again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eeeekkkk! We at the end of Act I and y'all know that means Evan and Zoe are "together" now even though they're not "dating officially or whatever" as Evan would claim. But don't worry they're definitely together in this AU. And the Connor Project has begun! But all things that go up must come down so...Stay tuned!!!!


	7. Family That I Chose, Now That I See Your Brother As My Brother

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Connor Project is taking off and Alana and Evan argue over what to do next. Evan spends a lot of time with the Murphy's.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! 
> 
> It's been quite awhile since I've written a long, more personal author's note. But I have to say last week was not a good mental health week for me and I was extremely anxious. I convinced myself that all the readers of this story hated the last chapter and hated the direction I was going with this story, especially changing the message behind You Will Be Found. Also that this story lacked continuity and I was changing styles of writing too much every chapter and that it was hard to follow and basically that it was terrible. And I convinced myself of these same things about Good Things Are Finally Coming My Way, that everyone hated and was sick of that story too, truly disliking chapter seven. I don't actually think these are true (hopefully) but I think it affected this chapter a little, which was already kind of a bridge between Act I and Act II, making it choppy. And I don't have a chapter to post for GTAFCMW, because I was too stressed to write one. But this chapter is really long, the longest I've ever written at 13K words and I think it's okay and hopefully you all will like it, even if it's a bit of a chaotic mess. 
> 
> And this is another reminder that Jared and Alana do not come off well in this story, and I think it's pretty clear in this chapter, and it will only continue from this point. So I'm sorry if Jared or Alana are your favorites, in this story, they're here to cause Evan strife. I will write them differently in a new story, whatever comes after this one, I promise. 
> 
> So I just really do want to thank you all for reading and commenting and kudos-ing and everything. I say that every author's note, but I really do mean it each time. I'm always astounded that people like the things I've written. Please continue to do so! Seriously, thank you!!! Happy Reading!

Evan’s shocked as they break away from each other, opening his eyes to find Zoe still there. That this was real, and he hadn’t just made it up. That Zoe liked him in a way that he’d liked her for so long. That she wanted to take this chance with him, on him. And he feels like he’s floating, happy and light. 

“Evan,” Zoe starts softly, moving her hand up from his shoulder to his cheek, waiting for him to look at her again, “I don’t think I’ve ever thanked you before, for giving me the chance to love my brother again, to see him for something other than the monster I remembered. You’ve helped me so much. I’d always wondered who you were before we became friends, and you’re everything I thought and more. I want you to know I want this, whatever we decide to make of us.” 

“I want that too; I’ve wanted it for so long. But Zo, I don’t think,” Evan starts immediately regretting his choice of words when he sees Zoe’s face fall a little, moving her hand away from his face, thinking he was going to give an excuse of why they couldn’t do this, so he grabs her hand and intertwines their fingers, squeezing gently, before continuing, “I was going to say I don’t think I’ve ever told you how much you’ve helped me. Back when I wrote that I had all my hope pinned on you, it was a fantasy, a story I made up about a pretty girl who was so nice. I didn’t actually know you, but I do now, and Zoe you’ve given me everything. The chance to have a friend, the chance to start again, to get back up. I want this. You mean everything to me.” 

That makes Zoe smile, a real happy smile, complemented by the rising blush on her cheeks, dusting across her freckles. Zoe pulls them down, so they’re laying on their sides facing each other, closer than they ever have before. Evan seems okay with what she was doing, not looking stressed or anxious, so she leans in to kiss him again, letting their hands break apart so she can run hers through his hair.

They pull away breathlessly from each other, but Zoe keeps her forehead touching Evan’s, whispering to him, “I think we could be everything to each other.” 

“Yeah, I think so too,” Evan tells her softly, tucking her hair behind her ear, unsure why he was feeling so confident now and not continuing to freak out, when he was sure she was going to be mad at him for kissing her back less than five minutes ago. Maybe because deep down he knew she wasn’t lying, and she never would. Zoe was the only person who didn’t lie to him. She was the only person _he_ didn’t lie to. And when she was around it was like the hazy fog of anxiety that made him question everything and everyone was suddenly lifted. He could see the sun with her, and he was a little less afraid of stepping into that light. That maybe this time it wouldn’t burn him. 

They stay like that for a long time, enjoying the closeness of each other, something both of them were used to at this point, but with a new perspective. They weren’t just friends anymore, if they’d ever even really been just that. Evan finds that nothing has really changed that much as they talk about everything, the assembly, spending time with her parents, their whole day. But eventually their conversation drifts towards talking about each other. The things they thought were cute from the first time they knew they liked each other, the things they maybe wanted out of a relationship (neither had been in one before, so they weren’t exactly sure), anything that happened to cross their minds during this little moment of bliss.

The only thing that’s really changed is kissing. Evan had always been so sure that he would be terrible at it, his awkward tendencies making it impossible to be smooth and romantic, the way he’d seen on TV. But with Zoe it’s easy. Natural. He knows this was the first time he’d kissed anybody, and he thinks he’d be okay if he never kissed anyone else ever again. Both of them add little kisses to the end of their thoughts, sometimes keeping them sweet and chaste, sometimes letting them get a little more heated, both types making Evan feel fluttery and delighted. It was like when Zoe kissed his cheek, but a million times better. 

But being the self-conscious, anxious person that he was, it was the physical stuff that had Evan the most worried, everything else he already knew she was okay with. This was the new thing. He wanted to make sure Zoe was feeling floaty and happy too, that it wasn’t just him. So he asks her sheepishly, “Um, Zoe, you’re the only person I’ve done anything like this with, like kissing and stuff, so is it, um, okay for you?” 

Instead of answering him, Zoe just leans in to kiss him again, liking that Evan was just as sweet as a _boyfriend_ as he was a friend, loving that he cared so much. And he really didn’t have to worry because she really was enjoying this new aspect of their relationship. If she ever wasn’t, she’d tell him, but it was reassuring to know he’d ask too. 

“I haven’t done anything like this either Ev,” Zoe tells him as they break apart, smiling at him, letting her hand trail down from it’s spot on his shoulder down to his hip, adding cheekily, “And I think it’s pretty great with you. I’ve been waiting a while.” 

That gets a small smile out of Evan, a nice boost to the little confidence he had, enough to let his own hand match hers, moving his thumb back and forth across her skin softly, the same spot he’d been staring at a few weeks ago, hoping she wouldn’t think he was weird. He definitely didn’t think that now.

They’re broken out of their little reverie, their time of exploration and excitement, by Cynthia calling them for dinner. But neither of them move, wanting to stay wrapped up in each other for longer, until Cynthia calls them a second time, and Zoe finally gets up, pulling Evan close to her and lacing their hands together, kissing him one last time before leading him to the dining room. 

And Evan would be lying to himself if he said he wasn’t still scared that somehow this amazing thing that they’d built over the last month, this relationship that he’d wanted since forever, would come crashing down. That his own foolishness and insecurity would burn the best thing he’s ever had. But that voice that told him that, the one that used to yell at him constantly, the one that had slowly dimmed, sounding more normal over time, was now just barely a whisper. And Evan didn’t really want to let it back into the conversation.

==

When Evan and Zoe show up at school the next day, they’d almost completely forgotten about the assembly and Evan’s speech from the day before. They had so many other things on their minds, mainly each other. So it comes to a surprise to them when everyone at school and is talking to them about the Connor Project and how much they were in awe of his speech., surrounding them the moment they walked in. 

It makes Evan nervous, reaching for Zoe’s hand, seeking comfort with all these people trying to talk to him. But it’s also kind of amazing. People felt something when Evan spoke. The things he said resonated with them. They felt seen and found when they had thought nobody cared. It was incredible. 

Zoe and Evan finally get away from the crowds, making their way to Evan’s locker where they’re met with Jared and Alana rushing up to them. 

“Evan, look, the Connor Project is everywhere, not just in the school,” Jared tells him excitedly, scrolling through pages of comments on one of their social media accounts.

“Evan, someone posted a video of your speech, and now the Connor Project is everywhere, people just keep sharing it,” Alana tells him, not even waiting for his or Zoe’s reaction before continuing to keep talking, “We have to keep this traction going.” 

Evan’s still caught on the fact that someone uploaded a video of his speech, and that people outside the school, people all over the internet were having the same feelings as the kids stopping to talk to him in the hallways.

“Dude, yesterday the Connor Project pages only had 56 people following and like 15 users and now every account has at least 4,500 followers and it’s growing by the minute. Your video alone has over a million views,” Jared says, tapping Evan’s arm excitedly, and Evan thinks that Jared was actually being genuine for once, that he was truly excited that the Connor Project was doing well. 

“I don’t really understand,” Evan says quietly, looking over to Zoe even though he knew she was just as much out of the loop as he was. Could this many people really be affected by what he’d said to her yesterday? They were admiring him instead of mocking him? He wasn’t sure if he could believe it or not. 

“You did it, Evan. You’re making people see that they’re not alone,” Zoe whispers to him, squeezing his hand softly, incredibly proud of him. She’s also a little proud of herself, for helping the Connor Project idea along, being the catalyst Evan needed to make a difference. Being able to change the light around her brother for the better. It’s a good feeling. 

“So we have to keep this momentum going, this is our chance. We need to work on new videos to post right away. You need to talk more about you, Connor, and the orchard Evan. Your speech was fine, but you need to fill in the details of the story. That’s what people are connecting with,” Alana tells him, a little bossily, but Evan does understand what she’s getting at and somewhat agrees with her. The only problem being that there weren’t many details to that story—because it was completely made up.

Evan looks over to Zoe again, hoping to figure out if she thought talking about it more was a good idea, because she knew the same as Evan that it wasn’t real. The symbolism of story, sure, that wasn’t fake, but Evan had never been to that orchard before yesterday with Zoe and her parents. 

Zoe just kind of shrugs, understanding what he was asking, and wanting him to choose. She’d help him of course, but if he wanted to keep talking about his fall, then that was up to him. And Evan thinks it might be alright to do it. Maybe if he kept talking about the thing he already talked about, then no one would ask for more stories, more proof about him and Connor being best friends. Stick to a single good story and make people see that anyone could be a friend. That was a good plan. 

“I’m calling an emergency Connor Project meeting today afterschool. And I really think you should start being in videos Zoe, I think the followers want to hear from you,” Alana says addressing Evan and Jared, but then zeroing in on Zoe, trying once more to make her part of this.

Evan can barely keep from rolling his eyes at Alana. When was she going to give up on Zoe being a cornerstone of the Connor Project? How many times did she have to turn Alana down before she understood? 

“I don’t want that Alana, please stop asking me,” Zoe tells her politely, even though Evan knew she was getting frustrated too. Why was Alana so persistent all the damn time? 

“Fine, but you really should at some point, you were his sister,” Alana says, about to keep talking when Zoe interrupts her saying, “I am his sister, not past tense Alana, that hasn’t changed.” 

And Evan’s really proud of her, squeezing her hand gently, knowing that it was a big deal for her to say something like that. To admit that Connor was still a part of her life, even if he was gone now.

“Yeah, well, we as officers of the Connor Project just really need to nail down our next moves. We can’t waste this opportunity,” Alana tells them sharply, probably not enjoying being corrected by Zoe all that much, even if she did deserve it just a little. 

Evan looks over to Zoe, checking to make sure it was okay that he stayed afterschool for bit, knowing that she was his ride to her house and he wasn’t sure if the jazz band would be doing anything right after a performance. 

“Yeah that’s fine Ev. I have a band meeting anyway to pick new pieces for the next concert before fall break. And then we can go home,” Zoe tells him, ignoring the looks Jared and Alana were giving them as she reached up to kiss his cheek. 

Surprisingly, Evan isn’t bothered at all by Zoe kissing him in front of Jared and Alana, which he’d honestly been scared about all aspects of any PDA. But he liked the little affections they could give each other in public now. He didn’t want to brag about being with Zoe Murphy, like she was something he’d won or anything like that. He just really loved her and wanted to show her that, whenever he felt it was necessary. And it helped that he’d recently discovered how much physical touch aided in calming him down. Every time Zoe did something like hold his hand, kiss him, or hug him, it was like a tether to reality, a way to ground him. A way to remember that this was actually happening to him, and he needed those reminders often. 

And when Jared starts making inappropriate kissing noises, clearly teasing both of them, Evan just brushes it off. He didn’t care what Jared thought; he was probably just jealous anyways. 

The bell finally rings, forcing all of them to go to their classes, and Evan is kind of glad. The morning had been a mix of calm (the parts with Zoe) and completely overwhelming (the parts with strangers and Jared and Alana) and at least in class he could zone out for a bit. Evan walks Zoe all the way to her classroom, smiling at her the whole way there, loving when smiled back and squeezed his hand. And Evan very bravely kisses her cheek before walking off to his own classroom, hoping Zoe was blushing as much as he was. 

Evan and Zoe skip the crowds at lunch, hiding away in their spot in the library, grateful to have time alone together. They talk about how wild the morning was, how excited they both were that what they’d thought of was happening, coming to life right before their eyes. 

Zoe admits that it’s stressing her out that Alana keeps pestering her. Should she be a bigger part of this, in front of the camera so to speak? Did it make her a bad person to not want that? Evan assures her it doesn’t. She didn’t have to do anything that made her uncomfortable and she could always change her mind and be in videos or whatever later if it felt right. 

Evan confesses that he’s worried the more he talks about his friendship, the deeper he got into this lie, the faster it would unravel. Zoe reassures him that even if it did, which it wouldn’t, she’d stand by him. She felt like she was a little responsible for this too, even if they both agreed it was really Jared’s fault that everything had gotten so out of hand. No one would’ve known that Evan and Connor had been “best friends” if Jared hadn’t said anything, hellbent on making school harder for Evan.

They’re both sad when lunch is over, but when Evan drops Zoe off at her classroom, she gives him a tiny peck on the lips, an upgrade from their sweet cheek kisses this morning and Evan finds that his mood is quite lifted for the rest of the afternoon. Until he meets with Alana and Jared. 

“Where were you at lunch Evan? We could’ve started earlier,” Alana asks him curtly, as if he’d forgotten they had plans or something. He hadn’t, this morning she said after school, it wasn’t his fault she’d changed her mind. 

Evan opens his mouth to defend himself, but Alana’s apparently already over it, launching in with, “I think we should plan a Kickstarter campaign to reopen the Autumn Smile Orchard in Connor’s name.” 

“That sounds like a lot of money though, Alana,” Evan tells her, worried that what she was planning was even more ambitious than anything he could’ve even imagined, and he already thought she wanted to do a lot. 

“We can go down in history as having the most ambitious Kickstarter in the history of the site,” Alana tells them excitedly, pulling out her laptop, showing them what she’d already planned. And Evan wonders how long she’s had this prepared for. He’d only come to her about his idea last week. It makes Evan wonder if Alana really even cared about his idea of the Connor Project or if she really only wanted “Connor Murphy’s Best Friend” on board with her own ideas. 

“But why do we need to do that Alana? Why do we need to go down in history? Why can’t we just focus on connecting people? That’s what the Connor Project is for,” Evan says earnestly, honestly getting a little upset. She had asked him to come up with an idea and he had. But she wasn’t taking anything he said seriously. Why even bother with him if she was just going to make all the decisions anyway?

“Well we have to do something Evan,” Alana tells him, exasperated that Evan wasn’t completely on board with her fundraising idea, as if questioning why they needed to have the most lofty goal in internet history was crazy on Evan’s part.

“I think the videos and posting things online _is_ doing something Alana. I think it’s a really good start. Why get in over our heads when everything could go wrong?” Evan asks her nervously, now thinking what could happen if the Connor Project got too big and then someone found out he was lying about being friends with Connor. He wouldn’t be able to handle that at all, even with Zoe’s support. 

Evan can’t help but notice how Jared is suspiciously quiet, not voicing his opinion for either side, which is very unlike him. He doesn’t like it. At least when Jared was being mean Evan knew where he was standing. He didn’t like this quiet Jared at all. It was making him feel paranoid.

“Fine, for now. But we need to expand early on to keep momentum going. Tomorrow we can go live on Instagram and Jared can link it to all the platforms and we can announce a video schedule, and that new and big things are coming for the Connor Project. Then we’ll post the video to your site after,” Alana says, grumbling a little about Evan’s plan, but she seems to be accepting of it, and that’s relieving to Evan. It’s not like he didn’t want the Connor Project to be successful, he did. But he didn’t think that trying to pull off the “most ambitious Kickstarter in history” when they only had three people working on it, and no experience running an organization was a good idea. Maybe they could try to plant a memorial apple tree somewhere at the school instead. That seemed like a doable thing to fund raise for.

“Okay that sounds great. When do you want to meet tomorrow to do the live thing?” Evan asks, feeling a tiny bit better that all of them were more on the same page now, proud of himself for sticking up for himself even if it was only temporary, knowing that Alana was going to push for bigger things later. 

“We need to do lunch to go over the scripts and then we need to start filming right after school,” Alana tells him, neither her nor Jared moving to pack their things like Evan was, another thing that strikes him as odd. But he shakes it off, maybe they were going to study for a class together or something. Jared still didn’t refer to them as friends, so Evan guesses it really wasn’t his business what they were doing together. 

“Um, okay, I’ll see you then, I guess,” Evan says quickly, getting up and just leaving, wanting to find Zoe even if she wasn’t done with band yet. He wanted the weird feeling he was getting from Jared and Alana to go away, and the only person who made him forget things was Zoe. 

And thankfully when Evan gets to the band room, he can see people filing out, and he knows it’s perfect timing for him and Zoe. And he spots her quickly, chatting with one of her friends (one that Evan knew too from eating lunch with Zoe), so he walks up to them, not at all feeling anxious about Zoe’s friend being there. And he definitely notices Zoe’s smile get bigger when she sees him, immediately taking his hand when he was close enough. 

“Yeah, we can work on that coming up. I think it’ll be a really good duet piece,” Zoe finishes telling her friend, looking overall in a really good mood. Her band meeting must have gone well. 

“Yeah I think so too. My mom’s waiting so I have to go, but I’m excited, the fall concert is going to be so good! Bye Zoe, bye Evan,” they say, waving and walking off towards the parking lot. Their small act of including Evan in their goodbye brightens his mood completely, smiling and waving back at them alongside Zoe. 

“So how was band? Did I hear you get to do a duet for the concert?” Evan asks sweetly as they start to walk hand-in-hand to Zoe’s locker. 

“Yeah! I’m so excited. I’m in four arrangements separate from the ensemble, and two are solos! I’ll have to practice my pieces just for you first though,” Zoe says flirtatiously, swinging their intertwined hands playfully, laughing when Evan uses some of the momentum to twirl her around. 

“That’s awesome Zo. You’re going to do amazing, like always. I can’t wait to go,” Evan tells her excitedly. Zoe was incredibly talented, and he loved that she was getting the opportunity to showcase that. 

“So how was your meeting Ev? Alana and Jared cook up some crazy scheme already?” Zoe asks, dropping his hand for a moment to open her locker and grab her bag and a couple books. 

“Yeah, but I think I talked them out of it for now. Alana wants to plan, and I quote, ‘the most ambitious Kickstarter in the history of the site’ trying to fund raise to reopen the orchard. I don’t think that’s super necessary though,” Evan tells her, lacing their hands back together after Zoe grabbed her things, starting to walk out to her car.

“Yeah, I don’t think it’s a super great idea either. I think reaching out to people and spending time distributing information about suicide, anxiety, depression, and bullying would be a better idea. I mean I think it would be cool to see the orchard reopened and taken care of again, but it seems a little bit like a long shot,” Zoe says, agreeing with Evan, watching as a wave a relief washed over him. He knew Zoe would understand, see that he wasn’t the crazy one in the group.

“Thank you. And like Jared was being weirdly quiet and it threw me off. Sometimes it feels like Alana just wants me around because people wouldn’t care otherwise, you know? Like she wants me to be there but doesn’t. I don’t know,” Evan tells her quietly, taking the opportunity that Zoe paused to think, to open her car door for her, earning him a cute appreciative smile. 

Evan walks around to his side of the car, getting in and taking Zoe’s phone from her outstretched hand out of habit, scrolling through her playlists while waiting for Zoe’s answer. He settles on “Easygoing and Chill”, hoping the songs would make him feel like those two things. 

“Well, it’s all so new, and Alana strikes me as someone who’s not exactly used to collaborative efforts, usually having to do things on her own. Maybe as time goes on, she’ll see your side of things more,” Zoe offers half-heartedly, clearly not believing her own words fully. 

“Yeah, maybe,” Evan says back to her, equally as disheartened, adding, “But we don’t have to talk about it right now. Tell me more about the pieces you’re doing for the concert.”

Zoe smiles at him again, always grateful when Evan wanted to hear about things that meant so much to her. And they spend the rest of the drive to the Murphy’s talking about music and singing themselves, something Evan finally felt comfortable doing in front of her. By the time they’re pulling into the driveway, Evan has almost completely forgotten how bossy Alana and how weird Jared had been. Exactly what he wanted after being stressed about it. 

They’re headed up to Zoe’s room like normal, when Cynthia calls out to them from the living room, “Zoe, Evan, you have to come here. Come look at what’s going on the Connor Project page.”

Zoe and Evan glance at each other and set their bags next to the staircase and go into the living room, hoping that Cynthia wanted them to see something good. She probably wouldn’t sound so happy if that weren’t the case.

“Evan dear, look how many people are on the page, 16,239. They’re writing the nicest things to each other, to you. Leaving comments on your speech,” Cynthia says happily, setting her computer down on the coffee table, getting up to hug Evan. 

“16,000 people are on the website we made? I don’t understand what happened,” Evan questions, accepting Cynthia’s hug, but once again not grasping how many people were affected by his speech to Zoe. He had thought 4,000 this morning was wild, how had it possibly quadrupled in just a couple of hours? 

“You did, Evan,” Cynthia tells him, pulling away from hugging him, directing both him and Zoe to come sit on the couch with her again, “Read through these, it’s incredible.” 

Zoe takes the laptop from the table and sits next to her mom, letting Evan cuddle in close to her to see on the opposite side. And Cynthia was right. There’s thousands of posts and comments on the message board. People were being kind to each other, responding to people who said they were feeling lost, spreading positivity everywhere they looked. Zoe keeps scrolling, just as much in awe as Evan was.

 _Everybody needs to see this. I can’t stop watching this video. Please repost._

**I know someone who really needed to hear this today, so thank you, Evan Hansen, for doing what you’re doing**

_It’s so easy to feel alone, but Evan is exactly right, we’re not alone_

**Thank you, Evan Hansen, for giving us a space to remember Connor. Sending prayers from Michigan**

_This space is about community. The meaning of friendship. Here’s the link, seriously, repost and share for everyone to see!_

Soon Cynthia leaves Evan and Zoe to scroll through all the messages, giving them time to process what she’d seen play out all day when they’d been at school. She was so proud of Evan, and what he was doing for Connor, what he was doing for their whole family. 

Zoe and Evan try to respond to or like all the posts, but they keep pouring in and soon they’re both a little overwhelmed and have to take a break from the Connor Project site, snuggling into each other on the couch instead.

“Zo, this is insane. Did you ever think this thing would get this big?” Evan asks, still in shock that something he’d been a part of wasn’t failing or being laughed at by people. That kids all over the country had something nice to say to him, about Connor, about themselves, about other kids, it was astounding. 

“I mean I always believed in you and our idea of what the Connor Project should be. But yeah this is crazy, crazy good though. I’m proud of you Ev,” Zoe says sweetly, leaning over to kiss him softly. 

“I couldn’t have done it without you Zoe, thank you for believing in me and sharing this with me,” Evan tells her when they break away, pulling her in closer so she could lay her head against his chest, feeling at ease over everything for the first time in a few days. And he really hopes he feels like this all the time. That maybe this could be the new trajectory his life was taking. He deserved some calmness, some happiness in his life after everything he’d been through, right? 

==

The next day at school is easier to navigate and Evan starts to feel better about talking to people, even when Zoe wasn’t with him. He could genuinely thank them and almost no one actually asked him about Connor, which was weird, but a lot easier on Evan. And he knows Zoe is happy that when people come up to her, they’re actually nice and seem sincere, something very different from the last time people were obsessed with seeking her out. He’s glad they’re not bothering her or asking why she wasn’t involved more. 

Evan leaves Zoe with her band friends during lunch, telling her that Alana wanted them to practice for the livestream later, to make sure Evan knew what to say and all that. Zoe’s bummed that they don’t get to spend lunch together, but Evan was coming over after the livestream, so it was really only a few more hours until they just got to chill with each other. Plus, it was Friday, so they were going to get the whole weekend to spend together, decompressing after one of the most stressful weeks both of them had had recently. 

Evan finds Alana easily outside of the school, where she wanted to film (because the lighting was way better) and Alana looks excited. And honestly, Evan was a little excited too. He liked Alana’s script and after giving the speech at the assembly, he was confident he wouldn’t mess this up too badly. Alana had herself doing most of the talking, but she was saying what they’d discussed yesterday, along the lines of there’ll be videos and educational resources available soon, as well as bigger projects down the road. It was good and Evan was feeling good about it. Reading all the nice things people had to say about him was helping out too. 

“Okay Evan, you ready?” Alana asks him, once her and Jared were done fiddling with the camera and the computer stuff. 

“Yeah I think so. Do you have your script Alana?” Evan asks her, not seeing her paper out the way his was. She never told him he had to memorize anything for this. At lunch she said he could read from the script. Had she changed her mind and not told Evan, again? 

“No. I don’t need one, but you can use yours. It’s fine,” Alana tells him, taking a deep breath and turning to face the phone they had set up on a tripod, standing right by Evan’s side, telling Jared, “Okay, let’s go live.” 

Evan watches as Jared presses the button on the phone and Alana immediately gets a big smile on her face, looking for Jared to give her the thumbs up to start talking, “Hey everyone, it’s me Alana, Connor Project co-president, associate treasurer, media consultant, chief technology officer, and assistant creative director slash public policy director for creative public policy initiatives for the Connor Project.” 

Evan hopes his face looks neutral, because he had no idea when Alana became all of those things, or what most of them were. Creative public policy initiatives? What did that even mean? Wasn’t co-president good enough? 

Evan glances over to Alana, realizing she’s stopped talking, and it was time for his introduction, “Hi I’m Evan. I’m uh, just co-president of the Connor Project.” 

“Wish I could see all your amazing faces out there,” Alana says, quickly, letting Evan follow along right after her, reading from his script, with a slightly awkward, “Hope you’re having an amazing day.” 

“Now, I know a lot of you guys have seen the video of Evan’s amazing inspirational speech all over, and we wanted to tell you there will be more of that coming, with stories from Connor’s whole family, but we also have a big announcement,” Alana says, confusing Evan, those weren’t her lines on the script _he_ had. They hadn’t discussed making any videos with Larry or Cynthia, and Zoe already explicitly said she didn’t want to be in them. And they weren’t announcing anything today besides more videos and more interactions. That was supposed to be it. 

“As you know, Connor loved trees, right Evan?” Alana says, completely taking him by surprise, giving no choice but to stammer, “Um, yeah, Connor, um, loved trees.” 

“Connor was obsessed with trees and he and Evan spent hours sitting at the orchard Evan spoke about, looking at the trees, being with the trees, sharing the facts they knew about trees. His favorite place in the whole world was that orchard, the old Autumn Smile Orchard, which tragically closed seven years ago. But we as the Connor Project are announcing a new Kickstarter campaign to raise $50,000 in three weeks to reopen the orchard in Connor’s memory. It was the one thing Connor dreamed of more than anything,” Alana says and Evan can’t believe this was actually happening, that Alana went behind his back and was announcing this live, making it impossible for him to contradict her. And Evan is positively irate. He thinks he’s doing an okay job of hiding it, but he never really was good at controlling his emotions. So he hopes his face isn’t accidentally ruining the stream.

“It’s a lot of money, I know. But it’s also a lot of amazing. So let’s do it guys, and make the Connor Murphy Memorial Orchard not just a dream, but a reality. The Kickstarter site is now live and you can find the links in all our bios. Thanks friends, we’re signing off now, but you’ll hear from us soon,” Alana finishes and starts waving to the camera, and Evan mimics her, biting his nails of his other hand, waiting until he knew for sure the camera was off before starting in on Alana and Jared. Except he’s frozen in his place, unsure exactly how to express how angry he is. Whenever he got angry about his mom or his life in general, he just kept it in, never having anywhere to turn but in. But he doesn’t want to do that now. 

“I think that went really well,” Alana says taking her phone from the tripod, leaning over Jared to check the stats on the live stream and the Kickstarter so far, making Evan wonder how he hadn’t noticed that page open on Jared’s computer before now. Clear evidence that he’d been a part of this too.

“Are you fucking kidding me Alana?” Evan says quietly, finally ready to say something, but unsure if his soft tone was making him seem calmer or more furious. He couldn’t tell based on either Jared or Alana’s face.

“Excuse me?” Alana says back clearly not understanding that what she and Jared had done was completely not okay. To give Evan a script during lunch then just announce something different while they were live, especially something they had all agreed to not do yesterday. 

“Like what the actual hell? We agreed to not do the Kickstarter yesterday. And this script you gave me during lunch was just what? Something to keep me in the dark? A way to trick me into being here?” Evan says getting more worked up about feeling set up. It reminded him of why he never trusted people’s intentions, they never were sincere when it came to Evan. Alana and Jared had used him and deceived him. Jared had probably been the one to pitch the “do it live” idea, just to make it worse for Evan. He knew it was a bad idea to have them, but now he was stuck. People knew they were part of the Connor Project; they couldn’t disappear now.

“No, we didn’t agree to anything yesterday. You didn’t want to do the Kickstarter, but after you left, me and Jared agreed it was a good idea,” Alana tells him, crossing her arms and getting defensive about their decision to blindside Evan.

“Alana’s right Acorn. You decided you didn’t want it and then just left. And a majority rules, so we just did it. Seriously just calm down,” Jared says nonchalantly, making Evan wonder how truly little Jared thought of him. That it didn’t even cross his mind that him and Alana were the ones in the wrong in this situation.

“What like you two knew what Connor wanted? Because you weren’t friends with him! Neither of you were. You just need me or else you look like fakers,” Evan says, knowing it was ironic he was accusing them of that because he was truly faking, but at least he knew Connor better than they did. He listened to Zoe about him and he tried to understand Connor. He truly thinks if that day in the computer lab had gone a little differently, maybe him and Connor wouldn’t have had to “pretend they both had friends”. Evan spent time in Connor’s room, he talked to his family, he was trying to make right over the horrible lie he’d told, by actually maybe learning something about Connor Murphy, something real. And now it was just getting thrown in his face. 

Alana and Jared looked stunned by Evan’s outburst, not thinking that anxious, awkward Evan Hansen, the one they both thought so little of, who they wouldn’t even sign his cast, would ever defend himself and cross them. Their silence gives Evan a chance to keep going, “And why the hell does it have to be the most ambitious Kickstarter of all time? Why can’t we just do a regular fundraiser?” 

Alana, not used to someone getting this mad at her (people ignored her sure, but they never argued with her), raises her voice and tells Evan back, “Because that’s not enough Evan!” 

“Says who? Why isn’t it enough? Why do we have to be famous or viral or whatever? Why can’t we just be helping people?” Evan argues back, and he can feel himself starting to lose control over his breathing, shoving his hands into his pockets so they couldn’t see them shaking. 

“Because we can be doing more Evan, and if we can then we should. I figured you would want this the most. Don’t you want Connor’s name to mean more than just the senior who disappeared? The one who killed himself?” Alana yells at him, and Evan doesn’t know why she’s so stuck on this, but it clearly meant more to her than what she was presenting it as. But he absolutely can’t deal with this any longer, knowing that if he stayed, he’d probably start having an anxiety attack. 

“I do Alana, I want that, but all this seems like so much! I can’t deal with this right now. I’ll see you guys later I guess,” Evan says, grabbing his bag and leaving them staring after him. On one hand, he’s proud of himself for leaving a situation that he knew was toxic before it got to a point where he couldn’t, but he can’t believe he’d went along with their crazy scheme. But he didn’t have a choice. People would have hated him if he’d argued with Alana live. He would have ruined their small amount of success one day after it’d happened. He didn’t want to be the downfall of the Connor Project. It was his idea, he wanted it to work. But he regrets letting Jared and Alana be a part of it. Why couldn’t people just not screw him over for once? What was it about him that made people lie and use him? His mom did it, Jared and Alana did it. 

Well, he knew one person who wouldn’t do that to him, so he calls Zoe, already walking to her house, knowing she’d gone home after school (she’d offered to wait, but Evan didn’t know how long the live stream would be). Zoe answers after the first ring, with a more upbeat, “Hey Ev, are you headed over?” 

“Um, yeah, did you see the stream yet?” Evan asks between big deep breaths, letting just hearing Zoe’s voice help calm him down. 

“No, I was going to wait until you got here, so we could watch it together. Why, what happened?” Zoe asks cautiously, knowing from Evan’s tone that something was most definitely not okay. 

“Alana and Jared just announced the Kickstarter when we were live and then I yelled at both of them and I don’t know, it just went terribly,” Evan tells her, adding quietly, “I wish you’d been there.” 

They had agreed earlier that Zoe wasn’t going to go, feeling that Alana was going to try to convince her to be in the video, or if she was behind the camera, that Jared would try to talk to her or make her uncomfortable. They both thought it’d just be better if she weren’t there. But that was before. Evan hadn’t foreseen Jared and Alana crossing him like that, which was honestly just stupid of him. He should have known. There was no reason to believe it could have worked out in his favor. That they actually liked his idea. 

“I’m sorry Ev. Maybe we can cool it a little bit on the Connor Project stuff this weekend, just enjoy ourselves, maybe answer a couple of messages. We can just let them handle the mess they made; you know?” Zoe offers thoughtfully, unsure if Evan would go for it, knowing it was more likely he’d dwell on it all weekend. But she didn’t want that for him, so if she could distract him, then she would. 

“Yeah that sounds nice actually Zo, this whole week’s been a lot,” Evan says already feeling better. Zoe was right, he could focus on the part _he_ thought was important, and he could just let Jared and Alana do their own thing. But he wasn’t going to be in videos for a bit, not if they were producing them, he didn’t want to be tricked again. Maybe even him and Zoe could try to film something on their own. 

“Good, so it’s decided, minimal Connor Project stuff this weekend, focusing on just us. It can be like the rest of the world disappeared for two days, and I like the sound of that,” Zoe says playfully, glad that Evan was both feeling a little better and almost to her house, because she was already ready to start their Connor-free weekend. Maybe she would take him to the record store she liked, it was a town over, so hopefully no one would recognize Evan from his video. 

“Yeah me too, Zo, me too,” Evan tells her, thankful that he had her helping him through all this chaos. That no matter what happened around them, she’d stick around. 

== 

__It’s Sunday afternoon and true to their word, Evan and Zoe do little to nothing, with the exception of answering some messages, for the Connor Project over the weekend. They go to the record store, get milkshakes and drive around most of Saturday, and use Sunday to work on homework. And it’s nice to not have to worry about planning and organizing ideas, just for two other people to steam roll them. And Evan thinks this might be the future for his role in this, a behind the scenes one like Zoe’s._ _

__But right now, Evan was focusing on cutting out a bunch of tiny text boxes for a big poster board Zoe was making for her history project at the Murphy’s dining room table, while she searched through Cynthia’s “project” room for some glitter glue and stickers._ _

__Evan’s focusing so much on trimming off all the white around the printed letters, that he doesn’t even notice Larry coming into the room, standing next to him._ _

__“Hey Evan,” Larry says, patting Evan on the back, making him jump, but thankfully not cut through one of Zoe’s letters, as he continues, “I saw that fundraiser thing online for the Connor Project. I think it’s great you kids are taking initiative.”_ _

__“Oh yeah, um, it’s great,” Evan says nervously, not wanting to tell Larry that he didn’t have anything to do with that. That he was actually firmly against it and Alana and Jared did it behind his back._ _

__“Well I thought maybe you guys could auction some of my old baseball things? I mean to the right buyer, some of those things could go for a couple hundred easy,” Larry tells him looking more excited than Evan had ever seen him. Larry was typically quieter and sterner than Cynthia, who graciously showed her affection for Evan all the time._ _

__“That’s really nice and uh cool. Thank you, Mr. Murp,—um, Larry,” Evan says a bit awkwardly, honestly thinking it was a nice gesture, but Evan really didn’t want to talk about the fundraiser._ _

__“Want to come look through some stuff with me?” Larry asks him, his voice a little uncertain, like he wasn’t used to asking his kids or anyone to come do something with him. And Evan wasn’t used to anyone wanting to do anything with him, besides Zoe, but at this point she was too cemented in to really count anymore. Evan kind of likes the idea of hanging out with Larry. He doesn’t really have any memories of his own dad, besides a few hazy ones from when he was little and then the several bad ones when he started fighting all the time with his mom. Maybe Larry didn’t have a lot of good memories with Connor either. Maybe he was trying to change that too._ _

__“Um, okay, I don’t know much about baseball though,” Evan agrees quietly, setting everything he’d been cutting in a little pile for Zoe._ _

__“That’s okay, I’ll tell you all about it. I love newbies. We’ll make a baseball fan out of you soon enough Evan. Maybe we can all go to game sometime when the season starts. Zoe used to love them when she was little, running up and down the aisles singing ‘Take me out to the ball game’,” Larry chuckles, as Zoe comes back into the room, arms full of crafting supplies._ _

__“Oh hey Dad, what’s going on?” Zoe asks, noticing that Evan had gotten up and set aside the task he’d been working on._ _

__“Um, we were going to go look at some baseball stuff to maybe auction off,” Evan says, walking over to Zoe to help her set all the things she’d brought in down._ _

__Evan watches as Zoe’s eyes narrow, somewhat suspicious, but he doesn’t know what she would be worried about. Things had been really good between her and her parents lately, but she turns to him and asks, “Is he making you? Because you don’t have to hang out in the garage looking at dusty old baseball stuff,” and then she turns to Larry accusing him, “Dad, are you torturing Evan?”_ _

__“No, Zo, it’s okay, I swear. I want to, and I’ll be back to help you finish soon,” Evan says taking her hand and squeezing it gently so she knew he was being serious, that he really did want to hang out with Larry a little, that it could be nice to maybe have a father-son experience with him, even if was just for a couple minutes._ _

__“Okay, fine, but Dad please don’t bore Evan too much, he still has to help me and then we’re supposed to watch a movie,” Zoe huffs, accepting that hanging out with her dad was something Evan wasn’t being coerced into doing, but wanting to make sure Larry knew she wanted him back eventually, that they had plans together._ _

__Larry just rolls his eyes at Zoe’s antics, turning and gesturing for Evan to follow him, but Evan quickly kisses Zoe’s cheek and whispers to her, “It won’t be long Zo, I promise”, only walking away once she started nodding and returned to her project._ _

__When Evan catches up to Larry, he’s shaking his head chuckling a little again telling Evan, “Women right?”, clearly trying to fatherly bond with him, be “one of the guys”. And Evan didn’t want that if it meant Larry teasing Zoe about being protective. She was just making sure he was okay, like she always did._ _

__“Um, Zoe was just looking out for me. She’s really great,” Evan says shyly, absentmindedly poking around one of the boxes that Larry had set on the worktable, almost knocking something down with his cast. He truly couldn’t wait until he got his cast off in a couple days. He was ready for it to be gone._ _

__“So you and Zoe, eh?” Larry questions Evan playfully, making him realize for the first time that he was alone with his girlfriend’s dad for the first time ever, and he was asking about them. Holy shit. Maybe that’s why Larry asked him here, so he could show him a gun or threaten him about Zoe. That’s what dads on TV did. Did dads in real life actually do that? Should he have come out in this garage all alone with Larry? He had no idea what to do or what Larry was going to do, but Evan’s hands were starting to sweat, and he can feel his whole face getting red._ _

__But when he risks glancing over at Larry, he didn’t look like he was about to casually threaten Evan’s life, he looked kind of happy about him and Zoe being together. But just to be on the safe side, Evan tries to avoid any talk of him and Zoe dating by grabbing the first thing he saw, a new baseball glove, handing it to him and telling him, “This glove is really cool. Wow.”_ _

__“You feel how stiff the leather is? It’s never been used before, why don’t you take it?” Larry says handing it back to Evan, accepting Evan’s avoidance of talking about Zoe._ _

__“Oh no, I couldn’t,” Evan replies setting it back in the box, knowing he already taken so much from the Murphy’s, used way too much of their generosity._ _

__“Why not? I mean if you need a new glove, this one is just going to sit here collecting dust. I bought this like a hundred years ago. If you want it, take it; we’d have to break it in though,” Larry continues, picking it back up and putting it in Evan’s hands._ _

__“Well how do you break it in?” Evan asks, not knowing that it was something he’d have to do. You couldn’t just use gloves after buying them? With climbing and hiking there wasn’t really anything to break in, except shoes, but that just happened naturally as you wore them._ _

__“Your dad never taught you how to break in a baseball glove?” Larry asks, offended for Evan, but kind of excited he was going to get to share something with Evan._ _

__“I guess not,” Evan says quietly, knowing his dad never taught him anything except that people you trust the most will abandon you like it’s the easiest thing in the world. That Evan wasn’t important enough for him to stay. That having a new family to start over with was better than anything he could’ve had with Evan. Those were the things his dad taught him._ _

__“Well, it’s a lucky day for you then, because I know how the professionals do it. It all starts with shaving cream,” Larry tells him, like he’d been waiting his whole life to tell someone about this. Evan kind of assumes based on all he knew about Connor, that he wasn’t into baseball the way Larry was._ _

__“Shaving cream?” Evan asks him, surprised that they would be using something so strange to break in a glove._ _

__“Oh yeah. You rub that in for about five minutes, then you tie it up with rubber bands, put it under your mattress, and sleep on it. And then you do that for at least a week. You have to be consistent. You can’t take any shortcuts. And it’s not easy, but it’s the right way to do it,” Larry tells him watching Evan look at him, following every word, now that he was convinced Larry wasn’t going to yell at him about Zoe._ _

__“So what do you think? If you make the commitment, maybe we can play catch sometime,” Larry asks him, looking hopeful that this was something Evan maybe wanted too, knowing the last time he asked, he didn’t get an enthusiastic response._ _

__“I mean, definitely,” Evan tells him excitedly. He wasn’t very athletic in the traditional sense, but he was willing to try, if Larry wanted to do it with him._ _

__“Um, Larry, uh, Connor was really lucky to have a dad that…a dad who cared so much about taking care of things,” Evan says quietly, thumbing over the seams on the glove._ _

__“I’m sure your dad must feel pretty lucky to have a son like you,” Larry says, trying to give Evan a compliment, not realizing how very wrong he was about Evan’s dad._ _

__“Yeah, um he does,” Evan finds himself saying out of nowhere. If Larry knew what his dad really thought of him, Larry might think the same thing. And Evan didn’t want that, so he did what he always does to adults, lie._ _

__“Good, you’re a good kid Evan. You can go catch up with Zoe if you want,” Larry says, patting him on the shoulder, giving him an out from guy-bonding time._ _

__Evan nods his head, turning to walk back inside the house with his glove, but something stops him and he turns back to Larry, remedying his lie from before, “I don’t know why I said that about my dad. It wasn’t true. My dad moved away when I was seven and he has a new family so that’s kind of his priority now.”_ _

__“Well, he doesn’t know what he’s missing out on. When that glove’s ready, let me know and we’ll play some catch and I can show you a trick or two,” Larry says comfortingly, in a way that Evan believes him a little. In a way that cheers him up and makes him happy that he’d told Larry about his own terrible dad._ _

__“Um, I will. And I’ll do the shaving cream and rubber bands every day, I promise,” Evan tells him, mustering up a small smile before actually heading back inside the house to go back to Zoe, new glove in hand, ready to be broken in._ _

__Evan finds Zoe delicately adding little colored-paper borders to her project, focusing so hard that her nose was crinkling up, trying to glue things perfectly. Evan thinks it’s one of the most adorable things he’s ever seen. He waits until she’s done before walking in and sitting beside her, not wanting to scare her or mess up her project._ _

__“It wasn’t too terrible with my dad?” Zoe asks him, kissing his cheek softly, glad he was back with her, smiling as he smiled up at her._ _

__“No, it was um, really nice actually. I don’t have like any good memories with my own dad, so it was nice to do something like father-son like, even though I know I’m not his son. Um, we made plans to play catch sometime, and I think he means it,” Evan tells her, unsure how he honestly felt, like his emotions were all muddled together. He wanted a father-figure, one who wanted to spend time with him, and Larry was offering him that, but he also knew Larry wasn’t a perfect dad, based on everything Zoe had told him. But it counted that he was trying, with Zoe and with him, right?_ _

__“No, I know what you mean Evan, it’s okay. I think both my parents already see you as their son anyway. I think they’re trying to do right by Connor by trying to be better parents in general. They like having you around, but they’ve also been a lot better to me too,” Zoe tells him, grabbing his hand comfortingly, even though hers now had glitter all over it. Evan just laughs at the glitter and squeezes her hand back anyway._ _

__“But you don’t think they’re trying to like replace Connor with me, right?” Evan asks, suddenly aware of how the whole situation he was in looked like from the outside. Like the Murphy’s lost a son, but it was fine because they got a new one two days later. That Evan had thoroughly benefited from Connor being gone, that he’d taken the life that was supposed to be Connor’s._ _

__“Um, no, yes, maybe. I’m not really sure, honestly. But I know my parents love you and love having you here. You make them feel better about Connor and I think, um, that they just want to prove that they didn’t ruin both their kids’ lives. But I promise Ev, you being here, even if it feels like you’re replacing Connor a little, has made my family so much better off than it was. I couldn’t imagine where we’d be if Connor hadn’t stolen your letter, where I would be. My parents care about me in a way they never have before, and they’re working on their own relationship too,” Zoe says getting out of the chair she was sitting in to come closer to Evan, sitting on his lap, looping her arm around his neck, letting his casted arm fall to her waist._ _

__Evan’s nodding along with her, understanding that good things really did spring from his lie, allowing Zoe to finish talking before he said anything else, “And I wish my brother hadn’t died for that to happen, I do really wish Connor could have seen how happy we all could have been. But he did die and I’m glad my family is starting to feel happy again. Does that make me a terrible person?”_ _

__“No, I don’t think so. Your life was far from easy when Connor was here, so I think it’s okay that you’re starting to feel better. I’m happy for you. You know that’s all I wanted when I decided to just let your parents think they were right. All I wanted to do was help your family get through this. And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t happier too. I love being a part of your family, so much,” Evan tells her, teary up just a little, accepting that the thing he had wanted for forever, the thing he wished for every time he blew out birthday candles by himself or with only his mom around, to have a family, to have people care about him, that thing was coming true._ _

__“Good,” Zoe says kissing him lightly then adding, “Because you’re here to stay Evan Hansen.”_ _

__

__==_ _

_@margo_gogo, @itsmecharlie, @emmasmith45, and 389 other users have started following @EvanHansen_

_@ZoeMurphs: Stole this from Evan immediately #nomorecast #FreeEvansArm #ikindamissitthough #thiscastisoverparty_

_@TheConnorProject: Together we’ve raised almost $15,000 for the Connor Murphy Memorial Orchard. We’ve got two weeks left to reach our goal. Swipe up to donate!_

_@EvanHansen: Zoe took this picture and said we had to post it. #hiking #trees #nature_

___ _

___==_ _ _

___ _

_Dear Connor Murphy,  
Do you want to meet at the orchard sometime? I’m so glad you showed me it a couple weeks ago. It’s so cool! I’m glad we’re both feeling better. Let me know!  
Sincerely, Me_

_Dear Evan Hansen,  
Yeah dude. I’m lucky to have you as a friend. I feel better too. Can’t wait for winter break though, school seriously sucks.  
See you then, Connor _

__

__==_ _

__

__Evan was at his own house for once, grabbing a couple things he needed for school and answering some messages on the Connor Project page while Zoe was at band practice. He was heading over to the Murphy’s later for dinner and to spend the night. And to cuddle with Zoe, but that wasn’t specific to tonight._ _

__Evan was feeling really great the last couple of days. His arm was free of his cast, which meant anytime him and Zoe got a little more heated, he wasn’t scratching or hitting her with it. And he could shower freely, not worrying about getting it wet. But he’d asked the doctor to not cut through either signature, wanting to keep his cast with both ‘Zoe’ and “Connor’ intact. Both meant different things to him and it reminded him that even after his darkest day, there really could be someone to help him through it._ _

__And people were still using the Connor Project forum to talk to each other and talk to him. They were being sweet and caring towards each other and it was a great thing.  
And Alana had even apologized to him yesterday, admitting it wasn’t cool what her and Jared did, that they’d just been so excited to do something big and worthwhile, that they got a little carried away. They couldn’t just stop the fundraiser now that it had been started, but they were really hoping Evan would work with them again. Maybe he could get Cynthia to speak for a video too? _ _

__Evan had a sneaking suspicion after, he saw that Jared and Alana’s videos weren’t getting as big of a response as his did, that that was why they were coming back to him. But he did appreciate the apology, it’d been the first time Jared had ever apologized to Evan for anything, even if he’d done it begrudgingly. It was nice, and Evan had an idea for a video, and he did know that it would be easier with their help. So Evan was being wary still, but he honestly thought things were looking up in that department._ _

__He’s typing his final sentence to a response when his mom comes in unannounced to his room. Evan didn’t even know she was home. When did that happen? Evan hastily shuts his laptop, not wanting her to see the Connor Project page or what he’d been writing._ _

__“You’re always closing your laptop or hanging up the phone whenever I come into the room,” Heidi tells him, and Evan can’t really decipher her tone. Was she trying to tease him playfully? Was she mad that he wanted some privacy from her? Honestly, why was she even here? She had class today._ _

__“Um, I don’t do that,” Evan responds feebly, knowing he did that exact thing anytime he had any interaction with his mom lately. There weren’t many, but when they did happen, he didn’t want her questioning anything._ _

__“What is it that you don’t want me to see? What are keeping secret?” Heidi says, making Evan panic a little. Did she know about Zoe? Was this why she was in his room, to try and make him talk about her?_ _

__“No mom, it’s nothing. I was just doing homework,” Evan tells her, looking away from her and jamming his laptop in his bag, adding a notebook from his desk too, trying to get her to stop asking questions. He checks the time on his phone, before putting it in his pocket, knowing he’d have to leave soon if he wanted to be at the Murphy’s when Zoe got home too._ _

__“Do you have a minute Evan? I want to talk to you about something,” Heidi tells him, stepping fully into his room, lowering her tone, which also makes Evan feel suspicious. The last time she wanted ‘to talk’ she ambushed him about Connor, and he’d lied to her about his cast signature, about not knowing him at all. Why was she here? What did she really want?_ _

__“I was actually about to leave,” Evan says getting up and attempting to get to his door, hoping to escape before she wanted to drop some big news on him or whatever, but Heidi stands in front of it, effectively blocking his escape, and Evan wasn’t going to push his mom out of the way._ _

__“Didn’t you go out last night?” Heidi questions him, making Evan question her even more so. How did she know that? And why did she care all of a sudden where he was? It never mattered before._ _

__“Yeah, I have a group project for Spanish, so I have to meet with them a lot. Be a team player, you’d know about that. We’re going to be working late, so I’ll probably just stay over with someone,” Evan tells her, trying to be a vague as possible, not really sure why he added that dig about being a team player._ _

__Heidi doesn’t even respond to his excuse for being gone, staying in Evan’s doorway, telling him, “You know I saw the weirdest thing on Facebook today,” pausing for Evan to ask more about it, so he mumbles a slightly sarcastic, “What?” to her._ _

__“There was a video from something called the Connor Project,” Heidi starts, making Evan freeze in place. _Shit. Shit. Shit._ She knew now. How was he going to deal with this? What was she going to ask about? Was she going to know he was lying? Was she going to tell the Murphy’s? Was she going to ruin everything that made him happy now? _ _

__“Do you happen to know anything about that?” Heidi asks him even though she obviously knew he did, and Evan had a pretty good idea of what video she’d seen._ _

__Evan doesn’t respond to her, looking down at his feet, shifting them and picking at his nails. It doesn’t matter because Heidi doesn’t wait for a response, simply continuing, “Because you were in that video, and the website says you’re the president of the whole organization.”_ _

__“Um, it’s co-president actually,” Evan says unsure if that was helping his case or making it worse. He couldn’t tell because he wasn’t looking at his mom. He really just wanted her to leave him alone, she did it all the time, and the one time he wanted it, then she was invested in him?_ _

__“You were talking about that boy Connor Murphy and how you climbed a tree together,” Heidi tells him even though Evan already knew exactly what he’d said and what it meant._ _

__“Um,” Evan trails off, trying to inch closer to his door, hoping maybe he’d find a way out if his mom would just move. Was running away to the Murphy’s the best idea? Probably not. But it was the only plan he had to escape this nightmare he was in._ _

__“You told me you didn’t know him, but then you said he was your best friend,” Heidi says crossing her arms, clearly trying to keep her tone from becoming angry, but that makes Evan mad too. If she wanted to yell at him, she should just get it over with so he could leave, not wait around for them to have a ‘heart-to-heart’ or whatever. Evan wasn’t ever going to tell her what was really going on._ _

__“I know, but um, well it wasn’t true, when I said I didn’t know him, okay,” Evan, repeating his lie for the millionth time, but he’s acutely aware that this time, this time it was different. Evan didn’t want his life with the Murphy’s to be over. He loved them. They were more his family than his own mom, and he knows, he just knows, that his mom would take that from him if she found out what exactly he was lying about. And he absolutely can’t let that happen._ _

__“So you broke your arm with him at an old orchard?” Heidi asks him, and Evan just nods, confirming his own lie. And it was kind of sad that Heidi couldn’t tell what was real and what wasn’t._ _

__“Then why did you tell me you broke your arm at work? At Ellison this summer?” Heidi demands of him, and Evan hates it. He told her the truth this summer and she didn’t care, so why couldn’t he rewrite what happened? She still wouldn’t care either way._ _

__Evan doesn’t bother justifying why he told her something different earlier, simply stating things he’d wanted to scream at her for so long, but never could, until now, “Well, who do you think went with me to the hospital? Drove me there? Made sure I was okay? Cared about me for more than five minutes? Huh? Because it wasn’t you. You were at work like always. You always say you’re there for me, ‘just a phone call away’, but when I needed you, you weren’t. You didn’t answer your phone for six hours Mom! I had a minor surgery and you didn’t even know,” Evan yells at her, and he doesn’t feel anxious or panicked like he might have a couple weeks ago. If the tiny tears that were forming were any indication, Evan was hurt, hurt that he had to yell these things to her, that she just didn’t understand the way he felt this summer. That she didn’t understand how he felt when she lied to him._ _

__“Why didn’t he stay with you then? And why did you say your boss drove you?” Heidi asks, as if those were the most important parts of what Evan just told her. That “Connor” hadn’t stuck around to meet his mom when she finally figured out that he wasn’t okay and needed her. And that hurts even more._ _

__“Why didn’t he stay with me? Are you serious Mom? Because they only let family in and mine was no where to be found, so he had to leave. And I lied obviously about my boss,” Evan says, getting angrier the more time his mom spent trying figure out his story._ _

__“When were you planning on telling me any of this?” Heidi still not quite understanding how angry Evan was, and where it was coming from, Evan never yelled._ _

__“And when would I Mom? The five minutes I see you in a week? When are you even here?” Evan yells again, getting more frustrated. He would have given anything for his mom to actually care this much about him over the summer, hell even the first couple days back at school. But now he didn’t need this. He had other people who actually cared about him all the time, not just when it was convenient for them._ _

__“Well I’m here right now,” Heidi yells back at him, like it was normal for her to be home, when Evan knew it absolutely wasn’t._ _

__“Yeah, like once every six days. Most people’s parents try a little harder than that, just so you know,” Evan tells her, deliberately trying to make her feel bad about her not being around. He’d kept his sadness and his resentment in long enough. He knew what it was like now to have a mom who was home, a dad who wanted to teach you something, a best friend/girlfriend who would spend all day doing nothing with you, just to be there._ _

__“Well, aren’t they lucky,” Heidi says snidely, trying to cover up the way she was hurt by Evan’s comment._ _

__“I’m late, I have to go,” Evan says stepping closer to her, hoping she would move with him approaching. He doesn’t even stop and consider that he’d just used the same line Heidi always did anytime they “talked”. But he didn’t want Cynthia and Zoe to worry about him, they were expecting him, and he wasn’t going to not show up._ _

__“I don’t want you going out right now,” Heidi tells him, clearly standing her ground in front of his door, unmoving even as Evan tried to look for a path around her._ _

__“I told the group I’d be at the library like 10 minutes ago,” Evan says exasperatedly, genuinely considering moving his mom at this point just to be able to leave. She was kind of small, he could probably do it. That’s how much he wanted this conversation to end, for her to go back to not caring._ _

__“Listen Evan, I’m missing class tonight so I can be here to talk to you. Can you please talk to me?” Heidi pleads, giving up on her angry route, desperate to get Evan to explain why his stories didn’t match and why he was suddenly an internet sensation. All it does is make Evan madder. Now she was here to talk to him? Not when he’d prepped essays and was expecting to spend the night with her? Not when she went back to work literally the day after he’d broken his arm? Not when almost eight weeks had passed since school started and she hadn’t been home for dinner once?_ _

__“I can’t exactly just decide to not do my schoolwork because you decide to skip class, when you decide it’s convenient for you,” Evan retorts still fed up with this whole thing. He knows for a fact she wouldn’t have been home if she hadn’t seen his speech. There was no way she’d actually choose him over class for a night._ _

__“I don’t understand what’s going on with you Evan,” Heidi says finally lowering her tone of voice, just as Evan yells, “Nothing!”_ _

__“You’re giving speeches? You’re the president of a club? Who is that person? Because it’s not you,” Heidi tells him, edging on true desperation, stepping out towards him, like she was going to hug him._ _

__Evan recoils from her coming closer, only hearing that she had the audacity to think she knew anything about him. She didn’t know the person he was. And she didn’t seem to care until right now who he was. But you know who did care and who did know him? Zoe. Cynthia. Even Larry knew more about him than his own mom._ _

__“You’re making a big deal about something that’s not that big of a deal. You’re the one who said to put myself out there! Remember when you told me you didn’t want me home every Friday night? Because I do. And now that I have something, something that helps, you’re accusing me of not being myself?” Evan continues to yell at her, remembering the way she made him feel so horrible right before school started about not having friends. Like it was his own inadequacies that were keeping people away. Maybe that was true then, but he had a friend now, and lots of online friends. Why couldn’t she just accept that as a win for him?_ _

__“What is going on with you Evan, you need to just talk to me,” Heidi begs again, not listening to anything Evan was saying. He was talking to her; she just didn’t want to hear it. She didn’t want to believe that there was any way Evan could be any of those things. That he could’ve been someone’s friend, a president of a club, someone who other people cared about. She didn’t think any of those things would ever be a reality for Evan, her damaged, broken son, so he just screams at her, “Nothing is going on with me!”_ _

__“I’m your mother Evan. I’m your mother,” Heidi yells back, giving up on her desperate take too, when it clearly wasn’t working. Too bad she just wouldn’t give up and let him leave, because nothing was going to work._ _

__“I’m sorry, I don’t, um, I don’t know, but I’m happy. I happy you had a friend and I’m sorry he’s gone. I wish I had just known. If you want to talk about it, I’m…” Heidi trails off, seeing the absolute look of disdain of Evan’s face when he knew what she was going to say next. _That she was there for him_. Even though he’d given her several examples of how untrue that was. Evan is sure for the first time in his life that his face is red with anger and not embarrassment, because how could she possibly be spewing this bullshit to him, again? He would never talk to her, never tell her anything. And not because he didn’t want to, but because he knew she didn’t care. Clearly wouldn’t listen._ _

__“I need to go, my group’s waiting,” Evan tells her neutrally, all the energy from being so angry draining him of everything else. Maybe she was only sticking around for so long because he was reacting? Whenever he just nodded and agreed, she left him alone, time and time again._ _

__“Well, um, are you okay on refills?” Heidi asks him, her go to question when it came to Evan. The only thing she actually knew about him that she could ask about. That he took drugs._ _

__“I don’t need those anymore,” Evan says straight-faced again, he had mostly stopped taking them because he kept forgetting them when he spent the night at Zoe’s and he didn’t really feel any different, so he figured he just didn’t need them anymore._ _

__“Really? So the anxiety? Even with, um, your club?” Heidi asks in complete disbelief that Evan didn’t need drugs to function properly. She was the one who made him take them to begin with, because she thought he needed fixing. That there was something wrong with him. Well, there wasn’t, and he was doing fine without them, without her._ _

__“Well, that’s great. It’s, um, I’m proud of you. I guess those letters really worked,” Heidi says, clearly thinking he was still seeing Dr. Sherman and writing those stupid letters. And all Evan can do is look at her, knowing that she’d never fully understand what that letter had done. The pain it had caused Connor. The lie it had trapped him in. She couldn’t even appreciate the good it done either, she hadn’t even said one good thing about the Connor Project either._ _

__“Well, don’t stay up too late, it’s a school night,” Heidi tells him, finally stepping away from his door. Evan doesn’t waste a second walking past her, mumbling a dry, “I won’t.”_ _

__And Evan just walks away from her, wanting nothing more than to be at the Murphy’s._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully this chapter was okay! I just mostly wanted to show that Evan is really immersing himself into the Murphy family, and trusts no one else. And hopefully there was some foreshadowing??? Next up will be the dinner with Heidi and the Murphy's with some Good For You elements and Evan and Heidi's big fight. And that money isn't going to raise itself, so... And Only Us will appear, but out of order from the musical so expect to see it in a later chapter. Stay Tuned!!! 
> 
> P.S. If you read Good Things Are Finally Coming My Way, please don't hesitate to drop a request/suggestion in the comments :)


	8. Your Not My Homeland Anymore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heidi Hansen joins the Murphy's for dinner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi Everyone!! So originally I planned two more sections for this chapter, but it was already getting a little long and I wanted to upload a chapter today to stay on schedule. So I decided to push some stuff to next chapter and I think it'll be okay (hopefully)! And I know I promised Good For You this chapter, and it's there a little bit, but I didn't think about how Jared and Alana wouldn't be in it for this AU, so that took out some scenes. But a smidge of Heidi's section is there :) I really hope you like this chapter!
> 
> Thank you to everyone who loves on this story, it truly means so much to me, so please keep doing it!!!! Happy Reading!

Evan was feeling good, like actually truly good. He hadn’t seen his mom in the few days since he’d yelled at her and deliberately told her that he and Connor had been best friends. And while that normally would have had him spinning and worrying, now he really didn’t care. He liked the freedom to do whatever he wanted for the first time since, ever. And that freedom meant spending even more time with Zoe and her parents, the family he wanted. He cared more about what the Murphy’s thought of him than his mom, her opinion was mattering to him less and less every day. 

He had gone on a family picnic over the weekend with the Murphy’s, hiking up to one of Evan and Zoe’s favorite trails in Ellison. And throughout the afternoon, they’d let Evan talk all about the history and the facts he knew about the trees and the surrounding plants. It had been fun and positive and for the first time since knowing them, neither Larry nor Cynthia ask him about Connor. He got to be solely Evan, an Evan that he wanted to show them. An Evan that he wanted them to like more than anything. 

And for the first time too, Evan lets himself think about the future, and the things he maybe wants for it. He honestly had never thought he’d make it this far, or actually be able to go to college. His mom constantly pushed it on him, sure, but it hadn’t been real until now. And it was starting to sound less daunting and a little more exciting. He didn’t have a plan yet, but he knew he wanted to leave his mom’s house, and he knew she wanted that too. Maybe he could apply to the local junior college? That sounded like a nice step towards something at least. And if he stayed closed, he wouldn’t have to leave Zoe, which he knew he wouldn’t be able to do. She had a year left of high school still, so it was really his only real option. Maybe he could get a part time job too, something more than a junior park ranger? That seemed terrifying, but it would be worth it to stay with Zoe. He’d do anything if it meant staying with her. And he was supposed to hear back about some of those essays soon, so maybe that would work out for him and he’d have a little money. 

But he didn’t need it all figured out just yet, he had time to figure it out and he knew Zoe would help. Honestly if he asked Cynthia or Larry, he was sure they’d help or at least guide him in a way his own mom never could. They were already talking about colleges with Zoe, so they probably would want him to go too. Maybe after all this Kickstarter stuff was over, he’d ask them about it, because that was really the only thing bothering him right now. 

In the days that he’d refused to talk to Alana or Jared, he’d forgotten how pushy Alana was and how much Jared had become her right-hand man. He was honestly happy that they seemed to get along so well, but he hated how they both now pestered him constantly to do more for the Connor Project. He wasn’t the one who thought it was a good idea to try and raise $50,000 in three weeks. He knew it was ridiculous, and it takes most of his willpower to not remind them of that constantly. 

And he didn’t know why they were so worried about the dumb goal. The Connor Project had already raised like $25,000 which was an insane amount of money. They could do so much stuff at the high school, just making it better, easier for kids who were struggling, but no, Jared and Alana wanted to reopen the orchard. And apparently the only way to do that was to just keep uploading videos, which is how he ends up, for seriously the hundredth time, trapped in the hallway at school, arguing with Alana. 

“There’s only a week and a half until the fundraiser is over, Evan. The community wants to hear from the Murphy family, to see Connor’s family,” Alana insists crossing her arms impatiently, staring Evan down as he squirmed uncomfortably under her stare. 

“I don’t know Alana, that’s a lot to ask of Mr. and Mrs. Murphy,” Evan tries to reason with her, looking for any way to speed this up because like usual, he had plans with Zoe. They did this constantly, Alana asked for the Murphy’s and he said no, back and forth, on and on, it was getting old. 

“I won’t ask you about it again if you just ask them. If they say no, I’ll drop it, but you won’t even ask Evan. You’re literally always at their house, just ask,” Alana keeps bugging him, and he has to admit, the thought of her not asking him is enticing. He had never wanted to do it because he didn’t want them to feel obligated or made to feel uncomfortable about their son dying. He couldn’t imagine talking about the death of child for millions of people on the internet. It felt like something he would want to handle in private, but maybe he was denying them something that could help them. And he didn’t want that. 

“Fine Alana, I’ll ask them. But seriously, if they say yes, just remember it hasn’t been that long since we all lost Connor. Don’t be…um, just remember that,” Evan tells her, second guessing at the last second to tell her not to be pushy, knowing for a fact Alana would be mad at that. 

“I do remember that Evan. And I’m trying to make sure no one forgets that. Maybe you should remember what it feels like to be forgotten,” Alana starts before she’s interrupted by Jared appearing from around the corner, where he’d clearly been listening in, finishing Alana’s thought with, “Because it seems like if your _secret_ best friend Connor Murphy hadn’t died, that’s where you’d be too.” 

Evan just rolls his eyes at him, about to just walk away from both of them when Jared adds haughtily, “But everything is actually great, because you have Zoe now, and that’s pretty convenient timing.”

That makes Evan mad. What the hell was Jared implying? That he wanted Connor to die as a way to “get” to Zoe or something? And Zoe already told him that she’d liked him before Connor died, so there was a chance they could’ve found each other under different circumstances. But why would Jared care about that? Not when he had the opportunity to make Evan feel bad about his relationship. 

But it wasn’t going to work. Evan was sick of Jared and his bullshit and ever since his fight with his mom, he’d been feeling more and more confrontational. Less and less afraid to stand up for himself and the things he knew were good, like Zoe. So Evan crosses his arms defensively like Alana and shoots back, “What’s that supposed to mean?” 

“Nothing, really,” Jared says, but Alana steps in, moving her arms to grabs her backpack straps, pulling them tightly, telling Evan, “You should hear the things people say about you two. You said it’s too soon to talk to Connor’s mom, but not too soon for you to be dating his sister? People think it’s weird and disrespectful.” 

“Dude I know you like stalked her, but she’s Connor’s sister and like two days after he died, you guys are best friends? It’s just seemed like pretty good circumstances for you,” Jared says, knowing it would make Evan mad. And he’s right, Evan’s even angrier than before, but not for the reason Jared probably thinks. He hates when people refer to Zoe as just Connor’s sister, like she wasn’t her own person. And he knows she hates that more than anything. And what? They couldn’t help each other through this loss? They should suffer alone because they both meant something different to Connor? Well, Evan knew he hadn’t really meant anything to Connor, but still, it was the principle of the matter, and Zoe had. Did no one care about how she was dealing with everything? 

“You know we’re both allowed to be more than that. We’re allowed to grieve Connor and also help each other. And we’re happy. Are you saying we’re never allowed to be happy again?” Evan tells them raising his voice and getting a couple stares from random students in the hallway, but he didn’t care, he knew he was right. 

“We just thought you should know that not everyone thinks it’s as sweet as they say on your message board,” Alana says, ignoring the questions Evan had posed to them, in a way that Evan thinks she sort of knew what he meant, but didn’t want to admit it. But Alana didn’t get a reputation for being gossipy for no reason, so it makes sense that she actually thought Evan should know the negative things people were saying. 

“Whatever, I don’t care, and neither does Zoe,” Evan says clinging to the fact that no one knew about the intricacies of his and Zoe’s relationship, and they didn’t need to. They knew what they meant to each other and that’s all that mattered. They could live outside the sphere of Connor; he wasn’t the linchpin of their existence. 

“Well…” Alana says trailing off, clearly not expecting Evan to just not care, looking over to Jared for back-up. But before Jared can say anything, Evan just turns and leaves, saying while walking away, “I’ll ask Cynthia, but after that, no more.” 

He really couldn’t wait for the fundraiser to be over because he thinks it might be time to just break away from the Connor Project. He could take over his “message board” as Alana had snidely called it and do his own thing with Zoe. He would never pressure her to be in videos or posts the way Alana did. Evan didn’t know why Alana couldn’t just give her and the rest of her family space to grieve. 

And if they wanted to make videos still for his website, Evan was sure him and Zoe could do it just fine. Zoe had helped him film a portion of a video earlier this week, and it had turned out really nice, if the nice comments people were leaving were any indication. They could keep doing that. Or drop it all together and just monitor their website. Both were good options in Evan’s opinion, and both had nothing to do with Jared or Alana. 

He doesn’t mention his continued arguing with Alana and Jared, or the mean things they’d said when he meets Zoe by her car, kissing her in greeting. Evan loves the way Zoe kisses him as eagerly as he kisses her, that she was excited to see him and be with him. He didn’t want to ruin his now happy mood by rehashing, he’d wait until tonight at dinner to ask Larry and Cynthia about Alana’s request. He’d rather listen to Zoe’s cheerful chatter and singing than bring them both down. Did that make him selfish or thoughtful? He wasn’t sure, but he tells himself not to worry about it and just gets lost in Zoe instead. 

When they get home, instead of heading immediately up to Zoe’s room like they normally do, they both head to the kitchen, thinking they could grab some snacks and actually do some homework in the dining room. They’d found they easily become distracted when they’re alone in Zoe’s bedroom, which was obviously fun, but sometimes they did need to get a little work done before they got too carried away. 

But they find Cynthia making trays and trays of cookies when they walk in, much to their surprise and delight. 

“What’s going on with all these cookies Mom?” Zoe asks, sneaking one off the cooling rack and breaking it in half, giving half to Evan, smiling at him as her mom swatted playfully at her hand, shooing her away from the cooling treats. 

“These are for the teen center. I read that they needed some donations, to make some renovations, hire another staff member, those kinds of things, so our family is going to help out. And I thought the kids might like some cookies. Do you two want to help?” Cynthia tells them, moving to go grab another tray out of the oven and put a new one in. Evan thinks it’s really nice the Murphy’s are donating to other organizations that help kids who are struggling. They’d donated to the Connor Project obviously, but Evan was glad they were looking elsewhere to help because he didn’t know how much of the Connor Project money was actually going to be used to help people.

Zoe looks over to Evan, silently asking if him if he wanted to blow off homework just a little longer and make some cookies, and Evan’s already nodding, grabbing Zoe’s bag from her to set it aside. He loved baking and never really got to do it. It was hard to bake things for just yourself.

“Yeah we’ll help,” Zoe tells her mom, looking around for something to do, finding the mixing bowl with next to all the ingredients, asking her, “Can we make another batch?”

“Yeah, and then I think we’ll have enough cookies. Can you two handle watching the ones in the oven while I call the center?” Cynthia asks them, already walking out of the kitchen into the Murphy’s home office. 

“I guess we’re watching the ones in the oven,” Zoe laughs, pulling Evan to the sink to wash their hands before starting the new batch of cookie dough. Evan thinks it’s the perfect opportunity to wrap his arms around her from behind, kissing her cheek playfully, not stopping until she starts to flick water at him, laughing the whole time. Evan only ever wants to hear Zoe laugh; it makes him happy to know that she was happy. 

When Cynthia comes back about ten minutes later, she finds both Evan and Zoe with their shirts covered in flour, pelting each other with chocolate chips, hiding behind pans, and laughing freely. She doesn’t really care about the mess they were making, she only cares that they were having a good time, behaving like normal sixteen and seventeen-year-olds, without the weight of the world upon them. They stop immediately, looking guilty when they notice Cynthia standing there, but break out into huge smiles when Cynthia bends down to gather loose chocolate chips and starts throwing them at Zoe too, joining in on their fun. 

All three of them keep play fighting until the timer for the cookies goes off, bringing them back into reality. And Evan doesn’t think he’s ever had this much fun with a parent around, playing with them because they could and wanted to. It was really nice and makes Evan love this family even more than he already did, if that was possible. And he thinks this might be the right time to ask about Alana’s dumb video, that if it brought their mood down, maybe they could go back to playing and forget Evan even asked anything. 

“Um, Cynthia?” Evan starts as she grabs the cookie pan out of the oven, making Zoe look at him a little confused, wondering what he could be asking. 

Cynthia sets the hot pan down, turning to give her full attention to Evan as he starts to ask, “Um, Alana wants to know if you would want to be in a video for the Connor Project. You don’t have to if you don’t want to, but she been asking me to ask you for weeks. And um, yeah…” 

Evan sees Zoe roll her eyes a little, knowing that Evan was correct in that Alana had been bugging both of them for weeks, but he notices a small shift in her attitude, carefully listening to what her mom was going to say. 

“Well, I, I guess I never thought about being in those with you kids, but I think that would be okay,” Cynthia says contemplatively, walking over to Zoe and setting her hand on her shoulder, adding, “The videos that are up are nice, but I think it might be good for other kids to hear how much they’d be missed by their parents. How hard it is afterwards for an entire family to lose someone they loved so much.” 

Cynthia starts to tear up a little and Zoe wraps her arm around her mom, giving her a side hug, offering, “I would do it with you Mom, if you want that.” 

Cynthia nods her head squeezing Zoe gently, and Evan looks over to Zoe, meeting her gaze, asking, “You sure you want to be in it? You don’t have to Zo.” 

“Yeah, it’ll be okay Evan. I want to support my Mom,” Zoe says squeezing Cynthia back, watching her wipe away the tiny tears at the corners of her eyes, adding, “I don’t even really need to talk, but I can be in it. And I want to, I promise.” 

Evan is still a little skeptical, but he knew Zoe just wanted to be there for her mom, and if things started to make her uncomfortable when they filmed, he knew she’d tell him. And he’d fight Alana as much as he had to the day of if Zoe changed her mind.

“Okay, well I’ll tell Alana, and we can stop whenever if you change your mind,” Evan says, walking into Cynthia’s other side as she gestured for him. Evan wraps his other arm around Zoe, pulling them all into this hug, loving that the video discussion didn’t ruin their whole afternoon. And he really hopes that this video goes well, that it’ll make Alana happy enough to stop bothering them about it. Then they could slowly detach themselves from her and finally do their own thing. 

==

Alana is extremely happy when Evan tells her the next day that Cynthia and Zoe would film a video, and Evan’s glad that she’s in a good mood. When Alana was happy about something, neither her nor Jared were that mean or demanding to Evan. But he hasn’t forgotten what they’d said the day before, that his and Zoe’s relationship was weird and disrespectful. It wasn’t either of those things, and Evan knew that. His relationship with Zoe was one of the few good things in his life, and he wasn’t going to let them ruin it. 

They were scheduled to film the video tomorrow at the Murphy’s house and Evan was okay with that. The sooner they got it over with, the sooner they could stop talking about it, the sooner the fundraiser would be over, and Evan could go back to his part of the Connor Project away from Jared and Alana. 

At least the video wasn’t today though, because school had been stressful today, just from regular school stuff. Both Evan and Zoe had had surprise pop quizzes in at least one of their classes, and Evan had been assigned an actual group project (which wasn’t as scary as it used to be, but he was still nervous about it) and Zoe had gotten a different test back and she’d only gotten B- which made her upset too. They were both ready to just have dinner and probably go upstairs and make-out in Zoe’s room, replace the stress of the day with something fun that they were getting quite good at. Something that both of them were enjoying learning with each other.

But when they walk through the door, they both hear people talking in the formal living room. Someone who wasn’t Cynthia or Larry was there and that confused both of them because they didn’t know there was going to be guests tonight. 

Zoe presses her finger to her mouth, signaling Evan to be quiet as she creeped a little further in, trying to see who was there, and if they should go hide in her room or if was okay to go in the living room. Zoe’s eyes go wide, and Evan knows he needs to see who’s here, so he comes up behind her, listening in and spying into the living room. And he freezes when he sees his mom drinking wine, chatting with Cynthia. What was she doing here? She was going to ruin everything he’d come to love about being with the Murphy’s. These two parts of his life weren’t supposed to intersect…ever. This was bad, really bad. 

“So Evan says you’re studying to be a lawyer,” Cynthia says, trying to make small talk to a slightly uncomfortable looking Heidi Hansen, who responds coolly, “Paralegal, actually.” 

Zoe and Evan sneak back into the foyer to whisper to each other about the current situation, Evan asking in a very rushed tone, clearly starting to get upset, “Zo, did you know about this?”

“No, of course not Ev. I would’ve told you, and I would’ve tried to convince my parents this was a bad idea,” Zoe says, not at all defensively, knowing that Evan was just really stressed. Having his mom here, a place he considered safe, especially after not talking to her for several days, was throwing him into a panic. 

Zoe notices Evan’s labored breathing and gently sets her hands on his face, turning him to look at her, before letting them slowly trail down to his neck, pulling him close, telling him softly, “Hey, Ev. I’m here, you don’t have to do this alone. It’s just one dinner, maybe it’ll be okay?” 

Evan responds by pulling her closer, trying to match her slow, steady breathing, setting his head on her shoulder, whispering to her, “No, Zo, you don’t understand. My mom, she’s, she’s. It’s not going to be okay.” 

Zoe moves her hands so that they’re resting on Evan’s lower back, gently making circles, knowing it was something he liked, reassuring him, “Ev, I know how your mom can be. I promise we’ll get through this. And no matter what happens, my parents won’t hate you, so don’t even think that.”

Evan nods against her slowly, letting her words sink in, knowing they were the exact opposite of what his mind was screaming at him. That he should run. Get as far away from whatever was coming as he could. That nothing good was going to come from his mom seeing what he’d been up to the last couple of weeks. That his mom shouldn’t be here. Why did she only appear at the worst times? Why was she never there when he actually needed her?

But the more he focuses on Zoe, the feeling of her hands on him, the smell of her hair, the sound of her soothing voice and her heartbeat, everything about this moment, the less anxious he was getting. He still thought Zoe, Cynthia, and Larry interacting with his mom was a colossal mistake, something he was going to have spend weeks trying to fix afterwards, but Zoe was right, at least he wasn’t alone. And he doesn’t really think anything could happen tonight to make Zoe hate him. She knew his deepest secrets, seen him at his very worst, and still wanted to be with him, so there wasn’t much that could probably change that. 

“Okay,” Evan says shakily, putting all his faith into whatever Zoe thought. If she thought it would maybe be okay, then maybe he could think that too. Evan slowly pulls away from her and Zoe immediately interlaces their hands, squeezing his gently, leading him quietly back to their hiding spot in front of the living room, listening into their parent’s conversation once more. 

“Oh Heidi, we’ve been meaning to reach out, but Evan says you’re so busy,” Cynthia starts, pouring another glass of wine as Larry comes in through the kitchen with another bottle. 

“Well, I mean, I’m not that busy,” Heidi tells her defensively and Evan squeezes Zoe’s hand, trying to keep himself from getting too worked up about everything. His mom was lying again. She literally was always busy. He hadn’t seen her in like four days, that was plenty of evidence.

“Well, I asked Evan if you minded him spending so much time here, and he said it wasn’t a problem because of your schedule, that he was happy to be here,” Cynthia says politely, sipping on her wine, unsure what to say next. Evan glances nervously at Zoe, knowing that this was going to be even worse than he’d thought if this was what was being said without Evan around. When they did decide to join the adults, he wasn’t going to be able to lie as fluidly as he did at home. 

“He spends a lot of time here?” Heidi questions, looking around at the grandeur of the Murphy’s house, the look on her face clearly showing her shock at this news. This time Zoe squeezes his hand comfortingly, knowing exactly what Evan was thinking and that he didn’t always necessarily tell his mom where he was or what he was doing. 

“Evan has been such a comfort to us, we love having him here,” Larry says, sitting next to Cynthia, wrapping her arm around her gently, as she says, “You know Evan and our Connor were very close.”

“Yeah, I didn’t even know him and Connor were even friends,” Heidi tells them awkwardly, clearly wondering why these people were talking as if Evan was with them every single night, as if he were replacing their own son. 

“Oh, you know boys and their secrets,” Cynthia says, laughing it off, while Heidi clearly wanted to talk more about why neither of them knew that their sons had been friends. That it wasn’t normal to have secret best friends. 

“I think we should go in before they keep talking about this. It looks like your mom wants to ask more questions,” Zoe whispers into Evan’s ear, kissing his cheek lightly as she pulled away from him. Evan only nods in response, unable to really articulate words right now, knowing that he might just say what he was thinking, which no one needed to hear.

Zoe pulls them into the living room, a forced smile on her face, acting like they just got home saying, “Sorry we’re late for dinner, band was running late again.” 

“Oh it’s okay loves, we were just getting to know each other,” Cynthia says cheerfully to Zoe, glad the kids were home now, unaware that both of them were tense and not acting normally, especially Evan. They were both still standing awkwardly in the living, making no move to sit down with the adults. 

Heidi is eyeing Evan up and down suspiciously and he is deliberately not looking at her, keeping his eyes on the ground, trying his hardest to not over-squeeze Zoe’s hand, knowing that he was gripping it tightly already. Maybe if he didn’t look at his mom or say anything tonight, it would be okay. The was an okay plan. All he had to do was not say something stupid, get too angry, start to cry, hurt Zoe’s hand, ruin any of his lies, lie more, or pass out. He didn’t think he could do all those at once, but he should try, right? 

“Evan, we invited your mom over for dinner. We thought it was time to meet her,” Cynthia says looking over to Evan, making him look up at her slightly, hoping to see that he was excited about this, and all she’s met with is a very strained nod and Zoe putting her other hand over their already laced ones. 

“I didn’t think um, Evan, well uh, the kids would be here tonight,” Heidi says, finally looking away from Evan, but not really acknowledging either Evan or Zoe’s presence in any other way. She was probably still mad at Evan from the other night. Still thinking that this life couldn’t be _his_. That he brought this rich, nice family comfort in any way, because he only brought her grief. 

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t think to tell you, I thought you knew they’d be home,” Cynthia says again politely, honestly thinking that Heidi would know that Evan was going to be at their house, joining them for dinner. It wasn’t Cynthia’s fault that Heidi didn’t know about anything Evan did. 

It’s awkward and quiet after that, no one in the room having anything to say, now that they knew this dinner was a complete surprise to Heidi. But it’s brave, confident Zoe who breaks the awkward silence, stepping towards Heidi, reaching out to shake her hand, saying, “Hi, I’m Zoe. It’s nice to meet you.” 

Zoe never lets go of Evan’s hand reaching towards Heidi, which only draws attention to the fact that they were holding hands, when Evan didn’t step towards his mom with her. And Heidi is staring at their hands, puzzled as to why they were doing it and why Evan was basically clinging to her. It takes a while for Heidi to register that Evan and Zoe were _together_ , like dating or something, clearly more than friends. And all Heidi does is limply shake Zoe’s hand, stiffly saying, “Oh good.” 

It’s weird and awkward and now Zoe is for sure a little uncomfortable, wishing that her and Evan had just left when they had the chance. But she steps back to Evan who starts moving his thumb back and forth over her hand, mad that his mom wasn’t recognizing Zoe’s attempt to make this night better. He wanted Zoe to know that it wasn’t her or anything she was doing, that it was his mom who was being rude to everyone. He still didn’t even know why she was here, if it had been him who had asked her to stay for dinner, she would’ve gone to work without a second thought. 

“Kids, come sit down. Your mom made you both some drinks,” Larry says, getting up to grab the mentioned drinks, handing them to Evan and Zoe, encouraging them to sit down, hoping to break the tension. 

“Oh, Evan can’t have alcohol,” Heidi says, looking disdainfully at the drink in Evan’s hand, just assuming that the Murphy’s would be offering teenagers alcohol, because that’s what uppity rich people did. 

“There isn’t alcohol in those, we wouldn’t serve Zoe and Evan alcohol, they’re underage,” Cynthia says, unsure if she should be offended or not, looking over to Larry to see what he thought of the situation. Larry doesn’t get a chance to respond because Evan says for the first time since coming into the living room, in a very tense voice, “Mom, I, um, I thought you had to work tonight?” 

It’s a very thinly coded ‘why are you here’ and Evan’s attempt to chide his mother over her behavior. How dare she come in and accuse Cynthia and Larry of something like that? And what foot did she have to stand on about parenting? So what if Murphy’s might have let them drink, at least they would’ve have been doing it responsibly. Evan could have been drinking every night, alone in his house and she wouldn’t have known. 

“Well this seemed pretty important, so I’m playing hooky tonight,” Heidi says lightly, possibly attempting to remedy her strained actions from before, attempting to turn the night around. But it doesn’t work on Evan, it only makes him angrier, and he has to remind himself not to hold onto Zoe’s hand so tightly. Since when was anything concerning Evan important to her? He feels like she was lying again just because there were other people around. Or she thought it was important to sneak behind his back, probably so she could ambush him with information about the Murphy’s later. Yeah, that was probably why she thought it was important. 

“Wow Mom, dinner smells amazing,” Zoe says changing the topic trying once again to make this night less terrible, honestly understanding why Evan was so stressed when they saw that Heidi was here. She didn’t mind him holding her hand tightly, as long as it was helping him, but she does try to squeeze back, a little signal to maybe lighten his grip slightly.

Evan looks over to her apologetically, thumbing over her hand again, thankful that she was trying and that he had her to lean on through this horrible night. 

“It’s chicken Milanese, a new recipe,” Cynthia says, engaging with Zoe’s attempt to turn the conversation around, probably reconsidering her idea to invite Heidi over for dinner without talking to Evan about it. 

“Evan, I didn’t realize you were spending so much time here,” Heidi says, directing all her attention back to Evan, probably thinking he couldn’t evade his way out of questions if the Murphy’s were watching him. 

“Well you’ve been working a lot, class and stuff,” Evan mumbles angrily. It wasn’t fair that his mom was using this time to call him out. Why couldn’t she just have dinner with them normally and yell at him later? Why was she purposely making everyone else uncomfortable? 

“Why did I think you were at Jared’s?” Heidi questions him, and that one truly has him stumped. He had no idea why Heidi would think he was at Jared’s. He never said anything or hinted anything like that. He told her he was at the library most of the time.

“I don’t know. I never said I was,” Evan says sharply, hating that his mom still only thought he was friends with Jared. Had she not noticed that he never talks about him, never has anything positive to say about Jared, literally cringes when she brings him up? No. She didn’t. 

“Evan, you let your mom know when you’re here right? Or at least when you spend the night?” Cynthia asks, thinking she was helping him, not knowing she was making it worse for Evan, exposing that he not only stayed the night frequently, but that he also didn’t ever tell his mom. 

“Um, I don’t know,” Evan says vaguely, turning in to face Zoe instead, not wanting to look at his mom’s stunned face, knowing she was angry and not wanting to look at Cynthia, knowing she was disappointed in him. But honestly why did it matter where he was? His mom wasn’t home so why did he have to be? Why couldn’t he just be happy and spend time with people who cared about him?

“Well you can rest assured that we take very good care of him. He has his own room and everything, and we have an open-door policy around here,” Larry says and Evan can’t even get mad at Larry, because he knew he was trying to reassure Heidi, trying to do a good thing, but it’s making it even worse. And his comment about the door just draws attention back to the fact that him and Zoe were together, something he knew had been glossed over earlier. 

“How nice,” Heidi says, in a tone that very clearly indicates that she didn’t think it was nice at all. Evan just wanted this night to be over. To go back to when he thought they were going to have a normal dinner and him and Zoe were just going to kiss (and maybe a little more) in her room. 

“Um, we’re really excited about the concert coming up and soon Evan will hear back from one of his essay contests. So we have a lot to look forward to,” Zoe says, trying one more time to save this conversation, to switch the subject from Evan sleeping over at his girlfriend and dead secret best friend’s house. God, he was glad she was here and trying for him. There was no way he actually deserved her. 

“Well Evan is a great writer, and I suggested he do those,” Heidi responds, sipping her wine and not all looking over to Zoe, not inquiring further about the concert she had mentioned. And that really pisses Evan off. He gets that he never told his mom that he had a girlfriend, and sure she can be mad at him for that, but she didn’t need to be so mean to Zoe. She was trying her best to make this weird dinner better and she was the sweetest, kindest person in the world. She didn’t deserve that, her own parents ignored her enough when Connor was alive. Not caring if his mom saw, Evan quickly kisses her hand, whispering, “The concert’s going to be amazing,” watching as she gave him a small smile in return.

“I don’t find that hard to believe at all, Evan’s a good kid. So smart, Zoe too,” Larry says, clapping Evan on the back and smiling at Zoe proudly. Zoe and Evan both smile gratefully back at him, liking that he was attempting to compliment Zoe too. 

“His teacher last year said he wrote one of the best papers she’s ever read on _Sulu_ ,” Heidi says, bringing the attention back to Evan, and Evan can’t understand why. And she didn’t even get his paper or the year he wrote it right. It’s like the one thing she remembered about him and she couldn’t even get it right. More evidence that she didn’t actually notice or care. 

“That seems very Evan,” Cynthia says kindly, reaching over Larry to ruffle Evan’s hair in a very motherly way, and it reminds Evan how much nicer Cynthia was to him versus his own mom and it pushes him to correct his mom, saying tersely, “It was _Sula_ and it was my freshman year.”

“What did I say?” Heidi asks, annoyed that Evan corrected her. But it wasn’t his fault she didn’t know things about him. Maybe if she thought more things that concerned him were “important” like this terrible dinner, she’d have more than one compliment ready to use about her son. 

“Sulu,” Evan says dryly, looking over to her for probably the first time the whole night, just as Larry tries to ease the tension radiating from them saying, “Sulu? I think that’s a character on _Star Trek_.” 

“Well my mistake, I suppose,” Heidi says setting down her wine glass and Evan slightly wonders how mad Zoe would be if he just catapulted both of them out the window? Maybe he could pick her up and just move both of them out of this situation through the door? Would that make his need to escape this nightmare more normal? 

“But, um, since we’re on the topic of scholarships, kind of,” Larry starts and Evan and Zoe glance at each other very confused where Larry was going with this, as he passes the his loose explanation to Cynthia, “I guess now’s as good of time as any, Cynthia, do you want to…”

Cynthia nods her head and looks over to Heidi who was looking both angrier and more uncomfortable by the minute, saying, “Well we know Zoe’s been helping Evan with those scholarship essays and we’ve talked a little bit about college with Evan, you know with Zoe being so close to that too, and um, we were expecting to do the same, um, we hoped that Connor…but anyways, Larry and I were just thinking about it, and we’ve been very fortunate to set aside money for both of our kids.” 

Cynthia starts to tear up, and Evan thinks it because she was talking about Connor in a different way than they ever had. He’d never considered all the things Connor’s family were probably looking forward to this year with Connor graduating. All the things they’d get to do with Zoe, but never with Connor. 

Larry tries to pat her on the shoulder, comforting her as she teared up, waiting for her to continue, not unlike the time they had called Evan into the principal’s office. Cynthia takes a deep breath and continues, “I’m okay, I’m okay. Well Heidi, we really wanted to meet you because we wanted to thank you in person for allowing your son into our lives. He meant so much to our Connor, and we just love him so much.” 

Now Evan is honestly confused, and he knows Zoe is too. Why had Cynthia been talking about college earlier? And now she was thanking Heidi, even though she’d been rude all night? What was happening? Something bad, Evan was sure. 

“And with your blessing, we would like to give Evan the money we set aside for Connor. So that he can follow his dreams,” Cynthia says tearfully, letting Larry take over, asking Heidi hopefully, “What do you think?” 

“Well, wow, um that is, I don’t even know what to say,” Heidi says completely stunned that the Murphy’s were offering to pay for Evan’s college. And Evan is stunned too. He never asked for that, when he’d been thinking of help, he wanted to know like what colleges to apply to and what to write for a good admissions essay, not financially. The way Zoe starts thumbing his hand, he knows she didn’t know either. 

“It would such a gift to us if we could do this for Evan,” Larry says, standing up making everything feel like an official deal or something, as Cynthia emphasizes, “A tremendous gift, Heidi.” 

And Evan risks glancing at his mom, noticing her tensing up, standing up from her seat, saying icily, “Well, thank you so much, but…Evan’s going to be fine, we’re going to be fine. We don’t have a lot of money, but there’s some for Evan’s college.” 

And if there was money for Evan to go to college, that was news to him. If everything was going to be okay, why had she been pressuring him so much about those essays earlier in the year, saying they’d need all the help they could get. He wasn’t saying he was going to except that exorbitant amount of money from the Murphy’s but now that they were offering help, his mom didn’t want it? And none of them have even asked him what he wanted. He hadn’t pitched his junior college idea to anyone yet, not even Zoe. He knows now is not the time though. 

“Oh we didn’t mean…” Cynthia says standing up too, leaving Evan and Zoe curled into one another on the couch, the adults not particularly paying attention to them. 

“No, no I understand,” Heidi says cutting Cynthia off, grabbing her purse and continuing, “I just…we do have money. I’m sorry you were under the impression that we didn’t. And Evan can work or get scholarships for what we don’t have. That’s what’s best for us. I don’t want Evan to get the idea that it’s okay to rely on other people for favors.” 

“This isn’t a favor Heidi, we want to do this for Evan,” Larry tries to say as Heidi interrupts him, clearly flustered, “Well, but, as his mother, I need to set an example for Evan, that you can’t just expect things from strangers.” 

“We are not strangers,” Cynthia tells her, offended that Heidi didn’t see them as an extension of Evan’s family. That they actually cared about him. Why would it be a bad thing that more adults and more people wanted to be invested in Evan’s life? He knows that’s hard for his mom to believe, but it was real. Some people actually liked Evan, weren’t burdened by his presence.

“No, of course not, apparently you guys are much closer. Well thank you for the wine, but I think I need to head out,” Heidi says, clutching her bag tighter to herself, looking for the way to the front door. And Evan as terrible as it is, is somewhat happy she was leaving. He needed time to process what was going on, and he couldn’t do that if she were here. He wished she hadn’t come at all.

“You’re not staying for dinner?” Cynthia asks still trying to be polite, and Evan doesn’t know why. He kind of felt from the beginning of this debacle that his mom wasn’t going to actually stay. He surprised she’s not telling them she was late to be somewhere, study group, class, work, it didn’t actually matter. She was always late when she didn’t care and wanted to leave. Whenever it came to him.

“If I’d known that Evan was so concerned about our finances, I would never have taken the night off,” Heidi says, and Evan isn’t looking at her, but he can feel her glare, especially as he doesn’t get up or say anything to defend her or himself. 

A few awkward moments pass before Heidi actually walks out of their house and Evan knows what Cynthia and Larry must be thinking, so he compulsively blurts out, “I’m so sorry. I, um, I don’t know why she’s like that. I’m sorry.” 

“It’s okay Evan,” Cynthia tells him, sitting beside him, adding, “We maybe should have told you beforehand, what we were thinking. And we could have probably not sprung it on your mom like that.” 

“No, you guys were trying to be so nice, so generous, and I um, I don’t really deserve that. I probably shouldn’t even stay tonight; I should probably go home. Try to, um, reason with her. But I want to keep being here. I feel better when I’m here,” Evan says getting quieter as he continued to speak, curling into Zoe even more, kind of hating that they couldn’t be hugging or be closer right now. 

“Evan, you don’t have to leave if you don’t want to,” Zoe tells him softly, knowing that her parents would agree, reaching out for his other hand, lacing it with hers. She was trying her best to support him, knowing that Evan was going to think about and replay these last thirty minutes over and over in his head, wondering what he could’ve done to fix it. And she feels guilty that she’d told him everything would be okay. To be fair though, that was when she thought it might be a normal dinner, not when her parents were offering to pay for Evan’s college. There was a big difference there. 

“Evan, you’ll always be welcome here, we promise. Don’t think too much about that,” Larry says trying to help calm Evan too. And it’s so hard for him to want to leave, to try to talk to his mom, when he had everything he wanted right here. Why should he have to give that up to go home? But he knew he had too. If his mom truly did take tonight off, he knew there wasn’t going to be another chance to talk to her, to make her see how rude she’d been to Zoe and to Cynthia and Larry. To make her see all that he needed more than a couple minutes a week to be okay. That the Murphy’s gave him that. 

“Thank you,” Evan whispers, looking up at both Cynthia and Larry appreciatively, wishing that they were actually his parents. 

“I can drive you, if you want Ev?” Zoe asks him gently, asking him more so than her parents, knowing there was no way they’d be okay with Evan walking home after this. Evan nods slowly, letting Zoe pull him up from the couch into the waiting arms of her parents. 

“Evan, you just call if you need anything tonight, okay?” Cynthia tells him, hugging him tightly, somewhat apologizing for organizing this dinner, knowing that it was not the outcome any of them had wanted. 

Evan just nods again, leaning in for one more hug from Cynthia, before grabbing Zoe’s hand again, following her out of the house and into her car. Zoe kisses him softly before opening his door and walking to the driver’s side and getting in herself. Neither of them says anything, but they don’t really need to. Zoe puts on her ‘Evan’ playlist, hoping the carefully curated music would help him feel a little bit better about what happened. 

The music helps a little, but honestly the quietness and being near Zoe is what actually helps him calm down enough to gather the courage to talk with his mom more. He likes that Zoe doesn’t pressure him to talk about anything, but that she’d listen anyways when he was ready. And he’s definitely not ready when she pulls up to his house and puts her car in park. 

They sit there quietly for a few minutes, before Zoe breaks the silence, telling Evan guiltily, “I didn’t know my parents were going to do that. I think I mentioned the essay thing like once before tonight. I never said you couldn’t pay for college or anything like that. And I’m sorry I shouldn’t have said tonight would be okay.” 

This whole time Evan had thought Zoe was being quiet to give him space to think and process, he didn’t think it was because she was feeling guilty, thinking this whole night had been her fault. She hadn’t done anything wrong. Zoe always helped him clean up his messes, she never was the one who made them. 

“No, Zo. It’s okay, you’re okay. Tonight wasn’t your fault at all. I didn’t think your parents were going to offer to pay for college. I don’t think anyone could have guessed that. Please don’t blame yourself,” Evan says sincerely, taking one of Zoe’s hands out of her lap to hold, continuing, “And I um, I probably should’ve maybe told my mom where I’d been. But I never really had the chance, and I didn’t want to.”

Zoe squeezes his hand gently, laying her head against his shoulder over the console in her car, relieved that Evan didn’t blame her, but still feeling slightly responsible for this mess. She absentmindedly starts playing with the string of Evan’s hoodie now that he no longer had his cast, waiting for him to explain more, because she knew he wasn’t done. 

“And I was kinda hoping that after that first time when your mom asked me to stay the night, that your parents might just understand and not bring my parents up. I wanted to keep all of you a secret because I thought if she knew, then she’d try to take it away from me. Being with you, being part of your family Zo, it’s the happiest I’ve been since I can even remember,” Evan tells her, running his free hand through her hair, taking comfort knowing that Zoe wasn’t going to judge him for being so selfish. That she could see past the very worst parts of him. 

“I’m sorry that my parents brought up the sleepovers and how much time you spend with us, but I think it’s because they feel the same, and I do too. We’re happy with you as part of our family. I think that’s all they were trying to convey to your mom,” Zoe says, reaching up to kiss his jaw lightly from her spot on his shoulder. 

“I know, and I’m not mad at your parents, they were trying to do the nicest thing for me. I’m mad at myself and so angry at my mom. She doesn’t understand how you and your family could genuinely like me and want me around. I always kind of knew that something this would happen, that she’d find out eventually, but I’m going to try to make her see, make her understand,” Evan says sadly, but determined. He never used to use his voice to make things better for himself, but that was the old Evan. The Evan who didn’t have any friends and who didn’t make a sound when he fell. He was falling now, and he was going to make for damn sure his mom heard. 

“Well, we do want you around, that is a fact and I want you to remember that in case your mind tries to tell you something else,” Zoe tells him sweetly, really wishing there wasn’t a dumb console keeping them from snuggling in closer to each other. 

“I don’t really want to go inside Zo,” Evan says softly, setting his head atop hers, tracing little patterns on her hand, wanting to stay in the safety of her little car, where it was just them for a little longer.

“I could go in with you, if you want. Or I could come back later and get you. Or I could just wait in my car. Or we could just drive away right now,” Zoe offers, hoping that Evan knew she meant every single one. She’d probably wait in front of his house all night if he needed her too. 

Evan lifts his head from hers and kisses her hairline gently, always thankful that Zoe became a part of his life. He really wants to agree with her, tell her to start driving and just keep going, but he knows he can’t. He has to face his mom sometime and he can’t ask Zoe to be there, he can’t put her through what he was sure was coming. She’d dealt with enough family stuff that involved yelling and screaming when Connor was alive, he didn’t need to bring more of that to her. 

“Thanks Zoe, really, but I can’t ask you to do those for me. And I don’t think it’ll be okay, far from it actually, but I don’t feel nervous which is weird. But would it be okay if I called you after? The only thing that could make me feel better is hearing from you,” Evan tells her, squeezing her hand once again when she starts to lift her head from his shoulder. 

Zoe doesn’t respond right away, but instead pulls him down to her and kisses him, hoping to convey all the love she had for him through one small act. She wanted to tell him soon, but she just didn’t know how to in a way that she knew Evan would believe, so for now she could do things to show him how much she loved him. 

“Of course you can Ev. I’ll be there whenever you need me, always,” Zoe says as they break away from each. Evan kisses her chastely again and he wonders if this feeling of awe would ever go away when Zoe was concerned because he never wanted it to. 

“Okay. I’ll call you, good or bad,” Evan tells her, pulling her into a tight hug over the console, letting himself relish the feeling of being in her arms, trying to engrave the memory for when he undoubtedly would need it later. 

“I’ll be waiting up for you Evan. And please promise me that if it gets really bad, you’ll come back to my house,” Zoe says softly, knowing it would be hard for Evan to ask for help if he already was in a bad head space. 

“I promise Zo. I uh, will,” Evan says, catching himself before he said, ‘I love you’. He knew he meant it and he had for a while, but tonight wasn’t the right time to tell Zoe that. It was a special thing to say and he wanted it to be special. Zoe dropping him off because his mom had stormed out of dinner at her house after she’d been kind of rude to Zoe all night was not special. That was like the opposite of special. 

Evan kisses her cheek one more time, then slowly forces himself to get out of the car, waving to Zoe until he couldn’t see her headlights anymore. He’d waited long enough; it was time to face his mom.

Evan slowly makes his way into his house, cautiously walking through the front door, unsure of where his mom was going to be. He doesn’t have to look far because Heidi is pacing in the living room, stopping only to stare at Evan. She looks livid and Evan is mixed between wanting to run out the door, go back to hiding, and completely standing his ground, giving her a glare to match. The result of which is him shifting uncomfortably back and forth, with an odd strained expression on his face. 

“Do you have any idea how mortifying that was? Finding out that your son has been spending every night in somebody else’s home and you didn’t even know,” Heidi seethes at him, resuming her pacing. She thinks the night was embarrassing for her? What about for him? Having to explain and apologize for his mom’s behavior. Make sure Zoe was okay after she continually snubbed her all night. Not to mention the way she tried to put him on the spot, trying to make him admit things in front of all of them, trying to ruin what they thought of him. 

“If you’re not here, then why does it matter where I am?” Evan asks resentfully, choosing the option of standing up for himself over cowering and running. It was the one justification he always let himself have because he believed it. Why should he have to be in his room alone and sad, waiting around for her to pay attention, when he could be somewhere else? 

“They think you’re their son, Evan. These people,” Heidi says walking closer to him. And Evan thinks he understands a little bit better now. It wasn’t that he wasn’t home, it was that another family liked him. Chose him. Wanted to actively be a part of his life. His mom was mad about that because she didn’t think he deserved any of that. She wanted everyone else to see him the way she did. A burden. A mistake. Someone she wanted to leave but couldn’t because his dad beat her to it. 

And calling the Murphy’s “these people” after she saw the way they treated him? Did she not understand that’s how a family acted? That they meant more to him than anything else. 

“They’re not ‘these people’. They’re my…” Evan starts as Heidi interrupts him, yelling loud enough to make him flinch, “What? What are they to you?” 

“I don’t know,” Evan yells back, even though he did know. They were his _family_ , in more ways than Heidi had ever been or ever would be. 

“Because they act like you’re their, like they’ve adopted you, like I’m just, like I don’t even exist,” Heidi says, clearly frustrated but no longer yelling at him. And Evan doesn’t understand how she can’t see this from his point of view. If she was actually around or cared enough about him, then he wouldn’t crave the love from another family. But she wasn’t, so he found people who were giving it to him willingly. What was so bad about that? 

“They take care of me. They want me to be in their life,” Evan tells her angrily. Why did it matter if they’d “adopted” him so to speak? She should be jumping with joy knowing that she didn’t have to deal Evan so much. That at least someone was there when she left him all the time.

“They’re not your parents. That is not your family, Evan,” Heidi spits at him, pointing at him like she was accusing him of something. 

“They could be. They’re nice to me. And me and Zoe, we’re serious. They could be my family,” Evan says knowing he was probably going to regret bringing Zoe into this. But it’s not his fault him and Zoe had created something that made them both happy. That him being with the Murphy’s was healing for both of them. 

“I’m sure they’re lovely people, and Zoe’s a lovely girl, but Evan, a high school relationship isn’t serious. That doesn’t make them your family. They don’t know you,” Heidi tells him, her voice softening like she was trying parent, thinking that Zoe was the only reason he was “acting out”. 

“What like you do? And we are serious. I love her,” Evan says, admitting out loud for the first time to someone that he loved Zoe. The declaration spurs him on, but he hates that this was the circumstance that he got to say it first. To prove something to his mom. 

“I thought I knew you. Thought I knew the son I raised. And Evan you don’t know what love is, you’re only seventeen,” Heidi tells him, once again blowing off the idea that Evan and Zoe could be something important to each other, that they could truly love each other. But she’s right about one thing. He didn’t know what love was, at least not before he’d met the Murphy’s. She never showed him any amount of love and he knew that his dad didn’t either obviously, so where would he have learned it? 

“What do you know about me? About love? You don’t know a single thing about me! You never even see me! How is that love Mom?” Evan yells back to feeling angry and outspoken. How dare she say she knows him or knows what it’s like to love somebody. She didn’t know either of those things. 

“I’m trying my best Evan,” Heidi says exasperatedly, once again not really listening to what Evan was trying to tell her. If this was her best, then it wasn’t good enough. Like always, it was just a reminder that he wasn’t good enough. 

“You don’t get it. They like me. Zoe likes _me_. I know how hard that is for you to believe. That they don’t think that I’m, that there’s something wrong with me, that I need to be fixed, like you do,” Evan yells at her, and he doesn’t know why he thought he could reason with her, that she might be able to see him outside of the box she’d already put him in. He wants to leave and because it’s clear that she won’t care, Evan starts to turn towards his room. He could call Zoe, calm down, and would probably end up going back to the Murphy’s tonight. 

“Wait, wait, wait,” Heidi starts, racing towards him, grabbing onto his arms, shaking him a little, saying “When have I _ever_ said that?” 

“I have to go to therapy. I have to take drugs. Are you okay on refills Evan? Why can’t you order delivery Evan? You should eat Evan. I have to have icebreakers to get people to talk to me. It doesn’t matter if you’ve said it because you do it! You show me all the time that you don’t like who I am, that you wish I was someone else,” Evan yells at her, tears starting to form in eyes, thrashing his arms to break free from her hold. 

“I’m your mother. It’s my job to take care of you. I only want,” Heidi tries to say, pulling her hands away from him, realizing she was gripping him tightly, when Evan cuts her off, wrapping his arms around himself, saying to himself and to her, “I know, okay. I know I’m a burden and a mistake. Don’t you think I know that already? That I was the worst thing to ever happen to you!” 

“You’re the only, the one good thing that has ever happened to me Evan,” Heidi says, also starting to cry, and Evan can’t even comprehend how she could say that to him. Zoe was the one good thing that ever happened to him, and he didn’t treat Zoe the way his mom treated him. He doesn’t say anything in response to that, knowing that even if she said it, it didn’t mean it was true. 

“I’m sorry I can’t give you more than that. Shit,” Heidi says turning away from him and wiping away the tiny tear tracks on her face, before turning back to him. 

“Well, it’s not my fault that other people can,” Evan says sniffling, wiping away his own tears, once again starting to walk towards his room. He didn’t need to say anything else or defend himself anymore. She wasn’t going to understand and the faster he could get out, the better.

“Well I hope you’re proud Evan. I hope they’re everything you want and more now that you’re free the agonizing life I’ve given you. Thank God they rescued you. It’s real good for you,” Heidi yells to Evan’s back as he slams his bedroom door closed. If she only knew how truly agonizing his life was before this. If she only knew that he’d tried to escape it a very different way already, maybe she’d understand. 

But he was never, ever going to tell her that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter there will be sneaking and betrayal and definitely a lot of tears, so stay tuned for that!


	9. For You, I Would Ruin Myself, A Million Little Times

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan and Zoe explore new aspects of their relationship. Another thing from the Connor Project goes viral.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi Everyone!! This chapter has some fluff, but alas it is short lived. But I thought where I left this chapter had a better like "cliffhanger" so I once again pushed some stuff to next chapter, but I don't think you'll be disappointed! And I want to preface this chapter with a note about Alana. I like Alana a lot as a character and I think the play did a disservice to her by not going more in depth into her character (Jared too) because at face value I think it's really easy to miss the nuances of Alana's motivations. With that being said, I don't paint her well either. I could never really get behind her posting what she thought was Connor's suicide note or the emails, even as Evan begged her to take them down. It's the major thing I don't like about Alana, so that is heightened in this chapter. 
> 
> And a big thank you to everyone reading this story and leaving kudos and leaving comments. I appreciate it all!!!! Happy reading!! 
> 
> P.S. How would everyone feel if the rating possibly got moved up to M? Good? Bad? Indifferent? Let me know!
> 
> P.P.S. Still broadcasting that I'm taking requests/suggestions for Good Things Are Coming My Way if y'all are interested! I'd like to get back to adding chapters there too!

Evan can’t believe he just slammed his door and said all that to his mom, even if it was true. He was hoping it might make him feel better, thinking there was a small chance that his mom would see where he was coming from, but she didn’t. And he doesn’t feel better at all. He’s still angry and frustrated and sad and he just really wants Zoe. He knows it was a good idea to let her go home, but it doesn’t mean he’s okay without her. He can’t leave right now, because he knows his mom is still in the living room and he’d have to cross her again and he absolutely does not want that. So he’d have to settle for calling Zoe instead for now, but he’d already promised her that he’d call anyway.

But he doesn’t want his mom to hear their conversation or try to stop him from talking to her or the Murphy’s or make any attempt to see him again tonight. He’d see her again in like a week and maybe she’d understand then, but probably not. So he pushes his side table against his door, blocking her from trying to get in, if she were to try. And he opens his laptop, playing one of Zoe’s playlist’s at full volume, effectively keeping Heidi from hearing anything (the walls in their house were thin, Evan could hear everything always). Evan knows she probably won’t try to come in or listen in, she’d have to care enough to do either of those things, but it makes him feel like he has some semblance of control, so he goes with it. 

Evan curls up into his bed and just looking at his phone makes him feel better. Zoe had replaced his default lock screen wallpaper with a picture she’d taken of them a while ago. Evan had the most surprised but happy look on his face because right before she’d taken the picture, Zoe had turned to kiss his cheek. Zoe took lots of photos of them together, but this one was definitely his favorite. It reminded him that Zoe was always full of surprises and that he could trust her even when he didn’t know what was coming. 

When he calls, Zoe like normal, picks up on the second ring and Evan can tell based on the tone of her “Hey Ev”, that she wanted desperately to know what happened, but didn’t want to pressure him into talking about anything. And he finds it really endearing, letting his mouth creep into the tiniest of smiles as he tells her, “Hey Zo, it wasn’t good, not even close, but at least it’s over for now. I’m still really angry but I feel better now that I’m talking to you.”

“I’m sorry Evan. You shouldn’t have to deal with that. You’re not doing anything wrong. Do you want me to come get you at least?” Zoe asks kindly, and all Evan can think about is how lucky he was to have her in his life. Someone who would drop anything, immediately turn back around, and come to him, to make sure he was okay, that he was safe. And it makes all the hurt in his heart lessen.

“No, not yet. She’s still here and I don’t want her to see me leave or see you. But probably soon. We could just talk until then, is that okay?” Evan asks cautiously, once again knowing that it was a good thing that Zoe wasn’t here, no matter how much he wished she were. He could not handle another big fight tonight, with anyone, so he needed to just wait.

“Yeah, of course. I mean I barely even got to tell you about band today. I was going to play you part of the new arrangement I did tonight, but I could just tell you about it,” Zoe says trying to lighten things up a bit and distract Evan from his own thoughts, with one of the things he loved most, her music. 

“I mean, you could play now, if you want to. I’d listen and I’ll listen again in person whenever you want to practice some more,” Evan says softly, curling into his pillows just a little bit more, wishing they were Zoe. Listening to Zoe play live was probably one of his most favorite things ever, and he knows that over the phone it won’t be the same, but it’s a close second. 

“Okay, stay there, let me grab my guitar,” Zoe says excitedly, and Evan can hear the rustling in the background as he imagines her sitting back on her bed, guitar in lap, smiling her half smile, the one he was starting to think was just for him. 

Evan instantly feels the tension melt away from him as Zoe starts playing, letting her pretty melody block out the sound of the other music and the sound of his mom from the other room. He puts 100% of his focus into Zoe, pushing every thought of his mom, his dad, college, the Murphy’s out of his mind. And it’s the best he’s felt all day. 

Evan keeps listening to Zoe for over an hour, complimenting her every time she finished a song, asking her to keep going. Zoe laughs every time he asks her for more, but does it anyways, knowing that it was making him feel better. And it helped that she liked the attention he paid her when she was singing or playing (not that he didn’t pay attention to her always, this just seemed extra special). And he feels remarkably calm taking the whole day into consideration, and he thinks it might be time to check if he can leave. 

Evan turns the music on his laptop down, pressing his ear to the wall, listening for his mom while also listening to Zoe chatter on. And it’s like it’s fate that he hears his mom open and close her door, and Evan knows this is the time to go. 

“Hey, Zo, I think I can leave now. My mom is in her room, and I don’t know how long she’ll be there. Want to meet me somewhere?”, Evan asks, already moving his laptop into his bag and grabbing anything else he might need for the next few days. He wasn’t planning on coming back for a while. And if Zoe couldn’t meet him, he’d walk the whole way back to the Murphy’s. 

“Yeah, I’ll come right now. Let’s meet by the park,” Zoe says, and Evan can hear her keys jingling as he moves his side table back and gently opens his door, peeking his head out before making a move. Seeing that his mom’s door is firmly closed and that she’s nowhere in sight, Evan sneaks out of his own house, being as quiet as he could be. 

And when he gets outside and relocks the door, he lets out a deep sigh of relief, knowing that he was on his way to Zoe and can pretend once more that the Murphy’s were his family. That his real parents didn’t exist. That he was something better than a bunch of broken parts. 

“Okay, Zo, I made it out. I’ll see you soon. Please drive safe,” Evan tells her, heading in the direction of the park in between him and Zoe’s houses. 

“I will Ev. I lo—let me know if anything happens,” Zoe says, stopping herself before telling him she loved him. She liked how easy the words were coming to her, the way she just knew, but like earlier when they were in her car, it just wasn’t the right time. She didn’t want Evan to think she was just saying it because he had a bad night. She wanted him to know that she meant it with all her being. That she’d never loved anything before as much as him. 

Evan quickly makes it to the park; the same one Zoe had picked him up from before during another dinner fiasco with his mom. It seemed like this little park was starting to become someplace important to them. A place where Zoe rescued him. The thought makes him smile and makes his stomach feel fuzzy and his heart race a little. And to think his mom had said he didn’t love Zoe. What did she know anyways? 

Evan’s only alone a minute or two before he can see Zoe’s headlights and the outline of her car pulling up to him. He doesn’t waste any time opening her passenger door and scrambling inside. Before he’s even seated completely Zoe’s reaching for him, hugging him tightly. He hugs her back just as snugly. It’s only been like two hours since they’d seen each other, and they’d spent most of that time on the phone, but somehow it feels like an eternity. He’d missed feeling her so close. 

The drive back to Zoe’s is quiet, with a softer playlist playing quietly in the background. Zoe keeps glancing over to Evan with small sheepish smiles, loving that even though his night (and hers too) had been pretty terrible, they had each other and they made each other happy. Evan doesn’t even say anything about safe driving when she takes one hand off the wheel to intertwine with his, only responding with a tiny squeeze.

“I already told my parents that you were coming back, and that you didn’t want to talk about it, so we’ll be able to hide away in my room together,” Zoe says, letting go of Evan’s hand to park her car, looking over to him, hoping he wouldn’t mind too much that she’d reverted back to their original plan from earlier in the night, before disaster struck. 

“Oh thank god. I don’t think I could handle anymore parents tonight,” Evan tells her, kissing her cheek lightly before getting out of the car, watching as Zoe followed him, locking her car and reaching for his hand again once they were together. 

“Just us for the rest of the night,” Zoe says, and Evan can’t exactly tell if she was being flirty or just stating facts. He hopes flirty, because he decides it’s a good idea to tug her closer to him and kiss her. He thinks he guessed right based on the way Zoe had pressed herself against him, and the happy dopey smile she has when they break away from each other. 

Even though Zoe told her parents not to bother them when they get back, they’re still quiet when they get inside, stealing up into Zoe’s room, trying to go unnoticed. They successfully make it to Zoe’s room, and she closes the door, disobeying the Murphy’s “open door” policy because they never actually enforced it, no matter what they told Heidi. 

And Zoe must still be in flirty mood because she pulls Evan to her bed and it feels different than every other time she’s done it. And Evan doesn’t mind at all. He lets Zoe pull him to lay next to her, letting her hands drift away from his own, settling one against his neck and one on his hip softly. Evan thinks it’s okay to let his hands do same, using one to prop himself up a little and letting the other drop to her hip, trailing his thumb across her skin lightly. And he really doesn’t mind the way Zoe shivers at his touch, smiling up at him. It makes him excited. 

Evan leans in to kiss her, and he almost jumps when he feels Zoe’s hand slip under his shirt, tracing little shapes along his side and back, but he really likes the feeling and lets himself relax into her touch. He likes wherever this was headed. He squeezes her hip a little, silently asking her if it was okay if he did the same, and he feels her nod into their kiss, giving him permission. 

He was honestly okay with anything that Zoe wanted to do to _him_ , he trusted her completely and he knew she’d stop if he reacted or asked her to. A vast difference from the boy who couldn’t believe she’d touched his arm or kissed his cheek. But he always felt less sure when it came to doing the same or other things to Zoe. He never, ever wanted to do anything she wasn’t okay with or ready for, so while they were still learning and exploring the more physical aspect of their relationship together, even if it was the smallest thing, he was going to ask her in some way or another. Or let her lead, that way he knew she was okay. 

And with her go-ahead, he lets his hand dip under her shirt, following a similar path as her, touching her low back and side, barely brushing up against her ribcage. And he’s a little distracted touching her and returning her fervent kisses, that he doesn’t notice that Zoe’s pulled herself closer to him, wrapping her leg around him and letting her bottom hand run through his hair. And this is a new development, one that he really likes. And he doesn’t think Zoe would do it if she didn’t like it either. Evan moves his hand back to her hip, and in doing so, accidentally pulls her completely on top of him, startling them both a little bit as Zoe’s weight shifted, making Zoe sit up little, breaking their kiss. 

Zoe’s blushing fiercely but not moving from her new position straddling him, asking him, “Evan, are you okay with this?” 

“Yes, very much so,” Evan says, nodding and smiling up at her. His enthusiastic response makes her smile again, leaning back down to kiss him, setting both of her hands on his chest, as Evan’s hands readjusted on her hips, squeezing gently. 

Evan used to be scared over things like this, being close to somebody, but he’s not with Zoe. Everything they did always felt so _right,_ like it was supposed to happen exactly this way. And he really liked what was happening now, like a lot. He likes Zoe’s weight against him. He likes the way her hands were set delicately on his chest. He likes the way she was blushing, knowing he was probably flushed too. Everything that was happening right in this moment, made everything that had happened earlier seem like a different century. A perfect, wonderful distraction from real life.

And Zoe liked what was happening too. She loved the way Evan kissed her, never too rough, soft, but with enough pressure to let her know that he wasn’t being timid, just gentle. She liked the feeling of his hands on her hips, pulling her against him when she leans down to kiss him again. And she can…feel that Evan was enjoying himself too. And she didn’t know what that was going to be like. Girls in band sometimes talked about stuff like this, but they obviously didn’t have someone like _Evan_ because it’s not like what they said at all. Knowing that he was reacting positively feels nice and she likes that she was the reason it was happening. Makes her feel excited about what could come next, knowing it would be with Evan. Maybe not tonight, (her parents were home and that made tonight an automatic no), but sometime. Maybe soon. 

In the vein of trying different things tonight, Zoe rolls them, so Evan was on top of her now, pausing their kissing and touches, looking up to Evan to make sure everything was still okay. Evan understands what she was asking and nods his head, kissing her cheek sweetly, making her giggle happily. Evan kisses her again, letting a little bit of weight settle on her, but not too much, and somehow Zoe likes this more than before. She can still feel that Evan was _excited_ and it feels like they’re closer than they were before. Evan’s weight on top of her is comforting and solid and not at all too much like some other girls had said. It’s perfect. And she doesn’t want to go to sleep or have Evan go to his room. She doesn’t want this to stop. 

“Hey Evan,” Zoe says softly when they break apart, setting her hands on his face lovingly, continuing, “Can you stay here tonight? Sleep with me?” 

“Um, I want to, yeah, but um, Zo, your parents are home. I don’t think we should go much further than this,” Evan says, blushing profusely, unsure why Zoe would want to do anything more than make-out and like get a little handsy with Cynthia and Larry just down the hall. 

“No, Evan, that’s not what I was asking, maybe sometime soon, but not tonight,” Zoe giggles, reaching up to kiss his cheek, thinking Evan’s response was really cute. It was good to know he wanted to eventually sleep with her in that way, because she wanted that too. But she was truly just asking him to sleep in her bed tonight. 

“Oh. Um. Yes,” Evan says, laughing a little, and burying his head into her neck in embarrassment. He can’t really believe he thought she meant something else, but he’s glad this was happening with Zoe. If it had been anyone else, he probably would have had to leave immediately and accept that he could never see that person again. Possibly move to a different town. Maybe another state. 

“But I mean, there’s no reason we can’t keep doing what we’re doing. I was having fun, were you Evan?” Zoe asks, moving her hand up to play with the hair by the nape of his neck.  
“Yeah, I was. I like doing stuff like this with you because you make me feel safe. Like I can do something completely stupid like just now, and you, like won’t want to break up with me. That we can talk about things,” Evan says softly, picking his head back up to look her in the eye. 

“That’s how I feel too,” Zoe tells him, kissing him properly, glad they had this little talk. She knew Evan would never pressure her to do anything and she’d never do that to him either, but it was reassuring to get the confirmation. 

“Good,” Evan says, kissing her again quickly and playfully, smiling as Zoe repeats his “good” and little peck, making them both laugh a little bit. 

The rest of the night is easy after that, with both of them knowing Evan was going to stay in her room and that her parents were going to leave them alone (mostly, neither of them knew Cynthia still checked on both of them nightly). 

They continue to experiment and learn new things about what the other liked or didn’t. Evan liked when Zoe grazed her hands across his neck, but she didn’t like when he did that. But she liked him kissing her neck and collarbone. She likes when Evan touches her hips and low back, and Evan liked it better when she touched his sides and ribs. They keep their clothes on, not crossing that bridge yet, only taking a break to change into pajamas before picking up right where they left off. And it’s honestly perfect. The way they were able to talk to each other, never pushing too far, seems effortless. 

And when they eventually fall asleep cuddling into one another, Evan can’t help but pull her a little closer and think about how there was nowhere else he’d rather be than here. He never wanted to leave. 

==

Waking up next to Zoe is growing on the list of things Evan loves more than anything. And this time, he didn’t have to worry about her thinking it was weird or anything. They hadn’t accidentally fallen asleep next to each other; they’d intentionally done it. And Zoe’s absolute hatred of waking up is by far his favorite mood of hers. She was so cute, and he gets to coax her awake with little kisses and little tickles. And he wants to start every day with her like this because it makes his whole day better. He’s in such a good mood that he almost forgets that they were filming Cynthia and Zoe’s video with Jared and Alana after school. 

But Alana makes sure he doesn’t forget, checking in on him every period after lunch, until they all meet in the parking lot, letting Jared and Alana follow him and Zoe to her house. And it’s already stressing him out, and he can tell it’s putting Zoe on edge too. Hopefully, they just got it over with quickly and then Jared and Alana could leave and leave them alone. And Evan really hopes that’s the case. That this video appeases Alana and gets them through the end of the fundraiser, closer to her obscene goal. She constantly reminded him that they had $17,000 more to go and he wants to constantly remind her back that he didn’t want this, that he said it’d be too much. But she wasn’t giving up and he just wanted it to be over. It was only a couple more days. He could probably do it. 

And it’s weird, what this whole thing has turned into. He liked the recognition he was getting, and he liked the little bit of confidence he was gaining from talking to people, in person and online, but everything was starting to take a toll on him. He didn’t want to be known as Connor Murphy’s best friend forever and he wanted out of his lie sooner rather than later. It was hard keeping up with things he’d already said, and sometimes Zoe couldn’t remember either, so he had to chalk his hand-wavy explanations up to grief. And that didn’t make him feel good at all. He didn’t like blaming a very real tragedy for his inability to tell the truth. 

But right now, he needed to focus on Zoe and make sure she was okay and Alana didn’t pressure _her_ into doing something she didn’t want to. And in the half-minute they have before Jared and Alana come, Evan kisses her softly, a promise that he was with her and her alone. He didn’t care about anything else but how she was feeling. And they have to break apart when Jared and Alana get out of Jared’s car and he starts making kiss-y noises at them, one of his favorite ways to tease them. 

“Fuck off Jared,” Zoe tells him, picking up a pebble and throwing it at him. It hits him right in the head and Evan can’t help but laugh a little when he groans and starts rubbing the side of his head. Serves him right for trying to taunt them. And he can tell Zoe feels less on edge now too, because she was lessening her grip on his hand and leading all of them into her house. 

Cynthia was waiting for them as they all walk in, drinks and snacks all set up in preparation for the kids to be there after school. Evan thinks it’s really nice of her, like he always does when she makes them anything, but he’s too nervous about the filming to eat and Zoe is too. So they stand awkwardly by the staircase, while Alana and Jared make small talk with Cynthia. She looks a little nervous too, but Alana seems to be charming her and explaining what she was thinking, and Cynthia is starting to look a little better, until Jared asks, “Can we film in Connor’s room?”

Everyone looks surprised except Jared and Alana, which leads Evan to believe that they were always planning on asking this, and that irritates him. They were already here, doing the stupid video, why couldn’t that be enough? And he knows that Cynthia is too nice to probably say no to them, especially if she thought she was doing something good for the “community”. 

“I suppose that would be okay,” Cynthia says hesitantly, looking over to Zoe, who just shrugs her shoulders indifferently. Evan can see her trying to appear nonchalant, but her hand is telling another story, back to gripping his tightly. He’s fine with it, especially knowing that she put up with him doing the same thing yesterday. He starts moving his thumb back and forth over her hand softly, hoping that it was helping. Cynthia takes Zoe’s shrug as an okay and starts to make her way towards the stairs, gesturing for all of them to follow. Evan presses a sweet kiss to Zoe’s cheek as they stay behind for a moment, checking in with her again. Zoe manages to give him a weak smile and starts to pull Evan up the stairs. He knows this was hard for her, so he was trying to keep a close watch on her, making sure she was actually okay and not pretending for her mom’s sake. 

They linger in the doorway of Connor’s room, waiting for more instructions from Alana, who was directing Cynthia at the moment and Evan can’t help but look around. Connor’s room was a place that Evan didn’t frequent often. He went in there sometimes with Zoe, sometimes without, but it always made him a little uneasy. He’d always switch back and forth between imagining the real Connor who lived in this room and the one he’d invented with Zoe. Sometimes it was too much, especially now that those two Connor’s were starting to blur together. 

The Murphy’s had left everything in the room exactly where Connor had left it, which was nice for trying to understand who Connor was and the things he liked, but it also felt like Connor could come strolling in any minute, angry that there were people in his room, yelling at them to get out. But that could never happen, and the same-ness of the room reminded Evan of that all the time. 

But apparently Jared had no qualms about the sanctity of Connor’s room or cared that the Murphy’s hadn’t changed anything, because he was poking around in all of Connor’s shelves, looking through his stuff, and rummaging through the things on his desk. And Evan didn’t like that either. Why was he even here? He wasn’t helping Alana talk to Cynthia or Zoe and since Alana was going to be filming, which he normally did, he didn’t actually need to be here. He probably just wanted to see in Connor’s room. Or bother Evan more. Both were probably equivalent to Jared.

“Okay, Mrs. Murphy, if you and Zoe could just sit on the bed, I think that will look best, and then we can start,” Alana tells them confidently, checking the lighting on her phone and picking the best spot around the bed. Zoe reluctantly lets go of Evan’s hand and follows her mom to the edge of Connor’s bed, awkwardly setting her hands in her lap. 

Evan moves behind Alana so that he wasn’t in the shot and so that Zoe could see him encouraging her from behind the camera, already noticing Zoe’s stiff body language. He tries to keep his focus on her, to help her through this, but it’s hard when he wants to slap everything that Jared was picking up out of his hands and tell him to stop touching Connor’s stuff. He tries to shake off his annoyance and gives Zoe and Cynthia a thumbs up once Alana hits record. 

“Hello everyone. I’m Cynthia Murphy, Connor Murphy’s mom and this is his sister Zoe. And we’d like to thank you for all the support you’ve given our family and The Connor Project,” Cynthia starts, shifting to take one of Zoe’s hands in hers, looking for the comfort Zoe had promised to offer. And Evan sees Zoe give her mom’s hand a little squeeze as she continues talking, “I wanted to talk about my Connor, my little boy. When Connor was little his favorite thing in the world was silly knock-knock jokes. He’d tell them all the time, always getting a laugh out of me and his dad. And when I asked him why he liked them so much, he told me it’s because he liked to see me laugh and see me happy. He stopped telling them in middle school, and he’d never tell me why. I missed them then, and it’s something I miss even more now, knowing that he’ll never get to tell another joke. And he loved to read. Connor could read a whole book in a day. And I know he had favorites, but he was always reading new genres and authors. He always had a book on him.”

Evan notices Zoe wince and he knows exactly what she was remembering about Connor and his books. Zoe had told him about when she’d tried to borrow one of Connor’s books when she was like twelve, right at the start of Connor’s change from loving big brother to indifferent to terror, and he’d pushed her out of his room, yelling at her to never touch his stuff again. It wasn’t the worst thing he’d ever done to her, but it always stuck out to her, which was why she’d told Evan. It was one of the first times he’d ever intentionally yelled at her, and it’d only gotten worse from there. 

Evan tries to smile at her, but he doesn’t think it’s working because Zoe still looks uncomfortable and Evan can tell it’s coming through on the video. And Alana doesn’t seem to care, continuing to focus on Cynthia’s stories about Connor. 

“I just wanted to say how much I miss him every single day,” Cynthia says, tearing up and leaning into Zoe, who turns away from the camera, gently wrapping her arm around her back. And Evan wants to tell Alana to stop filming, that it was too much, and they didn’t need to put this on the internet. But he also knows it’s almost over and that it could mean the end of Alana pestering all of them, so he doesn’t interrupt. 

“If you think that your family wouldn’t care if you were gone, I’m here to tell you, you’re wrong. They care so much. You mean the world to your parents, your friends, to every person in your life, even if you think they don’t care. Please remember that,” Cynthia finishes, sniffling between every word. And Evan feels himself getting emotional too. He knows Cynthia was being honest, but a few months ago, Evan wouldn’t have believed her. And he hopes the people who might watch this video _do_ believe her. Because he’d thought he had no one, but now he couldn’t imagine leaving the Murphy’s behind, putting them or anyone else, even his mom, through the hardship he was seeing them experience in the wake of Connor dying. 

Evan sees Jared hastily pick up his backpack, zipping it up, which Evan thinks is strange but doesn’t think too much about as Alana ends the recording, saying, “Thank you so much Mrs. Murphy. People are going to be touched by this video. It’s going to help a lot of people.” 

“Well, I just want them to know they’ll be missed every day if they were gone. That’s been the hardest thing,” Cynthia says, moving herself from Zoe’s embrace and wiping away her leftover tears, standing up from the bed. Zoe still looks uncomfortable with the whole situation, so Evan moves to sit next to her, wrapping his arm around her and setting his hand on her hip, pulling her closer to him. 

“Well, we need to go edit this and get it uploaded as soon as possible. I’ll send you a copy too Mrs. Murphy. Thank you again,” Alana says obviously excited that she’d gotten what she wanted. And Evan hoped it did do as she intended and made the last couple days of the Kickstarter go faster. 

“Let me show you kids out. Do you need any snacks for the road?” Cynthia asks guiding Jared and Alana out of Connor’s room, returning to her upbeat stay-at-home mom attitude. And now Evan and Zoe were finally alone. 

And before Evan says anything, he stands up and grabs Zoe’s hand, leading her out of Connor’s room, closing the door, and taking her into her own room. They didn’t need to stay in Connor’s room any longer than necessary. 

When they’re in Zoe’s room, she closes the door behind her and lets Evan pull her to her own bed to sit. 

“Did I make the video weird? I don’t know what happened. Alana started filming and I just felt weird, especially with my mom saying all that about Connor. I didn’t think it would be like this when I said yes, and I felt like I couldn’t just leave my mom, you know?” Zoe tells him, setting her head on his shoulder, letting Evan resume his holding of her. 

“Um, no. I mean, I think you looked uncomfortable, but I know you better than anyone, so it probably wasn’t that noticeable, not when everyone will focus on what your mom was saying,” Evan tells her truthfully, kissing her temple sweetly before adding, “You did your best Zo. And your mom definitely appreciated you being with her. Plus, you don’t have to do anymore videos ever again.” 

Zoe nods her head against his shoulder, accepting what Evan was saying. He was right, no one else would probably even notice her in the video and her mom really did seem to need her. She didn’t have anything to worry about. Everything would be fine.

==

Evan was feeling better about everything now that Cynthia and Zoe’s video had been filmed. Alana wouldn’t bother him at school hopefully and maybe that meant Jared wouldn’t either. And so far, it was working. He hadn’t seen either of them all morning, and him and Zoe had hidden during lunch, so he’d intentionally not seen anyone. But Evan shouldn’t have gotten his hopes up, because like always, Alana finds him in the hallway after school, and comes rushing up to him, with a disgruntled look on her face. 

“Evan, I need to talk to you, it’s important,” Alana says impatiently, clearly upset about something, but Evan honestly didn’t know what she could be upset about that involved him.

“Okay, what is it Alana? I can’t really stay too long, I have plans with,” Evan starts telling her, when she cuts him off finishing, “plans with Zoe. I know.” 

“No, with my group for our history project. I have to meet them in the library soon,” Evan says annoyed that she interrupted him and just assumed he was hanging out with his girlfriend (which was completely normal, he and Zoe spent a lot of time together yeah, but it wasn’t a bad thing). 

“Well, I’ve been rereading these emails after I posted them today, and a lot of them don’t actually make much sense,” Alana says, pulling a stack of papers out of her bag. 

“Alana, what are you talking about?” Evan asked her confused. Could she be talking about the email him and Zoe had forged? How would she even know about those? 

“The emails you and Connor sent each other, obviously,” Alana says coldly, leafing through what Evan now recognizes as the printouts he gave to Cynthia. His entire body goes cold. How in the actual fuck did Alana get those? And had she said she’d been posting them to their accounts today? This was not good. Not good at all. 

“You’ve been posting our emails to each other? You can’t do that Alana; those were private between me and Connor. How’d you even get them?” Evan tells her angrily. How could she have possibly thought this was okay? These were meant for Cynthia and Larry to feel better about Connor, and that’s what Evan and Zoe had aimed them towards. He couldn’t have people looking too closely because that would ruin everything. Everything. 

“Mrs. Murphy gave them to me when I asked for more things about Connor. She said they showed her a whole other side of Connor, and of course I wanted to see. And they’re the community’s now. Things that were Connor’s are all of ours now,” Alana says, acting like Evan wasn’t even a part of these emails. Like he didn’t get a say at all whether or not they could be shared. And if they had been real? Evan would have been even more furious. If Alana had written emails to Connor, she was more than welcome to post those. But she hadn’t. Because they weren’t friends. 

“Alana, what the hell? You can’t do that because _you_ thought it was okay. I don’t want those shared. You didn’t even ask me!” Evan says raising his voice, not caring if anyone in the hallway saw him. He didn’t really care about anything at this point besides getting Alana to take down his emails. 

“That doesn’t matter. What matters is that a lot of those emails don’t add up,” Alana says, brushing off the fact that she was completely disregarding Evan’s feelings and privacy.

“Of course it matters Alana. I don’t want those up. They’re not the “community’s”. They’re mine. Mine and Connor’s,” Evan tells her putting air quotes around ‘community’. Maybe Alana felt like she was entitled to anything involving Connor because she’d bullied Evan into starting something, but she wasn’t. If Evan had wanted to distance him and Zoe from the Connor project before, he wanted to even more now. 

“I made a list of questions about everything that doesn’t add up and you’re going to make a video explaining everything to everyone, because they deserve to know,” Alana demands, seriously not listening to anything Evan was saying. She obviously didn’t care that she was hurting a real person. That Evan was still here and would be affected by people reading some of his inner most thoughts. Most of the emails he’d written like he was talking to Zoe and Zoe had written Connor like he was her. Some of the emails were stupid yeah, but some were real and deep and regardless of the fact that weren’t actually Connor’s, they were his and he didn’t want them on the internet.

“No. I’m not doing that, and you need to stop reading and posting _my_ stuff. I don’t need to explain anything,” Evan says defensively, trying to avoid the fact that the emails probably didn’t make much sense read chronologically. Him and Zoe weren’t writing a goddamn cinematic universe, they didn’t “fact check” everything they’d ever written in them. And he’s right. He didn’t owe Alana or anyone else an explanation. 

“Then just tell me this. Why did Connor kill himself? Because in every email he talks about getting better, about feeling better, but he obviously wasn’t,” Alana says, changing topics completely, probably realizing that Evan was never going to agree to her video, that she’d have to pry information out of him in some other way. 

“Maybe he was lying to me or to himself. I don’t know Alana. Did you ever consider that maybe mental illness is more than what you show to people, even the people you’re closest to? That maybe writing that he felt better, could’ve been helping him, even if he wasn’t? That maybe it was his way of trying?” Evan tells her, not even realizing that the explanation he was giving was the exact reason Dr. Sherman had been trying to make him write to himself at the beginning of the school year. 

“Well all the inconsistencies make me wonder if you were actually friends. You’ve never really cared that much about the Connor Project, so it would make sense,” Alana accuses him, crossing her arms protectively over the printouts, like they were the only thing stringing her theory together. And they were. She was seriously going to base her accusations on his lack of participation in a thing he didn’t want to do in the first place? He didn’t want a ‘social media presence’, or a $50,000 orchard revival, or anything else that Alana and Jared had schemed about in the last couple weeks. That didn’t mean shit about his relationship to Connor, real or otherwise. 

“How dare you Alana,” Evan says, completely baffled by the way she was trying to attack him. Although it really shouldn’t have come as a surprise. She’d been trying to overcompensate for something this entire time and Evan was over it. 

“Can you prove it?” Alana asks rudely, noticing that Evan’s response wasn’t a clear answer to her question. And she didn’t understand why Evan was being so evasive. If they’d been real friends, then all he had to do was answer some questions and Alana would be satisfied. Only someone who was hiding something didn’t want to answer questions. 

“What in the actual hell are you talking about? I don’t need to prove anything to you. And what happened to ‘I always knew you were friends. You hid it well, but I knew’. You don’t know anything about Connor or me, or anyone else for that matter because you’re selfish. Not everything is about you Alana. And it’s not my fault you only have ‘acquaintances’. You need to leave me alone. I’m done with this, all of it,” Evan yells at her, grabbing his emails out of her hands forcefully, turning and just walking away, not caring in the slightest how Alana felt. She didn’t care how he’d felt through this entire thing. He was over her. 

And he’d take down his letters on his own. He knew the passwords to all the accounts. He didn’t have to sit idly by and watch while Alana tried to ruin his life. And he knows he was being mean to her, throwing in that Alana didn’t seem to have any friends, the way Evan hadn’t either at the start of the school year. Alana could have taken this opportunity to befriend him the way she’d seemed to do with Jared. They all could have taken this opportunity to form an actual friend group, a community like the virtual one that only seemed to matter to Alana. But she hadn’t taken that route. She’d bothered and harassed him into getting involved with something she wanted, because she knew no one would care otherwise. Evan really wishes he would’ve just told her to fuck off on day one like Zoe had suggested. 

Oh shit. In Evan’s selfish rampage against Alana, he hadn’t considered how bad this could be for Zoe if it got out that these emails were fake, and that she had been a part of it. He didn’t even want to think about that. Right now, it was probably okay. No one knew but Zoe, and Alana was only suspicious of him and that wasn’t good, but it was better than her figuring out Zoe had been involved in any of this. His desperate urge to protect Zoe makes him stop in the hallway and get his laptop out. His group could wait, he needed to take these emails down as soon as possible. 

It only takes a couple minutes to scrub all the Connor Project pages of everything that Alana had posted concerning the emails. And Evan didn’t bother looking through any comments or anything. He didn’t care what people thought, they shouldn’t have gotten to see those in the first place. And as extra damage control, he sends Zoe a quick text explaining, 

**3:37 P.M. Evan Hansen:** Zo, please don’t be upset. Alana posted the emails to all the social media accounts. I erased them, but we just got into a huge fight and I hope everything is okay. I told her we’re done with TCP and I should have a long time ago. I’ll be at this group meeting for like an hour, but then we can talk more when I get home 

**3:37 P.M. Evan Hansen:** But text or call me if you need to 💗

Evan gets up and walks to the library, trying to make himself calm down from the anger and anxiety he was feeling right now. He had to focus on protecting himself and Zoe. And that meant acting like nothing was wrong to the outside world. He did that all the time. He could do it for an hour until he went to the Murphy’s. Everything would be fine, at least that’s what he tells himself. 

==

Alana’s huffing and angry as Evan turns away from her. How dare she? How dare he talk to her like that when he was the one who was clearly hiding something. And she didn’t care what Evan thought, she’d keep posting them, because the people deserved a chance to get to know Connor Murphy. 

Alana jumps when she feels a hand on her shoulder, not having heard anyone else in the hallway since Evan stormed off. But she turns around and finds Jared, and something tells her that he’s heard everything that happened between her and Evan. And she’s glad, she needed someone else on her side and Jared always agreed with her good ideas. 

“Hey ‘Lana. I think they really were friends. Look what I found in Connor’s room yesterday. It’s his suicide note, and he did address it to Evan. I actually don’t think Evan’s lying,” Jared says, handing the piece of paper to Alana carefully, because by the looks of it, it had been folded and unfolded many times and also had a couple of crinkly dried parts that Jared only assumed were tear stains. 

Alana reads the note carefully for a minute and she thinks Jared is right. But she knows this was big and this letter showed just how badly Connor was hurting when he took his own life. This is what the people needed to see. This was exactly what they needed to reinvigorate the Connor Project and the fundraiser. This was what people were going to relate to. 

“Jared, this is exactly what I was trying to do with the emails. People need to see what exactly Connor was going through. We have to post this right now,” Alana tells him, grabbing his arm and pulling him along with her. Alana didn’t care what Evan thought; this was above him anyways. This was like a sign that she was doing the right thing. 

==

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_It turns out, this wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year. Because…why would it be?_

_Oh I know. Because there’s Zoe. And all my hope is pinned on Zoe. Who I don’t even know and who doesn’t know me. But maybe if I did. Maybe if I could just talk to her, then maybe…maybe nothing would be different at all._

_I wish that everything was different. I wish that I was a part of…something. I wish that anything I said mattered, to anyone. I mean face it: Would anybody even notice if I disappeared tomorrow?_

_Sincerely, your best and most dearest friend,_

_Me_

**Connor’s note is a message to all of us. Share it with as many people as you can. Post it everywhere. If you’ve ever felt alone like Connor, then please consider making a donation to The Connor Murphy Memorial Orchard. No amount is too small.**

==

Evan manages to get through almost the whole hour of his group meeting without panicking or looking at his phone (he kept it near in case Zoe called or texted, but didn’t actively open it). His group didn’t care that he was a little late or barely spoke up, which was good. And they didn’t seem to be treating him any differently, so they probably hadn’t seen the emails. Good, the less people who saw them the better. 

And he starts to believe that things might be okay, that he took them down in time and no one would know. That him and Zoe would be okay. That is until his phone starts ringing, and he sees Zoe is calling him. He’d said to call if she needed him, so this was probably important. Evan excuses himself from the table and goes into the hallway to answer shakily, “Hey Zo, is everything okay?” 

“No Evan, not at all. Alana posted your letter saying it was Connor’s suicide note. People keep calling our house and my phone and they’re writing the cruelest things. They’re attacking me and my parents,” Zoe tells him and he can tell from the tremble in her voice that she’s trying not to cry, but it doesn’t work because seconds later he can hear her starting to sob. 

Evan can’t believe Alana would do something like this, minutes after he yelled at her to take down the emails. How did she even get that letter? There was one paper copy and last time he checked it was with Cynthia and there’s no way she’d willingly give it to Alana. So they had to have stolen it somehow. And Evan had thought he been angry the last couple weeks, but that was nothing to how he felt now. He wants to find Alana and Jared, because he just knew he had a part in this too, and shake them until they started seeing the horribleness of what they’d done. 

Evan must not have said anything, focusing on how he was going to hunt down Jared and Alana because Zoe says through her sobs, “Evan just please come home. I’m scared. I really need you.” 

“Yeah, Zo I’ll be there as fast as I can. We’ll fix this. Don’t look at anything online, please. I’m coming,” Evan tells her, hanging up and rushing back into the library to grab his stuff, hurriedly telling his group, “I have an emergency, I have to go.” 

Evan’s thankful that the Murphy’s lived closer to the school, meaning he could get there faster and that it was a path he knew by heart, so he didn’t have to think too much about where to go. He stupidly opens his phone and looks at the comments and the posts people were making in response to the note, 

_He wrote his suicide note to Evan because he knew his family didn’t give a shit_

**Zoe’s a stuck-up bitch, I go to school with her, trust me**

_Cynthia Murphy is one of the most disgusting women ever. I bet her video was fake_

**This is Zoe’s cell phone number if my sources are correct. Let her know what you think of her**

_Larry Murphy is a corporate lawyer, all he cares about is money_

**@JKleinman2001: Repost this everywhere you can, everyone needs to see this. And don’t forget to donate to The Connor Project**

_Evan you should break up with Zoe, I can’t believe I thought you guys were #couplegoals_

**I’m not saying do anything illegal, but here’s the Murphy’s address. They leave their gate unlocked and Zoe’s bedroom window is the one on the right**

**@AlanaB: You guys we are so close to our goal! Thank you for all the donations, only $1000 to go!**

_Evan’s the only one who saw, who cared_

_Did you see Zoe in that video? She’s a stone-cold bitch who didn’t even cry for her brother. I wish it’d been her who died_

**Zoe if you’re reading this, good. We hope you feel what Connor felt. Maybe go out the same way too**

_Everyone keep calling all of them until they answer. It’s their fault Connor’s dead._

And Evan can’t believe these are the same people who had been so nice and supportive after his speech went viral. How could they be saying these things? To the Murphy’s and to Zoe? People were encouraging others to hurt Zoe, not just with words, with actual violence. And Evan can see why she was so scared. Maybe he should’ve left the emails up, all of them said incredibly nice things about Zoe and her parents. Had he made this worse somehow? No. Evan couldn’t blame himself. He didn’t knowingly post someone’s “suicide note” to the internet to get donations. Alana Beck and Jared Kleinman were to blame, and he’d never forgive either of them for this.

He starts to frantically call both of them, alternating between the two, hoping one would answer so he could yell at them to take this down immediately. But neither of them is answering and he saw them live-tweeting, so he knows they have their phones and are just ignoring him. But he leaves voicemail after voicemail, demanding that they take this down and demanding to know how they’d gotten it. And he hasn’t managed to make anything better by the time he reaches the Murphy’s, he’s only worked himself up further. 

Evan knows it’s not a good idea to knock on the door, considering what people were saying online, so he texts Zoe that he’s here, letting her come to the door to let him in. And seeing her so upset and distraught, makes him push down all of his own feelings. People weren’t coming after him, they were coming for her. And he needed to be there for her and fix this somehow. He didn’t care about himself, he only cared about her and Zoe needed him. 

Evan rushes inside and pulls Zoe into a hug immediately, feeling as her body wracked with sobs, shaking as she clung on to him. He starts brushing her hair down comfortingly, leaving little kisses to her hairline and whispering little nothings to her as she cried, because he doesn’t know what else to do in the moment. He couldn’t stop all the people on the internet, but then he remembers he could take the letter down himself, like he’d done with the emails. 

“Hey, Zo. I need my laptop. I can take the letter down, so at least it isn’t up on the pages. It won’t stop things, but maybe it’ll help,” Evan tells her continuing to pet her hair until he feels her nod against his shoulder. He gently moves them, so they were sitting in the staircase, Zoe still crying, head in his lap, while he pulled out his laptop. 

Evan tries to log on to their Facebook page first and he can’t. It was saying that the password was wrong. He knew the password wasn’t wrong, he’d just logged on a little over an hour ago (when his biggest problem had been the emails). So he tries the Connor Project Twitter. And the same thing happens. And the Instagram. And the Tumblr. And the Reddit. And even his own page. He was locked out of every single account belonging to the Connor Project. 

Alana had probably been mad when she found out he deleted the emails, urging Jared to change the passwords, so Evan couldn’t do it again. They’d planned this. How could they? Were they not monitoring what people were saying? Did they not see the pain they were causing? Was the orchard really more important than a real-life family? People both of them knew? Who had welcomed them into their home and been nothing but warm and kind? A family that had worked so hard to find the little joy they had after such a painful tragedy? 

“Zoe, I don’t know what to do. They locked me out of all the accounts. I can’t take anything down. And they won’t answer my calls,” Evan tells her, starting to tear up too, completely out of frustration. Zoe needed him and he was utterly helpless. Useless in stopping this. Contributing to hurting the people he loved the most. Why couldn’t he fix this?

“Why would they do this to us? The emails were bad, but this?” Zoe asks quietly, her sobs slowing down into tears, as Evan sets aside his laptop to hold her again, making tiny circles on her back soothingly. 

He’s about to say something, anything to try and make her feel better, when they hear Cynthia yelling from the dining room, “These are adults Larry. They’re not kids harassing our daughter. Look at their pictures, they’re adults and you want to do nothing.” 

“I don’t know. I don’t know what to do. We could tell your parents that it was Jared and Alana who posted it,” Evan tells her, still at a loss of what he could possibly do to make her feel better. 

“Okay. I don’t know what it’ll do, but I think they should know,” Zoe says, getting her crying down to sniffles, feeling just the smallest bit better now that Evan was here. 

Evan lets her stand up, and immediately puts his arm around her shoulders, keeping her tucked into his side as they walk into the dining room. And like happenstance, as they enter the room Zoe’s phone rings, and Larry tries to tell her, “Just let it ring Zoe.” 

But Zoe doesn’t, she answers it anyways, and Evan watches as her face crumbles, scrunching up like she was going to start crying again. And this he could fix. Evan grabs the phone from Zoe and yells to the caller, “I hope you feel good about yourself. Have fun with your miserable life. Never call this number again.” 

“Zoe, who was that? Did they try to threaten you? Turn off your phone, now,” Larry tells her, angrier than Evan had ever seen him, and Zoe just shakes her head, not wanting to tell her dad whatever that person had said. 

“That’s it, I’m calling the police,” Cynthia says, frantically looking through her purse for her cell phone, as Larry turns to her and says, “Wait, Cynthia. Maybe this will blow over by tonight. Maybe we don’t have to involve any authorities.” 

“That’s always your solution, isn’t it? Just do nothing,” Cynthia yells at him, also more upset than Evan had ever seen her, and it’s not helping him or Zoe when Larry yells back, “That’s not what I said.” 

“Can you guys please stop?” Zoe says, raising her voice a little, trying to be heard over her parents yelling, and it breaks Evan’s heart. This is what it must have been like before. When Zoe would describe her family before Connor died, it had always been so hard to imagine (not that he didn’t believe her one hundred percent, he did), but the family he always got to be around, was struggling, yeah, but happy. They cared about each other. They were trying. And those weren’t the parents he was seeing now. 

“Well Cynthia, what would the police do exactly? Arrest the internet? We don’t know the people posting all this stuff. We don’t know who keeps calling,” Larry tries to reason, still yelling at her, like Zoe and Evan weren’t even in the room. 

“I had to beg you every step of the way. I had to plead with you for therapy, for rehab, for everything we tried to do for Connor,” Cynthia says angrily, bringing up things about Connor that Evan had only kind of heard from Zoe. 

“Okay, hold on. You went lurching from one miracle cure to another. All I wanted to do was put him on a program and make him stick to it. Another $20,000 yoga retreat wasn’t going to help him,” Larry defends himself, and Evan can feel Zoe shaking too, and he can’t tell if it’s from her being angry too, or from being reminded about everything that went wrong with her brother and how her parents treated both of them during it. 

“No, you didn’t. You treated Connor like a criminal. You were trying to punish him,” Zoe yells at her dad, clutching on to Evan for support and he was willingly giving it to her. He didn’t feel like it was his place to say anything. He hadn’t known the family then. But he couldn’t help but feel extremely uncomfortable. This whole thing reminded him of when his parents would fight in front of him, not caring that he was watching, absorbing everything they were doing. 

“Listen to your daughter Larry,” Cynthia yells, thinking Zoe was agreeing with her, until Zoe turns to her and yells, “You think you were any better? You let Connor do whatever he wanted. You let him terrorize me, threaten to kill me, and never did anything about it. You think that helped him?” 

Evan knew that Connor had done those things to Zoe and many more things, but it doesn’t change the way it feels like a punch to the gut when Zoe screams it at her parents. And he can’t tease out anything that he was actually feeling. He was anxious and angry and sad and desperate to comfort Zoe and completely unable to say anything at all about Connor Murphy. 

Neither of Zoe’s parents say anything to her after that, ignoring that they had done that, hadn’t set any boundaries for Connor. Instead they go back to yelling at each other, “Well you said he just wanted attention, and wouldn’t help me try to parent him. He was getting better. Ask Evan. Tell him Evan.” 

Evan freezes, even stops the way he was gently rubbing Zoe’s arm. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t lie to them. But he already had so many times over. He was in so deep. What was worse, letting them think they drove their son to kill himself or admitting that he’d been lying the whole time about knowing and caring about Connor? 

He chooses the cowardly option of saying nothing, letting Zoe pick her head up from his chest to yell again, “Don’t pull Evan into the middle of this.” 

Even when at her absolute lowest of lows, Zoe was still trying to protect him, keep his lie going. And he wants to love her for that, but all he feels is immense guilt. He had put her in that position where she felt like he was more important than her. And that wasn’t the case at all. Zoe didn’t deserve to be put through any of this. And he wants it all to stop. He wants to go back to three days ago when they were all happy. When they had dinner together and played family board games and had chocolate chip fights and played catch together outside. 

And more than he wants that for himself, he wants that for Zoe. She had already lived through enough of this when Connor was alive, the volatile fights and harsh blows to everyone in sight. He couldn’t let this continue, let her suffer through any more of this. She deserved to be happy, to have the happy family she’d experienced over the last weeks. And he’d do anything to give that back to her, no matter what the cost.

“Connor was trying to be better. He was trying.” 

“Connor was failing.” 

“No we failed him,” Cynthia cries, and Evan can’t take it anymore. They didn’t fail Connor. They were good people. This wasn’t their fault. And Evan knows it’s going to be bad, that it’s going to ruin his life, but he had to tell them the truth, and only hope that they understood that all he’d wanted to do was help them. 

And if he stayed quiet right now, all he was going to do was hurt them more. And he couldn’t. He couldn’t hurt them. 

“No, you didn’t,” Evan starts, making them turn to look at him, Zoe lifting her head once again, confused about what he was doing as he continues, “You didn’t fail Connor.” 

“But Evan, look at what he wrote,” Cynthia says lowering her voice, thinking that Evan was just trying to comfort them, like he always did. 

“He didn’t write it. I wrote it,” Evan tells them, looking away from their faces, knowing he’d just destroyed everything he loved. But maybe it would save Zoe and her chance at a family. And that maybe, made it all worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up is Words Fail, which is clearly the saddest song in the musical. I haven't nailed down exactly what else will go next chapter too, but some big things are happening! Stay tuned!


	10. 'Cause I Loved You, I Swear I Loved You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan confessions everything and has a talk with Zoe and with Heidi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! First I'm sorry I'm posting this one a little later than normal, but I got a late start writing it (y'all work sucks) and had to cram a little today to finish on time. And I'm not going to lie, it's not my favorite chapter, because I just thought it could've been better. But I'm a very harsh critic of myself, so this chapter might be actually a lot better. And I still hope you like it though!! It's a little sad, but there's a lot of fluff too cause balance. 
> 
> And I asked last chapter about changing the rating and I've decided to not change the overall rating on this story for now, but I'm warning you now that the next chapter will have an M rating. I will do my best to cue it through the chapter, so if you want to skip over parts you can, but yeah, next chapter folks. 
> 
> And thank you thank you thank you to everyone supporting this story in any way. By reading, by subscribing, by leaving comments (I seriously love hearing what you think), or by leaving kudos. I appreciate it so so so so much! Thank you again!!

Everyone is quiet after Evan’s admission, staring at him like there was something wrong with him, unable to actually process what he’d just said. And Evan can’t decide if it’s worse or better than the yelling. 

“Evan, what are you talking about?” Zoe asks him quietly, still holding on to him, wanting to know why he was telling her parents everything he’d told her that first night he came to dinner. And Evan can tell she’s trying to keep up appearances, trying to subtly ask him why he was doing this. All he manages to do is give her a small shake of his head ‘no’, imperceptible to no one but Zoe, telling her to not say anything, to let him take all the responsibility for this mess. It was his fault anyway; he wasn’t going to let Zoe take the fall for any of it. 

Zoe understands what he’s trying to tell her, and she starts crying into his chest again, pulling him even closer, knowing that Evan was sacrificing everything right now. Everything that made him happy. Everything he loved. He had nothing to fall back on, not after his fight with his mom earlier. Her family was his life. And she couldn’t possibly grasp what was so important for him to give that up. 

“You didn’t write Connor’s suicide note, Evan,” Cynthia says breaking the silence and shaking her head, not wanting to believe what Evan said. Turning away from him and back to Larry, like Evan hadn’t even said anything at all.

“No, you don’t understand. It wasn’t a suicide note, it was an assignment from my therapist. Write a letter to myself, ‘Dear Evan Hansen, today’s going to be a god day and here’s why’ and it,” Evan tries to tell them, starting to rub small circles on Zoe’s back, simultaneously trying to comfort her and keep his own panic at bay. If he could focus on her, then maybe everything around him wouldn’t crash and burn. Maybe he wouldn’t crash and burn.

“I don’t think. I can’t believe,” Larry starts, looking back and forth between Evan, who was still clinging to Zoe and starting to shake, and his wife who was also desperate to understand what was happening, why Evan was saying all of this now.

“I was supposed to bring it to therapy and Connor took it from the printer and then he wouldn’t give it back. And I guess, he kept it, or he had it with him when he…when you found him,” Evan says, knowing this is what he should’ve said so, so many weeks ago. But they’d been so sad, he’d thought it’d be okay. How could he have possibly imagined they’d be here? It was supposed to be one night, a few nice words about a lonely boy and that’s it. But he’d let it go so much further than that. 

“I never meant, I never thought. This whole mess, I just,” Evan starts trying to explain why he’d done it, but he stops himself. It didn’t matter why he’d done it. Carried on with his lies, let Zoe pull herself into it too. He’d done it and he couldn’t go back. 

“No, no, no. There were emails. You showed us your emails,” Cynthia says pitifully, looking so hopeful at Evan, thinking that maybe this was the lie, that Evan decided now was a good time to try and lie to them. To make up stories. And Evan can’t take it, so he looks away from her and down to the ground. He already knew an anxiety attack was coming, but he tries to push it down. He tries to match Zoe’s breathing even though it was labored too, commit the feeling of having her in his arms to memory, knowing that it probably wasn’t going to last much longer.

“But you knew about the orchard. You and Connor went to the orchard together,” Larry says, not understanding how Evan could’ve known something like that, if him and his son hadn’t been friends. And it doesn’t help when Cynthia adds, “That’s where you broke your arm this summer.” 

“I, I broke my arm at work at Ellison Park. By myself. I don’t know what else to say,” Evan tells them, not wanting to point out that he’d never said that during dinner, that Cynthia had just filled in all the holes in his story for both of them. Believed what she had wanted to, despite what Evan had said. 

“No, that day at the orchard, you said Connor was there for you, that you were climbing together and fell, that he helped you,” Cynthia says, the realization finally coming to her that none of those things were real. Evan’s stories. Evan’s emails. Everything he’d ever told them about Connor wasn’t real. There was a reason the Connor Evan knew wasn’t like the one they knew. The Connor Evan knew didn’t exist outside of his one interaction at school. One sad attempt at social interaction that had went horribly wrong. 

Evan watches as Cynthia crumples into a heap on one of the chairs, whispering “oh god” to herself over and over again. Larry moves to his wife, putting his arm around her the same way Evan had seen him do hundreds of times. 

“I just thought, I tried to tell you, I did, but then, but then. I never had this kind of thing before. A mom and a dad who just wanted to love me, wanted me as part of their family. But that’s not a worthy explanation. I know there isn’t one. Nothing can make sense of everything I’ve done, everything I let happen,” Evan tells them, not trying to defend himself or justify anything. He couldn’t really. There wasn’t a good reason to have lied to two people who just lost their son, who were vulnerable and distraught. But he’d done it and he’d probably ruined their lives all over again. 

It’s quiet again and Evan pulls Zoe closer, setting his head in the crook of her neck, continuing to selfishly let her presence comfort him. And he doesn’t know what to do besides that. Neither Larry nor Cynthia seemed to have noticed that Zoe wasn’t saying anything, wasn’t leaving Evan’s side, was upset, yes, but for a completely different reason than they were. 

Suddenly Evan feels Zoe being pulled from him, forcing him to look up, seeing that Larry had grabbed Zoe by the elbow, attempting to get her away from Evan. But Zoe’s resisting him, wailing, and thrashing her arm around trying to get him to let go, trying to stay with Evan. And Evan’s trying to keep her next to him too, looping his arm back around her waist. Evan knows it’s self-serving to keep Zoe to himself, instead of letting her go with her family. But he wasn’t ready yet, still reeling from what he’d confessed to Cynthia and Larry, he still needed her. And the tiniest glimmer in his mind tells him that she might still need him. 

Larry finally lets her go and Zoe takes several steps back, pulling Evan with her, clearly showing whose side she was taking for this whole mess. She knew Evan and she knew he had been trying to do something nice. Something that no one else would have done for her or for her family. Who cares if he’d benefited from keeping this lie up? Was it really that bad that he wanted to keep feeling loved? Why were neither of her parents recognizing that? Or the fact that they’d contributed to this too, it hadn’t just been Evan.

“Zoe go to your room,” Larry says harshly, back to being incredibly angry, staring down the both of them, ignoring Cynthia crying behind them. And it scares Evan enough to pull Zoe in a little tighter, wanting to protect her no matter what. 

“No! You can’t make me,” Zoe yells at him defiantly, wiping away more tears that were falling against her will. She knew she was pressing her luck with her dad, that he wouldn’t like her answer. But why should she have to give up someone she loved because her parents were upset? Evan is a real friend, a real boyfriend to her. Connor was dead, but she was here, and her parents were still choosing Connor over her. It wasn’t fair. 

“Like hell I can,” Larry says taking a step towards her threateningly, and both Evan and Zoe know he means it. Zoe had seen her dad pick up and carry Connor out of several nasty fights, sometimes in an attempt to protect her from Connor’s wrath and sometimes to punish him and force him into his own room. Without a doubt he’d do the same to her. And Zoe doesn’t want to put Evan through that. To watch her be torn from his arms and dragged upstairs, she knows he’d never forgive himself if that happened. 

But if she was supposed to be upstairs, her parents wouldn’t have eyes on her. She could leave the same way she’d seen Connor do hundreds of times, sneak out the window and climb down the tree in front of their house. This wasn’t the last time she’d being seeing Evan today, that she was sure of. She’d never leave him like this. And it’s Evan’s heartbreaking “It’ll be okay Zo”, his voice cracking at the end, trying to be brave for her, that solidifies her plan to sneak out. 

Zoe glares at her dad and hastily presses a small kiss to Evan’s cheek, hoping that it conveys what she’s trying to tell him. That they were okay, even with this catastrophe around them with Evan’s confession and the Connor Project ordeal. That she wasn’t like everyone else, that she wasn’t actually leaving him. 

Zoe doesn’t get a chance to stick around and see if Evan understood her, because her dad is walking towards her again, so she quickly squeezes Evan’s hand and scurries out of the dining room, leaving Evan to fend for himself against her parents. And she just hopes that Evan will be okay until she can get to him again. 

And Evan can’t bear to watch her go, knowing that he’d brought this upon her, so he looks back down at the ground, unsure what to do without Zoe there. Did he keep trying to apologize? To explain what happened? Should he just leave now, knowing he’d never be allowed back? 

He chooses to continue to stand there, in the middle of the dining room, shaking and trying his hardest to breathe because he couldn’t physically manage to do much else at the moment.

“How could you do this to us Evan?” Cynthia asks quietly, and Evan wishes he hadn’t looked up to see her. Cynthia looked more crushed than anytime he’s seen her. She looks worse than the first time he’d met her in Mr. Howard’s office. After she’d lost her real son. And now he was forcing her into losing another one. 

“I, I,” Evan stammers, not knowing what to say at all. They probably wouldn’t believe him anyways. Think he was lying to them some more, which was fair because he was a liar. He was selfish. He was manipulative. He didn’t deserve a family like them. He may have let himself believe that for the time he was with them. He let himself believe that he could be part of this, but he couldn’t. People didn’t actually like Evan Hansen, let alone love him. This was going to happen eventually, and he should have just prepared himself better. Or not let himself get caught up in the first place. Let the allure of a family pull him in deeper and deeper. But he had and this hurt more than anything he’d ever experienced. 

“Evan. You need to leave. We don’t want you coming back here or going anywhere near our daughter,” Larry tells him bitterly, pointing towards their front door. And Evan gets it, he does, but it doesn’t hurt any less. Especially coming from someone who told him he’d always be welcome here. Someone who taught him how to throw a baseball. Someone who at one point had wanted to be his dad. 

Evan glances one more time to Cynthia and she looks taken aback, not expecting Larry to be that harsh, and she looks like she maybe wants to say something. But she doesn’t. She looks down at her lap and starts to cry once more. And Evan understands that too, but it doesn’t take away the feeling that he was being crushed by an entire building.

And Evan knows he can’t stay another minute here, in the place he’d felt the safest since before he could remember. He ruined this family, just like he’d ruined his own. But maybe, maybe they’d be okay if he was gone. If he left and never saw them ever again maybe they’d be able to heal again. And that’s all he really wants. 

So Evan nods and turns, walking out of the Murphy’s dining room, grabbing his bag on the way out of the front door. He keeps himself together until he can’t see their house anymore and finally lets himself break down, crumbling into a heap on some random park bench, letting the tears he’d been holding back fall.

How could he have been so stupid? How could he have let himself believe? Well, he knows how, because if he let himself believe, he could ignore everything he hated about himself. He didn’t have to see what was really there. He could pretend, just like he’d always done. 

And there’s no one else to blame but himself. Everything he’d ever wanted was right there, right there in front of him, and he couldn’t help it. But everything he’d done these last two months wad just a sad invention. An attempt to write himself into something he didn’t belong to. 

But they were so happy. Larry, Cynthia, Zoe, all of them were so happy, so he convinced himself it was okay. And he was happy, didn’t that count for anything? No, it didn’t. He didn’t deserve to be happy, to be loved. The Murphy’s were wasting that on him and just like everyone else, they were probably happier now that he wasn’t in their life. 

He led with the absolute worst part of himself, the part that lied and cheated and tricked, that did anything and everything to please the people around him. Did anything to make them think that he was worth something. Because what other choice did he have? People didn’t like the parts of him that Evan thought were good. Dumb trees. Dumb writing. Dumb soft voice. Even the slightly normal parts of him were terrible and awful. 

And he just can’t believe he’d ruined everything. He had no where to go from here. His mom for sure hated him more than she already did. And if she even happened to glance at anything online today, she’d know. She’d know everything. That he lied about being friends with Connor. That he’d lied about his letters. That he lied every time she asked him if he was doing okay. She’d know that he was a liar and a fake. She’d know how he really felt on that first day back at school. How miserable and lonely he was. And she’d be disappointed in him, like always. He couldn’t bear to even attempt to see her. 

Because what if she completely rejected him? Thought about the way he snuck out and never came back a couple days ago and remembered how he’d yelled at her and had been so ungrateful, and decided she’d had enough? What would he do then? His mom wouldn’t want him, his dad didn’t want him, and now the Murphy’s explicitly told him they didn’t want him either. He had no one. So how could a seventeen-year-old fuck-up with no skills manage on their own? They can’t. And he didn’t want to face that reality yet. 

And then there’s Zoe. The one person he loved more than anything, who he’d probably never get to see again. And he didn’t deserve to see her again. And if he’d thought the Murphy’s might get a restraining order filed against him for his note at the beginning of school, well then, they’d for sure do it now. They didn’t want him anywhere near her and Larry was a lawyer, he’d make it happen. At least he had some good memories, that was more than he had for most people.

And he has to remind himself that he did this for her. To save her family. To give her the chance to have what he could never have. To give her the family that didn’t yell and fight and hate each other. He couldn’t let that be her life, not when she’d just experienced what it could be. What her life could be with parents who were attentive and trying and cared so much about her. He did it because he loved her. And he’d do it again and again if it meant that she might be happy. And he knew she would be. With or without him, Zoe would be okay. 

And he knows Zoe had kissed his cheek before she fled to her room, but to Evan, it felt like more of a goodbye than anything else. A thank you for not pulling her into his fire with him. It had a sense of finality to him. A bit of closure on the good times they had. And he’s okay with that if that’s what she wanted. He’s not really okay, but if Zoe was done, then he had to be too. Even if she was the best thing to have ever happened to him. She deserved more than he could ever give.

And that same terrible, awful, horrible part of him, the side he tries to hide before anyone else can see, that side yearns for Zoe. He wants so badly for her to be here, to comfort him, to tell him it’d be okay. He misses her and he wants her. But that was probably just him being selfish again. He was too dependent on her, lulled into a false sense of security when she was around. Why should she have to come comfort him, when he’s the one who was responsible for all the terrible things happening to her right now? He’d done nothing but cause her pain and he still blindly hopes that she could feel anything for him. How pathetic could he get? 

He doesn’t know how long he’s been sitting on this bench, crying and wallowing, unable to breathe, wondering what would happen if he never got up, just stayed here until he wasted away completely, when he hears tires screeching to halt, forcing him to look up. And he sees the car he’d become so accustomed to seeing in the last months. The yellow slug bug belonging to none other than Zoe Murphy. 

And she races out to him, probably illegally parking her car once more. And Evan wants to be happy to see her, he was literally just wishing she were here. But he starts crying even harder, curling into himself more. She couldn’t be here. If her parents knew that she was here with him, they’d do something terrible. They’d probably send her to boarding school or to live with her grandparents or something to keep her far, far away from him. And he didn’t want that for her. He didn’t want to be the reason she had to leave. 

Zoe doesn’t seem to care that Evan was retreating further into himself, she was just thankful she’d found him after driving around for a bit. And when she gets to him, she immediately wraps him up, moving his arms away from his knees, holding on to him tightly. Zoe even goes as far as wrapping her legs around his waist, sitting between his legs, gripping on to him so there was no way he could run, even if he wanted to. He doesn’t want to run from her though. All he ever did was run but he never wanted to run from her.

He lets the side of himself that he hates so much take over, wrapping his arms around Zoe too, holding her just as close as she was doing to him. And he’s thankful that she’s actually here, that her kiss wasn’t goodbye, that she wasn’t leaving him to deal with this on his own, for now at least. 

Zoe starts frantically kissing all over his face, not caring that he was still kind of crying and had been for some time, she was just glad she’d found him in one piece. She’d been so worried he’d do something, something terrible to himself and that she’d find him too late. But she hadn’t and she doesn’t have to think about that. She could just be happy Evan was okay. Well, maybe not okay, but he wasn’t trying anything. Not on her watch.

“Evan, you stupid boy. Why on earth would you tell them?” Zoe says, continuing to pepper kisses all over his face so that he would know that she didn’t actually think he was stupid. That she was just shocked that he’d told her parents everything. That the moment when the Connor Project was blowing up was the right time to tell them. 

“I couldn’t Zo, I couldn’t,” Evan starts, letting Zoe move her hands to around his neck, and running her hands through his hair soothingly before continuing, “I couldn’t ruin your guys’ lives like that. I had to.” 

“Well, I’ll fix it, I promise. I’ll make them understand. I’ll tell them that I helped, and I knew the whole time,” Zoe tells him, jumping a little as Evan’s head shoots up at her offer. She’s relieved that he’s stopped crying but doesn’t know why he was so startled by her suggestion. She had knowingly been a part of everything they’d done. She made the email account. She helped Evan lie. She helped him form what would be the Connor Project. Evan hadn’t done this alone, even if he wanted to think that. 

“No, no, no Zoe. You can’t do that. They can never know you were a part of this. It’s, it’s one thing for me, but it’s a whole different thing for you. You can’t,” Evan tells her, nuzzling his head back into the crook of her neck. He would never let Zoe take the fall for any of the things he’d done. If she tried to say anything, he’d deny it. He’d rather burn himself a thousand times than ever let her get near a flame. Even if she helped along the way, it didn’t matter because _he_ had started it all. He’d made the decision to not correct Cynthia and Larry, to go to dinner that night. His first lie started all of this, and Zoe had nothing to do with that. 

“I would do anything Evan, anything to make this better. I love you,” Zoe says, voice thick with emotion, moving his head easily so she could look him in the eye. She wanted him to know that she was completely serious. That she loved him whole-heartedly. And she wishes she’d said it sooner, because the way Evan’s face falls, she knows that he’s going to try and deny it. Tell her that there was no way she could love him. But she did. And she had for a very long time. 

“I love you more than anything Zoe, and I wanted to tell you. But I wanted it to be special, so you’d know. And I ruined everything. And I don’t deserve any of your love. I ruined your life. I’ll only bring more terrible things, and I can’t do that to you,” Evan tells her, his voice cracking just a little, and it pains Zoe to think that Evan was being so sincere. That he truly thought he didn’t deserve to be loved by her. He brought her so much joy and happiness since she really got to know him. He was sweet and understanding and loyal, and he cared so much about her. In her eyes, no one would ever compare Evan. No one would ever love her the way Evan did.

“Evan, I love you. And I might never be able to compete with the noises in your head, but they’re the ones who are lying. You haven’t done anything terrible to me or ruined my life. You’ve given me so much. I’ll tell you as many times as I need too,” Zoe says adamantly, pressing a chaste kiss to his mouth, trying to make Evan understand that she was being genuine. 

“People were threatening you because of what I did. How could you possibly love someone like that?” Evan cries, unable to even be the slightest bit excited that Zoe _loved_ him. He should be over the moon, be all he can do is remember all the awful things people were writing online about Zoe. That she was a bitch and that she should kill herself too. That people should hurt her. He’d created the platform for them to do that. It was his fault people were harassing her. 

“Evan. I. Love. You. Every. Single. Piece. Of. You,” Zoe says, punctuating each word with a kiss. She was serious when she’d said she’d say it as many times as it took for Evan to believe it. And she wanted to point out to him, that he hadn’t posted the letter. He hadn’t been encouraging people online to donate or share an alleged suicide note. He hadn’t locked himself out those accounts. What happened today was not Evan’s fault, even if he wanted to believe that. They could cover that later though; more important things were happening.

“And I even love the parts that tell you that I’m lying. The parts you couldn’t possibly think that I could, but I do. I meant it when I said you’re my everything Evan Hansen,” Zoe keeps telling him, watching as his eyes went from disbelief to understanding. And she thinks she might have finally gotten through to him. Possibly pulled him out of this spiral.

“I meant it too. I love you Zoe Murphy,” Evan starts, finally giving her cheek a tiny peck, accepting her words just a little, letting himself have some joy in the moment. He doesn’t know how or why Zoe would love him, but he knew that Zoe didn’t lie to him. That he could believe her. He could trust Zoe and he did. But then he remembers the way Larry looked when he had told Evan to go no where near their daughter and he’s crushed once more, whimpering to Zoe, “But your parents, they, they, uh…”

“I don’t care at all what they said or however they tried to scare you. I’m not staying away from you. They can’t make me,” Zoe says, cutting Evan off. She knew they didn’t mean it. They’d said so many things in the heat of the moment in all their fights with Connor and they never stuck to them. They were angry. And Zoe knew they loved Evan, which is why they were hurting. But it’s also how she knew they’d forgive him eventually. She’d make sure of it. 

“I don’t want you to stay away, and I know that’s selfish, but I need you. I need one person who can see past every terrible thing about me,” Evan whispers to her, this time letting her head fall to his shoulder, letting her gain some comfort from him, rather than Zoe having to always reassure him, even though he knows his words weren’t comforting to her.

“I need you too Evan. I’ve always needed you. More than anything I’ve needed someone to just see me, and that’s you. And I don’t think it’s selfish,” Zoe says, reaching her head up to kiss the side of Evan’s neck lightly, before laying her head back down. She listens to Evan heartbeat and his breathing, comforted by the fact they were decreasing and evening out. She’s glad she was a calming presence to him, that she helped him in a way no one else ever could. 

It could have been minutes or hours that Evan and Zoe stay completely wrapped up in each other, time had no meaning when they were together. But eventually Evan realizes that Zoe shouldn’t even be there with him, out of her house. How had she even done that? 

“Zo, not that I’m not glad you came to find me, but like how are you even here right now? Your parents are going to kill you,” Evan says, not wanting to see a Larry who was even angrier than he was before. He doesn’t, under any circumstance, want Zoe going back to place where she might be yelled at or made to feel unsafe. That was the exact opposite of what he wanted. He’d done what he’d did so she’d never have to feel like that ever again. 

“I snuck out of the window like Connor used to do. And they won’t, I promise. Honestly, they probably haven’t even checked to see if I’m in there. And I locked the door,” Zoe tells him, not lifting her head at all to talk to him. She knew how her parents acted during big blow outs like this one. They were for sure downstairs and still yelling. They probably hadn’t even noticed her car was gone. Sometimes it was for the better that her parents didn’t always pay attention to her. 

“Okay, I just want you to be okay. God, Zo, what are we going to do, about everything?” Evan says, hugging her tighter and trying to let her presence keep him calm, even though there was so much more they had to handle. They had school to deal with. They still had to deal with Alana and Jared and the Connor Project. And Evan still had to figure out where he was going to go. It was a lot for two teenagers to deal with on their own. 

“I don’t really know Ev. But we’ll figure it out together. Neither of us are alone in this, okay?” Zoe tells him lifting her head once more to meet Evan’s gaze, shivering a little as she feels Evan’s hands settle on her low back, slipping under the hem of her shirt. He was making small circle patterns and right now Zoe couldn’t figure out if it was more comforting to her or to him, but she liked it, and she wasn’t even sure Evan knew he was doing it. 

Evan just nods at her answer, pressing a soft kiss to her forehead, whispering, “I love you” to her again. And even though she understood the dire circumstances both of them were in, hearing Evan actually say it made her feel fluttery inside, like nervous butterflies but better. She wants him to keep saying, as much as he can. And she wishes this wasn’t the way they were telling each other, and she knows Evan thinks that too, but it was. And they’d get more chances to have ‘special’ firsts in the future. 

“Hey Evan, I promise I’ll make them understand okay? They might need a couple days or some time, but it’ll happen. We can all sit down, and you can explain things without everything else that’s happened today going on, you know? It won’t be like this forever,” Zoe says setting one of her hands on his cheek, gently moving her thumb back and forth.

Evan leans into her touch, truly thankful Zoe was there for him and for them. He knew things weren’t going to be easy, not even close, but in a way that only Zoe can, she makes him think that things might actually turn out okay. That this wasn’t the end, only the beginning. And it’s the first time all day he’s looked forward to something coming instead of being done and over with. 

“Okay, but please, I’m serious, don’t tell them you were a part of this. I started this which means anything after it is my fault. I would never be able to live with myself if your parents hated you too,” Evan tells her as earnestly as he can. Her involvement with this lie needed to die as a secret between them. 

“I won’t, I promise. But my parents don’t hate you,” Zoe says letting her hand fall back to the nape of his neck with her other hand, playing softly with Evan’s hair. Evan shoots her an incredulous look, knowing there was no way that was true, making her continue, “They could never hate either one of us. They love us, I know they do. It’s like when Connor would colossally fuck up and they’d fight. But my parents love and loved Connor so much. It’s the same thing. They love you Evan, they just need some time.” 

Evan looks down and away from her, knowing deep down she was probably right, but he just couldn’t shake the feeling that Zoe was completely wrong about it all. There was no way her parents still loved him, not after this. But he wants more than anything for her to be right, for him to get the chance to fix this mess. So for now, he was going to choose to believe her. And he lifts his head back up to look her in the eye, letting her know he was putting his faith in her. 

“Zo, the other thing that I just can’t stop thinking about is those people. Do you think you’ll be safe tonight if you went home? With everything that’s happening? I’m so worried that something could happen to you or to your parents,” Evan says, finally stopping his ministrations on her back, blushing as he realized he’d been doing it. But the look Zoe gives him tells him that she didn’t want him to stop, so he starts his little circles up again, waiting for her answer. 

“I mean, I’m not going to lie to you, I’m a little scared with people posting our address and some of the things they were saying, but I think it’ll be okay. I trust my dad, and he knows it’s been happening. If you can’t be there with me tonight, I feel better knowing my parents think it’s serious, you know? They won’t hesitate,” Zoe tells him, hoping it would make Evan feel better about everything. The Connor Project thing wasn’t his fault and she thinks they both might be in a better headspace to talk about that soon. Evan needed to understand he wasn’t responsible for that. 

“What about school tomorrow?” Evan asks, still obviously very concerned about how people would try to treat Zoe. Her parents wouldn’t be with her at school, but he would be. And he may be an anxiety-riddled disaster, but he would do anything, fight or yell at anyone, _anyone_ , who even dared to look at Zoe in a suspicious way. And he knows he’ll be at school tomorrow (regardless of where he was tonight) and he would personally deal with Alana and Jared. Without the haze of feeling so overwhelmed by everything else he was starting to remember that not everything was quite his fault. That two people in particular were to blame for starting the online campaign against Zoe and her parents. 

“I mean, I don’t know for sure, but I think I should go. Show people that I’m stronger than they are. That trying to use my brother’s suicide as a way to harass me isn’t okay. And I know I can get through it, especially with you by my side Ev,” Zoe tells him, pressing a light kiss to his cheek, thankful that he cared so much. 

“Of course I’ll stand by you. I’ll do anything tomorrow to make sure you’re okay. Starting with Jared and Alana. What they did was disgusting and I’ll make them take it down for starters, along with every single comment,” Evan tells her, starting to feel the tiniest bit better knowing there was a plan in place for both areas of turmoil. Zoe would work on her parents and Evan would work on the Connor Project disaster. It wasn’t a great plan, but it was something. A steppingstone towards not being such a train wreck, being a real friend and a supportive boyfriend. 

Zoe nods in agreement with him, knowing that Evan was serious. Evan may be anxious, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t stand up for her or for them. And he’d already gotten enough practice being confrontational towards Jared and Alana in the last weeks. And he didn’t have much to lose anyway, in his eyes the Connor Project was dead. If he had to go down in a fiery mess, then so would the Connor Project. He wasn’t going to let Jared and Alana benefit any longer from a tragedy he now knew they didn’t actually care about. 

“And Zoe, maybe I can post something about the letter being stolen? Something to make it better? Do you think that could help?” Evan asks, genuinely wondering if it would help or hurt more if he tried to make an online statement. Maybe silence was better, letting people know he didn’t support their treatment of the Murphy’s. But maybe if he said nothing, people would think he did support it? Evan felt like he was in a “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” situation with the Connor Project. And he can’t believe the thing he’d created to help people ended up damaging so much. 

“Um, I don’t know. But maybe don’t add to anything, just let it cool down like my dad said? People will know where you stand tomorrow, and I think that’s good enough. I hope it is at least,” Zoe says thoughtfully, not really wanting to add any fuel to what people were saying. For all she knew, Evan saying something could trigger people attacking him too, and she didn’t want that. The best plan was to probably let everything pass, wait for people to stop caring, like they always did. They’d done it right after Connor had died and they’d probably do it again. 

“Okay, I hope so too. And you know that nothing that they said was true? You’re not any of those things and they don’t know anything about your and Connor’s relationship. And you’re not responsible for the way I felt over the summer and when school started,” Evan tells her quietly, hands taking a pause from the circles to squeeze Zoe’s hips soothingly. He realizes that with everything happening so quickly at her house earlier, they hadn’t even gotten a chance to talk about what people were writing. And now that Evan wasn’t nearly as close to an existential crisis as he’d been and hour ago, he could properly try to comfort Zoe. Make sure she didn’t internalize any of those horrible comments. 

“It’s hard Ev, but I do know. I’m really trying, but sometimes it’s hard not to think, like what if I’d done more, what if I’d been braver or told someone earlier about Connor? What if I’d been brave enough to talk to you sooner too? Maybe a lot of things would be different. And sometimes that weighs on me a lot,” Zoe confesses to him, looking up at Evan, determined to not start crying again. She knew in her heart that there probably wasn’t a lot she could have done, especially since she was pretty scared of Connor towards the end there, but she always wondered if she’d just got over being nervous and talked to the cute boy a grade ahead of her (who at the time she thought was just adorably shy) sooner, than she could’ve at least helped Evan.

“You told me that you’d tell me things until I start to believe them, and I’ll do the same. I’ll tell you as many times as you need to hear that neither me nor Connor were your fault. But I understand, I do. Sometimes I think about that too. What if I had actually talked to you after the spring jazz band concert, or what if I’d stood up to Jared and done something instead of cowering. That maybe everything would be so different. But I don’t think it’s that fair to blame our past selves you know? Like we didn’t know we’d be here. And like four days ago, I probably would have said I wouldn’t change anything,” Evan tells her, trying to show her that he knew exactly where she was coming from. He used to be consumed with so many what ifs, unable to accept what was actually happening, but being with Zoe had helped him in that regard. Helped him try to live a little more in the moment, knowing he couldn’t go back and change things. 

“Thanks Ev, we’ll remind each other. That can be part of the plan,” Zoe tells him, giving him a tiny smile, knowing that Evan liked to do things with “plans” in place. That it was comforting to him. And she wasn’t going to lie, it was comforting to her too, knowing that anytime she felt down, Evan would be there to help her back up. 

“I guess the last part of the plan is where to literally go from here, for me at least. I don’t know if I can go home and I obviously can’t stay with you. I don’t know what to do Zoe,” Evan says sadly, finally covering the third part of his nightmare, the fact that he’d been so terrible to his own mom, that he didn’t know if could actually go to his house or not. 

“I mean I don’t know for sure either Evan. I think you should try with your mom. I know it wasn’t okay a few days ago, but maybe still try? Explain what happened today to her? I think it’s really your only option right now,” Zoe says, hating that Evan couldn’t come home with her and she couldn’t pretend she was in her room forever. 

“Do you think she’ll care or want to see me after everything? We were both so angry that night, and I said some pretty awful things to her,” Evan tells her, ashamed at the way he acted, even if it had been spurred on by feeling so distraught after the failed attempt at dinner. He’d been feeling so loved by Zoe’s parents and so neglected by his own, he’d thought it would be fine, that he wouldn’t need her anymore. He never imagined he’d be here, with Zoe, seemingly at the park where she always found him, with no direction and nowhere to go. 

“Yeah I think so, she’s your mom Ev. And it’s been a couple days since that. I mean I think you had some ground in the things you told her. It’s not really fair to you how much she leaves you on your own. But um, I can also see how she would be upset about what happened too. She didn’t know and my parents kinda came on strong with the whole college thing. I think it was a rough night for everyone, but it doesn’t mean it’s unfixable,” Zoe says softly, kissing his cheek lightly, remembering how upset Evan had been and how Heidi had pretty much stormed out of her house. But she really did think it could be fixed if Evan gave it a shot. If it didn’t, she didn’t know what would happen, and she didn’t really want to think about that possibility. 

“Yeah, you’re right. And it really is the only real option I have, but it still makes me worried,” Evan says, setting his head on her shoulder, realizing for the first time during their whole conversation that Zoe was still in his lap with her legs wrapped tightly around his waist. It makes him blush a little, glad that Zoe couldn’t really see his face, but he makes no effort to move her. He likes her being this close, doing what she did best, pulling him back to reality and soothing all his worries. 

“I know, and it’s okay to be worried, I think. And I’d go with you if my parents weren’t, um, if everything else hadn’t happened today. If my parents have taken a break from fighting and decided to check on me, they might figure out that I’m gone soon. I wouldn’t be surprised if they’ve already put out an APB if they’ve noticed that I left,” Zoe tells him, hating that she had to bring up what was happening at her house, knowing that they’d already talked about it and that Evan would just feel worse about it. 

She also hated that what was happening was neither of their faults, but they had to deal with the consequences. They could have continued on, enjoying the happy rhythm they’d established, where they only thing they were stressing about was normal high school stuff, exams, progressing their relationship, the homecoming dance next month, normal things. But other people had decided to interfere, taking those things away from them. And she wanted to get back to their happy place as soon as possible. They both deserved it. 

“I’m sorry I caused all that Zo. Your parents fighting and everything, I just couldn’t let them think that Connor dying was their fault. I just wanted your family to have a chance to be okay, for you to have that chance, because I love you,” Evan tells her again, knowing the first time he’d said it, it probably hadn’t come out nearly as clear. But he was thinking straighter now, and he just needed her to know, he’d done it for her and for her alone.

“I know you did Evan; I know. And whatever my parents are thinking right now about everything, it’s just for now. It’ll get better and things will be okay eventually,” Zoe tells him reassuringly, feeling that little fluttery sensation again when Evan told her he loved her. It makes her wonder if Evan feels like that too. 

“How do you know that Zoe?” Evan asks, his voice small and timid, keeping his head on her shoulder, but finally moving his hands out from under her shirt, resting them on her hips instead. 

“Because we’re together and we’re okay and I love you more than anything. And to me those are more important than anything else happening right now,” Zoe says confidently, kissing Evan’s head because it was all she could reach with him leaning into her shoulder. And Evan doesn’t think he’ll ever get tired of hearing Zoe say those three little words. It makes him feel like everything would be okay, if not now, eventually. Anything was possible if him and Zoe stuck together. If they had each other. 

“Thank you Zoe, for everything you do. You’re incredible and too good for this world. And I’d like to keep you here, so if you think your parents might check on you soon, you should probably get home,” Evan says tone headed towards forlorn at the end, not really wanting to move from their current position, but he also knew they both had to face things at home. At the sooner they faced them, the sooner they could get back to their normal. And Evan really, really wanted that. 

“Yeah, I don’t really want to leave you, but you’re probably right. Do you want me to take you home too?” Zoe asks pulling Evan up from her shoulder, so he could see that she didn’t actually want to leave or drop him off with his mom honestly, that if she could stay with him, she would. 

Evan nods slowly, prompting Zoe to crawl off him, shaking her legs around after sitting like that for so long. Evan takes her hand as she offers it him, getting up and kissing the top of her hand before following her to her car, which thankfully hadn’t gotten a ticket while they’d been preoccupied. 

The drive to Evan’s house is quiet and he keeps a hold of Zoe’s hand the whole way there, playing a little with her fingers, trying to keep his mind busy so he didn’t have time to freak out about what might happen when Zoe left him. And it’s Zoe who sighs audibly when she parks in front of Evan’s house, not wanting him to leave either. So they just sit there for a little bit, both of them preparing for the other to leave and it was hard.

“You can do this Ev. And I’ll come pick you up tomorrow for school. And remember don’t try to call or text me, ‘cause my dad took my phone. But I’ll be here tomorrow, so you know that everything’s okay,” Zoe says a little frantically, just now realizing that she wouldn’t really be able to contact Evan once she left. Not until she got a new phone at least.

“Okay, and this is not like me to say at all, but everything will be okay. And I know that because we have each other. We’re not alone. And I love you,” Evan says like an affirmation mantra, watching Zoe nod after each thing he said. The more he said them, the more they’d be stuck in his head instead of all the negative thoughts that liked to push their way to the front of his mind. 

“We have each other. We’re not alone. And I love you too,” Zoe says repeating Evan’s words for both their benefits, leaning over the console to kiss him properly, for the first time this entire debacle. And Evan kisses her back until he can no longer breathe properly, finally having to pull away from her. And Evan places one final little kiss to Zoe’s cheek, before getting out of her car, and waiting and waving to her like he normally did. Zoe goes slower than normal and he’s thankful because every second he spent waving, was one he didn’t have to go inside for. But when he can’t see her car anymore, he knows it’s time. He has to face his mom. 

Evan is completely surprised when he walks through his front door and his mom is home and sitting on the couch, scrolling on her laptop, reading what he can only assume is all the terrible things posted on the Connor Project page. He’s glad that he doesn’t have to stay up, waiting for her to come home, but it meant he had to do this now, he couldn’t hide or run. 

“Evan, have you seen this? This note about Connor? It’s on everyone’s Facebook. ‘Dear Evan Hansen’ is how it starts. Did you…you wrote this? This note?” Heidi asks sorrowfully, knowing that's how Evan's therapy letters were supposed to start, getting up from the couch and coming to Evan. And she’s moving slowly and carefully, like Evan might break if she came too fast. She’s not yelling at him for sneaking out, or being disrespectful, or daring to show back up here, in her house. And Evan honestly doesn’t know how to react, so he just nods at her numbly. 

“Oh Evan, I didn’t know,” Heidi says putting her arms around him gently and guiding them both back to the couch, keeping her arms around him tightly and keeping him close. 

“Um, no one did except Zoe,” Evan says, feeling like his throat was going to close, an impending sign that he was going to start crying again. 

“No, no Evan, that’s not what I. I didn’t know that you were, that you were hurting so much. That you felt like that. How could I, how could I not know?” Heidi says and Evan thinks she might start crying too. And he doesn’t want that, he doesn’t want his mom to cry. 

“Because I never told you, Mom,” Evan sniffles, wiping away the tiny tears that were escaping, leaning his head on Heidi’s shoulder, letting her pull him even closer. It was actually nice that his mom was being so gentle with him. It’s not what he was expecting but he lets her do it. It wasn’t like when Zoe held him close, but he feels just as safe, something he thought he’d never really say about his mom. 

“You shouldn’t have had to,” Heidi tells him, recognizing that maybe she didn’t pay as close attention to Evan as he needed. That some of the things he’d told her were fair. She wasn’t home a lot and she didn’t always know how to talk to him. But she’d been hurt the other night too, and now, none of her hurt even mattered. Her son, who she loved so much, had written something akin to a suicide note and she hadn’t even known. Hadn’t even suspected anything. 

“But I lied. About, about so many things. Not just Connor, about last summer. I just felt so alone,” Evan chokes out, starting to full on cry now. He can’t believe he might tell his mom everything, the thing he’s only ever told Zoe before. 

“You can tell me,” Heidi says, encouraging Evan and starting to rub his arm gently and soothingly. 

“But you’ll hate me, and you should. If you knew what I tried to do. If you knew who I was, who I am and how broken I am. You’ll hate me, the Murphy’s already do too,” Evan cries, curling into his mom, still unable to say the one thing she was asking about. 

“Evan, I know who you are, and I could never hate you. I love you so much,” Heidi says still trying to be as gentle as she could be, knowing Evan was being so vulnerable with her, that he was fragile at the moment. 

Evan takes a moment to look up at his mom, who was trying to be strong for him, be someone he could lean on, and Evan just kind of knows that she’s forgiven him for all the terrible things he’s done. But he feels like it’s not enough, so he whispers to her, “I’m just so sorry, Mom, about everything.” 

“It’s okay baby. And I can promise you, someday, this will feel like such a long time ago. Things that feel so big right now, eventually they’ll feel so small. Do you remember the day your dad came to get his things?” Heidi asks him, wondering if this was the right time to bring up Evan’s dad abandoning both of them. But all she can think about is what she promised her little boy that day and she knows he probably didn’t even remember. Evan just shakes his head “no” against Heidi’s shoulder. He usually tried to actively block things about his dad out, not wanting to remember someone who didn’t want him. 

But his mom keeps going, telling him, “I told you to stay inside all day, but you saw that moving truck and you were so excited that we couldn’t not let you see inside it. You were so happy, and you didn’t understand why he was leaving. And you thought, and you asked me that night when I was tucking you into to bed, you asked me, ‘is there another truck coming tomorrow, a truck that will take mommy away too’? And I had to be strong for you and I told you there wasn’t another truck. That I wasn’t going anywhere. That no matter what, I would be there for you. And Evan that’s still true. No matter what happens, I’ll never leave you,” Heidi tells him, recalling that day in vivid detail, letting the tears she was holding back for Evan’s sake fall, but still doing her best to comfort him by little soothing rubs and little rocks. 

“But, but Mom, sometimes it feels like that. It feels like you leave me, and I, and I still need you to be here with me,” Evan tells her, finally admitting to his mom that the needed more, that he wasn’t okay. 

“I’m sorry and if that’s what you need, then I’ll do it. I love you. And Evan, I saw the way the Murphy’s were around you, honey they love you so much,” Heidi says, apologizing to him and promising to herself and to Evan that she’d do better. She’d make more time to spend with him, no matter what. She didn’t ever want Evan to feel like this again. 

“They’re trying to keep me and Zoe apart though. And you don’t even like Zoe. And people are saying the most horrible things to her online,” Evan keeps telling her, knowing it was the last hurdle he had to tell her. 

“Evan, no, I like Zoe, she seems lovely and I would love to meet her again, under better circumstances. And I saw the comments. I can’t tell you how to help there, because I don’t know either, love. But just give it time. We all need a little time to fix what we’ve broken. And that’s okay. We can do that, can’t we?” Heidi asks him, giving him a small smile trying to get him to agree too. He couldn’t fix everything overnight, but as long as he wanted to and worked towards it, she was sure it would be okay. 

“Yeah, we can do that,” Evan nods, and he actually thinks she might be right. All he needed was a little time. And he could fix what he’d broken. He could do that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are looking up for our dear sweet Evan, except him and Zoe have to deal with school.... Another warning that the next chapter will have a higher rating so letting you know ahead of time. Stay Tuned!!


	11. Hand Under My Sweater, Baby Kiss It Better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan and Zoe deal with Jared and Alana.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone!!! I'm so so sorry for updating this extremely late, but it's long and rated M, so hopefully that makes up for some stuff! So this chapter is a little chaotic, but I kind of love it's energy because it has all my favorite things: protective Evan, Evan and Zoe say fuck a lot, someone may or may not get punched, the song Only Us (if you thought I forgot, I didn't), and a lot of other little things like extremely mean high schoolers who bully a lot. And I only edited as I posted in favor of updating sooner, so please forgive me if there are some typos or any sentences don't actually make sense (it's almost midnight, and I'm typing furiously). EDIT: I went and fixed a lot of typos, so hopefully it's better!!
> 
> And thank you so much to all you lovely readers! I'm literally always in awe when people read and like anything I've written, so thank you! And I love hearing what you think by leaving kudos or subscribing or bookmarking or commenting, so please do so, if you feel so inclined! 
> 
> **TW/Tags:** Bullying/Harassment, Violence (light: shoving and punching), Sex  
> (if there's more or any I should add please tell me!)

Evan stays curled up next to his mom, finally done crying for what he hopes is the last time this night. He’s grateful his mom didn’t hate him after all the things he’d done. That she’d forgiven him and wanted to start over. That she actually did love him. Like Zoe, he wasn’t sure why or how his mom could love him, but he was just going to go with it, accept what she was offering and try to feel less paranoid about it. He could do it, especially if his mom put in the work to show him too. 

And it’d only been a couple minutes, but she was trying, and Evan could tell. And there’s a lot more he needs to clear up with his mom, but there’s one thing he’d been wanting to talk to her about, but never did. Jared. 

Jared was one of his biggest problems right now and had been for a long time. He was over just letting his mom think they were friends, and he hopes his mom tells Jared’s mom everything he’s done to Evan, but that was just Evan being vengeful and selfish. Jared had been making Evan’s life so much harder since they’d both started middle school. But his basic bullying wasn’t anything compared to what he’d just done. Evan doesn’t know how, but he just knows that Jared stole that note from Connor’s room the day they shot the video there. That he’s the one who showed Alana. That he was the one to change all the passwords, preventing Evan from taking it down. And Evan had no idea what to do or how to fix it, but maybe his mom would have something. 

“Mom, I, um, the other thing I have to tell you, is that Jared’s the one who posted the note, him and another girl. Jared and I aren’t friends and haven’t been for a long time, he just tells his mom we are. He’s mean and he makes fun of me and he’s made this year especially harder,” Evan confesses, looking up at Heidi, watching as her eyes widened in shock at what Evan was telling her. Jared’s mom was one of her best friends, she’d known Jared since he was a little boy. She had honestly thought they were friends, good friends even. And Heidi knows Evan isn’t lying. 

“I’m so sorry, Evan. Why didn’t you tell me sooner about this?” Heidi asks him gently, petting his hair down, and tightening her hug around him just a little bit. She hates that this was another thing she didn’t notice, didn’t see Evan struggling with. She’d just assumed and never asked deeper, and this was maybe something she could have helped with. 

“Jared told me not to and I thought if I did it would make everything worse. But I don’t really care about Jared’s usual stuff, Zoe’s helped a lot with that. It’s this letter Mom. He stole it from the Murphy’s and knowingly posted it. And you saw the things they were saying about Zoe, about her parents. It’s not okay, and I don’t know what to do, how to fix it,” Evan tells her, honestly not really caring about what Jared had done to _him_ , he cared more about that fact that people were coming after Zoe, who was innocent in everything. 

“I mean, I don’t know if I have an answer for you sweetie. I can talk to Jared’s mom tomorrow and see from there. And maybe we can get the school involved? For the bullying, towards you and Zoe? But I think all you can do for Zoe right now is just be there for her, which I know will be hard with her parents. But at school especially. If these kids are going to be just as mean in person as they are online, Zoe is going to need somebody to completely stand by her and that’s you. That’s your job bud,” Heidi tells him, knowing her answer wasn’t the best. But she didn’t know how to fix this either. There weren’t any parenting books that covered what to do when your son’s therapy assignment was mistaken as a suicide note and was posted to the internet. Nothing could have prepared her for this. 

“That was already part of our plan. Me and Zoe, we’re um, we’re always going to be there for each other,” Evan says, nodding in agreement about his mom’s other suggestions, but mostly staring off and remembering his and Zoe’s conversation from earlier. She loved him and he loved her. He was prepared to do anything to help her through this, regardless of what her parents thought about him for the moment. Nothing really mattered to him anymore except Zoe anyway. 

“Well, that’s good. And speaking of Zoe, why don’t we talk about something a little more, um, positive. Why don’t you tell me more about her? I want to know everything,” Heidi says, clearly trying to steer their conversation away from topics that would continually stress Evan out because they didn’t have answers. She couldn’t help him with the Connor Project fiasco, but she could remedy the idea of her disliking Zoe. She didn’t, but she could see how Evan could think that after the failed attempt at dinner. She wanted to start over, and she has a sneaking suspicion that talking about Zoe would drastically change Evan’s mood. 

“Zoe’s incredible. She’s patient and understanding and the nicest person I’ve ever met. She’s so talented; she plays four different instruments and writes her own songs and music,” Evan says, his tone getting lighter and happier as he talked about Zoe. 

“I do think I remember her talking about a concert, are you guys going to one or something?” Heidi asks, vaguely recalling Zoe saying something like that, but she’d been too angry at the time to really focus on or listen to anything Zoe had said. 

“No, she’s performing in the jazz band’s fall concert. She has a guitar and a piano solo, and two duets and she’ll be playing in the full ensemble too. We’re really excited about it, well we were. I hope none of this stuff ruins her music, it’s so important to Zoe,” Evan says sadly, realizing that this stupid, hurtful thing that Jared and Alana had done would have lasting consequences, even if it “blew over”. And he hates that. They’d taken so much from Zoe, and he can’t bear to see one of her loves taken away too. 

And Heidi sees the shift in Evan’s face, recognizing that the concert and things involving school were maybe not the best things to talk about right now, that they could lead to more despair for Evan, and she was trying to help him see past that right now. 

“I guess we’ll see, but either way it doesn’t take away her talent or hard work. It’ll be okay Evan. But tell me more. Tell me what you guys do and other things. Tell me why you love her,” Heidi says kindly, watching as Evan’s face perks up a little and a rosy blush starts to emerge. Evan can’t believe his mom was acknowledging that the way he felt about Zoe was real. She’d been so critical of it a few days ago, but now she seemed like she wanted to believe Evan, to make him happy. And it’s nice, really nice. 

“She understands me. I’ve never lied to her and I never feel like I need to. She doesn’t see my anxiety as a bad part of me, just another part like any of them. She’s sensitive and intuitive towards my feelings. She makes me feel happy and light, like when we’re together, it’s just us and I can forget about everything else, quit worrying about everything that might go wrong and just be,” Evan says, not even looking up at Heidi anymore, getting lost in his own head thinking about Zoe and everything she meant to him. Heidi’s just smiling at him, nodding her head, absent mindedly still petting his hair down, letting him continue to tell her everything about this girl who had somehow stumbled into her son’s life.

“And then there’s the little things that I love. The way her eyes light up when she finds there’s gummies in her lunch. Or the way she casually doodles all over all of her stuff. The way she smiles when she performs, like she’s telling you a secret. She crinkles her nose when she’s trying to focus and it’s adorable. Her freckles look like little constellations and are so pretty,” Evan tells her a little dreamily, which makes Heidi smile even wider. Lovesick Evan was very cute to her, a side she’d never seen before, one she had thought she might never see with Evan. But she truly is happy for him, she loved that her little boy was in love. 

“She listens to me when I talk about trees and she likes to go hiking with me. We spend a lot of time at Ellison together. Mostly she just likes me for me and nothing else, which is more than I ever thought was possible. Zoe’s unbelievable,” Evan continues, cheering himself up by just talking and thinking about Zoe, enjoying that his mom was just listening, actually listening to him. Paying attention to the things he said and that’s all he’s ever really wanted from his mom, to care, even just a little bit. 

And their night continues on like that, Evan gushing about Zoe and Heidi asking him more and more about her, about some other things in Evan’s life, things she’d been too busy to see before now. Talking and being open with his mom actually makes Evan feel a lot better about everything, even if he didn’t have a plan on how to fix everything just yet. The existential dread he had walking through the door was gone, which was good, even if he was still overly worried about Zoe. He wouldn’t be okay if anything happened to her tonight. But maybe it would be okay. He really hopes it’ll be okay. 

At some point Heidi puts on a movie and makes some popcorn, keeping Evan snuggled into her side for the rest of the night. It makes her reconsider all the time she spent away from him, knowing that a little more love and attention was all Evan needed to feel just a tiny bit better, hating that she hadn’t been giving him that. Evan falls asleep on her lap about 30 minutes into the movie, and she understands. He looked exhausted and she was sure he felt even more exhausted than that. And she lets him sleep, finishing out the movie, even though she had homework to do, knowing that if she got up, it would wake Evan, and right now, more than anything he deserved to rest. 

==

When Evan wakes up, he’s in his own bed, which he doesn’t remember getting to last night, he only remembers falling asleep during the movie with his mom. And despite feeling his face and knowing it was all puffy from crying yesterday, he feels okay-ish. A much better outlook than he had yesterday, and all he needs is confirmation that Zoe was okay. He hates that he can’t call her or her parents even, just to check in. He had to wait until Zoe either did or didn’t pull into his driveway. And the anticipation was driving him insane, and he’d only been up for five minutes. 

But he wants to be ready early, just in case Zoe came early, so he gets up and actually gets ready for school. And when he walks into the kitchen, he finds his mom is still here and making breakfast. It was just toast, but Evan’s glad she was here and was continuing to try to be around more for him. It makes him feel a little lighter and better about what they talked about yesterday, that she meant what she said.

“Hey Evan, did you sleep okay? You were pretty out of it when I helped you to your room last night,” Heidi laughs a little, trying to keep Evan’s morning a little more upbeat, knowing what he was going to have to deal with at school later. 

“Yeah, um, surprisingly. I don’t usually sleep well after that much stuff happens,” Evan tells her quietly, taking a piece of toast even though he wasn’t that hungry. He never felt hungry when he was super anxious, but his mom was trying, so he would too. 

“Well, that’s better than not I suppose. And honey, I do have to go to work now, but I’ll be home tonight, I promise. I just wanted to see you this morning and tell you I love you,” Heidi says apologetically, kissing the side of Evan’s head. She hopes that he knows that she means it. 

“Thanks Mom, I’ll be home too. I promise,” Evan tells her giving her a side hug, but it’s not like he has anywhere else he could go. He knows he can’t be back at the Murphy’s, not for a long time at least. But maybe Zoe could spend more time here? They hadn’t ever really spent time at his house since that very first night. He always wanted to be at hers, but now maybe his was an option too? He didn’t have a guest room or anything so she might not be able to spend the night. But maybe she could? They’d slept in the same bed before; they could move that to an always type of thing. Evan wouldn’t mind that. 

Evan doesn’t realize that his mom has let go of him and started packing her bag up because he’d been too busy thinking about Zoe spending the night here, with him. And he knows him and his mom are starting over with no lying, but he doesn’t necessarily know if his mom needs to know about anything like that between him and Zoe. 

Heidi walks back over to him with her bag, giving him one more hug telling him, “Good luck at school today bud, you and Zoe both.” 

“We’ll try. Have a good day at work. I’ll see you tonight,” Evan tells her, letting go of her and waving at her while she leaves. He thinks this could be a good way to start his day all the time. See his mom and daydream about Zoe, a perfect way to start the day. 

Evan quickly finishes his toast and puts his plate in the dishwasher, grabbing his own bag before heading out the door to wait in his driveway for Zoe. He wants to check his phone while he waits, but he knows the onslaught that is ahead of him, and just can’t risk working himself up further. Until he saw Jared and Alana there wasn’t anything he could do about the online stuff. He had to wait it out, even if he hated it more than anything. 

It feels like it’s taking forever for Zoe to get here and it’s starting to worry him. What if something terrible had happened last night? What if someone actually had broken into their house and hurt Zoe? What if something else happened that scared Larry and Cynthia enough to not let Zoe go to school today? What if yesterday truly was the last time he ever got to see Zoe? He couldn’t handle that all. 

And he’s about 15 seconds from just walking to the Murphy’s, knowing fully well that they had told them he wasn’t welcome there anymore (if he walked by he could just maybe see if Zoe’s car was there or not, get some idea of where she was), when he finally sees Zoe’s little yellow car come into view. And a huge wave of relief washes over him. Zoe was at least okay enough to drive and to attend school. That was a good sign. 

Evan practically jumps inside her car, not even waiting until she was fully stopped to open the door, scrambling inside, and pulling Zoe immediately into a hug. And he feels her relax against him and he knows he’s probably doing the same. Just her presence was enough to ease the majority of his tension, and he’s glad his presence was doing that for her.

Finally they break apart from their tight embrace and Evan can’t help but kiss Zoe’s forehead lovingly, thankful she was there, as they settle back into their seats. Evan knows she’s okay enough to drive but he quickly scans her up and down, trying to double check that she was actually physically okay, that nothing had happened last night to her by the hands of her parents or any raving people on the internet. And he’s glad that Zoe just looks tired. Well, not glad, he hates that this was happening to her, but relieved that tired was all she was. 

But visual confirmation is not enough for Evan, so he gently takes Zoe’s hand, lacing their fingers together, asking her, “This is quite possibly the dumbest question, but are you okay Zo? How was everything last night? I hated that I couldn’t text you, couldn’t be there with you.” 

“It’s not dumb Ev. I’m mostly okay. I got home right as my parents were trying to check on me, so they never knew I left yesterday, which is good, but my dad took away my laptop too. But besides that, nothing else too crazy happened. A lot of people just like throwing eggs at our house or like ringing the doorbell, stupid fucking pranks that kept us up, but nothing terrible,” Zoe says shaking her head like she wanted to forget it all, squeezing Evan’s hand before setting their clasped hands in her lap, using her other hand to draw little patterns on his forearm. 

“I’m sorry Zoe. I wish I could’ve done something, anything to make it better. But maybe school will be okay? I’m glad your parents let you come to school, but I know that’s selfish of me,” Evan tells her, moving his thumb back and forth over her hand while she continued to distractedly play with his forearm. 

“I mean they really didn’t want me to, and truthfully I don’t want to all that much either, but I had to see you, and this was the only way, so it’s okay. How was your night with your mom Ev?” Zoe asks, hoping that maybe Evan had something better to report than she did. 

“It was good actually; things are better with my mom. She promised to be around more, and she wants to meet you for real. She was really sorry about the dinner thing and how she was then. But she let me talk her ear off about you and how amazing you are, and she really can’t wait to meet you again. But I really only care about how you’re doing Zo. I’m glad you’re okay, that’s what’s important, and I’m sorry people were like that. That the only thing you could say was ‘at least it wasn’t worse’. We’re going to fix this mess. Me and you. Together,” Evan tells her, looking over at her and meeting her gaze so she knew he was being serious. He’d do anything it took to fix this mess he’d created. But step one was always and would always be, make sure Zoe is okay. 

“Thanks Evan, I know we will. And I’m glad you’re okay, that’s important too,” Zoe says, trying to stress that Evan’s wellbeing, mentally and physically, was important too. She loved how much he cared about her, enough to completely disregard himself, but she needed Evan to be okay. That was the only way she’d ever be completely okay too. 

“But it’s not nearly as important as you,” Evan tells her, pulling her closer to him and kissing her soundly. And Zoe eagerly kisses him back, stopping her ministrations on his arm to move her hand to his hair, raking gently by the nape of his neck. And Evan knows it hasn’t even been a full day since he last kissed her, but it feels like it’s been forever and he’s enjoying the feeling of Zoe being so close and playing with his hair. He loved when she did that. And he wants to pull her closer, drag her completely to his lap and continue like this for the whole morning, but her dumb console (which was always blocking them) was a stark reminder that they couldn’t, jutting out between them, keeping them further apart than either would like. Evan swears if he ever gets a car, it’s not going to have a god damn console keeping them apart. 

When they finally break apart, breathless and flushed, Evan leans his forehead against hers and whispers, “I love you Zoe Murphy.” 

And that gets a smile out of Zoe, a proper good-natured smile. She thinks she always might just instantly feel better anytime Evan tell her he loves her. She wasn’t ever going to get tired of hearing it. And based off the rising blush on Evan’s face when she whispers back, “I love you too, Evan Hansen,” she doesn’t think she’ll ever get tired of saying it to him either. 

Zoe glances at the clock when they break away for the second time, and knows they have to drive to school, so she sighs deeply and moves her hand back to the gear shift, pulling out of Evan’s driveway. Evan takes her hand again and presses a tiny kiss to the back of it, keeping them laced the whole drive to school, never letting go of her. They were in this together for the long haul and he needed to absolutely make sure that Zoe knew that. 

When Zoe pulls into a parking spot, Evan can tell she’s super nervous, dawdling and fiddling around with things around her instead of getting out of the car. And Evan understands. Her car was safe, with both of them there and protected from any students or teachers or technology or anything that might hurt them today. He felt like this everyday before he met Zoe, never wanting to leave the safety of his room to face the dangers of school. 

“Hey Zo,” Evan starts, waiting for her to turn and look at him before continuing, “Whatever happens today, I’ll be there. Even if I have to stay in the hallway outside of all your classes. You’re not alone today, not ever.” 

Zoe squeezes his hand, thankful he was there for her, but it was scary to think he might have to do that, so she tells him with a strained voice, “I hope it doesn’t come to that Ev.” 

“Me too. But just in case it does, I’ll be there,” Evan tells her, kissing her cheek softly before adding, “And I can at least hustle and walk you from class to class.” 

“Okay,” Zoe says quietly, looking down at her lap, and Evan wishes there was more he could do to make her feel safe, but he knows there’s not much either of them could do. Everything depended on how compassionate the kids they went to school with were. And based on Evan’s experience, they weren’t. 

So instead, he just kisses her one more time, hoping that it’d instill enough love, giving Zoe the courage to get out of the car. When they break apart, Zoe gives him a tiny nod and he knows she’s ready to get out, so he goes first and walks around to her door opening it for her. And when Zoe’s fully out of the car, Evan immediately wraps his arm around her shoulder instead of just holding her hand. He feels Zoe’s arm loop around his waist, and he thinks this was much better. He wanted to keep her closer than what holding hands could offer. And the way Zoe was griping his side and pulling him even tighter to her, he thinks Zoe wants to stay as close to him as possible too. 

As they walk in closer to the main building, nothing is too bad, mostly just people staring at them, Zoe in particular. But if this was all it was going to be, _stares and whispers_ , they could handle that. They mostly did that every day, people were almost always staring at them, ever since Connor died. 

But Evan should have known not to get his hopes up, because the minute they walk through the door, the yelling begins, loud enough that Evan can’t really tell exactly who was saying what.

_“How does it feel knowing you’re the reason Connor killed himself?”_

_“All my hope is pinned on Zoe, what a bitch!”_

Zoe just holds on to Evan tighter, forcing herself to keep walking towards her locker. And Evan pulls her in tighter too and that’s a little more comforting. All she had to do was ignore it all. None of it was true and people didn’t know what they were talking about. She had to focus on that. 

_“Can you believe she’s even at school?”_

_“Nobody wants you here Zoe!”_

_“Zoe Murphy killed her bother. Zoe killed Connor!”_

Evan is doing his best to glare at every single person watching them walk to Zoe’s locker, but trying to ignore them because Zoe was ignoring them. And he doesn’t really want to act out, knowing it could possibly make it worse. And he knew that Zoe was especially sensitive to outbursts after everything she’d been through with Connor, so he never wanted her to think that he’d lose control and do something to her. They had a trust in each other there and he never wanted to break that. 

Finally, they get to Zoe’s locker and Evan moves his arm off her shoulder, giving her a little space to get her stuff, but still hovering close to her protectively, watching as people continued to stare at her. And no one was saying anything about him or to him, focusing all their wrath onto Zoe and Evan wishes they would turn on him at this point. At least if they were yelling at him it might draw some attention away from Zoe. 

And out of nowhere, he hears Zoe yelp, not in pain but shock, and he turns and finds some student who had tried to grab her elbow, and reflexively, without thinking about it at all, Evan shoves the kid away from Zoe and yells, “Don’t fucking touch her or even say anything to her. Leave right now.” 

And he knows not even two minutes ago he promised himself he wouldn’t do something like this, but that was before someone tried to grab her and he absolutely wasn’t going to let some random boy touch Zoe. Absolutely not. He was defending her, so the shoving was justified, right? 

“Your girlfriend’s a whore Hansen,” the boy says, starting to walk away from them, but not before Evan yells at him again, “Fuck off and leave us alone.” 

Evan turns back to Zoe whose eyes were wide and she was just staring at her elbow, where that kid had tried to grab her, surprised that anyone would actually try to do something, and Evan hates it. He gently tucks Zoe’s hair behind her ear, getting her attention before trailing his hand down to hers, lacing them together, telling her, “Hey Zoe, I’m sorry I yelled. But maybe, um, do you just want to leave? We can just not be at school today if you want?” 

“Um, no, I’m okay. I was just surprised that someone tried that. And don’t worry about it Ev, if there’s a next time, I can do the yelling. And the things people are saying are any different from what they were writing online,” Zoe says quietly, and Evan knows she’s upset but trying to be strong for herself. To show herself that it didn’t matter what other people thought, something that she’d always prided herself on. She’d told Evan that once, and then proudly walked the halls holding his hand. But those weren’t the same things and Evan hated that Zoe felt so uncertain right now. 

“Maybe, but that doesn’t mean it’s okay. And you’re not any of those things Zoe Murphy. You’re kind and generous and sympathetic. You astound me everyday with the light and love you bring everywhere with you,” Evan tells her, kissing her cheek softly, hoping that she knew he was telling the truth. 

“Thanks Ev,” Zoe says quietly, looking down at the ground, blinking back tears before they could fall. Zoe steps in closer to him and drops his hand in order to wrap both hers around his waist in a tight hug, laying her head against his chest. 

Evan returns her hug and keeps her held tightly to him until she starts to pull away, telling him, “And, um, let’s just see how first period goes okay? I don’t really want the school calling my parents about an absence.” 

“Okay, if that’s what you want Zo,” Evan says kindly and not at all condescendingly, lacing his hand with hers once more. He knew she was capable of making her own decisions and it wasn’t his place to make them for her. All he could do was support the ones she made and try to understand. So that’s what he was going to do. 

Thankfully, the bell rings and they start walking to Zoe’s first period classroom together. Kids all around them are continuing to try to taunt Zoe, but Evan resumes his glares and just squeezes Zoe’s hand reassuringly. And no one else tries to touch her or reach out towards her, which is good? How had they gotten to the point where people only _verbally_ harassing her was their best option? Maybe once she was in the classroom and a teacher was around, kids would leave her alone. Evan could only hope though.

He hates that he has to leave her, but Zoe squeezes his hand, silently telling him it was okay, so he kisses her cheek one more time and whispers to her, “I’ll be back as soon as the bell rings. You can do this Zo.” 

Zoe nods her head, takes a deep breath and lets their hands fall apart, walking into her classroom, looking back one more time to Evan. Evan does his best to smile at her, but he’s not sure it translates. All he can do is wave to her and hope that nothing too terrible happens when he wasn’t around to support her. And he thinks maybe she had one of her band friends in this class with her, so maybe that would help. As long as they weren’t on the ‘attack Zoe Murphy’ train. He really wants them to just be nice to her. Actually, just leave her alone. That’s what he really wants.

Evan hustles to his own classroom, walking in and sitting in the front row, closest to the door, something he’d never ever done before. But if it meant he could leave early and run back to Zoe’s class, then he’d do it. And so far, no one had really said anything to him, maybe it was his constant grimace. Or maybe someone saw him push that other student. Or maybe people saw he was clearly standing by Zoe and only want to mess with her. 

It only takes about forty-five seconds for Evan to be proven wrong once again, because the girl sitting next to him says to him, “You know Evan, you should really break up with Zoe. Like why are you even still with her after what she did?” 

Evan just rolls his eyes and turns away from her, not giving her the satisfaction of a response. But the jeering and mocking doesn’t end with her. The whole period students were walking by him or throwing notes at him saying things like, “Do you really think Connor would be okay with you dating his piece of shit little sister?” or “Evan you could totally do better than her”. 

And by the end of class Evan is so fed up with everything, he’s on the verge of freaking out and yelling at everyone in his classroom to just stop. To leave him and Zoe alone and just move on with their sad pathetic lives. And he’s pretty sure if they’d just been taunting him, not saying anything about Zoe or Connor, he probably would have already spiraled into another panic attack. But they were coming for Zoe through him and it was making him angry, not panicked. And his anger was driving his absolute focus on getting back to Zoe as quickly as possible. If he blew up at them and got held back in class or couldn’t get out of the classroom fast enough, then he wouldn’t be able to meet Zoe and he’d promised her he’d be there. And his promise to her was more important than any dumb student in his class taking advantage of the latest “scandal”. 

As soon as the bell rings, Evan is out of his seat, running to the door and running back to Zoe’s classroom, not at all caring that he looked a little crazy running as fast as he was through the hallways. And Evan probably gets to her room thirty seconds after the bell rings, when most classes hadn’t even let out yet, and still it’s too late. 

Evan watches as two girls push Zoe (who looked like she was also trying to leave early) to the wall and knock her books and notebooks out of her hands before walking away laughing. Zoe looks like she’s about to start crying, kneeling down to pick up all her things. And to make things worse someone else comes up behind her and kicks what Evan knows is her music notebook (for songs and melodies) away from her. But they unknowingly kick it right to Evan, who picks it and runs even faster to Zoe. He crouches down to help her grab all her things and gently sets his arm around her. 

He can hear her sniffling and Evan knows Zoe better than anyone and he knows she’s trying her absolute hardest to not break down right in the hallway. To give every student more things to talk about her. When they stand back up, all of Zoe’s things picked up and shared between them, Zoe immediately turns in to Evan, wrapping her free arm around his back. 

“I changed my mind Evan. Can we please leave?” Zoe says, her voice thick, still trying to hold back tears. Evan just nods, wrapping his other arm around her too, leading them both towards the exit. He just knows something horrible happened to her during class, something more horrible than everything that had already happened and he wants to ask so many questions, to comfort her and assure her, but he knows it’s not the time. They just need to leave and not worry about anything else but that. 

Once they get through the front doors, its almost like they can breathe again, so much closer to escaping the nightmare that was the last hour. And they’re almost to the outer gate, the one that leads to the parking lot, when they see Jared and Alana coming into school, probably using some Connor Project related excuse to miss first period. They look happy and pleased with themselves, oblivious to all the pain and chaos they caused in the last two days. And it infuriates Evan. He’s never felt more irate in his life than in this second, watching them laugh and chat, while he had to escort Zoe, on the brink of a complete breakdown, to her car to leave. How dare they act like they’ve done a good thing. They had conspired together and hurt the one person Evan loved and he simply won’t stand for it. 

And it’s like he can’t control himself, he has no plan other than to yell at them, so he lets go of Zoe, making sure she was still behind him, shielding her, and races up to them, shoving Jared hard. And he wants to calm himself down, to not act like this in front of Zoe, but he can’t stop as he yells at both of them, “I hope you’re really fucking happy with yourselves. Stealing someone’s suicide note and encouraging hundreds of thousands of people to harass Zoe and her parents. A real class act, you two.” 

And both of them look equal parts shocked and angry at Evan for yelling at them, and Alana opens her mouth to start defending herself and presumably Jared, but Evan cuts her off, no longer yelling but voice still loud and furious, “People were sending her death threats, telling her to kill herself too. To break into her house and hurt her. How does that make you feel, knowing you’re responsible for that? Really part of the ‘community’, huh? You took a space that was supposed to help people, to make them feel not so alone and anti-bullying and turned it into the exact opposite. You let those people hurt Zoe and her parents.” 

“We didn’t do that. The followers needed to see the real Connor, and we gave them that. We’re not responsible for how people acted after that,” Alana says nastily, getting worked up in the same way that Evan was, justifying her and Jared’s actions as if they were still in the right. 

“How fucking entitled can you be Alana? You don’t get to decide things on Connor’s behalf, without asking his family. You weren’t friends, you meant nothing to Connor and this desperate act you have going on, trying to show that you did is pathetic. And you obviously saw what was happening online. You were live tweeting donations. You saw it all and didn’t do anything to stop it, and purposely kept me from stopping it by changing the passwords. And for what? The money? The notoriety? To have the most ambitious Kickstarter in history?” Evan yells at them, and he knows he’s being harsh, and it probably wasn’t the best tactic to make them comply. But how could they stand there and pretend like what they did was okay? 

And he’s so angry at the both of them, and he can’t reign himself in. He can’t stop the flood gates that had already opened. And he feels like most of the anger is because of what they did to Zoe, but some of it is also from what they did to him. How they’d made him feel through this whole Connor Project fiasco. And he knows it’s not okay, but he wants them to feel just as shitty as he and Zoe did. 

“Don’t talk to her like that,” Jared says, finally speaking up and taking a step closer to Evan. And maybe Evan shouldn’t be yelling at them, but he was saying things he knew were true and he wasn’t going to let Jared stop him from continuing. 

From nowhere, he feels Zoe’s hand slip into his, but he knows she’s still mostly behind him, keeping her distance from Alana and Jared. And the tiny squeeze she gives him makes him calm down a little, a reminder that this wasn’t him. He wasn’t like Connor and he wasn’t like Jared or Alana. He could stand up for himself and Zoe without losing himself.

So Evan just ignores Jared’s comment and in a much calmer, but eerily scary voice he tells them, “You’re going to take down that note and everything single other thing. And then you’re going to issue a formal apology to the Murphy family.” 

He had never really thought through a plan of how to handle Jared and Alana even though it was the thing he’d promised Zoe he’d fix. She had her parents and he had Jared and Alana. But he thinks that at the very least a public apology was necessary. Then maybe some of the harassment would stop. 

“We don’t have to do anything you say Evan,” Jared responds arrogantly, crossing his arms over his chest, seemingly taking over for Alana in defending them and their actions. 

“Yeah you’re fucking going to or else I’ll tell everyone you faked that note for the donations. A last-minute scramble to meet your ridiculous fundraising goal,” Evan tells them, voice still calm, but incredibly serious. He’d never thought about just telling everyone that Connor didn’t write that note, but he could, and he didn’t have to say that he’d written it, just that Connor hadn’t. 

“No one would believe you, even if you had enough balls to post something that wasn’t about a stupid tree,” Jared says, rolling his eyes and looking over to Alana to see what she thought. Alana looks a lot more worried about Evan’s threats than Jared does. And Evan thinks he may have figured out how to make Alana take him seriously. 

Alana wants people to like her, to connect with her. People would never do that if they thought she was a liar and a cheat. Even if only a few people believed Evan over them, those few people might think about Alana differently and she didn’t want that. Alana was similar to Evan (before he’d met Zoe) in the sense that she didn’t have any real friends or real connections and he kind of thinks her desperation through this whole mess was an attempt to fix that. An attempt that she failed at. And he can’t blame her for tying to reach out to people, but he can blame her for the harm she’s caused. And Jared too. 

“You really think people are going to believe you two over me? Two people who don’t know a single goddamn thing about him or his family over his best friend? The person closest to his family? And it is fake, by the way. Connor didn’t write that note,” Evan tells them, and he can feel Zoe squeeze his hand alarmingly and he knows she thinks that he’s going to tell them he wrote it, but he’s not. They don’t need to know that. And he’s pretty sure Alana even having some semblance of doubt that it wasn’t real would convince her to take it down. Evan squeezes her hand reassuringly, hoping that she trusted him right now to handle this. He didn’t completely trust himself, but he was doing something and that was better than doing nothing and letting Jared and Alana think they’d been innocent in all this. 

“You’re lying Evan. Of course Connor wrote it,” Jared says, but even his voice was faltering from his haughty tone. And it’s because Evan knows he’s right. What was worse than posting someone’s suicide note? Posting a fake one. And Jared and Alana are starting to understand Evan was right too. 

“This time I’m actually not, and Mr. and Mrs. Murphy know that too, so if you don’t want to be known as the kids who lied about Connor Murphy’s suicide note for money, the ones who betrayed an entire family for Instagram likes, the ones on every news outlet talking about how two teens scammed $50,000 from people, then you’re going to apologize. And that’s just for starters. Be lucky they’re not going to press charges against you,” Evan says, truly calming down a bit, knowing that he might have finally gotten through to at least Alana and she could convince Jared from there. His thrown together plan was clearly blackmailing them, but it was working so Evan was going to go with it. They obviously weren’t going to do what Evan needed by asking nicely. 

“Evan, come on, let’s go. I don’t want to spend more time around _them_ ,” Zoe says, finally stepping out from behind Evan and taking her place by his side. She hadn’t been hiding before now, just was letting Evan take the lead. He dealt with them more often and she knew he wanted to feel like he was fixing something. And she honestly thought he did a good job, if you could even define what just happened in terms like that. She can tell, same as Evan, that Alana was probably going to do what they’d asked. If not for remorse, at least to save her own reputation and Zoe didn’t care, as long as it happened. 

“Zoe, we didn’t know this would happen,” Alana tries to tell her apologetically, her and Jared realizing for the first time that Zoe was there and had been the whole time. 

“Don’t ever fucking talk to me again. You did this to me, everything that has happened is your fault. And Evan’s right, if you don’t want my parents pressing charges for fraud, defamation, slander, harassment, or any of the other things you’ve done, you’ll take down the letter and never talk to me or Evan again,” Zoe says voice strong and angry, just as scary as Evan had been a moment ago. Evan’s extremely proud of her for standing up for herself, not that he at all thought she couldn’t, but it’d been a day and he’s glad that Zoe hasn’t let it break her. If their positions had been switched, Evan knew for sure he wouldn’t be able to do the same as Zoe. 

And Alana looks like she wants to say something, maybe actually apologize, but like Evan earlier, Zoe cuts her, continuing her rant, “The Connor Project is over and I swear if this isn’t over by Monday and I can’t go back to normal school, which I’d like to add was never normal, because oh that’s right, my brother is dead, then you better be worried. And you two didn’t know anything about my brother. Jared you bullied him incessantly up until the day he killed himself. And Alana you probably couldn’t form a real connection with a rock, let alone with Connor, so stop acting like you did. You guys get no say in what happens next and yeah, I really do hope you’re fucking happy with yourselves.” 

Alana looks like she might start crying, which Evan does feel a little bit bad for, he never intended confronting them like this. But they had to be told off, shown that their actions had repercussions, real ones to real people. And Evan doesn’t feel bad at all for putting Zoe before anything else. He wasn’t going to allow the way people had been treating her today to continue. He just wasn’t, no matter how he had to do it.

Evan and Zoe turn slightly away from them, intending to walk out to the parking lot, their original destination, when Evan feels someone pull him back and he just knows it’s Jared. When Evan turns around to face him, he’s taken by surprise by Jared lunging towards him, attempting to punch him, for what, Evan doesn’t know. But Evan’s athletic enough to move out of the way quickly, dodging Jared’s throw and like a reflex, Evan punches him back, hitting him square in the face. Jared groans in pain and backs up away from Evan, holding his face. Even though he wanted to leave, Evan would stay and try to help Jared, because he honestly never meant to punch him. He hated that he did it, that he did something violent, even in self-defense. Pushing a kid earlier, he could forgive himself for that, but punching Jared? Those were two completely different things. 

Evan takes a step closer to him, intending to check to see if he was okay and Jared just flips him off. And then Evan remembers that Jared wasn’t his responsibility. Jared had defended his actions when he knew they resulted in hurting Zoe and Evan can’t really see past that. Jared might not have deserved to be punched, but Evan doesn’t care that much that it happened. It was probably a long time coming, so Evan turns away from him and back to Zoe’s side as she tells him, “Let’s go Evan.” 

Evan lets Zoe lead them to her car, immediately feeling guilty after not caring that he’d punched Jared. He hadn’t thought about how Zoe would feel in the moment, watching him act out like that and he’d promised himself he wouldn’t do it, yet he’d acted on impulse twice today and he never wants her to think that he’d ever, _ever_ act like that to _her_. 

They get in her car quietly and are just sitting there. Zoe doesn’t look like she’s going to cry anymore, but Evan doesn’t think that’s a good thing. He hates everything she’s had to endure today and it wasn’t even 10 in the morning. 

“I’m so sorry I lost it like that Zoe. I didn’t even mean to hit him, it just kind of happened and that’s not me. But it felt kind of like, I don’t know, like I was protecting you, not that you can’t protect yourself, but I don’t know. I saw them and I got so mad. And I don’t want you to think that I’d ever be that way to you, out of control like that,” Evan says softly, looking down at his lap, all his feelings shifting over to shame that he could of hurt Zoe and that he wasn’t feeling bad at all what just transpired with Alana and Jared. 

“No, Ev, I know,” Zoe starts, taking his hand as he turns to face her, continuing, “We’ve been through a lot yesterday and today and they were the root cause of it. They’re the reason people are being like this to me. And I mean I got angry too.” 

“But you didn’t punch someone or push anybody,” Evan tells her, starting to move his thumb back and forth over her hand, unsure for whose benefit, his or hers. And he notices Zoe go quiet and look away from him and out the window. 

“I slapped a girl in first period,” Zoe says quietly, looking back to Evan, tears welling in her eyes once more. And Evan reaches out to her to hug her, pulling her in as close as he could. This must have been why she’d been so upset and why those two girls pushed her by the wall. But he understands, he really does. Zoe had been through so much, the thought of her hitting her limits makes total sense to him. 

“Zo, you can tell me about it if you want and I won’t judge you. I understand and I don’t love you any less because of anything,” Evan tells her softly, running his fingers through her hair comfortingly. 

“She just wouldn’t stop going on about Connor and how much he loved me and how it’s my fault he’s dead. And it wasn’t honestly any different from what everyone else was saying, but it was like the last straw. No one understands that that wasn’t Connor, they didn’t know him. I got so angry and I just slapped her across the face,” Zoe admits to him, setting her head against his shoulder, accepting the comfort he was offering. 

“And I know I shouldn’t have made it worse by lashing out. But what hurts the most is feeling so much like Connor when he was out of control and it scared me. It scared me that this girl probably felt like I did when Connor lashed out at me. That’s what scares me, Ev,” Zoe says, letting some of the tears she’d been holding back fall. 

“Hey, hey, hey, Zo it’s not your fault, it’s really not. And you’re not like Connor. You never provoked him or did anything to him. This girl was trying to make you upset, on purpose. You can only take so much. People make mistakes, I know I’ve made so many in the last two days. Letting yourself lose control after what you’ve been through, I think it’s pretty understandable and forgivable. I think you should forgive yourself,” Evan tells her, moving her head up and wiping away her tears. And he doesn’t think she should feel bad about what happened. Everyone had breaking points and they’d both reached theirs today. 

And he truly doesn’t think she’s anything like Connor, and maybe that isn’t fair because he didn’t know Connor, but he just knows the situations aren’t the same. And he doesn’t think any less of her or love her any less. 

“Okay, I will if you will, because I know you feel bad about everything that’s happened,” Zoe says, knowing that even if Evan thought it was okay for her to have hit someone, he still thought that he shouldn’t have freaked out in front of her. And it’s one of the things she loved most about him, how deeply Evan cared about her feelings and her wellbeing. 

“Okay, I think I can do that,” Evan tells her honestly, and he’s already starting to feel better. Probably because they were out of the horrible situation at school and back to his favorite situation, just him and Zoe. And he doesn’t want to leave her for the rest of the day, well forever if he could, but he’ll take today. 

“Hey Zo, do you just want to go back to my house? My mom won’t be home for a while and we can just be, and not think about any of this for at least a few hours,” Evan offers and he really thinks they both need a day of snuggles and movies and the privacy to just be them. 

“Okay, that sounds nice,” Zoe says lifting her head from his shoulder, and re-lacing their hands back together so she could drive. And she thinks that what Evan was offering was exactly what she needed right now. She just didn’t want to think about her brother, about the internet, or anything else that wasn’t her or Evan. She just wants to be with him and feel loved. 

The drive to Evan’s house is quiet but not tense and Evan thinks both of them just needed a moment to collect themselves before completely shifting gears and just focusing on each other and relaxing. 

When they get home, Evan leads Zoe to his room, kissing her forehead before walking to his dresser and pulling out two pair of sweatpants, seeing Zoe’s skinny jeans and knowing they weren’t going to be comfortable to lay around in. And if she was going to be cozy, he was too. 

He hands them to her and turns around, wanting to give her privacy to change, and changes into his own pair, tossing his jeans carelessly to the side. When he turns around back to Zoe, she’s rolling his sweatpants adorably, both tightening them and shortening them to fit her better, and based on the slight blush on her face Evan thinks she maybe didn’t turn around too and that makes him blush a little too. 

Zoe sees Evan’s light blush and just smiles at him, walking to up to him and taking his hand, leading them both to Evan’s bed. They crawl on top of the covers and lie down facing each other, and Evan gently sets his arm across her waist, letting his hand settle on her midback, and he tugs her closer. Zoe dips her hand under his shirt and softly trails her hand up and down his side, remembering how much he liked it last time they were alone curled up like this. 

Evan just smiles wider at her, leaning in to kiss her, letting his hand move slowly down to her hip, remembering that she liked it. And for Evan, it feels like nothing this morning happened, that nothing yesterday happened. It feels like it’s only them and he wants it to always be like this. 

When they break away from each other, Evan can just tell that Zoe is already feeling better, feeling the same way as him. And he’s overcome with just a strong wave of love for the girl in front of him that he can’t help but blurt out, “I love you so much Zoe.” 

Anything that Zoe was feeling before this exact moment is replaced with tiny flutters in her stomach and so much love for Evan, the one person who loved her unconditionally. And she has an idea of exactly what she wants to do to thoroughly forget everything from before. 

Zoe starts kissing him again, rolling herself on top of him and pushing Evan on to his back, setting her hands on his chest. She breaks their kiss for just a second, to make sure that Evan was okay with everything so far, and based on his eagerness to keep kissing her and his placement of both hands on her hips, Zoe thinks their positioning is just fine with him. 

Evan is loving Zoe’s choice of distraction, when they first got home, he was going to suggest a movie or something, but this was way better. And Zoe starts moving her kisses to his jaw and then down his neck, going slowly, waiting for Evan’s nod of approval (which he happily gives), and then she starts to suck softly on his pulse point. And Evan really likes it, but he wants to do something for her, so he gently squeezes her hips, asking the same way if it was okay for him to go a little further and he can feel Zoe nod against him, so he slips his hands under her shirt, letting them roam freely against her skin as Zoe trails her kisses back up to his mouth. 

Zoe shivers a little at the feeling of Evan’s hands on her back, tracing little patterns and moving slowly back and forth between her back, sides, and stomach. And Zoe really wants to know what it would feel like to feel his skin against her fully. She sits up a little and in what she hopes is a flirty way, trails her hands down to the hem of Evan’s shirt, fiddling with it until he understands what she’s asking for. 

“You can take it off if you want to Zo,” Evan tells her, his voice a little breathy in a way she’d never really heard before. And she really likes it. Zoe smiles at him, tugging his shirt up and over his head as he sat up, tossing it off the bed. Then she pushes Evan lightly to lay down again, letting her hands trail lightly over his body. 

The way Zoe was smiling at him, looking him up and down, paired with her feather-light little touches, was doing _things_ to him, good things. Things he never wanted to stop. And he surprisingly doesn’t feel self-conscious at all. Zoe loved him and he trusted her completely. He was in a safe place and he hopes she knows that too. Because he’d never pressure her, but he also wouldn’t mind if maybe they got rid of her shirt too. 

So he starts fidgeting with the hem of her shirt, the same way she’d done to him, asking her if it was okay if her shirt joined his on the ground. 

“Yes, please do Evan,” Zoe tells him, moving back just a little so he could sit up again, slowly peeling her shirt off. And Zoe hadn’t really known they’d be doing this instead of being at school, so it wasn’t like she had the cutest bra on or anything, but she’s pretty sure Evan doesn’t care. He looks a little dazed at the sight of her and because she feels comfortable and wants to see Evan’s face when she took it further, she reaches behind her back and unclasps her bra, adding it to the pile of clothes. 

And Evan’s reaction is totally worth it. He’s staring at her in the sweetest way possible, completely and utterly in awe of her and taking in this whole experience little by little. And the way Evan’s just a little speechless makes her feel good, tingly all over, and ready to feel his skin against hers. So Zoe lays back down against him, kissing him again, rolling her hips just a little in the process without really trying to. And Evan makes a wonderful little moaning noise, which leaves Zoe both blushing and wanting for him to make that sound again. It helps that she can feel that Evan was enjoying himself, made easier by their sweatpants, encouraging her to roll her hips again, this time on purpose. 

Evan makes the same sound again, but he pushes against Zoe’s shoulders slightly, signaling for her to stop for a moment. And for a second she’s worried that she’s done something he wasn’t okay with, but Evan keeps his hands on her, moving them to her ribs, thumbing gently on the underside of her boobs, and it’s reassuring that she hasn’t done something he was uncomfortable with, or else he wouldn’t be touching her. Right? 

“Hey, um, Zoe? Are you sure you want to keep going, that what we’re doing is okay? That um, today is the right time?” Evan asks her, unafraid that he was being presumptuous. At this point, they’d already talked a little bit about sex, and it seems like this was what this was turning in to, and he just wanted to make sure she was okay everything. Because he was okay if they kept going or didn’t. Either was honestly okay. 

“Yeah, I do. And I feel safe and loved and I think maybe we could make a new memory of today. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather forget the old one and make a new one where it’s just us and only us. One where the whole world, which really sucks right now, just disappeared. Are you okay with that? Can we maybe try that?” Zoe asks, watching Evan carefully. She’d be okay if he wanted to wait, she’d never pressure him like that, but she selfishly hopes he doesn’t want to wait, that he wants to keep going further. 

“Yeah we can. It’s just you and me. Us and only us. We’re the only two who matter, and I do want this with you Zoe, I do. I want everything to disappear until you’re the only one I still know how to see,” Evan says, agreeing with her completely. He can’t really think of anything better than completely letting the rest of the world fall away. To just be with her right here and in the moment, experiencing this very special thing for the first time together. 

Zoe kisses him again in response, happy that Evan felt the same way as her and she knows he’s not just agreeing with her, trying to sell himself on reasons why she should continue to want him. He wants this too and she’s excited for whatever comes next. When they break apart again, Zoe whispers to him, “It’s just you and me, and I love you.” 

Evan doesn’t think he’ll ever get tired of hearing Zoe tell him she loves him, and it encourages him to sit up a little and start placing little kisses all over Zoe, starting at her shoulder and slowly moving down. He finds he can’t kiss very far down her body in this position and he knows they were going to keep going, so Evan rolls them again, settling Zoe underneath him and resumes his trail of kisses, taking her little mewls as a good sign. 

“Is it okay if I…?” Evan asks, eyes flickering down to her boobs (which were hard to look away from and he'd been trying the whole time they'd been talking) and back up to her, still deciding it was better to check with her before he just did something. 

Zoe nods her head “yes” and lets her hands come up to Evan’s hair, raking her hands through it as he started to place kisses to each of her nipples before continuing to kiss down her body. Evan leaves his hands on her boobs, squeezing very gently, experimentally, and Zoe can’t really decide if she likes it or not, she thinks she maybe liked his soft kisses there better, but she definitely likes the direction his kisses were headed, so she encourages him to keep kissing there, moving his hands down back to her ribs and pressing her hips up to him slightly. 

And soon he starts to move his way up again with slow tortuous kisses, she takes it upon herself to move his hands again, this time to the waistband of her sweats, hinting to him that he should take them off. Evan takes her suggestion and slowly starts to slip his sweats off of her, using his same tactic of pressing soft slow kisses down her legs, switching sides as he went until they were all the way off, added to their discarded clothes pile. 

Zoe can’t really believe that she was laying in Evan’s bed, with only her panties on, about to have sex with him. She had thought about it even before they’d been dating officially or whatever, and it had always made her excited, the idea of sharing this with him, she can’t really think of a better way to show him that she loves him so much. And she just knows that Evan feels the same way. 

Evan makes his way back up to her faster, encouraged mostly by Zoe’s light tugging of his hair. She’s smiling at him and looks so happy, so different from the last days and Evan knows that Zoe had been right, this was the right time, and he was excited. 

Zoe moves her hands to the waistband of his sweats, dipping her hands underneath it and the waistband of his boxers, trailing his skin softly, but never going any lower, she didn’t want to push too fast or anything. But Evan thought they should be equal, so he pushes his own waistband down and can’t help but laugh a little as Zoe tries to push his sweats down with her feet, trying to speed up the process once she knew he was comfortable. He thinks it’s really adorable and just serves as another indication that she was okay and wanted this. Wanted him. 

“Hey Evan, do you have condoms?” Zoe asks, finally remembering that they would need those if they wanted to keep going. She was on birth control already, but she wanted to be safer than that and she knew Evan would agree with her. 

“Um, yeah, hold on,” Evan says getting off her and trying not think about how he immediately missed their bodies being pressed against each other as he walked over to his desk. They’d had like a career/health fair thing for seniors a couple weeks ago at school and Evan had taken a bag from pretty much every table and the Planned Parenthood bag contained many condoms. He's never been more thankful for a mandatory school function until now. 

Evan panics slightly at how many he should bring back to his bed. He didn’t want to bring like a handful and have Zoe think he wanted to have so much sex with her, but if he only brought one, what if broke or something while he was trying to put it on and getting up again totally ruined their mood? He doesn’t want to keep Zoe waiting (also for fear of killing their mood) so he quickly decides on two, one to use and one for back up. 

Evan thinks it’s safe to say the mood is not killed when he turns back to her because Zoe was smiling and sitting up on her elbows, clearly watching him and staring at him, particularly his boxers. It makes him blush and he quickly goes back to her, crawling on top of her again to kiss her softly. 

He can feel Zoe move her hands down and she starts pulling at her own panties, so Evan moves off her a little to help, laughing happily as she kicked them free from her ankle. He hopes it’s not too bold, and he does the same, taking off his own underwear, constantly looking at Zoe to make sure she was still okay with what was happening. And she’s looking at him in awe and it makes Evan feel really good, until he remembers what comes next. The actual sex part. 

He’s suddenly really nervous that he’s going to hurt her or that it’ll be really bad (even though it’d been very fun so far) and he pauses, sitting back. And it only takes Zoe a second to realize something has shifted in Evan and it prompts her to ask, “Evan, is everything okay?” 

“I um, I just got really nervous all of a sudden,” Evan tells her truthfully, and Zoe gently sets her hand on his cheek comfortingly and asks him softly, “Do you want to stop? We don’t have to keep going Ev.” 

“Um, I don’t think I want to stop. But I’m mostly worried that I’ll hurt you and like I’ve read some things and I know it’s different for girls and I want to be a good partner and make sure that it’s not just okay but actually good for you, that you’re having a good experience too, but I don't know that much,” Evan rambles on, and Zoe thinks it’s actually really endearing. 

She knows what he’s talking about when he’d said it was different for girls and she knows that most people say first times aren’t good, but she doesn’t think that’s true. She felt totally relaxed and safe and honestly very turned on. She knows that maybe it won’t be perfect, but she does want this and she thinks maybe that her lack of nerves makes a huge difference. 

“Ev, no matter what this will be a good experience for me. I don’t think you’re going to hurt me. We can go slow and explore things that we like. And I don’t know too much either, but I can show you some things that I know I do like and maybe you can do that for me? Because I only kinda know about the stuff that I have to work with, you know? But most of all I just want you to know that I trust you and I love you and I want this,” Zoe tells him truthfully, and she’d completely understand if Evan had changed his mind, working up to something and actually doing it were two totally different things. But if all he was worried about was her enjoying herself? Then that was already taken care of because she _was_ enjoying herself. 

“Okay, I trust you and I love you,” Evan tells her back, turning to kiss the palm of her hand that was still on his cheek, before leaning down to kiss her. He felt a lot better about everything if Zoe was sure that she’d be okay, that she was promising him that she was loving this too, that it wasn’t just him. 

Evan picks up one of the condoms and carefully opens it, trying to remember all the things they said in sex ed about how to use condoms correctly, making sure he didn’t mess this up. And he must have looked unsure or something because he feels Zoe put her hand over his, and both of them roll the condom on to him and for some reason it calms him down even more so, knowing that she was there to help him, that they were in this together. Which sounds dumb, because obviously they were in this together, but the small act of her touching his hand, just makes everything feel right. Like this was supposed to happen and it comforts him. 

Zoe moves her hand, trailing up his body and stops at his neck, gently playing with his hair as he positions himself between her legs. Before doing anything else, Evan kisses her cheek and whispers, “I love you,” again, and then kisses her cheek one more time and asks, “Are you ready?”

It makes Zoe’s heart melt a little bit, knowing that Evan loved her so, so much and was so conscientious of how she was feeling, in tune with her every step of the way. And she can feel the tip of him lightly grazing against her and she knows she’s ready, so she nods and kisses his cheek to match his kisses. 

Evan pushes into her slowly, and Zoe knows she’d been right to think it wasn’t going to hurt. The stretch of him inside her felt different for sure, a kind of pressure she wasn’t used to, but it didn’t hurt at all, and she could see when she got used to it how it could start to feel good. 

And she wants to keep encouraging Evan, let him know that she was okay, so she kisses him again, also hoping to distract herself until Evan didn’t feel so foreign and could start moving a little. It only takes a minute or two of kissing, before Zoe feels completely okay with Evan moving and honestly wants to see what it’s going to feel like, so she breaks their kiss, telling him, “You can move now Ev, I’m okay.” 

Evan nods at her and she thinks maybe his quietness was him focusing on not coming too early, because he looks like it feels good for him, especially as he starts to pull out a little and push back in again. He looks positively gorgeous and Zoe thinks knowing that he was having a good time was turning her on even more, making Evan’s thrusting feel even better. But Zoe wants more, so she moves her hands down his back settling them on his butt, pulling him in even further when he rocked into her, while using her own hips to tell him he could go faster. 

And she starts to feel a little tingly, like something was building inside of her, and she’s only felt like this a couple times before and she knows an orgasm is coming, she only needed a little more. So she takes Evan’s hand (which had been supporting him so some more of his weight settles on her, which she loves) and places it directly on her clit, telling him, “Touch me here Evan. It'll make me feel so good.” 

Evan has no idea exactly how to touch her, but he just goes with a simple back and forth motion and he can guess that Zoe likes it by her little mewls returning and he likes that it gives him a distraction from the feeling of Zoe warm and tight around him. She felt amazing and now he knows why so many people talked about sex the way they did. It was incredible and special, and he pretty much knows he only ever wants to do this with Zoe. And right now, he wanted to keep going as long as he could, prolong this experience for both of them, get lost in the feeling of being so connected with her.

But he was only seventeen and it was starting to feel too good, and he knew he was going to finish soon and so he tells her, “I’m so close, Zo. So close.” 

“Evan, me too, just keep doing that, maybe faster,” Zoe tells him, feeling Evan’s hand work a little harder at her clit, trying his best to do what she’d asked for. And she’s almost shocked when she comes before him, taking her by surprise, feeling herself flutter around him, keeping his length inside her until it’s over.

Evan comes immediately after her, unable to keep it together after feeling her pulsing around him, feeling fairly confident that that feeling was her finishing, and coupled with the blissed-out look on her face, he knows it. And the thought that he helped get her to that point is so sexy to him, and if this was their first time, then they were setting the bar pretty high. 

When Evan pulls out, Zoe kind of misses the feeling, but is comforted by the fact that she’d been right about everything. That her experience hadn’t just been good, it’d been amazing, and would probably only get better. It hadn’t hurt and Evan did exactly what she’d asked, and she just feels incredibly happy that this was both their first experiences with sex. That this was going to replace everything they felt this morning and last night. 

Evan does leave his bed to throw away the condom but comes back immediately and playfully pulls Zoe under the covers with him, snuggling into her, feeling relaxed and sleepy and so very much in love with Zoe. And the huge smile on her face and the way she snuggles back into him, basking in the moment, tells him Zoe feels the same way. And they don’t even have to talk about it, because they just _know_ and it’s the best feeling. 

Evan softly starts tracing little stars on Zoe’s arm, watching as her eyes start to droop, knowing that she was about to fall asleep and knowing that she deserved to rest without feeling scared like she had the night before. He kisses her cheek one more time as her eyes close fully and then he closes his own, letting them both drift off peacefully. 

When they wake up a few hours later, Zoe suggests a shower and they both get in. They don’t have sex again, but somehow it feels just as intimate, sharing that space together, washing off everything that had come before. And when they get out, they get dressed in the same sweats (since they honestly hadn't been wearing them very long) and Evan grabs Zoe a shirt from his mom's closet, one that'd actually fit her. Zoe lets Evan brush her hair out and braid it back, as she sips the tea he'd made both of them, enjoying the feeling of him taking care of her. And she honestly never wants to leave his side. 

At some point, Evan checks his phone, just to see if his mom knew he’d skipped school (she hadn’t texted him so probably not), but all he sees is a new Connor Project notification that says, 

_Dear friends and followers of the Connor Project,_

_I, Alana, on behalf of everyone involved yesterday with the publishing of Connor’s note, would like to sincerely apologize to Connor’s parents and his sister Zoe. The note was posted without permission and against the wishes of the entire Murphy family. For those of you accusing any of Connor’s family, please stop. The Connor Project page was intended for help against bullying and loneliness and will not be used for such purposes, particularly those inciting violence and hate. Connor was very much loved by his entire family and they were not responsible for his passing. Connor was a victim of mental illness and we are still striving to help anyone feeling like Connor did. The money raised will still be going to revive the Autumn Smile Apple Orchard in Connor’s memory, but that will be the last event planned by the Connor Project organization. Thank you._

_Alana Beck_

And Evan feels so much better about everything, hoping that this makes people see what they’ve done and how they’ve hurt the people he loves. Zoe seems relieved when he shows her too, hoping for the exact same thing as Evan. And they spend the rest of the afternoon doing just as Evan originally suggested, lounging around and watching movies. It feels normal and good and Zoe just wants this to be in her future. A lazy day with her boyfriend. No stress. No Connor. Nothing but her and Evan. Knowing that she’d have to go home eventually feels like she's leaving a part of her behind. And she knows she has to fix things with her parents, because having to part with Evan couldn't be a long term thing. She wouldn't be able to handle it. Her parents were their last hurdle until her and Evan could just be them and she wants that more than anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Evan and Zoe skipping school and coming home to have sex...realistic? Nah. Heartwarming and hopefully not cringe-y? Yes??? Also I think a lot of first-time sex with any new partner (irl not in stories) is kind of awkward and I decided to go a different route but still very first-time like and hopefully it wasn't terrible. If it was and you hated it, please tell me (I haven't written a lot of smut so I honestly don't ever really know). I hope you guys liked this chapter, even with its chaos! Next chapter will be fixing things with Larry and Cynthia, so stay tuned!!
> 
> P.S. Seriously let me know about the smutty stuff 'cause I think I might write more (for a new story or one-shots) but only if people don't hate it!


	12. The Worst Thing That I Ever Did Was What I Did To You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zoe talks to her parents about Evan. Evan and Zoe take a little trip.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone!! I'm know I'm a bit late again, but not as late as last week, so that's good right?? I think this chapter is pretty sweet and a good portion of it is from Zoe's POV, which was really fun to write. You may have noticed that this story is coming to an end soon and writing it has been incredible for me and I hope reading it has been a similar experience for you, lovely readers. But I will be writing another multi-chapter fic soon based on a prompt/suggestion given to me by HenBenRo earlier, but I have to think of a complete story arc first! I would love feedback or ideas on things for the new story like more mature like this one, a little fluffier, mean Jared or no mean Jared? If you have an idea please let me know!!! However, the one caveat is it will definitely be Evan/Zoe that's non-negotiable lol. 
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone reading, leaving comments, kudos-ing and subscribing, you all are so wonderful and I appreciate you all so much!!! I hope you enjoy this chapter!!!

Zoe leaves right before Heidi gets home, which was much later than if she’d gone home after when school was supposed to be let out. Her parents were probably wondering where she was, but she didn’t care that much. She wanted to stay with Evan as long as she could, soaking up their time together, feeling so connected and loved. It makes her feel kind of sad when she eventually forces herself to leave him, and she can’t wait until she doesn’t have to anymore. 

Her whole drive home she thinks about when her and Evan can be together all the time, living together, seeing each other every morning, and going to sleep next to one another, coming home knowing she’d see him. And she thinks that won’t happen until they’re both going to college, which she hadn’t really thought about until now. She knew in the back of her head that Evan wanted to go to college, she’d even helped him write scholarship essays, but she hadn’t thought about what that might actually mean. What if Evan was planning on leaving next year for school? He hadn’t said much about college since her parents tried to pay for it, and she understood that, but they hadn’t talked about it much before that either. What if he wanted to go away? To leave her for a year while she had stupid high school to finish? How was she supposed to handle that? 

Zoe shakes her head and readjusts her hands on her steering wheel, trying to not think about Evan leaving. They could talk about it later and ask him what his plans were. Right now, she had things to focus on that were affecting them every day. The fact that her parents basically forbade her from seeing him and told Evan they never wanted to see him again. That was a bigger problem that Evan potentially leaving in a year. She had to fix this problem now. 

And she would. Even if it took all year. She would convince her parents to forgive him. She would. And she wasn’t going to stop seeing him, no matter what they said. She already made plans to see him tomorrow. She told him to stay home and she’d come to him, at some point during the day, even if she had to sneak out again. She couldn’t guarantee a time, especially with her parents right now (and because she didn’t have a phone), but she knew Evan would wait for her. He’d always wait for her, and that makes her feel warm inside and cheers her up a bit form having to leave him. 

Hopefully tomorrow she’d have a lot to tell him too. What her parents were up to and how far she was into plan ‘make them forgive Evan by any means necessary’. And she needed to give him her new phone number which she was probably going to get tomorrow morning. She had only not had a phone for like two days, but it was awful. She didn’t like that she couldn’t talk to Evan whenever she wanted. She did like that she had an excuse for today for not coming home though. Oh, I didn’t know you were calling me, Dad took my phone, remember? Oh, I didn’t know what time it was, I didn’t have a phone. Those things were pretty nice. 

Zoe pulls into her driveway and walks into her house as quietly as she can. She wasn’t necessarily afraid of her parents saying something to her, but she’d rather just go to her room and not deal with them until later. She could organize everything she wanted to say to them and then bring it up at dinner. That was a better plan than them finding her in the foyer. 

But Zoe’s wishes aren’t granted, because her mom is standing in the foyer, clearly waiting for her to get inside, looking her up and down, slightly confused, and then a little suspiciously. Shit. Zoe was still wearing Evan’s sweatpants and a random tee shirt of Heidi’s he’d grabbed for her. Very obviously not the clothes she left this morning in that her mom had seen. But maybe she could play it off, there were lots of reasons she could’ve changed. Her mom wasn’t going to automatically know, right? 

“Where were you Zoe? And why wasn’t it school?” Cynthia asks her, crossing her arms over her chest and looking at Zoe like she wasn’t going to put up with any bullshit answers. And Zoe figures it means the school did call home to report Zoe absent, so she can’t really claim that she had been at school, which technically wasn’t a lie. She had gone to school today, she just hadn’t _stayed_ at school.

Not to mention she doesn’t care that she left school, she’d make the same call a hundred times over. School had been an actual hellscape, but what her day had become, that had been wonderful. She’d always remember today as something special, something that was only for her and Evan. 

“School was too much, so I left,” Zoe says vaguely, even though she knows her mom is going to ask more questions. As much as she’d been loving the attention from her parents before everything blew up, sometimes she wishes that they looked the other way like they used to when they had to deal with Connor.

“You’re the one who insisted on going this morning,” Cynthia tells her as if Zoe needed the reminder. She only insisted because she knew it was the only way to see Evan, she didn’t actually want to go to school this morning. Like she had hoped it was going to be better than it was, but it wasn’t, it was actually a million times worse. 

“I know Mom. That doesn’t mean I can’t change my mind. Turns out I can’t handle people pushing me and yelling ‘you killed your brother’ at me. Sorry I guess,” Zoe says, starting to get a little annoyed. Her mom was acting like she’d done something terrible, like she’d done something on the level of Connor. She hadn’t done any drugs, she hadn’t stolen anything from her parents. Didn’t she deserve to leave a situation when she didn’t feel okay? 

“Zoe love, I’m so sorry,” Cynthia says, her voice softening while she uncrosses her arms, reaching out towards her. It makes Zoe relax a little and walk in towards her, maybe going in for a hug. Maybe her mom wasn’t as upset as she thought. Until she adds, “That’s why we didn’t want you going at all, at least until next week. But you should’ve come straight home if you needed to leave. It’s almost 6, where were you?” 

Zoe doesn’t want to answer to her, so she tries to just walk past her, forgetting the idea of a hug completely and heading towards her room. If she told her the truth, then she’d tell her dad and then they’d both be mad at her. And even more mad at Evan. And she didn’t want that. 

But clearly her mom’s suspicions from earlier at Zoe’s outfit choice lead her to ask, “Were you seeing Evan?” 

Zoe just doesn’t want to answer, and if her mom was asking, she probably already knew the answer anyway. But if she never answered, then once again, technically she wasn’t lying. So she tries to just keep going up the stairs, going a little bit quicker and slipping past her mom. 

“Zoe you better not be seeing him. He’s a liar and a manipulator. Your father and I don’t want you having anything to do with him. He’s bad for you,” Cynthia tells her sternly and it makes Zoe incredibly angry. Evan wasn’t bad for her and he wasn’t a manipulator. Her and Evan were _good_ for each other. Why couldn’t her happiness outweigh anything else for a change? Why was she the only one in the family having to sacrifice things? Well she wasn’t going to sacrifice Evan and there was no way in hell her parents could make her. 

“Evan is the only thing that I have that’s good. I love him, he’s the only thing that makes me happy, Mom. Why are you trying to take that away from me?” Zoe cries, stopping to turn around on the staircase, facing her mom once more. She was determined to not let herself cry again; she’d cried enough over the last two days. And this going-to-be-fight wasn’t worth crying over. Her parents were being too harsh on Evan and they weren’t considering her feelings at all. 

“Because of everything he’s done to this family,” Cynthia answers, not giving Zoe any specifics as to why she was so upset with him. Like Zoe understood the lying, that was obvious, but what more could there possibly be? And honestly, she thought the lying was justified, she had been the one who suggested they keep it up instead of coming clean right after the dinner. Evan had offered, and she’d said it was better this way, that her family would be happier. And she had truly believed it at the time. 

“What did he do that was so bad, huh?” Zoe prods, letting her voice get a little louder, a little more desperate. Why couldn’t they just understand that Evan had never tried to hurt them, he’d only been helping them. 

“He, he…” Cynthia starts, looking confused on how she was supposed to feel, before Zoe cuts her off, continuing angrily, “He what? Tried to make you and Dad happy again? Tried to help heal our family? Tried to help me understand why Connor had been so awful to me? Those aren’t bad things Mom.” 

“He lied to us and made up stories about Connor, made us think we didn’t know our own son,” Cynthia defends, as if those were the worst possible things Evan could have done to their family. It wasn’t Evan’s fault that Cynthia and Larry really didn’t know their son, couldn’t immediately tell when someone was lying. And Zoe thinks it’s almost hypocritical because when she remembers dinner, she had told her parents that wasn’t something Connor would do, befriend a lonely shy boy, go climb trees with him, she’d been poking holes in Evan’s stories the whole night. But they hadn’t wanted to listen to her then. 

“Stories you asked for! You wanted him to keep talking, to keep lying to you, because it made you feel better Connor and how you didn’t know him and how he died, alone and sad and angry at the world,” Zoe yells at her, thinking how this whole argument was just unfair to Evan, and unfair to her. Her parents hadn’t wanted the truth, they wanted comfort and Evan gave them that. 

“What is all this yelling about?” Larry says from the hallway, emerging from his office to see both his wife and daughter rather disgruntled and defensive. 

“Your daughter decided to leave school leave today and go see Evan,” Cynthia tells him, quickly selling Zoe out, even though it was probably a poor decision to get Larry involved. And Zoe’s correct, because Larry goes from worried to angry real quick, siding with Cynthia and turning to face Zoe on the stairs. 

“I told that boy to never go near you again,” Larry says furiously, acting like Evan had sought her out and deliberately went against what Larry had told him. And Zoe saw Evan last night, and she knows he took everything her parents said to heart. If she hadn’t gone out and convinced him they were okay, that what her parents said didn’t matter, she knows he probably would have stayed away, and suffered all alone. 

“He’s not ‘that boy’. He’s Evan, _my Evan_ , our Evan, who you both love but you’re just angry at him,” Zoe tells them, not understanding how they could be acting like this. Three days ago, her dad was playing catch with Evan in the front yard and a week ago, her parents were offering to pay for his entire college education. And they were trying to tell her that all that was gone now? Because of one falling out?

“He’s a pathological liar and tried to fake Connor’s suicide note for attention,” Larry says, only spurring Zoe on more. She had hoped she was going to get the chance to talk to her parents calmly, she was so tired of all the fighting, but her dad clearly hadn’t even been listening to Evan when he’d tried to explain what happened with the note. She was similar to her dad in the sense that she could be stubborn too, but only when she was sure she was right. And right now, she knew her parents were trying to be angry just to be angry.

“Were you not even listening to anything Evan said? He didn’t fake anything of Connor’s. That was his note, how he felt the first day of school and Connor stole it from him. It wasn’t Evan’s fault. And he didn’t want any attention from this. He wanted to help people with the Connor Project, Alana wanted attention, and she’s the one who did this, her and Jared. All Evan wanted to do was help you, help us,” Zoe says, getting frustrated that they were putting all this blame on Evan and not the people who actually caused all the hate and chaos. And her dad didn’t even have the right story. Be mad at Evan for lying, sure, but he hadn’t faked a suicide note for Connor and he hadn’t wanted all this attention. 

“Of course, he told you that Zoe. But you can’t believe anything he says. He’s a liar,” Cynthia tells her, and Zoe wants nothing more than to tell them he wasn’t, if anything she was more a liar than Evan was. But she wouldn’t tell them that she knew the whole time. Evan had never been more insistent on anything, ever, than her not telling her parents that she’d been a part of the lies.

“Because you guys made him into one!” Zoe yells at them, not knowing how else to get through to them. Evan wouldn’t have had to keep this up if they hadn’t always been asking him for more, asking him to keep it up. And most of the stories he told were about him and her, so he was only really lying about Connor being there. But she’d been there and even when he was gone, her parents were still choosing Connor over her. And she hated it.

Cynthia and Larry look like they want to respond to her, but Zoe keeps going, letting her voice come down so she wasn’t quite yelling anymore, “He tried to tell you, that day you called him into Mr. Howard’s office. He tried to tell you that Connor didn’t write that note, you just didn’t want to believe him, didn’t want to listen to him. You gave him no choice but to pretend him and Connor were friends. He only did it because he saw how broken up you were about Connor and he thought it’d help you, even if it was just for a night.” 

Cynthia and Larry are looking at each other, taking in Zoe’s words, wondering how much truth was in Zoe’s statements. Had Evan really tried to tell them? Their silence makes Zoe keep going, airing how she felt about what had happened next, “And then you welcomed him in to our family and treated him better than you did Connor, what was he supposed to do then? Give all that up?”

Zoe knew exactly why Evan kept the lies up, the same reason she did. She knew he wanted a family, one that was nice and around and loving. She wanted that too, and they were both getting it. Her parents weren’t only enamored by Evan, for the first time in her life they were enamored and dedicated to her too. Was she supposed to give that up too?

And she’s thankful they’re not really asking how she knew all this, knew that Evan had tried to tell them and was so sure that he had. 

“No, he didn’t try to,” Larry starts, beginning to look confused and a little guilty, but Cynthia looking even more guilty, interrupts him, saying, “No, no Larry he did. I remember that. He said ‘Connor didn’t write that’. And we, and we told him he was in shock and that Connor wrote it. Evan was so scared that day. And I always thought it was because of Connor, but he was scared of us.” 

“You’re right Mom, he was scared because the note mentions me and Connor freaked out at him because of it and he thought you were going to do the same. And he didn’t mean for any of this to happen. After you guilted him into dinner, he was just going to say a few nice things about Connor and then leave. But you guys wanted to hear more, to see emails, to know the Connor he described because you liked that Connor more,” Zoe tells them and she feels a little better about yelling at them because it looks like they’re starting to understand a little more. Her mom at least. Her dad was still looking skeptical about the whole situation and Zoe thinks it’s because he wants someone to blame that wasn’t himself. 

Cynthia looks stunned and it’s because Zoe was right, about everything. They had been so eager to hear these things about their son, even if they sounded so far-fetched, because they wanted to. They wanted to think that Connor was different than who he was, that he hadn’t been so lonely and so full of despair. Evan had only been doing what they wanted him to do, even if they hadn’t exactly known it at the time. 

“And then you guys just kicked him out last night, knowing he’s been having a hard time at home lately? You made him feel just like Connor last night, and it’s honestly a miracle he was okay today,” Zoe says, just throwing that in there to, hoping her parents would feel bad about it. Her dad should have never threatened her last night and never should have just thrown Evan out like he didn’t matter. She doesn’t add that he was okay because she snuck out and went and found him. They didn’t need to know that part. Only Evan needed to know that. That she’d always come looking, would always find him. 

“Okay. We’ll give him another chance, a chance to explain more,” Cynthia says, looking over to Zoe, who despite not wanting to cry, had tears welling up, but these were happy tears. Her mom was going to give Evan another opportunity to tell his side of the story, and once they heard it, she knew they’d forgive him, just like she had that first night. 

“No we won’t, Cynthia what are you talking about? This is exactly what you did to Connor. You gave him so many chances, too many chances and he never learned,” Larry says harshly, making Zoe take a step back from them, worried that her dad might start yelling at her or her mom again. 

“Don’t say that to me, maybe if we’d given Connor one more chance he’d still be here. And I don’t want to lose another son. You telling him to get out yesterday broke my heart and I don’t want that, I’ve already lived through that. I want to hear Evan’s side of everything, and you can be there or not Larry, I don’t really care,” Cynthia says, making Zoe feel triumphant again. Her mom was on her side, at least for now, and once Evan got here and explained, her dad would hopefully understand too. 

“Fine, one hour on Sunday. That’s all he gets, his last chance,” Larry says stubbornly, even though he looked a little relived. Like he wanted to hear Evan out to but had to be the “bad cop” in this situation. Zoe thinks he doesn’t want to lose another son either. Her family had experienced so much loss already, they didn’t need more. 

“Good, I’ll tell him tomorrow,” Zoe says cheerfully, happy that even though this conversation started out terribly, they had gotten somewhere and that was a good thing. But Larry looks like he wants to argue with her, insist on Zoe staying away until they heard Evan’s story, but she cuts him off before he can say anything, “How is he supposed to know to come over Sunday if I don’t tell him? It’s not like I have my phone.” 

And Larry can’t really argue with that logic because they couldn’t just expect Evan to show up without someone reaching out to him. And Evan was probably staying away from phones and the internet just as much as they were right now.

“I took care of that honey. I ordered a new one this morning to surprise you. I was about to go pick it up before you got home. Do you want to come with me now to get it?” Cynthia asks her, and Zoe can’t really tell if her mom is being totally honest. She probably did order her a new phone this morning, but she most definitely was not about to go pick it up when Zoe got home. But Cynthia looks like she wants Zoe to desperately agree. To get a chance to talk to Zoe without her dad around, and she doesn’t sense that her mom is secretly trying to yell at her, so Zoe just nods her head. If they did go get a new phone, then at least she could pick out a new case to show Evan tomorrow. 

Zoe carefully walks back down the couple of stairs she’d climbed and walks past her dad, not saying anything more to him, reaching onto their coat rack to grab a sweatshirt to put over her tee shirt. And she smiles when she realizes it’s Evan’s. It smelled like him and was adorably too big for her, but it makes her feel like he’s wrapped around her again. It calms her instantly and makes her excited to tell Evan all this news tomorrow. They were one step closer to everything getting back to normal. One step closer to having the family they wanted back. 

Zoe follows her mom outside and to her car, sitting in the passenger side and wishing desperately that she could play some music. Her mom’s car was quiet and as much as Cynthia had looked like she wanted to talk to Zoe, she wasn’t saying anything. It was awkward and Zoe didn’t know if she should say anything or just wait for her mom to start talking. She opts to just wait, knowing that it was her mom who had invited her on this weird shopping trip, not the other way around. 

They’re about five minutes into their drive, when Cynthia, out of nowhere asks her, “So you love him? You love Evan?” 

And that was not at all what Zoe expected her to bring up or to ask. She’d said it once and hadn’t even been sure it had registered with her mom at time, but apparently it had. And Zoe wasn’t going to lie or diminish her feelings, so she tells her mom, “Yeah, I do, more than anything, and I know he loves me. He’s the only one who stood by me at school, the only one. My friends weren’t adding to it, but they weren’t defending me either. Evan is the only reason I even made it through one class today. I don’t know what you’re thinking, but Evan’s not a bad person Mom, he’s not.” 

“I know that love, it just took a minute to get there. I was so upset yesterday, and I just let your dad take over, same as I’ve always done because it was easier. I let him do it when Evan told us the first time too. It was a mistake and I won’t do it again,” Cynthia says, glancing over at Zoe, hoping that she understood, that she was sorry she let things escalate both last night and every other time before that. 

Zoe nods at her, accepting her mom’s somewhat apology. Zoe can understand falling into the habit that made things easier. Especially when everything was so uncertain around them. It’s the same reason she never told anyone about Connor, she was scared, but it was also easier to pretend. She never knew if Connor would ever use something against her, and that uncertainty forced her into just hiding and avoiding things. So she really did understand what her mom was admitting to. 

“And I really don’t think Evan’s bad for you. I was just trying to agree with your dad, be on the same page about something. But I honestly think Evan’s a very sweet boy. I see how happy he makes you. I know it’s been especially hard these last few years, with everything, and I just want you to be happy again Zoe, and I see that when you’re with Evan,” Cynthia tells her, reaching over to tuck a piece of hair that had escaped Zoe’s braid behind her ear. 

“He really does make me happy, happier than I’ve ever been. And I would honestly go through everything again, wouldn’t change a single thing, knowing that it let me to Evan. And I know we’ll never know, but I do think Connor and Evan could have been friends. I think they would have gotten along, and Evan’s so, so, so considerate and sensitive and Connor needed someone like him, but it all happened too late,” Zoe says, admitting to herself for probably the first time that the idea of Evan and Connor being friends wasn’t all that wild, that Connor probably would have been better if he’d had someone, someone who cared so much like Evan. But she had always just wanted Evan to herself, never wanted to share him, even in her own thoughts. 

“I think you’re right Zoe, but it’s not too late for Evan and you. And you need someone like him too,” Cynthia tells her, putting Zoe before Connor, also for the first time that Zoe could remember. It felt like her parents rarely considered how she felt, but right now her mom was agreeing that Evan was someone Zoe needed, that she’d be worse off if they tried to keep them apart, like Larry wanted.

“Really Mom?” Zoe asks her, hoping she wasn’t lying to her about this, lulling her into a false sense of security, only to agree with Larry come Sunday when Evan was there. 

“Yeah really Zo. I see the way he looks at you, the way he’s always looked at you. And I know you two were together today, so what did you do?” Cynthia asks, seeming like she was trying to lighten their subject, that maybe Zoe would feel okay talking more to her now that she knew she wasn’t going to attack her or Evan. 

“We just watched movies and took a nap. I didn’t sleep well last night with all the pranks,” Zoe says, hoping her mom can’t see the blush on her face, knowing she’d left out a pretty big detail of what they’d done today. And for some reason Zoe feels like Cynthia’s asking because she knew somehow, had some sort of sixth sense or something. But there was no way in hell Zoe was going to talk to her mom about sex. Especially not right now.

Luckily for Zoe, Cynthia seems satisfied with her answer, and doesn’t poke any further into it, telling her instead, “Well, you both probably needed a day off and you shouldn’t have had to go to school just to see him today, you can see him when you want to, if it’s still reasonable, like tomorrow and Sunday. And I want you to know that I’ll work on your dad.” 

Zoe can’t believe how much her mom has changed her tune, going from yelling at her about seeing Evan to full on giving her permission to see him whenever she wanted. She wasn’t complaining, but she was just shocked that it took her mom so little convincing. It makes her feel good though, knowing that everything might just work out in her favor for once. 

“But Zoe love, I think even if your dad comes around, it probably won’t be the same as it was before, not at first at least,” Cynthia says sadly, and Zoe understands that too. Even if her parents forgave Evan, it wasn’t going to erase all the hurt they felt or make them fully trust him again. But with enough time Zoe thinks they could get back to that place, honestly an even better one because Evan and her wouldn’t be lying. 

“That’s okay Mom. I know all Evan wants is for you not to hate him, because he thinks that,” Zoe tells her, turning away a little bit and playing with the strings of Evan’s hoodie, wishing she was playing with his hand instead, that he was here with her. 

“I don’t hate Evan, I was just so hurt, and I still am. Everything that happened yesterday, that’s still happening, and it was like reliving losing Connor. We were just starting to heal and it’s like that wound was torn open,” Cynthia says, turning her eyes back towards the road, pulling into the parking lot of tiny strip mall.

“I know how you feel because I feel like that too,” Zoe confesses to her mom, tugging her hoodie even closer to her, letting the knowledge that it was Evan’s comfort her a little before continuing to tell her, “I was just starting to remember some good things about Connor, close to forgiving him and moving past it all. But everything online and at school, it just hurts, and they just don’t know anything about Connor or anything and it’s so hard Mom.” 

“I know baby. And I know your dad and I haven’t exactly helped with you handling everything, and we’re sorry about that,” Cynthia tells her, unbuckling her seatbelt and leaning over to give Zoe a side hug, hoping it would reassure her that she would start trying to do better from now on. 

“You did for a while there,” Zoe says softly, remembering how happy she’d been just a couple weeks ago, adding, “When we were all together like a complete family, playing games and picnics and making cookies with Evan. You guys listened to me talk and listened to me play. I want that stuff. I don’t know how much more I can handle of what happened last night, what almost happened tonight.” 

“I’m going to promise you that I’ll do the best I can Zoe,” Cynthia tells her, brushing her hair down along the side of her head soothingly as Zoe nods in agreement. Zoe feels a lot better hearing her mom say that. It wasn’t a promise that everything would be okay, because neither of them knew that, but a promise to keep trying, trying for Zoe and today that was enough. 

“And since it’s not super late, and it’s just us girls, why don’t we try to do something fun after getting your phone? Ice cream or dinner or whatever you can pick Zo,” Cynthia says, trying to turn this night around, hoping Zoe would want to do something with her. 

“Um, okay. I think the vintage store is still open, we could go look around some. I’ve been wanting to look for some things,” Zoe suggests, actually wanting to spend a little more time with her mom before they went back home. 

“Whatever you want love,” Cynthia tells her, placing a small kiss to the top of her head before getting out of the car, Zoe following after her. And Zoe lets herself relax a little, knowing that things were looking up, for both her and Evan. 

== 

Evan’s pacing nervously in his living room, waiting for Zoe to show up at his house at some point during the day. He wanted desperately to know how she was doing after yesterday. He’d never gone this long without talking to her and it makes him worried. But he has faith in her, even if she showed up at 10 tonight, she’d never break her promise. She’d find a way to tell him somehow that she was either okay or not okay. And Evan really hopes she’s okay. 

And he wants to tell her that his night was okay too. His mom had come home like she’d promised, and they made dinner together before she left for class, and then she made sure to come talk to him before they went to bed when she got home. It had been nice to talk to her about his day, not lying for once (he’d maybe left some stuff out, but he didn’t need to tell her everything). Surprisingly, Heidi was okay with him ditching school to leave with Zoe, and with his confrontation with Jared and Alana. She told him that he shouldn’t hit people, but she was proud of him for sticking up for himself and for Zoe. She hadn’t been so sure about Alana’s post, but thought it was a good start to making things easier for Zoe and her parents. The whole night had been a promising start to Heidi being there for him more often and more genuinely. 

And he just really wished that Zoe would show up soon. He knew that she couldn’t give him a time frame because she didn’t know if she’d be able to leave freely or have to sneak out. And he would hang out in his room or do something on his computer, but his room reminded him too much of Zoe and just made him miss her more, and he was trying to stay away from technology right now, trying to avoid any Connor Project related issues. So, he was left with just pacing the living room, avoiding letting his thoughts spiral out of control. 

And around 11, Zoe thankfully shows up and she looks happy. Happy to see him, but she looks just happier in general, and Evan thinks she has good news. He can see her hands are full as she gets of her car, so he rushes to her, kissing her cheek in greeting and takes the bakery box and drink tray from her hands, asking, “What’s all this for Zo?” 

“I thought we needed it. I got you a decaf latte and some donuts to share. I also figured you hadn’t eaten anything today, not knowing when I’d get here,” Zoe says giving him a knowing smile, which Evan shamefully gives back. She was right that he’d been too worried to eat anything, but he loves that she was thinking of him and even knew to get him decaf (he didn’t mix well with caffeine). 

Evan lets Zoe’s presence immediately calm him, especially since she seemed so happy. He didn’t have to immediately go into protective and comforting mode, he could just enjoy her smile and brightness without any catches. Evan takes her hand, carefully balancing the treats in his other hand and leads her into his house. They settle comfortably into Evan’s couch, Zoe sitting basically in Evan’s lap with his arms wrapped snugly around her, picking at pieces of a donut, feeding it to Evan, telling him, “Ev, I really think that things are going to be okay. My parents said you could come over tomorrow, they want to hear your side of everything without anything else going on. And I had a really nice night with my mom. She said she still loves you and was just so hurt. She just let my dad take over, knowing that he’d overreact. But she said she’s not going to do that anymore, for herself and for me.” 

“Really? She said all that?” Evan asks her, moving his hand under the hem of her shirt to move his thumb back and forth against her skin, trying to soothe himself. He was still unsure that Cynthia could still honestly love him or want to hear from him after all the lies he’d told. Want him to be involved with her family and close to them again.

“Yeah she told me when we were alone last night. And she said that you’re good for me and that she can see how happy I am with you. She doesn’t want to take that away from me, from you,” Zoe tells him, finishing her coffee and setting it aside, opting to snuggle in closer to Evan, lightly pressing a kiss to his jaw, just because she could, before laying her head on his shoulder. 

Wanting to return some affection, so Zoe would know even if he wasn’t completely sure her mom really felt like that, he still believed her and was happy for them, Evan kisses her hairline and sets his head against hers, pulling her impossibly closer. 

“And I mean, my dad’s not exactly on board, but he agreed that you could come over and that’s a start, you know? I really think everything’s going to work out okay,” Zoe tells him, enjoying the feeling of Evan’s hand on her back, absent mindedly tracing little patterns and shapes.

“This, that’s, I’m still really nervous but I’m happy for you and for us. I just want your parents to understand that I never meant to hurt them, that I only wanted to help,” Evan says sincerely, even though he knows that Zoe knew all of this, but maybe if he said it aloud enough times, it would actually happen. 

“They will Ev,” Zoe assures him, and she’d never lie to him, she really did think they’d understand when Evan got the chance to explain everything. Zoe moves her head from his shoulder, leaning up to kiss him as he mumbled, “I hope so.” 

“They will,” Zoe tells him, kissing him again softly, adding less confidently, “At least by tomorrow my mom will and we can keep working on my dad. He wants to forgive you, I can tell. He was looking at your guys’ gloves today as I was leaving, and I know he misses you.” 

“I love you and everything little thing you do for me Zo,” Evan tells her feeling a bit better, loving the way Zoe still blushed just a little every time he said it to her. He always thinks she looks cute, but especially when she blushes, highlighting her freckles. Evan was over thinking Zoe would ever do anything to hurt him, he trusted her completely, but he was still in awe everyday that someone like her loved him.

“I love you too Evan, that’s why I’d go to the ends of the earth, just to make sure you’re okay and happy,” Zoe says, playfully kissing his nose, and shifting around in his lap so she was facing him completely, not off to the side. 

Evan can’t help but kiss her again, especially when she was sitting on him like she was, or when she settles her arms around his neck, toying with his hair the way she knew he liked. And Zoe was kissing him back just as fervently, which made Evan feel even better that things were going to be okay. How could they not be when he had Zoe Murphy on his side? 

Zoe pulls away first, breathing a little heavy, smiling at Evan, and then just hugs him, pulling him tight, and Evan is taken a little bit by surprise, but gladly returns her hug, nuzzling into the crook of her neck. 

Evan holds her until she starts to pull away and she looks like she wants to ask him something, so Evan just waits patiently for her to collect her thoughts, squeezing her hips gently. 

“Hey Ev, um, since we have the whole day, um I know it might sound weird, but do you want to maybe go to the orchard with me? I know it’s basically the source of a lot of our problems, but for some reason I want to go, to see it one more time before all the new things go up. Is that weird?” Zoe asks apprehensively, but she couldn’t get the idea of visiting the orchard out of her head. And she really wasn’t sure why, but she knew she wanted Evan to go with her. 

“No, I don’t think it’s weird. Zo, um, do you ever wonder if Connor ever actually went to the orchard? We pretended he did so often, and I sometimes think about if he ever felt anything about it, you know?” Evan asks her, knowing he’d been thinking about it a lot lately. The whole Connor Project catastrophe was because of the Kickstarter to fund an orchard revival because Evan had said he went there. But what if Evan had never said “the apple place” that day? What if Cynthia had never assumed he meant the Autumn Smile Orchard? What if there was a place that actually meant something to Connor that they could have been helping instead? 

“Yeah I think about that too Ev. I hope Connor thought of it as a special place because I still do. We really did have some really good memories there and even though it was really bad towards the end, I still hope Connor was able to remember some of the good things, because before everything blew up, I was starting to remember a lot of them,” Zoe tells him, setting her head on Evan’s chest comfortably. 

“Well, let’s go. We can explore and you can tell me about them, only if you want to though,” Evan says gently, knowing talking about Connor was still hard for her. Zoe had really only told him about most of the bad things he’d done to her in the last couple of years. They rarely talked about anything positive, but Evan wanted to hear it all, be able to support her for all of it. 

“Yeah, I want to, let’s go right now,” Zoe says, getting not excited exactly, but Evan can tell this was something she wanted to do, that it was important to her. Zoe gets off of Evan’s lap and adjusts her shirt, then reaches for Evan’s hand and pulls him up too, playfully straightening out his hoodie. Evan smiles at her and kisses her cheek, thinking Zoe was the absolute cutest. 

Their drive to the orchard is actually fun, a contrast to the last few days in Zoe’s car. They play an upbeat pop playlist and Evan tells Zoe about his night with his mom, how well it went and how he’s looking forward to maintaining this new relationship with his mom. And the drive is a nice reminder to Evan of what’s to come. Not everyday was going to be as terrible as the last couple had been. Him and Zoe were growing from this experience and only getting stronger, both as individuals and as a couple. 

When they get to the orchard, Evan lets Zoe take the lead, intertwining her hand with his and pulling him under the “no trespassing” sign, disregarding it completely. Then they begin to stroll, looking at the fallen apples and all the trees heavy with fruit, watching the birds and just enjoying the space, enjoying being alone together. 

As they walk, Zoe begins to tell him stories, some that she remembered from being little, starting with, “When I was five and Connor was six, we dared each other to eat as many apples as we could. I think I got through three or four and he maybe got through four, and then we both threw up and our parents were so mad. But we laughed and laughed, thinking it was the funniest thing and our parents couldn’t stop us from giggling even on the drive home.” 

Evan doesn’t interrupt her or add anything at all, he just smiles and squeezes her hand, encouraging her to tell him more, loving the way she was smiling ever so slightly at the memory.

“Connor used to read to me a lot too. I’d cuddle into his side and listen to him and he’d always try to do different voices for different characters. I wasn’t very good at reading as a kid, except for reading music, which Connor was always jealous of. But he’d read in the car, at home, here a lot of the time. It’s something I missed a lot as we got older and stopped reading story and picture books,” Zoe tells him, keeping her small smile and squeezing Evan’s hand. Zoe didn’t usually smile when she talked about Connor, so it was a nice change and Evan was incredibly happy for her, thinking she probably needed this, especially after being reminded constantly over the last days about a Connor who wasn’t real. And he didn’t want her to be saddled with only the memories of what Connor had become and what he’d done to her as teenagers. It was important to remember that Connor too, but Evan thinks it’s almost cleansing to talk about him differently. And without making anything up, without her parents or students pressuring her to say nice things, Zoe was getting to tell him about a real Connor, possibly the one she wanted to remember more. 

Suddenly, Zoe stops walking, right in front a big old apple tree and turns to Evan to ask, “Do you want to see what the orchard looks like from up there?”

Evan freezes for a second because the last time he’d climbed up a tree had been this summer when he tried…when he broke his arm. And he’d also told the Murphy’s and everyone on the internet that him and Connor climbed an apple tree, just ‘to see what it would look like’. And he has a feeling that Zoe knows what she’s doing, asking him this, knowing what it meant. 

And she not pressuring him to answer right away and he thinks she wouldn’t care if he said no, but he doesn’t know what he should do. What if they got up there and he did accidently fall? Or worse what if Zoe fell and got hurt? But then a tiny voice that sounds suspiciously like Zoe in his head whispers _but what if it’s incredible and you get to experience this with her?_

And this voice he kind of does want to listen too. He thinks maybe this could be a purging experience for him too. He didn’t really want to keep these memories; the same way Zoe didn’t want to hold on to her bad ones of Connor. And maybe actually climbing with someone who he loved immensely would help him. Maybe the view from up above would tell them how to deal with everything. 

“Okay, let’s look,” Evan tells her, dropping her hand and walking up to the tree, looking for the sturdiest branch to start their climb. Evan easily finds the most suitable path up to the top, then comes back down and helps Zoe, knowing that climbing wasn’t necessarily her best skill. 

And when they’re up there, 30 feet off the ground, the view really is incredible. They see all the rows of apple trees and can feel the sun shining down on them. And Evan gets a little uneasy when he glances to the ground, and he knows what the voices in his head are telling him, the ones that didn’t sound at all like Zoe, _just jump, do it_. But he looks over to Zoe, who was smiling softly at him, holding his hand once more, and the voices trail off, and his head is filled with Zoe’s voice, telling him she loved him. 

Eventually they climb back down to some of the lower branches, and hang out there for a little bit, Zoe returning to her stories about Connor as a kid telling him about making Christmas cookies, “We were probably around 10 and thought it’d be a good present to give to our family and friends, so our mom helped us make them all, even more than we made for the teen center, and then left us to decorate on our own. I was going to give my favorite one to my mom, but it broke, and I was so upset. So Connor went and found his favorite and gave it to me to give to her instead. He was so sweet about it too.” 

Evan moves to put his arm around her, pulling her closer to him on the branch, and kisses her forehead, reassuring her that she could share as much or as little as she wanted, and he’d be here to listen faithfully. 

“Right before everything started changing and went to shit, I got my first guitar after begging my parents, knowing that just piano wasn’t enough. I played and played and Connor just sat there and listened to me even though it must have been painful because I had no idea what I was doing. He even found some easy songs that he thought I’d like and put the music sheets in my guitar case. I think that was the last nice thing he did for me,” Zoe says leaning her head against Evan’s chest and swinging her legs slightly as they dangled from the branch, feeling secure that Evan wouldn’t let anything happen to her, both in the tree and when they left the orchard.

“I honestly never thought I’d think about these little things again, be able to remember Connor as the big brother I loved, not the one I was afraid of. But it’s getting easier to see that those were the same person, that I don’t need to keep them separate. I can just remember Connor, my brother. The good, the bad, all of it and it’s really nice Evan,” Zoe tells him, feeling him nod against her.

This morning she hadn’t known what was urging her to come here, to do this, but she’s glad she did. And she’s even more glad that Evan was here with her. She thinks this little trip and climb helped him too. They didn’t need to keep letting their past mistakes or past fears define them or keep them down. They were stronger than that. And they were one step closer to putting this whole thing behind them and moving on with their lives. 

== 

Evan and Zoe spend the rest of Saturday hanging out at the orchard and Evan’s house. Zoe shows him her new phone and new case, and puts her new number into his phone, glad that they had a way of communicating again. Like the day before, Zoe leaves before Heidi gets home because both of them decided they needed to deal with one set of parents at a time. And with Evan already anxious about talking to hers tomorrow, they didn’t need to add more anxiety by Evan having to think about Zoe re-meeting his mom. All of that would be too much for right now. 

And when Zoe texts him to say she was coming to pick him up on Sunday, he thinks he might pass out. This was going to be even worse than the first time and most definitely worse than when he told them the truth. Zoe being around for most of yesterday had tricked his brain into thinking it would be okay, but it wasn’t. When he was worried about her, he never thought about himself, but knowing she was okay and safe? That opened the doors of possibilities for him to freak out about himself. 

Even if they did forgive him for lying about Connor, what would they think about his reasoning? Sure, he wanted to make them happier and help them, but he’d also been thinking about the reactions of his mom and the people around him if what he tried to do this summer had a different outcome. He didn’t want his mom to have no one, not a single person, tell her something nice about him. To force her into remembering the version of himself that he hated the most. He didn’t want that to happen to Mr. and Mrs. Murphy either. He’d been helping but he’d also been selfish, thinking about himself instead of Connor. 

And when they asked him why he let it go so far, what was he supposed to say? That he’d been selfish again and didn’t want to give up having in what his mind was a real family? What if Cynthia changed her mind from what she told Zoe Friday? What if after seeing him again she decided Evan wasn’t good enough for Zoe or for their family? What if they tried to keep them apart again? 

Evan’s worked himself up enough, to the point where he doesn’t hear Zoe’s car pulling up or her opening the door, concerned that Evan hadn’t been outside waiting for her. Zoe finds him curled up on the couch, head on his knees, looking very frightened. 

At this point in their relationship, Zoe had calmed Evan down many times, and she knows to take it slow, sitting next to him, wrapping her arms around him, and rubbing his back softly. They don’t say anything for a while, the only movement was the occasional kiss from Zoe to Evan’s head, waiting for him to feel a little bit better. 

And the first thing Evan tells her is, “Zo you look really pretty,” noticing her dress and the way her hair was curled nicely, she must have been trying for today with her parents. 

“Thanks Evan, you look really pretty too,” Zoe tells him smiling, brushing back his hair off his forehead, smiling even wider as Evan’s cheeks turned a rosy hue at the compliment. He didn’t think he looked pretty, he just looked regular, probably worse than regular since he’d probably gotten sweaty thinking about the Murphy’s rejecting him for a second time. 

“Are you anxious about talking to my parents today?” Zoe asks gently, even though she knew that was really the only reason Evan could be this upset. She feels him nod against her, and she thinks it’s okay to keep talking, “I don’t know what you’re thinking right now, but I promise it’ll be okay. My parents were in a better mood this morning and my mom actually said she wanted to see you. And if it’s not okay today, we’ll keep trying, because eventually it will be. And there’s absolutely nothing, _nothing_ Ev, that could happen today to keep me away from you.” 

“How are you so sure Zoe? How do you know they won’t hate me when they know for sure how selfish I am? How terrible? When they know everything?” Evan asks, turning his head to look at her, eyes full of desperation. Zoe thought she handled Evan’s anxiety pretty well as a partner, but she’s finding that it never got easier to see Evan, someone she loved, truly think that way about himself, and she wishes there was more she could do. But she knows the things she can do right now, like remind him he wasn’t those things, tell him she loved him, she would do as many times as he needed. 

“Evan, you’re not terrible or selfish. And I know because I know everything that you’re telling them today and I know you, every part of you, and I’m still here. And I’ll always be here, no matter what,” Zoe tells him, pressing a light kiss to his lips, hoping it would comfort him. Evan kisses her back, not as eagerly as normal, but it was something and Zoe knows that’s a good sign. The next hour of his life was going to be hard, but not impossible. 

“Okay” is all Evan manages to say, nodding his head against her chest again. Zoe continues to hold him for a few more minutes, letting the words she said sink in, until she feels him breathing a little more regularly. And then she whispers to him, “You think you’re ready to do it?” 

Evan nods again, taking a deep breath in and out, before following Zoe off the couch, gripping her hand tightly as they walked outside and to her car. 

Their drive is quiet again, a stark contrast to when they were going to the orchard yesterday, and Evan hates it. Hates that his anxiety made things so hard, made it so hard to feel just regular, like a plateau. He felt like he was always going up and down, and as a result, Zoe had to deal with it too. But he does his best to remember that Zoe loved him. Zoe trusted him. Zoe wants to be there for him. She saw who he was and chose to stay. 

When they get to the Murphy’s Evan immediately reaches for Zoe’s hand, holding on to her tightly as she led them through her front door. And for the first time in forever, Evan feels like he doesn’t belong in the Murphy’s house, a place where he used to feel so safe. But he feels Zoe squeeze his hand and start thumbing across the top of his hand and he lets himself relax the tiniest bit. Zoe was there for him. Zoe loved him. Zoe wasn’t leaving. 

Zoe leads them to their actual living room, not the formal one where they had hosted Heidi, and Cynthia and Larry are already there, sitting and watching as Zoe and Evan came in. They sit across from them, and Evan feels like he’s being questioned by the police. And honestly, he might as well be. But he doesn’t say anything because Zoe doesn’t and he just keeps his head down, looking at his lap and him and Zoe’s intertwined hands. 

“Hi Evan,” Cynthia says, making an attempt to break the very awkward silence. It makes Evan glance up at her, and he’s glad he did. She didn’t look angry or sad or anything like Evan had thought. She looks like she just wants to hear him talk, kind of like that first dinner. 

“Hi Mrs. Murphy, um, Mr. Murphy,” Evan says back, opting to use their formal titles, feeling like the privilege of calling them Cynthia and Larry had been taken away from him. 

“Evan, we know we maybe didn’t communicate the best with you on Thursday. There was a lot happening and most of it was completely overwhelming. And since then, it’s calmed down a little and we think you should talk to us about what happened, why you felt like you needed to lie to us about Connor,” Cynthia says gently but firmly, watching as Evan nodded in understanding, even though he still looked terrified to be there. Cynthia thinks it’s probably because of yelling and threatening that happened last time, so she quickly adds, “And we won’t yell at you or tell Zoe she has to leave.” 

“Okay, so um Connor really did sign my cast on the first day of school. I think he was apologizing for pushing me in the hallway. Jared was teasing him and just being mean and it made me really nervous and to Connor it probably sounded like I was laughing at him, but I wasn’t, so he shoved me like Zoe saw. But then in the computer lab I was typing my letter to bring to therapy and it had been a really terrible day already, on top of a terrible summer, and my mom just told me that she wasn’t going to be home, and I wasn’t doing great. Connor saw my name on the letter and tried to bring it to me and he was talking and then when he scanned it again, he saw Zoe’s name and then he just freaked out. He thought I was trying to set him up for something, to tell everyone that he was crazy or something. And then he stormed off and wouldn’t give it back,” Evan tells them, recapping his first day of school, barely taking a breath between every word he said, hoping that Cynthia and Larry were able to follow along. 

Zoe squeezes his hand again, as a reminder that he was doing okay. He was telling them the truth and that’s what they wanted. Cynthia is nodding her head along with him, like she understood, maybe Connor had been paranoid around her too, but Larry’s face hadn’t moved from his stern glare, only once in a while glancing at Zoe and Evan’s laced hands. 

“And then Connor didn’t come to school for two days and neither did Zoe and all I could think about was how Connor was going to turn this on me, spread my note all around school, tell everyone I was the freak, that I was harassing him and Zoe and get me kicked out of school. That you guys were going to think I was stalking Zoe or something, I’m not, I wasn’t. She was just the only good part of my day and I wanted to be friends with her. But anyways then you called me into the office, and I thought for sure I was getting expelled. But you had already mistaken my note as Connor’s suicide note. You were so convinced we were friends and you wouldn’t listen when I told you that Connor didn’t write it,” Evan tells them, blinking back some tears that were forming, remembering how nervous he’d been in the principal’s office with them. How conflicted he’d been on what to do. How no matter what, it seemed like every option was bad. 

“And Mrs. Murphy you looked so sad, so distraught. And um, I guess I kept thinking about how my mom would be if um, if my accident over the summer had turned out differently, if what I’d intended to do actually happened,” Evan says, talking much faster over the last part, not wanting to elaborate much further than that or look at either adult while he said it. 

“And um, if it was different, my mom wouldn’t have had anyone either. No one would have been able to say anything nice about me at all, and I didn’t want to add to your pain. I didn’t see the harm in letting you think that Connor maybe had a friend, that he had something I so desperately wanted too. That neither of us were actually so alone,” Evan keeps telling them, finally letting a tear escape, only to be wiped away quickly by Zoe’s thumb. 

“And then you invited me to dinner and you already believed it, so I thought I could just say some nice things about Connor and then leave you to grieve in peace. I thought it would make everything easier for you, that thinking Connor had a friend would make healing a little easier, that it would help,” Evan says sadly, knowing that that’s not what happened at all. That his lie, that he’d also told to Jared (who’d spread it to everyone in the school), actually had caused them a lot of pain and had incited a lot of hate. 

“Evan, you just wanted to help. You thought you were doing something that would make losing our son easier. And we should’ve listened to you. The first thing you told us was the truth and we, we just wanted it to be different too,” Cynthia tells him, wiping tears away from her own eyes. She should have seen how upset Evan was during that first meeting, but she’d been so captivated by the idea of her Connor having someone, that she’d thrown any thought that it wasn’t true out the window. She’d even refused to listen to Zoe about when she said Connor and Evan weren’t friends. 

“Um, and then I just kept it up because you guys were so nice to me. You listened to me and wanted me to be here and with you, and no one had ever done that before. It was nice, feeling like I was part of something, having a family, even for a little bit,” Evan says quietly, squeezing Zoe’s hand again, silently asking if he was doing okay. He was too scared to look over to them, to see their reactions, even if they weren’t yelling or telling him to get out again. Zoe squeezes his hand once, telling him he was doing great. She even adds a tiny kiss to their hands, pushing her message further.

“Now Evan, I think we can understand a little bit better than before, and we obviously had a part in letting this get out of hand, but I think what’s important here is that there were no bad intentions, even if some bad things happened along the way. And I want you to know I forgive you,” Cynthia says getting up and taking a seat next to Evan, tentatively setting her arm across his shoulders in a gentle hug. 

“I’m really sorry. I never meant for any of this to get out of hand. I just wanted to help,” Evan whispers to her, letting her hug calm him, even if he still thought he didn’t deserve forgiveness from her. 

“Well, I think we all need sometime time to come back from this, and Evan, I think that that time should be spent with you keeping your distance, from us and from Zoe,” Larry says almost diplomatically, with no emotion whatsoever. And Zoe can’t believe her dad would say something like that, especially after hearing everything Evan had said. 

“That’s not happening Dad. I’m not staying away from Evan, absolutely not,” Zoe tells him, trying to not get flustered, to keep her tone even so her dad knew she was completely serious. At the same time, she squeezes Evan’s hand again, letting him know that this was not happening, and she wouldn’t let it. 

“I think we can revisit this after a little time, is all I’m suggesting,” Larry says, dropping his apathetic tone, replacing it with one that even Zoe could tell he was faking what he was saying. 

“Why are you saying this when you don’t even mean it? Are you just trying to hurt Evan more? I know you’ve already forgiven him, just say it Dad,” Zoe pushes back, knowing she was right, looking over to where her mom was gently petting Evan’s hair back, wanting to mother him in any way he’d let her. 

“Um, I just want whatever you’re comfortable with, and I’ll do anything to make up for what I’ve done, I’ll put in the work, I’ll do it the right way,” Evan says quietly, looking up at Larry for the first time since he started talking. And he does mean it. Evan only wanted to be a part of their family if they wanted that too. He couldn’t force them to forgive him and also expect them to welcome him back with open arms. He understood that. The lowest tier he’d settle for was approval to see Zoe, even if he couldn’t come back to her house again. He couldn’t give her up and Zoe had just declared that she wasn’t giving Evan up either. 

Larry’s face softens and he looks between his daughter who clutching onto Evan and his wife who he’d known was hurt by Evan, but had already forgiven him, and his shoulders slump and he just shakes his head, trying to figure out what to say. 

“Okay, we can start over, a clean slate, but I still think slow is best and I won’t try to say you two can’t see each other, Zoe wouldn’t listen anyway,” Larry says, wondering if he was making the right choice. But seeing the smile on Zoe’s face and the look of appreciation and gratefulness on Evan’s, even the proud look on Cynthia’s face, Larry has a feeling deep inside that he was doing the right thing. Evan wasn’t a bad person, but Larry might be depending on what he did and how he reacted to this, and he didn’t want to be the bad guy. He didn’t want Evan to think of him the way Connor did, the way Zoe was going to if he didn’t let Evan have a second chance. 

“Thank you,” Evan says, feeling okay for the first time all day. It wasn’t perfect and it’d probably take a while for Cynthia and Larry to fully accept him back, for him to regain their trust, but that was okay. He could do that. He’d be able to with Zoe. 

He was pretty sure he could do anything as long as the girl who meant everything to him was with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really liked Zoe and Evan's little trip to the orchard and it kind of came out of nowhere, so I hope you liked it too!!!! The next chapter will likely be the last and will have some similarities to the finale to complete this canon-adjacent work. I think it'll be exciting so stay tuned!!! 
> 
> Also, throwing it out there, still taking requests/suggestions for Good Things Are Finally Coming My Way if you have any specific requests or they might make it into the new story or just as oneshots, so please if you feel so inclined, let me know!!!


	13. If One Thing Had Been Different, Would Everything Be Different Today?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan and Zoe have lunch with her parents.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone!!!! So I can't believe this is the last chapter for this story. And if the tone feels a little different, I think it's because I was sad this story was over and didn't want to write the ending. I legitimately thought that after I finished You Can Watch From the Sidelines that I wouldn't love any story more, but I think I do. I think it's this one. I've put so much love and thought into this and I hope it comes across through these 13 chapters. And I'm sorry it's a little shorter than normal (which is something I'd never thought I'd say about a 6K chapter lol), but it didn't feel right to add more than necessary. But I hope everyone enjoys it!
> 
> And I'd really truly like to thank every single person who has read even just one chapter, who has left a wonderful comment (that I love to read) or dropped a kudos or bookmarked this story as a favorite. The outpouring of support for this story has been incredible and I'm so very thankful for it. Absolutely appreciative of everything. So I hope you enjoy this last chapter and I look forward to writing another multi-chapter story soon :)

ONE AND A HALF YEARS LATER…

Zoe and Evan were looking forward to meeting Zoe’s parents for lunch at the orchard. It had officially reopened last year with the new name and everything. At first both Zoe and Evan had been very hesitant to go. They felt like they’d made their peace with it, that they didn’t need to be at the “Connor Murphy Memorial Orchard” to remember Connor. And it’s reopening had come at a great emotional cost to both of them, something they didn’t like reminiscing about, even though they still dealt with the aftermath of it almost two years later. 

But then they found out the Cynthia and Larry had been going almost every weekend since it had reopened. Even though both of them knew that the idea of Connor loving this place and spending time there with Evan wasn’t real, being there still brought them comfort and helped them remember Connor. At least that’s what they told Zoe and Evan.

So when Cynthia had invited them out for a picnic at the orchard instead of Ellison, they’d agreed, not knowing what to expect, but hoping to be pleasantly surprised. And they figured they should see it at least once. See what the Connor Project had actually done with the money raised, even though they were not associated with it at all anymore. Maybe it would be comforting or maybe it’d give them a greater sense of closure before they left their hometown. Because once they left, they didn’t plan on coming back very often.

Both Evan and Zoe had gotten into NYU, with Evan studying environmental biology as a transfer student from the community college and Zoe starting as freshman in the music program. Zoe was graduating high school in two weeks and they were moving to New York shortly after. Both of them wanted to just start fresh, in a big city where (hopefully) no one would know them as Connor Murphy’s best friend and little sister. A place where they’d finally be free. 

They were both incredibly excited to explore the city and just be able to be together. They were planning on getting every tourist-y thing off their list when they first got there, so by the time class started, they could call themselves real New Yorkers. They had found a very small, somewhat dingy apartment near the campus to move into, and they were even excited for that. It wasn’t much, but it would be theirs and they were ready for the next part of their lives to start. More than ready to leave this part behind. 

Zoe pulls into the crowded parking lot, having a lot more trouble parking than they did the last time her and Evan had been there, albeit it had technically been closed then. But it’s kind of nice that people were coming to the orchard she supposes. Making memories there the same way she had as a little girl and now as a young adult. 

“Look at all the people Ev, I didn’t think it’d be this busy,” Zoe says, getting out of her car and immediately finding Evan’s hand, interlacing them as they walked towards the entrance, squeezing his hand for support. She still got a little nervous around larger crowds or anything that reminded her of the hallways at school, where she always felt like she had to be on high alert, watching for people who would try to bully her. 

“Me neither, but at least people like it and it was worth trying to reopen, you know? Like at least it didn’t open just to have to close again if no one went,” Evan tells her, kissing her cheek, trying to look on the brighter side of things. He’d been trying to do that a lot lately. He had a lot of good things in life right now, a lot of good days, and he was sure today was going to be one of them. 

“Yeah that’s true. And look Evan, they have resources available to people,” Zoe says, pointing to what looked like a kiosk, filled with different pamphlets about depression, anxiety, suicide, bullying, and more, even some charging phones with numbers for hotlines. At least Alana Beck had pulled through with that. 

“She wanted it to be a sanctuary of sorts, so I guess that aspect worked out,” Evan says, remembering all of Alana’s plans from the very beginning, but deliberately doesn’t use her name. He tried not to think about Alana or Jared often because what they’d done still upset him and Zoe. And they’d never come back to actually apologize to either of them, just avoided them, planned the orchard reopening, and then Evan thinks left for college out of town. But he wasn’t sure, and he honestly didn’t care. 

“Yeah, I can see why my parents like it here. The new trees are really nice, I like how small they are. Someday they’ll be as big as the one we climbed, even if the orchard closes again and I think that’s really cool,” Zoe tells Evan, stopping on the path to delicately touch one of the leaves on one of the saplings, looking to him with awe. Evan just smiles at her and nods, knowing exactly what she meant. It was one of the reasons he loved trees so much, they surpassed humans and continued to persevere, sometimes even growing back once they’d burned or died. They were always growing and changing, but always stayed grounded, stayed themselves.

Evan and Zoe continue on peacefully down the path, admiring the new trees, swinging their hands lightly, and just enjoy being outside. They had both been cramming for their finals and spending most of their time either in Evan’s room or the library. And Zoe had been busy practicing the pieces the band was going to perform at the graduation commencement and her audition pieces for NYU (she’d already been stressing about them being perfect), so the outside air and sun shining on them was a nice change, one they were going to soak up as best they could. 

Zoe spots her parents at the edge of the orchard property, sitting on a blanket, prepping lunch, clearly knowing Zoe and Evan would be arriving soon. From a distance her parents looked serene, like any other couple enjoying a day at an apple orchard, and it makes her happy. While things hadn’t been as bad as when Connor was alive or those few weeks where the Connor Project had blown up (the first time and another flare up when the orchard had actually opened), they hadn’t been easy. And Zoe was sure the thought of her leaving wasn’t easy on them either, but they were doing okay. They’d probably never heal fully from the loss of Connor, but they’d be okay. All of them would be okay.

“Mom, Dad,” Zoe yells to them, waving happily back at them when they started to wave to her and Evan. She hadn’t seen them since yesterday because she’d spent the night at Evan’s, and truthfully, she was going to miss them a lot once she left, so she wanted these last couple weeks to be calm and filled with good memories they all could look back on. They had a lot to celebrate, a lot of really good things happening. 

“Oh loves you’re just in time, I was just setting everything out. Your dad and I don’t normally bring all this on our trips, but since you two are here this time, I thought I’d go all out, a full picnic,” Cynthia says cheerily, pointing to all the things she’d packed. It makes Evan chuckle, because Cynthia always went all out, no matter how small the occasion, and he was pretty sure their little trips probably always looked like this. But it still made him feel special and it was one of the reasons he loved her so much. 

“Me and Zoe were just talking about how beautiful it is here actually. We understand why you’ve been coming, it’s nice to see,” Evan tells them quietly, sitting down on the blanket with Zoe, feeling her lean into him comfortingly, hands still intertwined. 

“It is really beautiful Evan, I’m glad you guys decided to come see it,” Cynthia tells him smiling gently at him, patting his knee before sitting back down next to Larry. 

“Yeah us too,” Zoe says, reaching over for the tupperware of goldfish crackers her mom had brought setting them right between her and Evan. She grabs a handful to start eating, tossing one out to a bird who had flown close to them, giggling as it flew away with the cracker, making Evan laugh too.

“So Evan, how’s the New York job search coming?” Larry asks, trying to start a conversation about things the kids were looking forward to, like moving. It was easier than talking more about the orchard or bringing up anything else from the past. 

Evan’s first instinct is to lie, tell both Cynthia and Larry that the search was going well, that he was sure he’d have a job once they moved, but that wasn’t true. He feels Zoe squeeze his hand, reminding him that it was okay, that he could tell her parents the truth. He’d worked really hard to get his current job at Pottery Barn and he was working hard to get a new job too. He wasn’t planning on letting the Murphy’s pay for everything, even though they were helping a lot by insisting that Zoe not work her first year in college, that they’d cover her expenses, (including rent for the apartment they were both living in). 

“Um, not great actually, but I’m still trying. I just wish there was a Pottery Barn closer to where we’re going to live, so I could just transfer. But Dr. Sherman says our practice interviews are getting a lot better, so I feel good about that at least,” Evan tells them, squeezing Zoe’s hand again comfortingly. He was proud of the work he was doing with Dr. Sherman, having decided on his own to start seeing them again last year. 

Evan had talked about it a lot with Zoe and his mom before making the decision to go back to therapy and start taking medication again, switching to a new one that actually made him feel better. He didn’t want to feel so anxious about everything in his life that wasn’t Zoe, to let his intrusive mind take over when she wasn’t there. Sometimes he felt like he was putting too much pressure on her, even though she assured him he wasn’t, but he still thought it was something he needed to do. He wanted to be able to get a job successfully and drive and to curb his reflex to lie when things were difficult. He wanted to be the best version of Evan he could be, for Zoe and for himself. And things were improving, they really were. 

He sometimes worked the register at work instead of just restocking, able to talk casually with strangers or even direct customers to places in the store when they needed help. When him and Zoe went out to eat or something, he’d order for both of them (as skills practice, not because he thought he needed to order for Zoe). He’d even successfully ordered delivery, opening the door and making change with the driver, talking even if he’d said some pretty weird stuff. He’d gotten his driver’s license right before winter break and he didn’t have a car still, but he knew how to drive and could do it legally. Which honestly made him feel much better because the anxiety of not being able to drive Zoe if there was an emergency or she needed him outweighed any anxiety over driving himself. Plus, they had some pretty cute driving practice dates in empty parking lots before Evan took the test. And Evan felt like he’d accomplished so many other little things that used to feel impossible. He was proud of himself and he knew Zoe was too. So he was sure he’d get a job once they got to New York, that everything would work itself out. 

“That’s okay dear. I bet it’ll be easier when you’re actually there and can get a better feel for everything,” Cynthia tells him kindly, smiling at him, knowing he was probably worried that her and Larry thought he wasn’t trying hard enough. They knew he was. Evan had tried his hardest every single day to make up for lying to them right after Connor had died. He tried for Zoe and he tried for them. And they’d forgiven him many times over and accepted him back into their lives. He was as much their son as Connor had been and as Zoe was their daughter. They’d make sure both of their kids were doing okay once they left. They wanted to send both Zoe and Evan off to college in a good place, make their transition easier and set them up for success. 

“Yeah I think so too,” Evan says hopefully, reaching across the blanket to grab a container of grapes, adding playfully, “But in the meantime, I still have my friends and family discount at Pottery Barn in case anyone needs some overpriced home décor. So let me know, because the window of opportunity is closing fast.” 

“I think we’ve taken full advantage of that Ev. We really don’t need a fourth set of sheets for our new apartment,” Zoe laughs, knowing that she’d convinced her mom to take her while Evan was working so they could hang out and pick out things for when they moved. Zoe had told him his discount was his contribution and the rest was part of her graduation present. Zoe claimed a lot of things her parents were buying (that both of them were going to be using) were part of her graduation present. At first, he’d felt pretty weird about it, knowing the disaster that the Murphy’s originally trying to pay for his college was, but after some serious convincing from Zoe, Evan had just learned to accept it. Zoe’s parents wanted both of them to be happy and taken care of during their first year away from home, and even if he thought it was overly generous, he was grateful for Cynthia and Larry. It made him a lot less worried about the move in general too, knowing that they were supportive. 

“Well you never know, it’s best to offer,” Evan laughs along with her, poking her playfully, making Zoe laugh even more and start poking him in return, quickly turning into a tickle fight. Cynthia just smiles at them, watching them play, happy they were both happy. That they had something incredibly exciting to look forward to. That they had each other. 

“Yes, it was nice of you to offer Evan. Now Zoe, have you thought more about your graduation party? It’s so close, we’ll need to send out invitations soon,” Cynthia asks her, changing the topic and looking over to Zoe expectantly. Zoe’s light and playful demeanor immediately falls, her and Evan’s tickle fight ceasing as Zoe froze, looking down away from her parents. Evan offers her his hand once more in support, concerned as Zoe started to fidget with his hand instead of answering her mom’s question. 

Zoe had been pushing off planning a graduation party because she didn’t want one, but it was clearly important to her parents or her mom at least. The topic of graduation and everything that came with it was something she had talked about a lot recently with her own therapist. She felt like her parents were trying to plan a huge event, but she didn’t want that, and it made her feel guilty. But she didn’t have many friends to invite, never really fully recovering from the harassment of junior year, and she felt like most of her extended family would start talking about Connor if they were invited. She truly just wanted Evan, her parents, and Heidi there to do something, but she thought that plan would disappoint her parents and she didn’t want to do that to them. They’d already lost the chance to do this for their other child and she just didn’t want to hurt them more. 

“Um, well I was thinking about it and I think that it’d be best for _me_ if we just did something small, just us and Heidi,” Zoe tells them, saying what she’d gone over in therapy, trying to emphasize her wants for something that was supposed to be about her. Dr. Leslie had said if they really wanted to throw a party to celebrate Zoe’s accomplishments above anything else, then they’d be okay with what she wanted. Evan squeezes her hand to reassure her, starting to move his thumb back and forth gently, knowing that Zoe had been avoiding this topic for a while, only talking about it with him and her therapist. 

Evan glances over to Cynthia, looking so Zoe wouldn’t have to, and he does think she maybe looks a little disappointed, but probably not to the extent Zoe thought, and then he looks over to Larry, who looks relieved. Maybe he didn’t want a big thing either, an even bigger reminder that they should’ve had a party last year too. Evan thinks those little reminders would probably never go away as Zoe aged, that Cynthia and Larry would always have mixed feelings sad and happy at the same time as they witnessed all the things Zoe got to do as an adult, that their son would never. It hadn’t gotten easier for him, and Evan hadn’t even known Connor when he was alive. 

“Well if that’s the case, then why don’t we maybe all go out to dinner instead? How does that sound Zoe?” Larry says encouragingly, placing his arm around Cynthia like a gentle reminder that it was okay that Zoe didn’t want a huge catered party, that they didn’t need that for something to be special. They had their family and that was enough. 

“That sounds really nice Dad,” Zoe tells him smiling, looking up from where she’d been focusing on her and Evan’s hands to see both her parents watching her carefully, accepting that even if Cynthia wanted something bigger, it was okay that she didn’t. That sometimes it was more important to put Zoe first. 

“You just let me know where and I’ll make the reservation love,” Cynthia says softly, watching as Zoe’s face went from apprehensive back to cheerful, now that something that had been bothering her for weeks was taken care of, without any arguing or guilt. 

And Cynthia had noticed this whole time that Zoe never let go of Evan’s hand, that they’d been squeezing each other’s hands back and forth, like a silent language just between them. And it makes her feel good that Zoe had someone to lean on, who cared so much about her, that wasn’t either of her parents. 

Finishing high school had been a feat for both Evan and Zoe even with them being a year apart in school, and Cynthia thinks it probably wouldn’t have happened if they hadn’t been supporting each other through it all. Zoe had really struggled to finish junior year and it only happened because Evan was there with her. Senior year Zoe had spent a lot of time off campus with Evan at the college and just managed to tolerate school even with jazz band. And she was pretty sure Evan adjusted to college because Zoe had been there with him for most of it. But they were both doing well now, off to better and bigger things. 

“I know my mom can’t wait to celebrate you graduating Zo. She already requested the time off and everything,” Evan tells Zoe kissing her cheek lightly, excited that they’d be spending time to celebrate just Zoe, and they’d be doing it as a complete family, including his mom as part of that family. Zoe looks excited to hear that too. She really liked Heidi after getting to know her a lot better. 

Zoe’s relationship with Heidi had been just as slow growing as Evan’s rebuilding with her own parents had been. At first she’d been hesitant to get close to Heidi, mostly because she was so protective of Evan. Heidi had hurt Evan a lot in the past and she just wanted to see her stick to her promises before she really let her guard down around her. Heidi had been a lot better since Evan had told her the truth, putting in the effort to connect with Evan, to make time for him, to be understanding and welcoming of the people he loved, like Zoe and her family. And since Zoe was such a big part of Evan’s life, Heidi had been making time for Zoe too. She’d even managed to come to the spring concert with Evan to cheer Zoe on. Zoe cared the most about Heidi’s actions and she’d proven that she was serious about mending her relationship with her son, and that was good enough for Zoe. But most importantly in Zoe’s opinion, Evan seemed happy with his relationship with his mom, so she was even more willing to accept and embrace Heidi, a way to show Evan she would stand by him and his decisions. 

“Well, now that that’s settled, Evan what have you been up to lately? I feel like we haven’t seen you in ages,” Cynthia asks him, passing out little sandwiches to everyone. And Evan knows that’s true, he hadn’t seen Cynthia or Larry in a couple weeks, not on purpose, he’d just been busy. Balancing work and school and spending time with Zoe, planning a move, it had been a lot over these last couple weeks.

“I’ve been studying a lot and just working a lot to save up for NYU. But I, um, we um, me and Zoe started a new reading project too and that’s been keeping us busy,” Evan tells them, keeping their reading project purposely vague, not knowing if it was something Zoe had wanted to tell her parents. It wasn’t anything bad, but he didn’t want to share things before Zoe was ready. 

But Zoe gives him a subtle nod and a little kiss to their clasped hands, letting him know it was okay to talk about if her parents asked more questions, like she was sure they were going to. 

“What kind of reading project? Something for school or for fun?” Larry asks curiously, knowing that Evan liked reading and had even considered majoring in English, but Zoe on the other hand, literature wasn’t exactly high on her list of favorites (she preferred art and music, something that Evan only preferred when Zoe was doing them). 

“Well, me and Zoe had been going through some old yearbooks and school stuff, and we found some project my class had done freshman year, a collage of things that were supposed to be really important to us. Most people put like their friends or whatever, but um, we found Connor’s and he put a list of his ten favorite books. We’ve been trying to read them all,” Evan tells them, turning to smile at Zoe and pull her a little closer. He had the idea of looking through some old school stuff to get to know Connor better a long time ago, but they’d just recently done it. And both Dr. Sherman and Dr. Leslie had agreed with them that it could be a really good experience for them to read those books. That it would help both of them get to know Connor just a bit better so Evan wouldn’t be so haunted by still being referred to as his “best friend” and so Zoe could see past the hurt he caused. 

They’d only gotten through one so far, _The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time_ , but they’d spent several hours talking about it. The parts they liked, the parts they thought Connor would have liked, and everything in between. And it had been really nice, seeing things just a little differently. Seeing Connor just a little differently. 

When Evan looks to Cynthia, her eyes are misty, but she looks so incredibly moved by Evan telling them this, thankful that Evan was still trying to make amends, still trying to remember and preserve her Connor. And Larry looks the same, unable to say anything or do anything except rub his wife’s arm comfortingly. 

“I know it’s not the same as knowing Connor, or at least 15 year-old-Connor, but…” Evan starts to say when Zoe cuts in finishing for him, “But it’s something.” 

“It really is something and that’s really special,” Cynthia says wiping away a stray tear, so happy that the two kids in front of her were doing this particular project, reaching out to Connor through the one thing she knew without a doubt he loved. And she knew it probably wasn’t easy for either of them to start or continue on through all ten books, but they were working on it and that’s what mattered most. 

They spend the rest of lunch talking about other little things and projects they’d all been doing. At one-point Evan gets talking about the research paper he was writing as one of his finals on environmental policies and climate change, and he gets so excited he starts rambling and no one has the heart to stop him. Zoe always thought Evan’s rambles were one of the cutest things about him, especially when they were driven by excitement, not anxiety, so she just lets herself get lost in it, glad to hear Evan’s voice, confident and clear. 

And eventually the conversation steers towards Zoe and she starts talking about all the different arrangements she’d been practicing, knowing that she was auditioning at NYU with both piano and guitar but couldn’t decide on the exact pieces to use. She wanted to show her range and skill but still choose pieces that meant a lot to her emotionally, knowing she’d play better if she was more invested. Evan knows she’s going to be incredible and blow the directors away no matter what she chose to play, and he just can’t wait to see her soar in college with her music. 

The whole afternoon is nice and normal and fun, getting the chance to just chatter away about their lives. And Evan can hardly believe this was his life now. That he’d made it to a point where he had a girlfriend who he loved, who meant everything to him. That he had a family he could rely on and cherish. That he was part of something. But more than anything, that he’d made it to the point where he was finally being himself and accepting that it was good enough. He was good enough. 

Eventually Evan checks the time and he knows him and Zoe had to get going. He had reserved study space in the library at the community college and he needed to finish up his last couple of assignments and study for a final next week. Zoe was planning on coming with him, something she did often. She liked to study or do homework for her own classes at the college with Evan rather than at home or at the high school. And since Zoe had driven them to the orchard, it just made more sense for her to drive Evan. But he doesn’t even get a chance to say anything, because Zoe beats him to it.

“Well, it’s almost our study time at the college, so me and Evan should probably head out now-ish so we’re not late,” Zoe tells her parents, handing the now empty tupperwares back to her mom before standing up and pulling Evan up with. 

“Okay dears, we’re going to stay here a bit longer. You two have fun. Study hard,” Cynthia tells them, following Zoe in standing up so she could give them both a goodbye hug, squeezing Evan just a little tighter and a little longer. She wanted him to know it meant a lot her that he was here with them. And the small smile he gives her as she lets him go, makes her think that he knows it and doesn’t doubt her love in the slightest. 

“Zoe, you’ll be home for dinner, right?” Larry says more so than asks, his tone clearly showing that he just wanted to spend more time with her before the move as he stood up like the rest of them. Zoe nods in response just as Larry turns to Evan asking him, “Will you be joining us tonight Evan?” 

“No, I can’t tonight. My mom and I are making dinner. But next time though, you still have to show me how to set up the baseball app on my phone. I want to stay caught up on the league stats after we move,” Evan tells him, chuckling as he sees Zoe roll her eyes. She still couldn’t believe her dad had somehow turned Evan into an actual baseball fan. Evan wasn’t even lying to her dad, he actually enjoyed watching and talking about baseball. It was dreadfully boring in her opinion, and the only good thing to come of from this “father-son bonding” was the super cute pictures she’d taken of her and Evan at a baseball game this spring. 

“That’s my boy,” Larry tells him, clapping Evan’s back, laughing at Zoe’s continued look of annoyance over baseball-talk. Cynthia just smiles at all of three of them, thinking the whole interaction was funny. From her experience, baseball never got more exciting and always stayed exciting to the men. Zoe was going to have to put up with it for a long time and probably needed to get used to just tuning it all out. 

“Okay let’s go before you two start talking those fake teams or whatever,” Zoe says, tugging Evan along and waving goodbye to her parents, Evan following suit, waving goodbye merrily. When they’re far enough away from Zoe’s parents, Evan stops them and pulls Zoe close, kissing her soundly, moving his hands to her low back as hers found their way to his neck. A little bit to make up for the baseball talk, but mostly because he loved her and hadn’t kissed her since this morning which was just too long.

When they break away, both of them are breathless and Zoe’s face is a little flushed as she toys with his hair flirtily, asking Evan, “Not that I’m complaining, but what was that for Ev?”

“Because I love you and because today’s been a really good day,” Evan tells her, positive that his face was matching her rosy tint too. Evan told her he loved her more than once every day, but every time he said it, it still made him giddy. And he was pretty sure Zoe felt the same based on the way her smile always got bigger and she always held him a little closer whenever he said it.

“I love you too Evan. I’m glad we came today, got to see all this. I think it is been a good thing, the orchard re-opening,” Zoe says, letting her hands trail from his neck to wrap around his torso, pulling him into a tight hug, keeping him close. 

“Yeah me too, Zo. I think it’s nice for people to have, especially your parents. Just having a place to go has probably, I don’t know,” Evan pauses, try to think of precisely what he meant, not wanting to fumble over his words, looking into Zoe’s eyes, seeing if she knew where he was going with this. And Zoe nods her head, finishing for him, “Has helped fill the void Connor left? Even just a little bit? Even if it’s not totally true?” 

“Yeah, that’s exactly what I was thinking,” Evan tells her, letting go of her as she started to pull away from their embrace, returning to holding hands and walking towards the entrance of the orchard.

“I know we’ve always wondered if Connor ever went here, but I was talking to Dr. Leslie and she said it didn’t really matter if he did or not. That I can still imagine he did and that he would’ve liked it even more now, if thinking that helps me. That we don’t have to feel guilty about not knowing for sure or writing it into his story,” Zoe says quietly, kicking some of the gravel as they made their way into the parking lot, doing their best to avoid the areas with more people. 

“I think that too. And I think he would be happy knowing that all of this happened even though the path to it wasn’t great. People who feel like they have nothing have a place to go, even if it’s just for a day or a few hours. And I think that would’ve meant a lot to Connor, because it means a lot to me. And I think he’d be glad knowing that you’re doing better and you’re parents too,” Evan tells her, recognizing that at their worst, him and Connor had been very similar, and had just ended up on different paths. And Evan can recognize that people who felt like him and Connor did, they found something to hold onto through the Connor Project, and ultimately that was good thing. 

“Sometimes I wish Connor was here, that everything turned out differently but also the same if that makes sense? Like I wouldn’t change anything about us but sometimes I really wish I had my brother Ev,” Zoe says, leaning against the side of her car instead of getting in, feeling like they needed to finish their thoughts before they left the orchard completely, that once they left it’d be a while before they talked about it again. 

“No I know what you mean Zoe. I’d never change anything about our relationship, but I think all the time about what could have been if just one thing had been different, and I wish Connor was here too,” Evan tells her, kissing her forehead and tucking her hair behind her ears, letting his thumbs move softly across her cheeks, watching as her look of wonder turned into a soft smile of acceptance, matching his. They’d probably always wonder about how everything could have been different, but that wouldn’t change anything that was, everything that did end up happening and that was okay. They stay like that for just a few more minutes, content to be close to one another, until Zoe gives Evan a little nod, letting him know she was okay with leaving.

And once they’re in her car driving and singing like they normally did; Evan can’t help but think he and Zoe had been right to hope for the best today. That coming to the orchard with her parents was a nice reminder that at least one good thing had come from his web of lies senior year. Well, maybe two if he counted befriending and dating Zoe. But he was pretty sure they would have happened eventually because being with Zoe felt like fate, like they were tied together by some golden string, meant to find each other, meant to be each other’s everything. 

And if was still writing letters to himself, he thinks today’s might go like this, 

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Today’s going to be a good day and here’s why; because today no matter what else, at least you’re you. And that’s enough. No more hiding. No more lying. Just you, and that's enough for Zoe, it’s enough for your mom, and it’s enough for the Murphy’s. Maybe someday... everything that happened, maybe it’ll feel like a distant memory? Maybe someday no one will even remember about the Connor Project, or that you were involved, that you claimed to be Connor Murphy’s best friend._

_But maybe someday some other kid will be standing here, staring out at the trees feeling so alone. Wondering if maybe the world might look different from all the way up there. That maybe it’d be better if they just went to see. And then maybe they'll start climbing one branch at a time, and then they'll keep going, even when it seems like they can't find another foothold. Even when it feels hopeless like everything is telling them to let go. But they won’t. They'll just hold on. They'll hold on and they'll keep going. And when they come back down and see the Connor Murphy Memorial Orchard sign, they’ll feel a little less alone._

_Sincerely your best self,  
Me_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all got finale and final scene with Zoe vibes from this chapter, because that's what I was going for, light and hopeful! And please watch out for my new story coming up shortly and in the mean time I'll be updating Good Things Are Finally Coming My Way again, in anyone wants some cute and/or smutty BandTrees to tide them over!

**Author's Note:**

> How's Zoe going to react to Evan's admission??? I've always kinda wondered how their relationship would have played out if Evan had just told Zoe the truth from the beginning, so now I'm trying to fulfill that wonder. Stay Tuned!!!


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